It’s all such bloody hard work

[Uggbootsforever]

It’s all just such hard work, the standards are so high. Yes I know you’ll say ‘it’s all optional’ but how optional is it when everyone else around you is doing things and you don’t want your child to be the odd one out?

Lunch boxes. My mum did a sandwich (honey, marmite or jam), an apple, and a penguin bar. Now you have to cut bloody veg sticks, have fresh sandwich fillings ready and available, constant healthy ‘snacks’ (I swear my mum never carried or offered me a snack?!).

Birthday parties. They used to be straightforward and fairly cheap and now they’re all about balloon arches, ‘wonderlands’, themes and elaborate commissioned cakes.

Kids don’t play out now. They hover round you 24/7 demanding things while you try in vain to do the 100 housework tasks that need doing.

I feel like slowly but surely our house has transformed into a place where everything is about the kids 24/7. My parents used to think nothing of sitting and watching a programme they wanted to see, while we played around them. I don’t think I have ever done this, whatever is on is always bloody CBeebies.

Every parent I know is still woken in the night by their 4/5/6 year old children who insist on sleeping in their bed (including me). I just want to sleep in my own bloody bed, to close my eyes at 11pm and open them at 6.30 with nobody crying or shouting me awake in between. Before becoming a parent it didn’t cross my mind I would still be being woken every night 6 years later.

I love my kids but, argh. Why are we doing this to ourselves. Ready to be told how unreasonable I am etc

I remember school milk in little bottles being brought into the classroom in crates for break time. Showing my age now !

my friends with grand children tell me that the kids do exactly what they want, it’s all revolves around them, and the insta, social media pressure is a bit much. I’m not looking forward to having grand children as Id feel so sorry for them all.

Landfill. Disgusting. Send your landfill money elsewhere.

I agree - didn’t mean to suggest it was.

Just bizarre really - I don’t think we knew about thirst or to ask for a drink, it only came with meals…!

To this day I’m not sure I’ve ever seen my parents have a glass of water, so it persists among that generation.

I remember, a long time ago perhaps going to two birthday parties in the early 60s. I think I asked my mum for one, but it now I realise it was economically impossible. I remember asking for mum to provide sandwiches for friends, but they didn’t turn up, I did remember asking Mum to provide sandwiches for friends, but they didn’t turn up. I didn’t understand social protocols, and it was an economic disaster, wasted food! For a woman who had lived through WW2 rationing that was heartfelt. I still “clear my plate” waste is obscene!

the Green movement was fully in place domestically in WW2 and the 1950s

I think the balance is to drink when thirsty. We've evolved a thirst reflex for a reason. What I see around me is people telling kids to drink rather than ensuring they can when they need to.

My local primary school had to stop the annual dress up day for world book day such was the level of competition between parents to make from scratch elaborate costumes. Not a store bought costume in sight. Everything was hand made to a ridiculous extent such that the small minority of childen whose mothers and fathers didn’t engage in this sew down felt bereft and the whole thing had to be stopped.

LOL!!!! It's true tho isn't it. When we were kids (I'm assuming here we're from the 80's) everything was much simpler. You played outside on your bike riding up and down the same road all day and birthdays were pass the parcel with "none of this present in every layer" and it was FUN! Now we feel pressure to do so much more. I found myself doing a GRAZING table for my 1yo birthday party a few years ago. I meannnnn....

In days gone past people used to beat their children. And there were latchkey kids. Things change.

It's not just in the UK either. I'm connected to lots of South Americans who I also have on SM because of my child's family. Mostly poor families who live on farms. The grandparents there complained to me how there's the expectation to throw extravagant parties for birthdays and gift iPhones and make up to teenagers. Some of the kids contacted me directly asking for these things since I'm a rich relative in their eyes. The grandparents said this is totally new and they insinuated they find the younger generation really entitled. They grew up working on the farm from a very young age, now the children don't want to help and want to leave to live with richer relatives in the city if they can do they can buy things. They're much more materialistic. But to me the parents are encouraging this somehow as they don't want their child to be the one 'without'. These are families that struggle with covering food and basics and some live in incredibly basic housing, but they make a lot of effort with birthdays and balloon arches and presents and outfits which they post online.

I also felt this pressure myself even though my child is a toddler but his last birthday I kept very simple - although I'm sure the pressure will mount as he grows.

I think it's the influence on social media making everyone superficial. We should be concentrating on what genuinely is fun rather than what looks like it is and not exhausting or wasting money on vanity projects.

You don’t have to do all that though. DD’s favourite birthday party was when she had 5 friends round in the garden, they danced to whatever they played on Alexa, did rightly 82 billion cartwheels then ate chicken nuggets (and no they didn’t die from them), pizza and chips.

As for packed lunches…give them what they will eat. DD has a cheese or ham wrap, a yogurt and some sort of snack in a packet most days, won’t eat fruit or veg sticks so what’s the point.

Idk- parenting is hard work but I enjoy it. I definitely have low expectations which I think helps and never want insta perfection photos or to make memories. I’ve never minded co-sleeping when needed (in fact I miss it!), parties were organised chaos where I could just chat to other parents (soft play etc) and play dates included parents who I trusted and liked/respected. I am definitely a lot more ‘present’ in the lives of my kids than my parents were but I see that as a positive thing (for them and me)

They are always having their water in class as if their life depended on it. Then comes the bottle flipping, asking to go out to fill up the bottle and if it's naughty year 9 boys, then squirting their friends shirts with it. And don't start me about when they peel labels off making lots of noise.

Flipping heck! That sounds intense. At my kids school most people just got something from Asda!

