DS hating UK uni and feeling guilty for encouraging him to go

[Dailyster]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really worried tonight and would love some perspective from people who have been through this. DS (18) has just started university in the UK and he is already saying he hates it. We lived in the UK until he was 3, then moved back to Russia. DH is British (from the South) and we always spoke English at home, so DS has grown up bilingual. When it came to applying for uni we really encouraged him to go back to the UK as we thought it would give him more opportunities, improve his career prospects and give him a chance to experience life in the country where he was born.

He was excited during the whole application process, worked hard on his A levels here and on his UCAS application, got a great offer and was thrilled when he got it. We visited in the spring and it all seemed perfect.

But now he is two weeks in and he sounds completely miserable. Every time we speak he just sounds flat and sad. He says his flatmates are friendly enough but he struggles to join in with them. They go out drinking and clubbing most nights and he is not really into that. He has gone out a couple of times but said he just felt awkward and left early.

He also says the accents are very hard to follow. He is in the North and although his English is good, he grew up hearing southern English from DH and his family and the northern accents plus slang are sometimes too fast for him. He feels embarrassed asking people to repeat themselves and just smiles along even when he does not fully understand. He told me that a couple of his flatmates sometimes laugh when he says certain words slightly differently and imitate him in a “jokey” way, which is making him feel self-conscious about speaking at all. He said he knows they do not mean to be cruel but it makes him want to stay in his room even more.

Academically he is finding it a shock too. The course is more theoretical than he expected, with long lectures and reading lists, and he said he struggles to keep up because he is translating things in his head all the time. He has joined a couple of societies but said he feels awkward turning up on his own and that everyone seems to already know each other.

He has already started saying he wants to come home and apply to a uni here next year. I have told him that it is normal to feel out of place at the start and that he should at least give it until Christmas before deciding. But I am starting to wonder if I am just making him suffer because I think it is “good for him” to stick it out. I feel so guilty because I really encouraged this whole idea and told him how amazing it would be. Now I am not sure if I have set him up for a horrible experience.

Has anyone had a DC who hated it at first but then found their feet later on? Or has anyone let their DC leave and come home? I want him to be happy but I also do not want him to miss out on what could be a great experience if he can just get through this first difficult term. Any advice or similar experiences would be very welcome.

It is early days and as shown here lots struggle to adjust. Hopefully he will be fine but keep a close eye on him.

My DS dropped out of university 3 years ago after 2 weeks. He told his sister he wasn’t coping, came home for the weekend and was in such a bad state mentally it was unthinkable he could go back and the whole thing triggered severe depression that sadly doesn’t respond to drugs and he isn’t much better 3 years down the line and no closer to being able to think about going back or working.

That’s obviously extreme and DS has ASD that was undiagnosed at that point but just keep a close eye on him.

Another here to say ignore the Russia-haters. Most of us can distinguish between a government and the individuals from the country.

Actually, his experience is pretty common. My daughter is very sociable and a domestic student at uni in a city that she loved from first sight. She still really struggled for the first six weeks and talked about giving it till Christmas. By Christmas, she loved it and was very settled and happy.

It’s easy to imagine that everyone else is friends and finding it easy but they really won’t be. A lot of people will be putting on a brave face.

As a previous poster said, it is quite reasonable for your son to ask his flatmates not to tease him for his accent. As regards understanding the local accent, that will come with time. I grew up in the Midlands and live in the south and I still have to listen harder when I’m in the north-east or Scotland to start with while I get used to the accent there.

In terms of social opportunities, there are still students starting to learn Russian at university. It is a beautiful and very rich language and I myself was a student of Russian ab initio at university centuries ago and had an amazing year out in Saint Petersburg. Hopefully, the university your son is at is one of the universities that offers Russian, in which case there may well be students of Russian who would be very glad for the opportunity to practice their Russian with him and that would give him an opportunity for connection.

There will also be societies and other groups that do quieter types of socialising and activities and they might well be easier for your son to break into.

