It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

I didn't have time to read the whole (very interesting) thread, but just wanted to add something about the lunch boxes - on the 1st day of the pre-school I was told off for putting in pancakes and (cut) grapes, given a leaflet with a long list of products I can include together with some colourful Instagram-like pictures. I was made to believe it's the government requirement. I had to buy a special 5-compartment box and include all the colourful stuff. Most of it landed everyday in the bin. When I was growing up in the 80s/90s, the only thing I got was a roll with butter and ham in it. How has the world changed....

It takes commonsense to rise above nonsense from other people.

Most of us live in reality - you aren't on this earth to impress other people.

You give your child a birthday you can easily afford £50 or £1000 - the choice is yours.

I’m with you on this while also agreeing with the OP that the expectations to be perfect can be so high. I’m wondering if my low expectations are because I’m not on social media and most days feel like I’m just making it up as we go along.

I am the parent that will put a Dairylea ham and cheese thingy wotsit in DD’s holiday camp lunchbox because at least there’s a chance she’ll eat it vs rejecting a ‘sad sandwich’ and coming home shouty starving 🤣 I get told about these amazing veg filled rainbow bento lunch boxes with sandwiches cut like Mickey faces and think that’s brilliant if the parent enjoyed doing that for their DC, though genuinely have no idea how anyone has time while also remembering to do the washing. Here’s to all of us who are living our ‘crap mum’ era!

You can resist. It's not easy but you can

I didn't had anything like this at DS's preschool. Only no nuts (fair enough) and I got told off for only halving not quartering the grapes but I suppose they are supervising a load of kids eating lunch so that's their shout. DS just had a very normal lunch- no compartments. Honestly I couldn't tell you what the other kids had as no one was interested in anyone else's lunch. Must be an Instagram thing!
I'm not sure 90s lunches were that great I remember some very gross pork luncheon meat!

I do think it’s different, but don’t bit so much pressure on yourself to be perfect. I do think it’s mostly a choice to participate - you just need to lower standards a bit!!! I’m not saying I find it easy, but I don’t feel the pressure you describe.

My kids only have school dinners - I can’t be arsed making anything else. PLUS i like the option of a sandwich at tea time if needs be.

I do participate in dress up days, BUT my older ones are 8 and 10. I maybe get some images on my phone of the types of things to wear and they by and large figure it out with stuff that already exists in the house (and they sort out the younger one too).

I don’t do snacks - I always say no so the kids know not to ask. That said, they know I have no issue with them grabbing a piece of fruit without asking. We also have an early tea which helps I think.

We have had birthday parties, but I think only one had been ‘themed’. When younger we’ve booked a soft play and now we just go out for the day with a couple mates.

I rarely participate in pta volunteering and bake sales etc. BUT i do donate a bit extra cash to make up for it.

I am not my kids entertainment - they need to find their own. That said, I probably won’t be watching my programmes before bedtime anyway so I’m not bothered if they’re watching tv themselves.

The oldest can usually be found outside on his bike with mates. We live in a village so I appreciate that’s not something everyone can do. I will say I’m more concerned about the state of our youths mental health than I am about lurking predators, so I am maybe looser with this one than other parents.

I have an open house policy, so children that don’t belong to me are often in the house. I think more kids are easier to supervise than just my own (as they will be moaning at me).

Since we're now in October, I'll rant about certain seasonal parental 'expectations' now.

I've never understood the craze for decorating your whole house for Halloween and going pumpkin picking. What's wrong with buying a couple of pumpkins from Tesco? Everything has to be an 'experience' now.

Don't get me started on Christmas and all these silly new 'traditions'. Matching pyjamas and Christmas eve boxes can fuck right off.

It's all just useless tat that costs a fortune and makes you feel like a shit mum if you don't do any of it.

Elf on the Shelf can also fuck off. Never doing that, even if I do have a 6 year old.

With respect, from what you have posted my child is the age of yours.

Or downstairs everybody else does and sling them an iPad.

I honestly now think I was lucky to be a 'young mum', none of my friends had kids so I was going on the advice of my Mum and MIL and my kids were definitely not getting in my bed on a night, I had a rough week with each of them going into their own room at roughly 6 months old and resettling them multiple times then they just slept in their own rooms.

I'm 40 now and a couple of my similarly aged colleagues are still woken every night by school age children getting into their beds, I didn't realise everyone just let their kids in their bed all the time, I thought they were just soft.

I do have 2 lovely well adjusted teenagers now, despite the horrors of sleeping in their own rooms, just a sandwich and some crisps in their lunch boxes and never having a balloon arch.

I’m on the fence as do think a lot of these things are down to personal parenting choice and not everyone is currently operating the same way with their DC as you and your circle of friends.

There wasn’t the opportunity to watch kids programmes on demand and there wasn’t a kids channel, so that’s a key difference. It’s always been up to the parents how much young kids can access,

Birthday parties used to be quite short and were structured with consecutive games led by the parent, so the kids were constantly engaged and didn’t have time to get bored.

Halloween parties were less common, but the same thing, kids were always engaged in planned consecutive activities, food and picked up.

Your hosted birthday party perhaps was too unstructured and too long if they were so bored.

