It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

I didn't buy ANY makeup for my 11yr old and I generally didn't feel any pressure to do anything just because everyone else did. Birthday parties weren't every year either
BUT..
I bought a planetbox rover stainless steel lunchbox for my youngest about 15yrs ago and it is probably one of my favourite kids purchase ever 😊 It still looks brand new and I now use it for my lunches. It was, and is, always filled with real food simply because it was easy to do so 🤷‍♀️

I think I must have been quite tight with mine.

bed time was 7pm only allowed CBeebies for an hour a day, no I pads, they were read bedtime stories, child 2 was a nightmare and still woke up till around aged 5 but was never allowed in my bed.

Birthday parties were cheap and cheerful, a village hall, cake etc never any of the stuff which happens now.

My delightful teen raided my make up, she currently on my Clinique foundation…her make up and clothing is a lot better than mine, however she does pay for it herself and in her earlier years wore whatever was on offer in Superdrug.

perhaps I’m just mean 😂

I'm not sure if you actually want an answer to that question, but the reason schools do dressing up days is that they are expected to.

A school where I used to work used to do World Book Day without dressing up, just lots of book and story-themed activities, and a child actually moaned about it on local radio - not kidding unfortunately! The literacy coordinator was so upset as the school had been named.

The following year the children came in fancy dress.

Don't forget - a lot of school staff are also parents and understand the pressures as well.

OP, it can still be a choice. You say you don't want them to be left out, but it will be far more valuable to teach them things like entertaining themselves, spontaneous creativity, and boredom, not to mention how great it'll be for their self-esteem as they get older and understand that most "must-have" stuff is just companies marketing at us. If they can see at 10/12/15/18 that they don't NEED that Stanley cup/Drunk Elephant moisturiser/very latest iPhone, but that what really makes them happy is friends, family, gratitude, health, we'll all be doing the kids a much bigger favour.

It can be really hard in the moment, but like all worthwhile parenting, it helps them in the long run.

I do think the party thing is over the top. I can’t see that eight year olds need pamper parties, with facials and make up, yet that seems to be a popular thing here.

Elf on the shelf, Christmas Eve boxes, back to school boxes et al, are all just an excuse to get parents to keep spending money. I include ‘graduation’ from nursery and infants too.

Yes. To all of your OP. It's very good for the kids from their POV, but not so much from us poor harangued parents' POV.

We're probably creating rods for our backs, and perhaps our parents' generation got it right. I know my mum didn't pander to me half as much as I do to my DC 😳😅

I agree OP, I was just moaning to my own DM about how draining it is constantly feeling as though you're not doing enough! My daughter is only 17 months old and I'm already fatigued by the constant "advice" pouring in aka whatever you do as a parent these days is somehow wrong..! From day 1 it's just information overload about feeding, sleeping, blah blah blah! I grew up in the 1990s and in some ways try to emulate parts of my own "simpler" childhood - we do no screens, lunch is always a sandwich + fruit + yoghurt, DD sleeps in her own cot every night. Not judging anyone who does differently, these are just some non-negotiables for me personally in order to keep my sanity.

I once read a great quote that was something like 'children should be at the centre of family life but should not become the centre of family life'. I do try to live by it. I don't understand these families where every weekend has to involve two days of child-centric organised activity and expensive days out. It's just not sustainable.

Loving this thread - currently sat here at 40+4 waiting on our first to get a bloody move on and arrive and this is the bit of parenting I’m dreading. I was born early 80s so it was birthday parties at home with cake, games, free play and party bags until primary school. Then it was something like Laser Tag or rollerskating with six or seven friends, a Maccie Dees with maybe a sleepover after until I was 11/12yo, at which point it went onto ‘go sort yourself out’ - shopping with Pizza Hut and a sleepover with 3-4 friends until I really was able to organise my own birthday bashes. I really don’t want to go much further than that.

Halloween was a cardboard hat you made yourself with a cut-out binliner/belt combo for a witch or an old sheet with eyes cut out for a ghost - the outfits I see now on the doorstep are insane!