I could be reading this wrong, but it sounds a bit as if you’re speaking to him every evening. Actually, it may help to to speak a bit less often because the connection with home will continue to feel very fresh and keep being renewed every evening. When I was living in Russia, the only way we could communicate was by letters and the occasional phone call booked through the local post office. Really I think that helped because my focus and that of my fellow students was on settling into life in Russia. I’m obviously not suggesting that you simply stop speaking to him or refuse to take his calls but maybe if he is the one making the daily calls you could encourage him to cause slightly less often and reorientate his focus.

Please grow up and take off your blinkers.

The definition of racism in case you have forgotten is as follows:

prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism by an individual, community, or institution against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular racial or ethnic group

Op hasn’t said that her son is unhappy for any reason relating to the war in Ukraine and other students’ reaction to that. Intelligent eighteen year olds obviously understand better than you that a young student starting out at uni is not responsible for the actions of Putin. For that matter, why would it occur to any reasonable person that that would be the case?

This is great advice!

Firstly, can I say how sorry I am to read of your son's difficulties in his first term, and also say that he is not alone in finding himself overwhelmed by his situation. I'm one of the admins for a very active parent group on Facebook (Parents of Current & Prospective University Students in the UK - approx. 25k members, other groups are available) and can honestly say that this is not an uncommon situation in the initial few weeks when students are finding their feet and have a lot to contend with. Being away from home, their family and friends, and finding themselves on unfamiliar territory with people who are not 'their tribe' is a recurrent theme, as is unexpected course content. Please do join a group, as advice shared by other parents in the same situation or similar and the opportunity to discuss possible solutions can be incredibly helpful. There should also be a wellbeing team at the university who you can contact - with your son's permission - who may also be able to offer advice on settling in during those initial few weeks.

He needs to give it longer. My DD absolutely hated her first term at uni, I lost count of the number of middle of the night teary phone calls I had from her begging to leave. I persuaded her to give it until Xmas if she could bear it. After Xmas she decided she would go back and see how it was. This was after a teary Xmas. By February she was totally settled and loving it. She’s now in her second year and has never been happier in her life. I’m really pleased I pushed her for that bit longer, if she had left at the start she would have missed out on so much,

Honestly OP the way your son is feeling is so normal and most students will be feeling the same. I really wouldn’t encourage him to come home just yet

I was same / similar situation to your son back in the day. Slightly different set of circumstances to your son but I was from a working class background and went to a posh uni, so the experience of 'everyone knows each other' and feeling from a different world does resonate. I knew within weeks it wasn't for me, and I wasn't going to find my people there.

If he's joined societies etc he's doing the right things but maybe it's not for him.

My parents made me stay until the end of the year so I could do a transfer and start second year at a different university, as we just couldn't afford an extra year of uni as a family which would have been required if I'd dropped out halfway thereby forfeiting that years' fees.

It was an utterly miserable year but in retrospect I learned a lot. The academic challenge made me hone skills which have served me well in the following decades, and the lack of a social life allowed me to devote myself more to my studies. I finished my degree at another uni and had a much happier time, then went into the world of work and had the happiest time of all. For many uni isn't a highlight but a means to an end.

So in summary I'd ask him to finish a year (or a semester) and at least focus on his grades. I can only imagine how hard learning in a second language is but that is absolutely something which will get much easier with practice and give him an ease and fluency which will benefit him forever.

Hi OP! Fellow Russian who went to UK uni (and has been here ever since). 👋🏻

Any reason you chose the North rather than London? I don't think he would have the same problems with his accent in London as the cohort is so international (plus there are MANY Russian-speakers 😂). I think it would be madness to give up on a UK uni education to go back to Russia the way things are. He either needs to give it more time or look at transferring to a London uni.

You need to separate different things going on:

• academics - the university learning is very different from school one, especially from a typical Russian school/University. In fact, you are not supposed to get the lecture after hearing it for the first time. The ratio is usually 1 lecture (in effect guidance what to study) plus 5 hours of independent studies through textbooks just to really get it. This is normal not ti understand a lecture straight away; if one does, then they chose a wrong university for their abilities.

