Partner sleeping when baby is sick

[NewMummy1999]

I’m a new parent to a 2 month old. My partner has been off work the past 2 days sick, and now my baby has caught his cold/flu and is unwell. Every time I lay him in his cot, he wakes up crying and will only sleep comfortably on mine / my partners chest.

My partner is planning to return to work tomorrow, so I am staying up with baby. I understand his need for sleep, but I can’t help feel that with it being our first child and his first time being sick, I wish we were sharing the load together rather than me doing it all alone. I also think he doesn’t realise that whilst he goes to work, I am with baby all day still sick so won’t be getting any rest in the day and will essentially have 24+ hours without sleep.

He never normally does anything during the night. I take on all of the night feeds, all of the wake ups and soothing back to sleep, nappy changes etc. He is of the opinion that I am on maternity leave so anything to do with the baby is my responsibility as he has to work, which I understand most of the time but sometimes I think that’s a selfish viewpoint especially in this situation where our baby is sick for the first time and he is the one that has given it to him!!

I also think that surely if his work knows he has been sick the last 2 days, and has now passed it to baby they would understand that he may need to WFH an extra day. They all have families so would have experienced a sick baby and what it entails.

I don’t know. Am I selfish for wanting more support - wishing he would stay up with me for a while or offer to share the night and WFH another day?

I assume your partner is feeling better and isn't dragging himself back into work before he should be.
He should be helping. Not necessarily being up all night himself prior to work . Other options are available such as you going to bed at 7pm for some uninterrupted sleep and him cracking on with baby until 11pm- midnight.

Unfortunately there will be many sleepless nights with a new baby. I had a particularly fussy baby and it was hellish sometimes. I think your partner needs to be doing more to support you with looking after baby and the housework in general. Yes your on maternity leave but that doesnt mean everything should fall on you. You need to work out a system where you are both getting time to rest. I can't understand why people are saying he should get to sleep a full night before work. I literally don't know a single man who wasn't sleep deprived from being up at night with small children. It's part of parenting.

The irony of someone saying it doesn’t matter how much of a shit job OP does with the baby because she’s ’not evaluated’ also saying that OP is not cut out for childcare 😂. Really knowledgeable and good childcare ethos right there!

She wants a family. The man is often not that bothered but the woman takes that decision out of his hands and gets pregnant (you would be very surprised how many women do this without consulting their partner/DH). Therfore, if it was her decision to have a baby, its her job. If its a mutual decision, then fairly enough they are both responsible.

Aside from the parenting how is he usually? For me the thought of my DH leaving me to it all knowing full well I was struggling I would have divorced him. If he cares about you enough then wanting to support you by ensuring you aren't sleep deprived, managing personal hygiene and eating well enough would be the every least he could do. It just completely sounds like he has checked out I.e hiding in bed on his phone etc. I know when DH did his evening shift whilst I slept he sat on the sofa with DD on his chest watching all his programmes or scrolled his phone. Sometimes when DD was being exceptionally difficult he put her in the pram and walked to the shop and bought us lots of snacks. He wouldn't have dreamed of coming home from work and allowing me to continue doing it all.

This is not the norm in most families surely? Are you saying that most men want to get married but don’t want children? This is very sad, if true

A poorly baby doesn’t need two people staying awake at the same time. Either separate it, or accept he is working.

Yes - this equation is very unfair!

If baby isn’t sleeping at all without being held, there’s only so much sleep to go round.

OP should get half of the sleep that’s going.

Welcome to motherhood and unfortunately we sometimes have poorly babies or children. It’s exhausting and we just have to do the best we can. No point you all sat up in the night that will help no one. You will just have to make your partner aware that when he gets in from work you may need a few hours sleep if you don’t manage to get any sleep during the day when baby sleeps

😂😂😂

nice one.

Nah. True. I've see this happen to so many male friends and colleagues where their partnet lied about being on the pill. Women who want a baby are a force to be reckoned with and don't care who their decision to procreate affects. Then they have the cheek to insist that the poor bloke help and wake up with a baby he would rather have not had. No wonder they all end up single mums.