Some parents always provided healthier and more interesting packed lunches.

i used to want to go in with my parents if I woke up in the night, but wasn’t allowed, that’s something you’ve facilitated and become a habit, so can’t really blame them.

Kids can still be encouraged to entertain themselves or play out (with non intrusive supervision) again that’s been facilitated if they can’t and need constant entertainment. I agree that’s not good for resilience and independence.

Charity shops are great for sourcing costumes OP.

I don’t agree with buying tat to end up in landfil - or even more horrifically ending up on the beaches of eg Ghana with manmade fibres polluting our water.

Telling a child they are ruining the party for others because they are crying is unkind.

That’s your parents though - it’s a bit unusual I would say,

We used to have lots of drinks, mostly squash, milk, ‘pop’ as a treat, The same when on friends or family visits, Lucozade if you were ill!

Snacks were common, eg cheese and crackers, yoghurt, toast, fruit, crisps, biscuits,

School had a water fountain we could use whenever we needed to, Jug of water on the table at lunch.

Small bottle of milk mid morning pre 80s (and opportunity to have leftover milk again at story time!).

We mostly used to take crisps and an apple for a mid morning snack.

I also went to nursery which provided water in beakers and then milk and Ritz biscuits mid morning,

If you belong to costco or know someone who does, they do lots of biscuits and sweets wrapped in small packets, just enough for lunch boxes, and fruit juices, veggie straws.

Worth looking into if you haven't yet.

What absolute nonsense.

As soon as my boys were old enough to hold an air gun, strike a match, or reach the pedals on a £200 car they were provided with the equipment and sent out into the woods each day. Their birthday parties were popular, although not always with the other parents. 🙄

Both grew up into intelligent, resilient adults with interesting lives.

And another thing: we never even owned a television. They grew up not not
knowing what television is. No one missed it.

But we’re talking about children now. Your boys sound grown? Times have changed unfortunately

I’m 41 with 2 very young children and think it’s ridiculous how many parents let their children into their beds at night. We’ve never done it.

I am 52. I used to go and sleep in my parents (small!) double bed when I felt scared all through primary school. I can still remember running from my bedroom.
I also used to wake my dad up at 6.30 every Saturday with a crisp sandwich. This would be made from white bread, with a thick layer of margarine and salted crisps covered in vinegar. He actually ate them as well.

also I’d wake my parents up at any time on Christmas Day and open my pressies. None of this waiting until morning
it wasn’t all fun for parents back then !!

I had to look up what a ‘balloon arch’ is.

My children were sadly deprived of such things. But it would have been wonderful had another parent bought a balloon arch to one of my eldest son’s birthday parties.

It wouldn’t have lasted long under volleys of gunfire, but it would have been splendid fun.

I’d have probably joined in.

That is what they’re for, isn’t it?

Kids will have 'trauma' to some degree no matter what you do. Life is trauma. You can't avoid them experiencing it by giving them everything they want and I don't think reducing resilience by doing so actually helps kids. Teens and early 20s people are always little ingrates who blame their parents for everything too, it's just part of that life stage.

No you’re not unreasonable. It’s ridiculous. But the answer - as with all the moaning about social media’s effect on them - is to NOT ENGAGE. Plough your own furrow. I will be.

I think It’s worth remembering a lot of research has been done and the science around creating children who are resilient and mentally well has developed, which is why things are different now. We are in a generation now where there is a ‘no-contact’ epidemic because adult children are seeing the way their parents treated them wasn’t okay and put them on the back foot for handling life.

Making food for your child that is nutritious makes sense, if you don’t want to do the frills that then you don't have to. There is more research into insulin resistance and diabetes now that suggests sugary snacks and sandwich fillings five days a week at school is detrimental long term for children.

On the other hand, the pressure for elaborate parties and things is a choice in my opinion - if they ask why they can’t have a balloon arch and selfie backdrop (which I’m sure they won’t) maybe it’s worth talking about sustainability and environmental impact, doing the right thing for the planet.

In terms of cost for birthdays and things, again I do think that’s a choice. We buy almost everything second hand and make gifts (I learnt to knit post partum), because we want our kids to be sustainable and focus on the immaterial as they grow up. We also follow the 7 rule:

1. something they want
2. something they need
3. something homemade
4. an activity
5. a game to play
6. something edible
7. something to wear

That with gifts from relatives and to each other makes for more than enough for Christmas and birthdays.

The sustainability factor is non-negotiable for us and will 100% face resistance on as they get older- eg: if you want designer clothes then you'll need to save or we can go thrifting/ look on vinted due to affordability/ sustainability… but for now they dont even notice.

just my two cents. I think the pressure is definitely there and mum guilt is more than it’s ever been - I also think it’s up to you whether you let that impact your parenting decisions or not.

Nursery wanted us to do different dressing up outfit every day for a week.

We didn't do it, could barely make sure we all had clean clothes at the time.
I admired the kids who's parents clearly function better than me.

I agreee with you on all except I quite like pumpkin picking as wholesome and outdoorsy! Also I make soup. Some people might just love something else like matching pj's and it makes their Christmas. The thing is you should be able to pick and choose.

My oldest is only 4 so really hoping I can stand firm on the elf as hate the idea!