DS hating UK uni and feeling guilty for encouraging him to go

[Dailyster]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really worried tonight and would love some perspective from people who have been through this. DS (18) has just started university in the UK and he is already saying he hates it. We lived in the UK until he was 3, then moved back to Russia. DH is British (from the South) and we always spoke English at home, so DS has grown up bilingual. When it came to applying for uni we really encouraged him to go back to the UK as we thought it would give him more opportunities, improve his career prospects and give him a chance to experience life in the country where he was born.

He was excited during the whole application process, worked hard on his A levels here and on his UCAS application, got a great offer and was thrilled when he got it. We visited in the spring and it all seemed perfect.

But now he is two weeks in and he sounds completely miserable. Every time we speak he just sounds flat and sad. He says his flatmates are friendly enough but he struggles to join in with them. They go out drinking and clubbing most nights and he is not really into that. He has gone out a couple of times but said he just felt awkward and left early.

He also says the accents are very hard to follow. He is in the North and although his English is good, he grew up hearing southern English from DH and his family and the northern accents plus slang are sometimes too fast for him. He feels embarrassed asking people to repeat themselves and just smiles along even when he does not fully understand. He told me that a couple of his flatmates sometimes laugh when he says certain words slightly differently and imitate him in a “jokey” way, which is making him feel self-conscious about speaking at all. He said he knows they do not mean to be cruel but it makes him want to stay in his room even more.

Academically he is finding it a shock too. The course is more theoretical than he expected, with long lectures and reading lists, and he said he struggles to keep up because he is translating things in his head all the time. He has joined a couple of societies but said he feels awkward turning up on his own and that everyone seems to already know each other.

He has already started saying he wants to come home and apply to a uni here next year. I have told him that it is normal to feel out of place at the start and that he should at least give it until Christmas before deciding. But I am starting to wonder if I am just making him suffer because I think it is “good for him” to stick it out. I feel so guilty because I really encouraged this whole idea and told him how amazing it would be. Now I am not sure if I have set him up for a horrible experience.

Has anyone had a DC who hated it at first but then found their feet later on? Or has anyone let their DC leave and come home? I want him to be happy but I also do not want him to miss out on what could be a great experience if he can just get through this first difficult term. Any advice or similar experiences would be very welcome.

That's not going to help if he is trying to avoid conscription is it?

The language issue will sort itself out relatively quickly as he gets attuned to hearing English all the time in different accents. He shouldn't be self-conscious about his own accent, there will be plenty of people speaking in a myriad of accents.

Does he socialise with people on his course? It would help him to make friends with them, not least so that he can borrow notes if he is missing stuff at the moment. In the meantime, does he have someone like a personal tutor assigned to him? If so, he should talk to him or her about his current difficulties in following the course - they may be able to offer him some extra catch-up sessions or something similar.

My sons experience was very similar, not in to going oit drinking and just constantly felt on the boundary. Within weeks he wasn't eating as never had an appetite and just stayed in his room. His flat mates were mainly girls, only one boy who didn't integrate, so that didn't help. We convinced him to stay until November but inevitably he came home as he was deteriorating so fast. Had he left a week earlier they'd have wsived the tuition fees but we ended up paying out £7k to get him out. It's now a year on and hes applying for degree apprenticeships instead and has had a year out dounf an additional A level that he needed. I really wish your son all the best, hope things improve 🙏.

Could he try some of the societies which attract a more varied group.

Your son wont be at Lancaster because Freshers only started two days ago but I know there M.U.N. (Model United Nations) has a lot of European students. There are Russian students, French students, German students etc alongside british students. It's basically role play but alongside some topical/political issues they do fun things like harry potter scenarios/lord of the rings based scenarios/dune based scenarios/fictional disaster based scenarios. It attracts lots of politics/IR/economics/law students. A lot seems to happen in bars and at flat parties! DS absolutely loves it.

Op, as a random suggestion re. The accents, I lived with a few international students at uni and they always insisted that I correct their grammar and pronunciation if they said anything wrong. Perhaps your ds needs to talk to them individually and get to know them a bit and ask that they help him out if they can. I hope he finds his feet soon.

Can he record the maths sessions where the accent is challenging? then he can go back over it in his own time to make sure there's nothing he has missed. It maybe the lecturer can provide recordings or slides for this purpose - worth his asking.

I hated the first term at uni. Hated it. And I was going home every weekend to see my boyfriend - a big mistake on a number of levels. I very nearly left. The work was so hard and I was left to myself a lot.

He’s not going to settle if he’s ringing you every night. That’s not going to work for anyone, let alone someone in a foreign country. So I would agree a time for a once-a-week call.