😂 me too. Not happening in a million years . Little fuckers 😂

In days gone past people used to beat their children. And there were latchkey kids. Things change.

But the pendulum, in many cases, has swung to far the other way. There are parents that cant say no to their children, spoiling them with unnecessary things that they dont need and not entirely appropriate for their age, parents decribing their children as their 'best friend' which is fine once they are adults but not for children.

Children don't need instagram worthy parties, balloon arches and beauty pamper days when they are 7 years old.
They need consistency, firm boundaries, to be told 'no" when needed, a secure and safe place and emotional warmth and love.
Theres an old expression, keeping up up with Jones and thats all thats a big part of whats happening with the op.
Once she realises most people only care about their own image and not what ever you do or don't do, the happier she'll be.
I learned that lesson a long time ago and its served me and my family well.

Of course you aren’t unreasonable. I had my kids in the ‘80’s and there wasn’t anything like the level of expectation there is now. Even less when I was a child. Got six grandkids now and the pressure to give in to the horrible wave of entitlement is huge.If you really don’t want to do it( and I wouldn’t blame you at all) , hold out and don’t! You would be doing your children a big favour. Best of luck x

No social media for me and DH and no screen time at the weekends for our kids means I don’t have perfect parenting rammed down my throat and my kids are happy entertaining themselves and playing out.

I’m not saying that to be smug - just two simple changes (no SM and no weekend screen time for the kids) has made parenting so much more chilled. The kids also nag us less at weekends for some reason, I’m not sure why!

It's not even that the standards are actually high, they are just ridiculous. Constant, never ending streams of busy work and ALL of it falling on mothers for the most part.

Just 30 years ago, my parents absolutely never went to my school for anything, at all, ever, except one egg and spoon race on sports day in primary and a couple of school plays. You only met with the teachers if there was a problem.

Absolutely zero dress up days for mothers to have to find or make costumes for, we had one free dress day every year and you brought a small donation in for the school and could wear your own clothes. No Hallowe'en, Easter, crazy socks or anything else at the school - which was great, we could do that stuff outside school if we wanted.

Loads of buses and public transport, just as well because my parents never owned a car and once I was about 8 I walked myself to school - these days any kid walking alone is a target because there are almost no other children walking around out there.

There was a school disco once a year, which was a good laugh as it was so cheesy, we all loved the smoke machine and the strobe lights - they'd be banned now.

My mum used to wrap a cheese sandwich in a bit of plastic and give me a milky way or 10p for a play piece. When I was older, she would give me enough to buy myself some chips and a drink.

At my kids' school every year they had a mother's day stall - guess who runs it? Mothers. Guess who runs the father's day stall? Mothers. Guess who buys the gifts, wraps the gifts and gives the kids money for a gift? Mothers.

As for hanging around with your parents, nobody wanted to. We'd watch some telly together as a family, and went on a caravan holiday once a year, sometimes we went to see a movie, but that was pretty unusual I didn't know many people whose mums took them to the movies. We would sometimes go out together for egg rolling or to visit gran or things like that - but you didn't hang around your mum and dad, you just got on with it.

I was always out and about, when I was young just outside playing when I was older visiting friends. You had one phone in the house and everyone used it so no endless discussions with people you barely knew. We read a lot of books and did a lot of colouring, puzzles, went for walks to keep the boredom away.

Oh and none of us ever had a birthday party. Nobody did, really, it was no big deal. My mum would make us a nice little cake every year and we would get a couple of presents, family would sing happy birthday. 18 and 21 were celebrated, the rest was just a small family affair, and it was great.

In some ways they were better times, and certainly for mothers they were far less pointlessly demanding.

I haven't read the full thread but honestly I'm glad the pendulum has swing towards children a bit. I grew up in the 80s and my childhood was awful. I was made to feel like an inconvenience and an afterthought my entire life and while my physical needs were met emotionally my parents were useless / actively harmful to me.

I have two older brothers who are 5 and 4 years older than me and I've always thought i was a mistake even though my parents never said anything. My parents seemed to actively resent their children and I never did any activities I liked.

My daughter gets cuddles every day of her life and is told she is loved. She does lots of activities and has more opportunities in her life than I ever had. But she also knows that these don't come for free and she's expected to behave properly or she won't get those opportunities.

My life does revolve around her to a certain extent and I like that in some ways but in others it's difficult. But anything is better than feeling like your parents don't love you or want you around.

And we didn't want to hang around our parents, we had far better things to do.

It was a much better time for mothers. Definitely.

Sounds exhausting- I'm no expert because I don't have kids, but I do remember my parents refused to take part in escalation of lunches/parties, when I had friends whose parents put more in. Waking the parents before the alarm once 5 was strictly really bad nightmare /Christmas Day only. I think you need to regain some space and time from your kids- kids will push for as much as they can, so it's on you to hold the line, I'm afraid.

I do think the world is a lot more child centric than ever before and not all of it is good!

I know it’s not the point of the thread but 5 is sort of prime age for Halloween. Bizarre response!

Most of it is not good, at all. Parents rightfully think their own kids are super important - but they are teaching their kids that they are super important to everyone else as well, and that their wants will be instantly met - which is just not true. Once they start socialising, harsh reality clashes with the child's expectations. A whole class of little Jemima and Jaspers who've never been told "I'm busy, go and occupy yourself" or "I'm having a sleep in, read a book if you're bored". A whole school of kids who think the universe revolves around them because their mum does. It's nightmare fuel and we are seeing it play out in real time.

I know but OP was complaining about it and I just thought surely there isn't any expectation to throw a Halloween party for 5 year olds? I might take my 4 year old to a few neighbours we know for some sweets. Anyway she said it was actually a birthday party which makes more sense.