DS hating UK uni and feeling guilty for encouraging him to go

[Dailyster]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really worried tonight and would love some perspective from people who have been through this. DS (18) has just started university in the UK and he is already saying he hates it. We lived in the UK until he was 3, then moved back to Russia. DH is British (from the South) and we always spoke English at home, so DS has grown up bilingual. When it came to applying for uni we really encouraged him to go back to the UK as we thought it would give him more opportunities, improve his career prospects and give him a chance to experience life in the country where he was born.

He was excited during the whole application process, worked hard on his A levels here and on his UCAS application, got a great offer and was thrilled when he got it. We visited in the spring and it all seemed perfect.

But now he is two weeks in and he sounds completely miserable. Every time we speak he just sounds flat and sad. He says his flatmates are friendly enough but he struggles to join in with them. They go out drinking and clubbing most nights and he is not really into that. He has gone out a couple of times but said he just felt awkward and left early.

He also says the accents are very hard to follow. He is in the North and although his English is good, he grew up hearing southern English from DH and his family and the northern accents plus slang are sometimes too fast for him. He feels embarrassed asking people to repeat themselves and just smiles along even when he does not fully understand. He told me that a couple of his flatmates sometimes laugh when he says certain words slightly differently and imitate him in a “jokey” way, which is making him feel self-conscious about speaking at all. He said he knows they do not mean to be cruel but it makes him want to stay in his room even more.

Academically he is finding it a shock too. The course is more theoretical than he expected, with long lectures and reading lists, and he said he struggles to keep up because he is translating things in his head all the time. He has joined a couple of societies but said he feels awkward turning up on his own and that everyone seems to already know each other.

He has already started saying he wants to come home and apply to a uni here next year. I have told him that it is normal to feel out of place at the start and that he should at least give it until Christmas before deciding. But I am starting to wonder if I am just making him suffer because I think it is “good for him” to stick it out. I feel so guilty because I really encouraged this whole idea and told him how amazing it would be. Now I am not sure if I have set him up for a horrible experience.

Has anyone had a DC who hated it at first but then found their feet later on? Or has anyone let their DC leave and come home? I want him to be happy but I also do not want him to miss out on what could be a great experience if he can just get through this first difficult term. Any advice or similar experiences would be very welcome.

I bet a lot of students are feeling exactly the same at this stage. It’s not an easy transition. He needs to give it a bit longer, try and find his people (clubs and societies) and ask the university for help with translation (they are obliged to offer support for additional needs). He might even want to transfer to a different course. How will he feel if he quits this early after working so hard? It might not be right for him but it’s too soon to say. See how things are at Christmas.

As a northerner who also went to a northern uni where loads of people from my hometown ended up, I’ve found that northerners tend to have more banter. For people who aren’t used to it, that can sometimes feel like it crosses the line. Joking about accents is really common at uni and everyone does it whether you’re a Scouser, Geordie, or anything else.

I also remember being thrown by how much regional slang there was, since every area seems to have its own. We actually turned it into a bit of a game, which made it fun.

It sounds like the people he’s in halls with might not be the best match. He might find more like-minded people on his course, or he could even ask halls if a room becomes free to move in with others who are a better fit.

It’s Freshers Week so people are naturally going out more than usual. It’s a great time to look at societies that are not sport related too, since a lot of the sport ones tend to revolve around drinking.

Has he checked if any of the reading is available in his native language? And one last tip, northerners do speak quickly, so it’s always fine just to ask us to slow down.

When I went on student exchange eleven million years ag (pre internet days) the advice was that there were two peak times for homesickness: 3 weeks and 3 months. He's right in the first peak! International students do find settling in hard: culture shock, regional variations of accents, different systems to what they are used to.....I strongly recommend the recommendations to join international student groups, but also to watch back the recorded lectures and live in English as much as possible. Also, I bet the quiet flatmate is lonely and a bit sad too--maybe your son could talk to him and suggest a quiet drink, or a boardgame, or something of shared interest.

He should go back to Russia

If he has to translate lessons in his head, that’s not bilingual. Maybe he’s fluent, but technically it’s not called bilingual.

What a shit comment. ‘Doesn’t fit in’ as if OP’s son is the problem. God.

I grew up in Russia. I remember I hated school when I first came back to the UK but soon got used to it and started to enjoy it.

Likewise with uni. I didn’t enjoy it the first term (wasn't into clubbing) but soon enjoyed it and now looking back, it was one of the best times of my life.

I hated my first uni but stuck it out for the first year. I was then able to transfer straight onto a 2nd year course at a uni closer to my parent's home. Completed degree there and then went further afield for post grad.

I would encourage him to give it a bit longer but let him know you will support his decision it he still does not feel it is working at that point. It was surprisingly easy for me to switch uni's, they were particularly keen to take me in year 2, perhaps to fill places where others had dropped out.

If there are English people at the uni studying Russian I imagine they would be interested in meeting up with your son to talk in Russian for a bit then English for a bit. Could be mutually beneficial?

My friend from Luxembourg went to uni in Dundee. It took her a good few weeks before she could understand most people given there were lots of Glaswegians and people from Fife. But once she got over that hurdle she was fine and really enjoyed her time there. I'm sure he will get the hang of it, and the same with lectures once he starts thinking in English after he's been properly immersed. Perhaps worth him asking the quiet person in the flat out to do something? His experience sounds like normal starting uni nerves with the added layer of the language barrier; I'm sure he will settle. I agree on giving it to Christmas.