Looking forward to the lunchboxes though, ngl. I’m terrified my kid is going to be a fussy eater because I’m excited to go nuts with them (without actually including any nut-based products as apparently that’s super-not allowed now!).

YANBU, OP, it’s all gone a lot more materialistic and I don’t think it’s as easy as it was when we were kids. For what it’s worth, I know a couple who have raised their kid with lots of love and affection, but very much the way we were raised (they don’t have anything other than Freeview, no screen etc, kid grew up on books, crafting in their room and 90s cartoon videotapes) - the kid’s still a bit of a nightmare: quite bossy, self-absorbed and weirdly old-fashioned. There’s no right answer here! Just hanging on until they hit their twenties I guess 😂

My response to the child who said our low key garden birthday party was boring was to phone the mum and get her collected early. No fuss, no negotiation.

It is good for children to have to wait for adults to do things, to not have the latest gadgets or make up. They do not need constant entertainment.

What I see is that mums (and it is mainly mums) are now expected to give 100% at a full time job, while then putting double the effort in at home to ‘make up’ for not being there all the time.

No such expectation on dads, and bizarrely every friend I have seems to have fallen into the same
trap of being responsible for everything while working full time… while the dad goes to work, and otherwise is seen as a hero for doing a couple of nursery pick ups or cooking a meal twice a week.

It’s a bit of a nightmare situation really - women are equal in expectation around work and earning power, but there hasn’t been the same drive for equality in the home…

Yep, i am literally always saying this to DH. I then get it in the neck that I need to "sort them out" if they start hassling him while WFH.

Nope, they can go and entertain themselves in their bedrooms stuffed with things.

Oh my god, the Edwardian costume. You have my utmost sympathies.

I wouldn't buy anything. Here's what I'd do. I'd make a top hat with my DS out of stiff paper. I'd measure his head and help him cut it out. He can paint it black, and I'd help him stick the hat and brim together. (I DGAF if top hats aren't Edwardian.)

He'd wear a white school shirt, and I'd give him one of my silky scarves or long silky hair ties to use as a cravat.

Then, together you could make white cuffs and spats out of stiff white paper, and get him to paint on black dots to represent buttons.

I'm totally stumped as to what you'd use for a frog jacket though. If he had a black cardigan I guess you could make tails out of some black material and just pin them on to represent tails, but I guess little boys tend not to have black cardigans.

God, what an absolute pain in the arse.

You don’t have to join in with any of this nonsense, you know?

We never did Xmas eve boxes, elf on the shelf, world book day dressing up (it’s not done at our Primary school) but DH did lots of other fun stuff with DS that was of his choosing.

DS refused to eat any lunch at school so after the first year or so, I stopped making any attempt at providing a lunchbox and sent him in with a bottle of water and an apple which came home battered at the end of the week. He ate breakfast and a snack when he came home after 3pm and then dinner around 5pm, so he wasn’t starving or suffering malnutrition.

(His dad also won’t eat in front of strangers either!🤷🏻‍♀️)

Honestly it's wild. I'm very glad I have 3 boys & don't have this. My boys are pretty 'free-range' - outdoorsy & not swayed by brands unless it's to do with quality or durability. 2 eldest are at uni & have lovely girlfriends who are very similar- of course they look good, but they buy from Vinted/ charity shops & are only concerned about beauty brands being ethical, not the insta/ Tiktok rep. Their parents didn't buy into the pressure either, I suppose.

I adore my best friend & her 3 girls (same ages) but there is a constant 'brand'/ having the right thing/ looking a certain way theme with them. At their age we were very much trendy/ liked being cool/ went to all the cool places too, but in the 90s/00s it was all pretty spontaneous with no pressure.

