DS hating UK uni and feeling guilty for encouraging him to go

[Dailyster]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really worried tonight and would love some perspective from people who have been through this. DS (18) has just started university in the UK and he is already saying he hates it. We lived in the UK until he was 3, then moved back to Russia. DH is British (from the South) and we always spoke English at home, so DS has grown up bilingual. When it came to applying for uni we really encouraged him to go back to the UK as we thought it would give him more opportunities, improve his career prospects and give him a chance to experience life in the country where he was born.

He was excited during the whole application process, worked hard on his A levels here and on his UCAS application, got a great offer and was thrilled when he got it. We visited in the spring and it all seemed perfect.

But now he is two weeks in and he sounds completely miserable. Every time we speak he just sounds flat and sad. He says his flatmates are friendly enough but he struggles to join in with them. They go out drinking and clubbing most nights and he is not really into that. He has gone out a couple of times but said he just felt awkward and left early.

He also says the accents are very hard to follow. He is in the North and although his English is good, he grew up hearing southern English from DH and his family and the northern accents plus slang are sometimes too fast for him. He feels embarrassed asking people to repeat themselves and just smiles along even when he does not fully understand. He told me that a couple of his flatmates sometimes laugh when he says certain words slightly differently and imitate him in a “jokey” way, which is making him feel self-conscious about speaking at all. He said he knows they do not mean to be cruel but it makes him want to stay in his room even more.

Academically he is finding it a shock too. The course is more theoretical than he expected, with long lectures and reading lists, and he said he struggles to keep up because he is translating things in his head all the time. He has joined a couple of societies but said he feels awkward turning up on his own and that everyone seems to already know each other.

He has already started saying he wants to come home and apply to a uni here next year. I have told him that it is normal to feel out of place at the start and that he should at least give it until Christmas before deciding. But I am starting to wonder if I am just making him suffer because I think it is “good for him” to stick it out. I feel so guilty because I really encouraged this whole idea and told him how amazing it would be. Now I am not sure if I have set him up for a horrible experience.

Has anyone had a DC who hated it at first but then found their feet later on? Or has anyone let their DC leave and come home? I want him to be happy but I also do not want him to miss out on what could be a great experience if he can just get through this first difficult term. Any advice or similar experiences would be very welcome.

I hated it at first and then grew to love it. I went to a northern uni but came from London and felt exactly the same as your dc even though it was London not Russia! Could not have been more different, different social rules, couldn't understand what people were saying at times. They mocked in a "nice" but initially quite othering way the fact that I was from the south. I had had a completely different upbringing from everyone around me. I had gone through a partying stage between 14 and 16 (!) and found the insane partying in freshers' week to be really annoying, and I sounded very posh which people commented on. All this will be even worse for someone from a completely different country.

It changed for me when I started going out with someone from Doncaster (Yorkshire, north, very strong accent, a lot of local words) who basically interpreted everything for me (as though I came from Russia) and to some extent I decided that I was going to be happier if I gave in and let my hair down a bit. I even picked up a mild northern accent.

There are going to be people who would love to meet your dc as he is though, too, they just might not be as visible right now, so giving it a bit of time on the basis that he will meet other types of people as time goes on is worth it.

Within a fairly short space of time your dc's ear will tune in. If the course is more than expected, if he just focuses on that for a short time to make sure he gets to grips with it, with the belief that socially things will work out, then that might work too.

The key things for his decision, though, is does he know where his future will be - Russia or the west? And will the degree from where he is be better or worse than in Russia? And how will Russia look on his UK qualifications if he wants to return there?

FWIW, OP, I did Russian as a degree and had a year abroad. (Split because it was the Cold War and couldn't get a year in the one place.)

I was monolingual, of course, and it wasn't until I'd been in Moscow for more than three months that my ear tuned in. Later, I was in Leningrad and it was a much more positive experience because my Russian was more up to speed.

Given that your son is bilingual, he should catch up much sooner.

I hate to tell you both this but conscription is a very real possibility in the west too unless public opinion rises up and says no. Some countries in Europe are already asking their hospitals to be read for as early as next year for a war time situation. Studying in a different country unlikely to make any difference.

I hope that public opinion rises up and stops the madness. It really is a grim situation.

I understand the language issue.

but apart from that… would going to a different uni change anything? If yes: Why? People might still already know each other. He might not click with his house mates, the classes might be difficult etc.

These are completely normal issues students are expected to overcome. It may be difficult and unpleasant. But it may still be worthwhile and yes, even „character building“.

I definitely agree with those people suggesting the international student union.