• being an international student. It is tough, especially in the universities where there are not that many international students. Might be worth exploring Eastern European societies around. Does he want to stay in the UK afterwards? Is he familiar with youth British culture? I bet it is quite different from a Russian one.

• normal homesickness due to starting a new university.place.

Very good point - there is a thriving Russian ex-pat community in London and he'd likely find more active Russian-language societies etc. Maybe an inter-UK move could be an option.

Wow the one hour lecture for 5 hours reading - I really wish someone had explained it to me like that back in the day! I felt so thick in my first year!

NB that's pretty much what I ended up doing but I thought I was catching up because I was stupid.

@Bumblebee72 the Russian people didn't vote for Putin (unlike the Americans and Trump). He's a dictator. The Russian people are victims too.

My DH came to the UK nearly 20 years ago speaking Russian and started off in Leeds. He was very much like your DS: his English was pretty good, yet he couldn't understand a word people were saying and they were not particularly geared up for foreign accents. His social life didn't get off the ground until he moved to Bristol, where he could finally relax knowing he could speak without people saying "Eh? What?" By the time I met him there, his English was so good that I often forgot it wasn't his first language.

We had a mutual friend from Leeds, and DH once asked me to answer a call from him because he wouldn't be able to understand it! I thought he was joking, but took the call and to my surprise I found it hard to follow, too -- very fast talking!

Not sure what to advise, OP, I do feel for your DS. It is true that it takes a while to settle in to such a new environment, but the odds do seem to be stacked against him.

Socially, he could make a joke of his predicament (as DH did) and play it as Niko from GTA, lured to New York by false promises and appalled by his new surroundings:

But ultimately, this might not be the best place for him. It is worth agreeing on a timespan to see what changes, and then rethink if necessary.

Best of luck with this OP 💗

It took my daughter until Christmas to settle in her first year. She's now in her last year and loves it, it just takes time I wouldn't let him throw in the towel just yet :)

Another message to say how difficult both the culture shock, being young and going to Uni is!
I would tell him to keep doing his best with the course but ultimately not to worry about the academics too much. Speak to the tutors, use this year to consolidate his English and get used to university life. The slides from lectures might be available online, he could ask to record lectures as well-possibly get an tutor to go over them with him once a week. Even if his academic results are not the greatest this year, it will help whatever he decides to do next year.
But rather than go home and waste a year, ‘waste the year’ by trying to enjoy life in the UK.
Good luck.

Were you born yesterday? The 'massive majority' is a farce - no one believes it - the election was rigged. Dictators always report massive majorities. There is no free press in Russia.

Kid has gone to uni in the UK, presumably to avoid the draft so we can assume he's not out killing Ukranians.

You may also have noticed people who protest against Putin in Russia get dead very quickly. I'm not so sure you would take such risks. I know I wouldn't. I'd probably... I dunno... send my kids abroad or something? In that situation?

My main tips for socialising (as the slightly geeky international student I was) are:

• Join the international student society (no one knows anyone and everyone wants to make friends)
• Join the board game society (wasn't really into boardgames, but you get automatically grouped with a few people and if the conversation doesn't flow you just play the game)
• If the course isn't working for him give it a few weeks and then see if it's possible to change his course, a lot of unis will allow this

But most of all, it takes time. It's overwhelming to move abroad, live on your own, build a new social network. Give it at least till Christmas. He'll learn lots from this, even if he doesn't continue his studies here. Don't see it as a wasted year.

I am pretty certain that many many students are feeling the same as him right now and putting a brave face on things. He needs to give it a term, it's too soon to decide if this is right for him or not.

My old flatmate at uni came from France and couldn't speak a single word of English when she arrived, sat there with a book and translated what she needed to say. But the language didn't stop her one bit, she was so bubbly! She went to English lessons on top of her course and was fluent and dreaming in English within the year and she loved learning the idioms and slang - by the way, I went to uni in Edinburgh so there's an accent for you.

We also had Danish and Norwegian students in the hall opposite, so we'd play word games as they all said it helped, and bonded over that. We also had a Belgian girl in my halls (6 rooms per apartment) and she never really fitted in. She was nice enough but wasn't really interested in the rest of us, perhaps we were intimidating, we always invited her to join, but I think it's just down to personalities.

