Partner sleeping when baby is sick

[NewMummy1999]

I’m a new parent to a 2 month old. My partner has been off work the past 2 days sick, and now my baby has caught his cold/flu and is unwell. Every time I lay him in his cot, he wakes up crying and will only sleep comfortably on mine / my partners chest.

My partner is planning to return to work tomorrow, so I am staying up with baby. I understand his need for sleep, but I can’t help feel that with it being our first child and his first time being sick, I wish we were sharing the load together rather than me doing it all alone. I also think he doesn’t realise that whilst he goes to work, I am with baby all day still sick so won’t be getting any rest in the day and will essentially have 24+ hours without sleep.

He never normally does anything during the night. I take on all of the night feeds, all of the wake ups and soothing back to sleep, nappy changes etc. He is of the opinion that I am on maternity leave so anything to do with the baby is my responsibility as he has to work, which I understand most of the time but sometimes I think that’s a selfish viewpoint especially in this situation where our baby is sick for the first time and he is the one that has given it to him!!

I also think that surely if his work knows he has been sick the last 2 days, and has now passed it to baby they would understand that he may need to WFH an extra day. They all have families so would have experienced a sick baby and what it entails.

I don’t know. Am I selfish for wanting more support - wishing he would stay up with me for a while or offer to share the night and WFH another day?

Of course he should help and he should want to! Do not have another baby with this man, you will be doing absolutely everything and be run into the ground.

Oh; wow. Wait until you hear that I live in a country where mat leave is 2 years and DH, who brings a lot of money in, did ALL the night feeds since we switched to formula and until baby (now toddler) stopped waking up in the night. Shocking, right?

Nobody said it was easy.
You are on maternity leave and therefore getting paid regardless of your "performance", unlike your husband who will be evaluated on how well he is able to do his job. You are being extremely selfish and ungrateful. You are are showing signs that you are not cut out for full time childcare. Maybe have a word with yourself.

Follow the chain of comments to see why I said that. Anyway the person said it does apply to you, too.

You're absolutely not selfish, if your job is the baby whilst he works, then you are both 'not working' from saying 5pm-9am therefore it should be shared.

His employer does not expect him to work 24/7, so why should you?

It’s not clear from your thread whether you’ve actually asked him to work from home and he’s said no, or whether you asked him not to sit on his phone for 90mins after going to bed to give you some time to rest? If you’ve asked him and he’s said no then he’s an idiot. But if you haven’t asked him then I think you can cut him a tiny bit of slack.

has he asked his parents to come and help like he originally suggested?

it probably shouldn’t make a difference but my view on this would be different depending on what job he does and his work situation and culture.

also someone mentioned chest sleeping. I do this with my baby and have done since she was 6 weeks old - I have only needed to do it at times from line 4am-7am and for a few naps but I’m also a light sleeper so feel comfortable doing it

I hope to god you're not a parent with this toxic outdated attitude. 'selfish and ungrateful' for what exactly? Her husband sleeping soundly whilst she's run ragged?

Get a grip.

I think once baby (and husband) is better, you need to have a proper chat with him.
It's fine sucking it up this time and while you are on maternity leave, but you've also said he has never done a night feed/change with baby either. So my worry is once you go back to work, nothing will change. Of course he will promise they will, but will they? If he starts doing a bit more / being more thoughtful now, you'd have an idea of how he will be when you return to work

Then maybe if you back to work you can also work and help when you are not working with the baby, then you can both see how the other feels

OP, MN loves to give new mums a kick with you are lucky and suck it up🙄.
Pay zero attention.
What I can tell you is that you will be treated as poorly as you accept.
Start as you mean to go.
Most men are more than happy to do as little as suits them and force women to be the primary carer.
Be wary of that.
Make sure he looks after his child alone and gets on with it.
If not you have years of disappointment ahead of you.
Mind yourself and make sure you are not taken advantage of.
Keep your job and friends and family close.

Selfish and grateful because she is only focusing on herself, on how tough it is for her but has no sympathy for her husband who would love to be at home with their child while getting paid for it and yet he has to be separated from the family because unlike her she does not have that luxury.
I am not dismissing the fact that she has given birth recently and therefore her body is still recovering. But that is why maternity leave exists in the first place! That's why all pay taxes, so mothers have this extra support. But no, apparently it's not enough. This woman still needs to resent her husband for having to rest so he can fulfil his duty which is to go out and bring money to the keep the wolf from the door.
Also the comments that she makes are insanely naive:
"I also think that surely if his work knows he has been sick the last 2 days, and has now passed it to baby they would understand that he may need to WFH an extra day. They all have families so would have experienced a sick baby and what it entails."
LOL, I don't have a clue where your husband works but I can't tell you right now that most of the companies do not give a flying fuck about your family circumstances and your expected and demanded to always give your best. At the end of the day they only care about the bottom line and they only allow for leaves because law makes them to. Wake the fuck up already.