I remember feeling similar "fish out of water" when joining a UK uni from abroad despite being British! He definitely needs more time to find his group of people, there are more options out there! Most activities/ societies / groups have a few trial sessions before they ask you to commit so I would encourage him to try as many as he can: all first years are in the same boat and he will meet lots of new people trying activies. I remember trying trampolining: never stuck with the activity but found a great group of people! A family member is still in touch with his D&D society from playing together at uni! I would say give it until Christmas and review, then it might seem more achievable

Which University is he at? Some universities have a lot more "international" students than others, but there will likely be Societies for "international" students or maybe even a "Russia Soc", though I don't know if the war may have reduced numbers. There will likely be an International Students Office too who could signpost him to other support networks.

Agree he should continue with the sport, it may take a while to make friends - though do be aware some sports socs are very heavily linked to drinking socials.

What other hobbies or interests did he have at home? Music or volunteering or gaming may well open up some other non-drinking social avenues.

Do encourage him to stick with it until Christmas.

Might he be on the receiving end of negativity for being Russian? The Ukraine invasion especially affected how young people see Russia and there may be some suspicion towards him.

It's been two weeks. His brain is rewiring a huge amount of new info. Location, climate, language, accents, people, workload - it is a LOT. Especially as winter is coming which can drag mood down.

I went to uni about 90 minutes' journey from home - and hated it ALL to begin with. Because everything was .... Other. Different. And for an 18 year old (as in still developing) brain, it was hard.

My advice to him:

Get out there.

Everyone else is feeling exactly the same as you are, especially those in your year. Look at and think about them in that way, have compassion and sympathy for them as well as feeling sorry for yourself.

Join ... EVERYTHING. I did theatre and film stuff.

Be active - there'll probably be a gym, sports teams, fitness classes.

Join foreign students' groups to find people you can relate to.

Eat properly. You're being sensible about the drinking.

Throw yourself into the classes, seminars, tutorials, assignments, presentations.

Be friendly and chatty - it will help you practice listening, understanding and speaking as well as help you integrate and fit in, and the shyest ones will be grateful.

The academic workload and cultural pressures - speak to your tutors, head of year, pastoral team, student mentors. Be open and mature about how you're feeling and why, and ask for their help and support.

Hi, I'm xx - I don't think we've met yet.
Where are you from?
How are you finding the course?
I'm finding x a bit of a challenge - do you have any tips?

Great uni!

I don’t hold myself out as a russia expert, but my understanding was they were happily conscripting foreigners.

Still, I guess if the OP feels happy then that has to be taken at face value. I’m sure you can avoid it if you have money.

Personally if I could avoid living under a dictatorship I would, but the whole family have clearly taken a decision to live there so 🤷‍♀️

I would advise the DS to stay in the UK if he possibly can!

Well we could well end up at war.

Because our leaders have dithered and been incredibly weak about russia.

I think your analysis needs to think more about the globalist perspective, but I don't think it would be fair to derail the thread.

It is a big culture shock and he well may experience negativity for him being from russia - it is not Putin personally fighting or dropping bombs, it is russian people doing these things and killing other people. Also, other eastern europeans, with whom he would previously have shared cultural outlook, might not be as willing to accept him, especially if he is ambivalent or "not into politics, as russians say", etc. Mostly, when people get to know him and his views, this will ease.
Many students struggle in the first term, but ask him that - would he be happier to live in russia now, knowing how things are, how you can't speak freely, how you are expected to support all that "patriotic" bullshit over there, studying with people and learning from people who (in significant majority) do support the war and are very anti- west? Clearly if your family lives there, you are happy for your taxes to be used to finance the war effort, so he might as well be too and might feel comfortable at moscow uni.
There is plenty of excellent advice and personal experience on this thread from various posters, but unfortunately politics does come into this and can't be ignored.
I hope he settles eventually and will enjoy the course.

Yeah I think there should be some honesty here.

I also wonder if the kids around him aren't able to process him being Russian and being in the UK considering what is going on in the Ukraine. I'm not saying it's right, but they could feel that way especially if he is avoiding conscription.

Does your son want to go to uni in Russia?

He needs to meet the other international students. There will be loads of them and he will have so much more in common with them than with the Brits who just want to go out drinking. There will be an international office at the university who may be organising get togethers. What he’s experiencing now is absolutely to be expected, and it will get better if he sticks it out.

https://www.ucas.com/international/international-students/support-for-international-students/five-support-organisations-that-help-international-students

I used to work with international students and always remember a speech given by a young man from India who did an undergraduate degree in Wales, about how scared and confused he was by everything at first, all the food was unfamiliar, the customs were different and he didn’t want to speak to anyone at all because he sounded so different to everyone else. He ended up loving it and staying on at the same uni for a PhD and became an international student ambassador. It can be very empowering to stick with something that’s tough and get to a stage where it’s better.