The food thing I'll disagree with you ,we always had healthy lunches & my kids had chopped veg/ fruit/ nuts (yes they were allowed then!)/ home-made treats/ natural yogurt etc. DS1 (now 21) remembers being teased for his lunch box, in fact. It's important for them not to eat crap like jam/ honey sandwiches (ASN apart). Both older ones are great cooks & choose healthy food (except DS2 18 who bloody loves crisps & Haribo😀).

I don't know if it's because of the area I live in (a bit middle class but also a bit hippyish) but I've never seen a balloon arch at a kids' party, but I can see it's easy to get sucked into the competitiveness.

Don't try to keep up with the Joneses. Honestly I think it sorts the wheat from the consumerist chaff, they will naturally end up gravitating towards those less consumer driven if they can't be part of the "cool" gang.

I do make healthy packed lunches, but that's been my "thing" for years. They do have crisps and shop bought sweet treats a fair bit too. A very well to do friend's kid has jam sandwiches sometimes.

My DC is older now and 97% of kids their age have a smartphone according to latest stats (they don't have one). They've ended up making friends with a group of kids who barely look at their phones or don't have one and aren't really concerned about what others think. Parties might be a fun activity or a low key gathering at a house for some snacks. Nothing is for show. They play out and call for each other. It is possible!

Yes you’re spot on in that there’s a lot of pressure to ‘play’ with kids now and direct their play.
But you dont have to do it constantly though.
Of course you play with the children and it should be fun but you can say ' right, carry on playing now, mummy is going to tidy up ' or what ever.
Im not sure where the pressure is coming from or who is assessing you but come on, get a grip!

Probably triggered by being told sending my child to school with a peanut butter roll is a criminal offence (or nearly).
Why didnt you respond ' so report me if its an issue then' come on, stand up gor yourself and stop following the rest of the sheep!

I think a few posters from the good ‘old’ (not that old!) days are missing the point. Other children are now so used to high octane excitement and screens that holding old fashioned parties at home is a disaster. They fight, cry and don’t play the games and complain they’re bored
we are not missing the point.

You are missing the point that you are not teaching your kids resilience by keep turning up the speed on the metaphorical treadmill your on.
Yes kids get bored, but its good for them if its done correctly.

If parties are hard work for you dont do them. Simple . I took a select few out to a theme park or the Sandcastle at Blackpool instead of having ' celebratory cakes'
Why not let your child pick a day out with two or three best friends?

Ive said before,pick and choose what you want to do. Spend as much or as little as you want.

What's going to happen if you scale things back, take control of your life start saying no etc? It won't be easy at first and you'll get ' well Jayden's mum says this thatand the other' or 'charlie is allowed to'. The standard answer from you should be ' well Im not Jayden's mum, and this is what we are doing'
If you've never done it I'll be hard at first but with practice you should have your house and life back.

If parties are hard work for you dont do them. Simple . I took a select few out to a theme park

have you seen the cost of theme parks these days 🤣

It also assumes you live near one and all the invitees can get there.

I agree Op and its not as easy at just not doing it. Most parents work longer hours now, where I grew up I didnt know any mums that worked full time and only half worked part time or temped, yet we are expected to parent more.

I think you can scale things back though, DD's friends have had birthday parties recently that are just a group of them with some craft activities, some music etc at home, I was so happy I don't feel the need to "keep up" with the massive parties we'd been too previously.

Lunch boxes, I make use of prepped veg and snacks but my diet (late 80's/90's council estate) was terrible so I don't mind putting a but more effort in there.

I've also started letting her play out the front of the house with neighbors friends, I sit with the door open and see them run past frequently, she's never more than 200 yards away and there's always a group of them. Its burns off her energy and lets her decompress after school.

Parenting like this sounds exhausting, which is why I don't do it. I would compel you to consider my method which is to just try a bit less hard.