You are insane. You have no idea how I accommodate for my husband. He has uninterrupted time with baby when he is home whilst I get the house sorted, and I never ask housework of him so he can focus on spending time with his son. Not that I need to explain that to you.

He had the opportunity to spend more time with him last night and sat on his phone in bed instead so perhaps he isn’t too upset about being at work huh?

I am not on SMP so you and “tax payers” are not supporting me in any way. Ever thought you might not know everything about somebody’s situation? Telling me I don’t think about my husband when you don’t seem to think about different scenarios!!

He is not the sole financial provider, I am still bringing money in and paying for the mortgage and bills so shut your mouth. You are the rudest person I have ever come across. I think I know his employers a lot better than you and how they care for their employees, he is lucky to have an understanding boss which is why I suggested he be able to WFH in the first place!!

If you open a thread in AIBU you'd rather be bloody well prepared to people to tell you are being unreasonable or else you might as well close the fucking thread.
And while you are at it you may as well drop the drip-feeding. Husband sat on his phone ? Well, maybe we have some bigger issues at play here that you have not shared with us.
And how are you paying for the bills anyway since you are not in SMP ? Is that savings? Because that would be absolutely insane.

OP, your baby has a cold. Speak to the GP and get some calpol in him, stick some infant Olbas oil in a diffuser, and have a sleep when he’s sleeping. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Brace yourself in case he has bigger issues like mine does and you are in A&E constantly and have weeks of everyone struggling for scraps of sleep.

If you still think your husband is a deadbeat piece of shit that just leaves you to do everything as if you’re a single parent, then leave him.

No I didn’t approach this with him as I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable or too selfish. He didn’t offer either which is why I posed the question here.

As for the phone I didn’t know that was the case until I brought baby to bed. He told me at 10 he was tired and needed to get sleep for work, I stayed in the lounge to feed and settle baby. When I went to put baby down at 11:45 he was sat in bed on his phone and said he was just about to go to sleep. I decided not to say anything as I knew the long night I was going to have ahead and did not have energy to bicker.

No he hasn’t asked his parents but that was for if I get sick then they could help, as I haven’t caught it yet.

As for his work situation it is always better he be in the office for accessibility and I think with any job they prefer in person but his employers are extremely understanding and family oriented which is why I didn’t think it was out of turn to suggest that could be an option.

I will read into that now and hope we can get a nap in today. He is fighting his sleep at the moment!! 😂

And who is to look after our 8 week old when we are both at work???

This is a really horrible post! This lady is 2 months post partum - she’s still recovering from childbirth.

It also sounds like she has a great job and is getting enhanced maternity pay from her employer - not the taxpayer (and not her husband either).

She is not a SAHM with a sole breadwinner husband dealing with a sick older child. This is not to say I wouldn’t think she’d deserve support then - just to say that this is NOT the same situation.

Do you even remember what those initial months are like?

You’re doing a lot more than just that😂you’re tearing apart my character and relationship over one question I asked!😂

I have mentioned it elsewhere in the thread. Perhaps if you read the whole thing before sharing such strong opinions, you’d be better informed on all aspects. Instead of sitting there making the assumptions you have!!

That’s none of your business, but the lesson is don’t assume or judge when you don’t know the ins and outs.

Christ I am allowed to ask questions or show concern around a scenario I haven’t encountered before. I know there will be plenty more illness and more severe than this but Jesus Christ my baby is only 2 months old and I am still learning. I’ll make a mountain out of what I want that’s what this platform is for!!! Support and guidance.

You’ve asked if you’re being unreasonable. Why are you only looking to hear what you want to hear? That your husband is being lazy, selfish, and unreasonable?

You’re only two months in and you’re posting moaning about your husband on AIBU to strangers- that’s all the information I need. I suggest you get off Mumsnet, have a normal adult conversation with your husband, get some perspective on life with a baby, and realise that the early years can be hard. Don’t make them harder.

I would also kindly suggest that you have no idea how bad it can get. If you’re falling apart as a team already at the first common cold, you seriously need to brace yourself and hope you don’t go through what some families go through.

Yup.

Agree.

Yep. This is absolutely bog standard normal everyday mum stuff. Of course he can't be up all night with a sick baby and get up for paid work the next day, she's away with the fairies.

God help her if she thinks this is tough 😂

100% this. It's a few days with a baby with a cold. Absolutely bog standard, totally average and normal parenting. She really should just get on with it.