Nobody at university is at risk of conscription - you can defer army year until after you finish university. Education in the UK has always been considered very prestigious and there is absolutely nothing strange about this boy going to uni in the UK. The only unusual part I would say is choosing a uni in the North.

I'm guessing Yorkshire or Newcastle, a lot of British people struggle with the accents. I have been told I sound like a machine gun to non native speakers.

Two weeks isn't long.

As a PP said there will be a counselling service, he won't be the only one walking around with a smile and crumbling inside. Counselling is as much a resource as the library.

Speaking of the library most unis have short courses on study skills which he might find useful.

I'd suggest going back to the societies and fake being more outgoing if he can. Most societies will have some form of contact, usually an email, he could contact them and ask for someone to meet him before the next meeting.

Can he cook? I find cooking will bring people out of their rooms (I never did halls but lived in hospital accommodation which is similar) maybe invite his flatmates to a Russian meal or just a single dish.

He will have a personal tutor, they are not just there for academics but to talk to about the course.

I think the big thing about uni is you have to seek out help, no one is checking up on you.

Would he consider you being in the loop with tutors? Under data protection the uni can't talk to you about him unless he gives permission.

Is there any way he could ask around for contact with other Russian speakers? I know there might not be any but you never know. Maybe start a society.

Oh the teasing about the way he says things, let him know we do this with each other as quite normal when the accent is different and it is perfectly OK for him to do it back.

Is he coming home for Christmas? I know Russian and UK Xmas are about a week apart. Give him a list of things you would like him to bring home. Maybe stagger things so it's once a week he will have to go out and do some shopping.

Sorry he is not enjoying it but there is time.

Why would it be unusual to choose a uni in the north? Not all universities run all courses. Perhaps this one has the course he wanted to do. I know his dad is from the south of the UK, but the north isn't that many miles different, especially when you compare to distances in Russia. And people from all over the country go to universities from all over the country. Local accents may be different, and many more people go to uni locally than before, but you get a plethora of everyone everywhere. I am puzzled by this comment - anyone help me out here?

I was thinking this. My mum´s English and my dad´s Spanish, I never translate either language in my head, I sometimes can´t even remember in what language I was spoken to. I have learned a third language and I do find I do this "translating" in my head as from a certain level. He isn´t bilingual.

Germany is bringing conscription back from July 2027. My youngest will be conscripted. I am very much not okay with this in any way, and honestly feel his generation have been utterly shafted from every direction by my generation and my parents' generation. I'd send him elsewhere to avoid being sent off to die or be irreversibly damaged for life (physically or psychologically, as we now all know most conscripted teenagers sent to war are). Of course I would. Any parent would - why should our children pay the price for old men's chauvinistic wars?

Unusual for Russians to choose unis in the North rather than London ime

That's your definition of bilingualism, but there is no single universally agreed definition. Usually bilingual just means able to use two languages fluently in every day life. Another definition would be "mastery" of two languages (but if we're honest plenty of monolinguals don't have true "mastery" of even their one language, so how should "mastery" be defined?).

There's no rule about how you think or both languages being at exactly identical levels. My children could never remember which language things had been said in when they were little, but that's about growing up with two languages, not a definition of being bilingual (as adults and near adults they wouldn't forget which language was being spoken because it is strongly related to context, and "the wrong" language would be memorable out of context).

HNRTT but two weeks if early. Different people take different amounts of time to settle.

Economics at that level will be really maths-intensive, If he has the maths then many will feel more out of place than he will.

If he is struggling with the pace of lectures then would the university lecturers let him have sight of the slides before lectures given the language issue so he can read ahead and be better placed to follow?

I don't want to minimise his discomfort but perhaps try and encourage him to take a future view. Over his life and presumably cosmopolitan career, he'll probably be in environments where he feels different - his future self can thank him for the practice now in managing to cope?

Good luck.

???? they hold presidential elections every 6 years, which Putin has won by landslide. The Russians I know adore Putin. They love that he is a "strong leader" (their words).
But back to the Op´s son, perhaps he is in the wrong setting? He needs an option that is more international where he doesnt feel like the odd one. Also the University system is very...original. It will take him some time to get his head round it.

To quote Stalin (another of our "great" leaders 🫠) "It's not who votes that counts, it's who counts the votes."

It's also easier to win elections if you kill off all opposition.

Indeed. But of all the Russians I have met, I still have to hear just ONE criticise the big leader. And believe you me, I am eagerly waiting, just for the novelty.