Partner sleeping when baby is sick

[NewMummy1999]

I’m a new parent to a 2 month old. My partner has been off work the past 2 days sick, and now my baby has caught his cold/flu and is unwell. Every time I lay him in his cot, he wakes up crying and will only sleep comfortably on mine / my partners chest.

My partner is planning to return to work tomorrow, so I am staying up with baby. I understand his need for sleep, but I can’t help feel that with it being our first child and his first time being sick, I wish we were sharing the load together rather than me doing it all alone. I also think he doesn’t realise that whilst he goes to work, I am with baby all day still sick so won’t be getting any rest in the day and will essentially have 24+ hours without sleep.

He never normally does anything during the night. I take on all of the night feeds, all of the wake ups and soothing back to sleep, nappy changes etc. He is of the opinion that I am on maternity leave so anything to do with the baby is my responsibility as he has to work, which I understand most of the time but sometimes I think that’s a selfish viewpoint especially in this situation where our baby is sick for the first time and he is the one that has given it to him!!

I also think that surely if his work knows he has been sick the last 2 days, and has now passed it to baby they would understand that he may need to WFH an extra day. They all have families so would have experienced a sick baby and what it entails.

I don’t know. Am I selfish for wanting more support - wishing he would stay up with me for a while or offer to share the night and WFH another day?

I’m on mat leave which is great, as my DH can go to work during the day and I can care for the baby. Beyond the 8-6 working hours, we’re a team. Because he’s a parent too, with the same parental responsibilities as me.
I breastfeed which makes it difficult to share the night ‘load’ (wakings every 45mins 🫣) but on his wfh days he takes the baby after a feed at 5am so I can sleep a few hours. He then takes his lunch and looks after the baby whilst I nap in the day and is fully present in the evening cooking etc…

YANBU to think he should be parenting when he’s not working. Same as you.

This is really tough for you. I think you need to have a frank discussion around expectations -especially if you will be going back to work after maternity.

I guess how angry I’d be in this scenario would depend on how hard your DH worked to avoid giving the baby his illness? Did he take extra cleaning precautions or was he sneezing on the baby?

A sick baby is not fun. I think you need to get through this crisis and then set our expectations for the future when you are all feeling 100%

This is just being a mum and whilst it’s not ideal I can’t imagine why you’d both be awake all night when one of you goes to work. I think at the weekends it’s a different thing but on work days your job is baby and his job is work! It gets much tricker when they are sick and everyone is at work!

No-one's doing paid work at the weekend so he should at least be stepping up then

RE Calpol the only reason why they say three months onwards is because they haven’t tested it on newborns because not many people are gonna volunteer their newborn to have paracetamol tested on it.

Anecdotally we gave all four of ours Calpol if they needed it from day one and one of them dead and he is absolutely fine. I’m not suggesting you go wild with it but newborns suffer in pain as much as any other human. They are entitled to be relieved of it

That should say one of them did need Calpol from birth. He’s most certainly not dead.

Yes he sounds a bit selfish.
He's not washing bottles for you, he is doing it for his child.
Check your language and think long and hard about any further children with someone so comfortable with being so selfish.

Yes he should be on the sofa if it makes it easier for you to be up multiple nights with a baby.

Sadly you often see the real character of a man only after a baby arrives.

No, you should not resent him for wanting to sleep so he can function at work. Quite the opposite. You are the lucky one for being with the baby. Many mothers would love to be stay at home mums buy they can't afford it as they need two salaries. You are being ungrateful.

Yes definitely.

I’d say he didn’t do anything out of the norm / extra but he certainly wasn’t sneezing on baby or anything like that.

Women get such a bad deal. He works for around 6-7 hours per day with lunch and breaks to get coffee etc. She works 24 hours a day, because the baby is her job? Is this really the expectation on women when we want a family?