Yes, I too was wondering about the real motivation.

It is very early days and quite normal for some students not to find their stride straight away.
One of mine was miserable from day one but it was mainly due to the course not being what was expected. He did stick it out til Christmas as advised by his tutor, but left at that point and went to a different uni the following September where he thrived.

Really? 5 and a half million people in Yorkshire and they're all narrow-minded?

Maybe it is not the right university for him? Some universities are very 'British" and some are a lot more international. Maybe he would feel more at home at a lower ranked university with significant international student population? Or just come back to university in Russia? Economics tends to be theoretical, if he wants more practical course then maybe something adjacent like business or accounting

If he is committed to give it a try, it takes a minute to adjust. Roomates don't have to he your friends. Keep going to the sports thing, find other societies, if the university is anywhere near a bigger city they should have a Russian population.

Also it is fine to ask to slow down and repeat. It feels awkward and if there is some comments.i feel like "im sorry, how mamy languages do you speak" usually stops that "banter".

I think the piss-taking about his pronunciation needs to stop. I think your son can point out that it's hard work speaking a second language especially when there are regional variants. He will be glad of any help they can give about how to say particular words.

If the piss-taking continues, the matter could be raised with the University in terms of its anti-racism policies. Just because it's white on white racism, doesn't mean it doesn't matter. It may be that a shared flat with other overseas students would work better because everyone would be dealing with adjusting to major changes.

We all know there are regional differences. And different areas have different reputations. Some positive and some negative. Doesn't mean every single person in that area represents the reputation. Mackems are known as being friendly, doesn't mean there are no assholes in Sunderland

Early days, it's hard when our kids are sad. I'd be inclined to tough it out till Christmas.

Strong agreement with this! I've moved to 3 different countries, two of which spoke a language I'd done at school - so fine with books and slow speech, but zero fluency - and one I didn't know. Immersion's the way to go. It's how we learned our native language - two in your DS's case, @Dailyster - and the mechanism's still there, it just needs waking up.

I also went through major culture shock each time. The first move was at 18yo, similar to your DS. I've learned that, for me, wandering around and observing everything, trying stuff out, works the immersion magic again. The rhythm of life in the new place seeps in. With a pre-made environment like a university, flatmates and social activities, DS will probably find this easier than this girl on her own did, but it worked for me and I'm betting it'll work for him too.

Advise him to look out for stuff he likes - people, food, music, shops, television, everything - and stuff he finds strange or funny. Imagine telling people at home about it! I wrote long letters home. He might fancy doing a vlog, facetiming his Russian mates from central Leeds or wherever, or just thinking about what he'd say.

One more hint: I was raised with the aim of doing one thing that scares you every day. OK, when you've just landed in a brand-new situation, it's going to be a lot more than one thing each day! The principle is, as every philosopher from the Stoics to yesterday's hottest motivational guru has opined, that this is what really grows us as people. It makes us interesting and it makes us proud. Here - I daren't try and find this in Russian, but I bet you can 😁

I hope he has a great time.

Christmas is too long to wait. Encourage him to join a society for international students. A bigger concern is not being able to follow the lectures if he is only in week 2. Economics degrees at U.K. universities are maths heavy. Are you able to visit him in the coming weeks?

His “ear” will click with the accent eventually.
Are his lectures recorded? If so suggest he uses the recordings to enhance his notes at the time. If not he could ask to record them. My daughter has a specialist microphone and transcription software as part of the package for her disability. He should also talk to both his Academic tutor and lecturers about his struggles and how to overcome them (such as permission to record lectures).
Also if he has access to the gym going there regularly will help. As joining things like board game society?

@Dailyster I have sent you a Pm because I have kids at uni in the North who don't go clubbing (they don't drink) etc and I wondered if they might be at the same place.

Also you will get more parents with kids in higher education if you post this dilemma on the "Higher Ed" board instead of the AIBU board, someone in admin might be able to move it for you.

There's quite a few parents talking about the difficulties their kids are having starting university this month, which may be helpful.

I have no experience of University myself, but I think it's early days at the moment. I think a lot of students feel like this at the start of the term. For context, I live in the South of the UK, and even sometimes I struggle with a strong Northern accent! Can you son get some support with regards to his course? If he's struggling to keep up, as everything is in English and he's mentally having to translate, that must be exhausting. Can he join a group for international students? He doesn't need to go clubbing/drinking if that's not him. He needs to widen his friendship group, and find ways to do this. I can guarantee he's not the only student struggling to fit in, feeling homesick and wondering if they've made a mistake! He needs to give it a go at least until Christmas.

As a Russian, I have to say that there's really no future in Russia for young people right now and for the next decade at least. Please encourage him. He may just need to focus on academics.

Is he at risk of getting drafted (does he have a health excuse) ? If not, he absolutely needs to stay for the sake of his life

It is very early days, if he doesn't settle I'd look for different accommodation first.

Drop out before 1st December as that will mean you don’t at the full fee for the year BUT

Being an international student is hard in the early days but gets easier

Economics at University is very different but there are programmes that are less econometric driven and many places have two tracks based on Maths competence

if there’s a Russian language degree they might have language buddying

many places have student led mentoring which he could use and subject societies

but in most universities this is week 1 of teaching - give it a month of classes and decide