He just needs to find his people and they may not be the ones he is in student halls with. International student clubs is a great idea made by others, they can get together, talk and swap notes how it is to be the UK! I just hope he gives it a bit longer before he decides because it could turn out to be one of the best experiences of his life.

Yep. We have family still living in Russia. They all hate Putin and what he's been doing in Ukraine of course, no one believes what they hear on the Russian news, try to read foreign press only, but when you're living in a KGB/FSB-controlled state it's not easy to stand up and do something meaningful about it and it's bloody dangerous!

Plenty of good advice already (ignoring the derailers). I work at a northern university and our lectures are recorded, slides are online too.

I was a homesick international student in the UK, several decades ago. I felt similarly lost and suffered from culture shock despite thinking I had a good understanding of British culture from having read and studied a lot growing up. It was particularly difficult to socialise and make friends when it seemed all my fellow freshers were getting horrendously drunk and/or high. I found the accents and colloquialisms hard to follow, and in return some people couldn't understand mine. And back then, in the infancy of the WWW, I couldn't just call or message my parents/friends back home for support. I can't remember when I eventually really settled in, but somehow it happened - made amazing friends from all over the world, enjoyed my degree so much and ended up staying.

I'd say your son needs to stick it out for at least a couple of terms not least because the first few weeks are nothing like the rest of the time, even for UK students - everybody is acting like they're not themselves, when they're freshers, I see it every year. He could try joining a couple of less rowdy clubs and (painful and embarrassing though it may seem) converse regularly with British students/lecturers, even if just small talk - that's how to get your ear in.

Sorry I know this isn’t the point of your post but how on earth is he not at risk of conscription?

I know someone like this who grew up abroad and who I met at uni in UK.

He struggled so much with sharing a common language, but not a sense of humour / cultural reference base, etc. Not realising when joking/pisstaking was normally friendly, or just mean.

What helped was finding groups with a shared interest, climbing or sport or something, and also other internationals. There’s specific support for international students, lots of them are housed together and have extra social events or local visits, et cetera. People from all over the world will be complaining about British students’ drinking culture and sense of humour together. Your DS might miss out on being offered this kind of support if enrolled as a standard UK student, but it should still be accessible.

Also buy your son a book so he can start to understand his identity as a third culture kid. It’s possible he will have the same issues elsewhere.

edited to add: talk to him about longer term goals. Is living in the UK/ getting UK work placements relevant to his career plans? Help him focus on the big picture, not just his social life.

British boy born in the UK raised in Russia. Its all in her OP.

I’m from the UK but even I struggled in my first year of uni. You are placed in a flat with people you don’t know and don’t necessarily have anything in common with. I got on with my flatmates but we were very different and they went out drinking and taking drugs.

I decided that wasn’t for me and joined a uni sports club. I went on my own. I know he says they will already know each other but I can guarantee they don’t. And even so, by being part of something they have a mutual interest in, he will make friends. I met by best friends at the club, moved in with them the following year and then even met my future husband through that.

It will take time but with only 2 weeks in he still has plenty of time to make friends. If he is happy to then he needs to stick it out with the sports/societies. By my second year of uni I was much happier and settled.

However, if he is really unhappy (depressed) then let him come home. He can think through what he really wants and then apply to a different uni in the UK or in his country of residence. Uni doesn’t always work out for people and that’s ok.

Many people don't make best friends of their flatmates; they find their friends elsewhere. It is a shame they are being less than thoughtful, though. I do think joining a society where you are actively doing something is a good idea eg hiking/sport/film etc. One of my friend's DS was utterly miserable for the first term, and she was all ready for him to come back home at Christmas. He is now starting his second year.

Definitely contact Student Services. You can do it on his behalf if you need to. They are used to all sorts of situations, and may well be able to help.
Does he like the course he is on? it is always possible to switch to something else if he is finding it isn't what he likes, especially in the first term. He can go and talk to his tutor if he is finding some aspects of his course difficult; it is better to do this sooner rather than later.
It must be very difficult when you are so far away.