He should be sharing the nights with you regardless of being on maternity leave. I really struggled with lack of sleep and felt my mental health struggling when DD was a month old. It ended up that I would go to bed at 7pm sleep until 1am DH would bring her up for feeds. I.e I'd sleepily breastfeed whilst he kept an eye on us both. Then at 1am we'd switch and I'd do everything until 7am. At that point DH would take over again for half an hour or so before work for me to shower and eat breakfast in peace. Even now at 4 & 6 DH often hears first if one of them wakes in the night and sees to them before I've even had chance to register.

I think it’s fine to ask him to share the load a bit more in this case during the nights, though asking him to WFH is unreasonable and if I was his employer I wouldn’t look favourably on this if he’s just been off sick for two days and is then asking to WFH as baby is sick while his wife is on mat leave, sorry. Also there are going to be hundreds of times going forward when both of you and the baby/toddler are sick at the same time so really you’ll both need to get used to no sleep while also being sick yourselves, and going to work with a head cold etc unless you have understanding bosses and a lot of paid sick leave as babies and kids are sick all winter long in my experience. It’s tough though, I also had a baby who wouldn’t sleep except on me or DH for the first five months even when not sick, and the pain of sleep deprivation is real. Hope baby gets better soon.

I get it is being a mum but is it not also part of being a dad? I didn’t suggest we both stay up all night I said he stay up with me for a bit or we share the night. He went to bed at 10pm and lay in bed on his phone for 1.5 hours, he could’ve stayed up an extra hour to help me soothe baby rather than leaving me alone. I understand that’s his time to “unwind” but sometimes we just don’t get that privilege with an 8 week old.

I appreciate it gets harder but why do we just accept that it’s hard. Why can’t we work as a team to make it easier for one another instead of it being really hard for one and the other not be affected at all. All I asked for was one night of it being more equal in a unique circumstance, to ensure I can look after baby as best as possible during the day instead of being totally sleep deprived as I am now.

She is on Maternity leave so she's not a SAHM. She would be on maternity leave at 2 months post partum even if she was a single mum so I don't see why she should be grateful to her partner for that.

Ungrateful for not wanting to be awake looking after a sick newborn for what sounds like 30ish hours?!

😂I was very confused for a moment. I think I will try the plug in first and am calling with the GP today for additional advice. Thank you!

OP said she is normally happy doing night feeds, but in this case she’ll get no rest during the day either (unlike her DP who will get coffee and a lunch break!).

Because going to work is such a rest for most of us 🤔 I'm lucky if I get a lunch break!

Wow😂. I shouldn’t need sleep to function for our baby then? Caring for an entire human being on 0 hours is super safe!!

Every situation is different and your comparison makes no sense. I never once expressed I didn’t want to be home with my baby so not sure how you’ve landed there?

You’re right, we don’t know what his job is or how difficult it is. But that shouldn’t mean that once his day is over they shouldn’t share the load and both get some rest

Nobody said work is rest. But you have your 8 hour work day, then you go home and enjoy your evening and rest.

My job is 24/7, and I love caring for my baby and wouldn’t change it for the world but that doesn’t mean I need to do it on no sleep at all just because my partner goes to work.

Hears what back?

Sleep deprivation while you’re parenting? So sad, too bad. She shouldn’t have opted to be a parent then.

I didn’t opt to be a single parent though did I? No I opted to share parenthood with someone

Well, yes – they are both parents. It's part of the deal. They should both be hearing it – especially when one of them refuses to come to the table 50/50.

2 adults fussing over baby is the kind of PFB nonsense you will look back on and laugh about!

You really don't both need to be up in the night and it's best if he WFO rather than getting disturbed by baby in the house. I have a team member who answers teams calls holding baby and it makes me think badly of him.

Kindly, baby is going to get sick a lot. You need to divide and conquer on this.

However you do the days, you share the evenings, you do the work nights, you share weekend nights and lie ins, you try and keep the house clean and tidy, ideally get a cleaner. Also reduce your standards plus he needs to help. He is not washing bottles "for you" he is doing it for his child. Domestic chores are never ending and it is not all on you.

So in summary this is a wake up call that your DH is not doing enough amd needs to step up, just not in the way you think.