He needs to persevere with his clubs. Head down with his studies. It’ll fall into place.

It sounds very hard but it’s also very early days.

Yep, I was going to suggest this too. It should help his confidence if he's the fluent one in the conversation for some of the time, and will hopefully allow him to get acclimatised more quickly to the various accents. I also agree with talking to his tutor about the fact he's struggling a bit, and getting access to lecture recordings/transcripts if they're available. He might also want to consider whether switching courses to something a bit less theoretical like maybe Business Studies might be worth doing, and finding out if that's possible.

I agree that it can take a bit of time to find your people, and he's more likely to find them doing stuff that he enjoys rather than those he's just been thrown together in shared housing with. But generally you have to keep going back to build a relationship with people - I had 2 really close friends at uni, one of whom I felt like I'd known forever the first time we met, while the other took a while to get to know but absolutely helped keep me sane when I was stressing out about exams and other stuff. Giving it till Christmas is a sensible cut off point if it's really not for him, but it really is early days just yet.

If he is thinking of switching to another university, Lancaster students have literally only just moved in two days ago and so he won't have missed out on anything and its a very sociable, collegiate university which is fully campus based so its very easy for students to feel part of a community. They have so much on campus - cinema, theatre, curry house, chinese restaurant, noodle bar, caribbean takeaway, pizzeria, deli, seven bars, Greggs, subway, costa, starbucks, barbers, post office, three supermarkets (one is a chinese supermarket), car garage, massive new sports complex etc, etc I mention it in particular because economics at Lancaster has two options; you can do a BCS which is more maths based or a BA which is not maths based and doesn't require A level maths.

Lots of good advice on the thread. Your son’s experience is really common. My elder daughter who is very sociable and was a domestic student going to university in a city she loved from first sight really struggled for the first 6 weeks or so. But she decided to give it till Christmas and by then she was loving it. Encourage your son to give it a bit longer. Also, the students won’t all know each other but it can easily look that way from the outside. Are there any students of Russian at his uni? Perhaps he could offer to help them with their conversational practice and make some connections that way?

On an unrelated note: i studied Russian from scratch at university and had a year out in St P centuries ago. Such a beautiful language and such an interesting and beautiful place. I had an amazing time there. I’m aware there are still students choosing to study it, including from scratch, and am so pleased about that.

What?

Is this a racist comment? Totally inappropriate if so.

Reporting so Mumsnet HQ can decide.

Op I hope your lad is ok. Personally I would arrange to visit him and insist he carries on until Christmas at least. Encourage him to talk to his tutors and student councillor to see if his understanding of English is sufficient to follow his course (there is usually a competence test) and maybe a change of accommodation might help?

DD joined the international students society and found her tribe there - although she’s British, she was raised in Belgium and France, and went through the American school system. She found she had a lot more in common with international students than other Brits.

It sounds like going to the UK was more your choice than his.

If so I think he may do best leaving, and starting a course in his own country.

People usually do best in situations they freely choose for themselves when it's possible.

It’s still early days I will say. There are def ‘dry’ events at universities. Not everyone drinks.
My DS had 3 international students in his flat but they didn’t really mix w the uk ones - and kept to people from their own countries.

I am from the south and all my flatmates were northern and they teased me about my accent, I thought it was quite funny tbh. We all teased each other a bit!

re the course, that’s more concerning but hopefully he’ll get in to it.

Which university is it? Some in the North have many students with southern accents so maybe he has not met them. Think of Newcastle University and Durham University.

What were his grades at A level? (To get some sense of the extent to which a course could be difficult in practice).

He might have been better off at a European university, say in Holland, but as you say he is only two weeks in. The English language aspect will get easier, the other people will get bored of remarking on his accent. He can find people who have interests other than drinking all the time.

He should try to see his tutor first no matter what.

Might he be willing to change course, say to Russian?

Yeah, cos all Russians support Putin. Don’t be ridiculous.

He's British. He was born here and lived here until he was three.

Why is it Racist? You can't invade other countries, commit evil war crimes, and then expect the world to treat your citizens like everyone else. If Russians want to be respected they need to step up and stop voting in a leader who commits atrocities.

I think I initially he needs to join more societies, particularly if he doesn't want to drink. He should use the societies to find something to do in the evenings even if they are activities he just fancies giving a try rather than being passionate about.

For those mentioning Durham, it's not. Term starts 6th October.

I doubt it, lectures at Lancaster start next week.

Give him time to adjust. All of the reason for hating it are normal for anyone who move to a different country. I can't see any reason I did not face when I move form a place to another.

Fucks sake

Educate yourself