All I'm saying is that its a woman's decision to go ahead with an "accidental" pregnancy. The man should not have to step up for a baby he didn't want and a decision that was taken out of his hands.

Surely both of them get 50% is better than her getting 0%. I’m not sure why working gets men out of parenting in the night. She is also working! Looking after a baby.

I’m willing to bet most instances of accidental pill babies are within relationships, and the partner stays. I hate that single mums are being slagged off without really any evidence

I mean, if you’re pointing at OP as being an example of it, she’s married herself so….

Hi OP, I hope baby is feeling a bit better this evening. I agree with previous posters that you can take shifts while still allowing your husband plenty of sleep! If he takes the baby from 7-12 then you can get a few hours first! It sounds like he wasn't actually alseep from 10pm anyway! I think this is a fair set up whether your baby is unwell or not to be honest. When I was on MAT leave my husband would take the baby early evening (as above) or first thing in the morning after the 5am feed so I could get a couple of extra hours. As far as I am concerned you are doing a very full on job and being paid a salary for it, just like your husband is so while he is home he should be stepping up and parenting his child. Frankly I would be furious that he was sitting on his phone while you were with the baby! He could have easily sat on his phone with the baby asleep on his chest...

Of all the stupid, nasty replies on this thread and there are many, this one takes the biscuit.

My DH wanted children and I didn’t. From the second I agreed, I was in it 100%. I don’t tell him to do more because he wanted them FFS.

If you bring a child into the world, you are responsible for that child, regardless of anything else. BOTH parents.

OP I hope everything looks up and you get some sleep. And don’t feel bad for posting. There are some utter twats on MN and they are best ignored.

OP you’re getting a bit of a rough ride here but what you guys need is a system when they’re sick. Cos they get sick loads. Me and DH would take turns, we’d mostly do a night each. If he had a super busy work week I’d do more, but then he’d take anything over the weekend and give me a lie in to catch up. There’s illness, sleep regressions, post-jabs fevers etc - this won’t be a one off and nobody wins when you’re both getting up at the same time, it just feeds so much resentment. Try and just discuss it with your DH and have a plan you’re both happy with.

Also - get your cold supplies ready! Calpol plug ins, snuffle babe (especially on their feet), humidifier, Calpol/neurofen. I can’t remember now what age you can start using them all at but get them all ready and never run out!

@NewMummy1999 you are getting a very hard time on here. For what its worth I don't think you are being unreasonable. Only on mn should women not need any sleep, be at their dh's back and call when the poor adult man has a head cold and lies on the sofa for two days. Seriously! OP, I think now is a good time to explain to your (toddler husband) what you need from him. When mine were babies we slept in shifts. Every night. I slept 7-12 and dh 12-7am. Yes it was shit and we had no time together for a few weeks but it meant both if ua could sleep. Mine had reflux and just screamed blue murder and I got really unwell from sleep deprivation. It was an awful time. In the end my gp had to basically tell my dh that I needed a 4 hour stretch of sleep every single night. We both knew it was shit for the other person, but we did ride it out together. That meant that if my baby woke at 11 and has a bottle and dh managed to settle him he didnt go straight to wake me at 12, he'd let me sleep until baby woke again. Likewise if he had an important meeting or had a hard day, I'd just tell him to not worry about any night wakings. Ditto if I managed to rest in the day. I think we lived off Sainsbury's soups for 6 months or whatever.

Your dh has no idea what it is like to care for a newborn because he hasn't. He needs to learn.

Lying in bed scrolling on your phone while your sleep deprived post partum wife struggles with an ill newborn is not ok. Especially not after two days on the sofa. It would give me the ick tbh.

The decision certainly came out of his penis.

MN is a relentlessly nasty site for new mothers.
They all get the most awful of kickings with lots you "you wanted it, you should have known".

Bottom line is that most women don't know, if they did many wouldn't bother their arses.

They certainly wouldn't have children with selfish lazy men as so many are.

He should be sharing the load when he gets back from work, they both have done a days work.

Selfish arses don't.
He sounds like he might be one of those.

"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."

There is a reason clever women are increasingly saying, one and done!