Our routine is that during the week it's nursery / school during the day, and they have school food, telly when they get home, something healthy but uncomplicated for supper, bath and stories, then bed. At the weekend that means a bit of telly first thing so that I can have a lie in, then going to a museum / gallery / National Trust for the day to run off all required energy and enjoy ourselves. We do stories, craft or playing when we get home, then some more TV, followed by bed. As long as I've got 2:1 ratio of TV time to out door / cultural activities, I don't give it a second thought. After 7.30, and after a day of being endlessly available, I pour a glass of wine and I'm not available until 7.15 the next morning unless there's vomit, blood or an absolutely horrific dream, in which case we clear up the mess and resettle them in their own bed. Our bedroom is out of bounds, and we have never had them sleep in our bed (though I do love a cuddle in their bed before they fall asleep).

Basically, you need to allow for the fact that you are a person with needs and that those needs have to be met, otherwise you'll be a bad mum. I am a fantastic mum because I know my limitations, and I don't try and push past them. I'd rather be brilliant for 8 hours a day than mid for 254.

I agree with the "life is child-centric" shift - from what I've seen of my friends and their kids anyway. Maybe they're the outliers, but at weekends it's always what do we do with the kids today - offer to take them out to the park, to museums, local heritage places, to the cinema, various child-centric activities. Which they often moan about and pester to go to soft play/trampoline parks/the sorts of outings that cost £20 a pop. While I think back to my childhood and an average Sunday highlight might be going with my dad to B&Q as he picked out supplies to do DIY with.

The older one, 9yo, will complain "I'm bored" relentlessly and expect adults to fix that by coming up with something fun to do. If told why don't you read, play with XYZ, help me tidy up these toys, he says no that's boring and whines more.

The dad was lamenting recently that "he doesn't get to watch sport anymore" as the children complain if he puts it on the television - which is a stretch, they're probably playing games on their tablets in the living room anyway and don't care what he watches! But coming out with that as a concept would be totally alien to our parents, the idea that two primary school age children would dictate what their dad watches on TV.

We were talking about this the other day, when my DD (who I wouldnt say was particularly spoiled) had a cob on as she wanted to go to flip out for the zillionth time on a random sunday. There werent many things like that when I was a child (of the eighties). There was a roller disco at the sports centre and a cinema but they were both rare occasions and a big deal. I used to beg my mum to take me to this stone open air paddling pool which happened once a year! If i took DD to something similar she would look at me like i had asked her to eat her phone (although the paddling pool was a death trap, but great fun) I used to devise strategies to get her to take me. I agree that there is a much higher expectation to entertain kids now and and more parents who indulge in it. I think children are getting de skilled in being able to play by themselves. While some comments are harsh, you can do what you can to not take part in nonsense, and cultivate resilience skills, and there are some good suggestions on here. But yes, its all bonkers and now kids have access to phones and they can see obnoxious rich American kids doing obnoxious rich american kid things and want to replicate them at home. Drives me mad.

Where do you see it?

I think it’s changed a lot in the last 10 years or so. Mine are young adults now, and we had no I pad or even tv steaming services. It was a bit of CBBC after school but after tea, no telly.
They played out in the street from age 8 ish, with other kids. Both were great at playing independently, partly because I was a lone parent and had stuff to do.
I always had to shop with them, but I think that’s part of learning- and I had no car for a long while so they’d carry a light bag each to help.
Parties were generally in the house, couple of village hall ones. Sometimes they’d get invited to expensive XScape/ trampoline stuff and I’d let them go but didn’t feel the need to reciprocate really.
I did like making nativity costumes etc but school had no apps or WhatsApp groups, it was just a paper newsletter in the book bag on a Friday.
Never did pack ups as neither liked sandwiches so it was always school dinners.
I did play with them quite a bit, made up wet weather games, took them to the park on those leaden days in February when we were the only people there, cos skint!
I think screens and the internet, especially social media has ruined childhood.
I don’t know what to suggest other than parents need to say no, a lot, and be a little selfish for their own sanity.
Bedtime was 8 latest, and they’d get a story and a cuddle, but wow betide anyone disturbing my adult time after that.
I wish I’d had more money, because that was stressful at times, but I don’t think their childhood was so bad.