DS hating UK uni and feeling guilty for encouraging him to go

[Dailyster]

Hi everyone,

I am feeling really worried tonight and would love some perspective from people who have been through this. DS (18) has just started university in the UK and he is already saying he hates it. We lived in the UK until he was 3, then moved back to Russia. DH is British (from the South) and we always spoke English at home, so DS has grown up bilingual. When it came to applying for uni we really encouraged him to go back to the UK as we thought it would give him more opportunities, improve his career prospects and give him a chance to experience life in the country where he was born.

He was excited during the whole application process, worked hard on his A levels here and on his UCAS application, got a great offer and was thrilled when he got it. We visited in the spring and it all seemed perfect.

But now he is two weeks in and he sounds completely miserable. Every time we speak he just sounds flat and sad. He says his flatmates are friendly enough but he struggles to join in with them. They go out drinking and clubbing most nights and he is not really into that. He has gone out a couple of times but said he just felt awkward and left early.

He also says the accents are very hard to follow. He is in the North and although his English is good, he grew up hearing southern English from DH and his family and the northern accents plus slang are sometimes too fast for him. He feels embarrassed asking people to repeat themselves and just smiles along even when he does not fully understand. He told me that a couple of his flatmates sometimes laugh when he says certain words slightly differently and imitate him in a “jokey” way, which is making him feel self-conscious about speaking at all. He said he knows they do not mean to be cruel but it makes him want to stay in his room even more.

Academically he is finding it a shock too. The course is more theoretical than he expected, with long lectures and reading lists, and he said he struggles to keep up because he is translating things in his head all the time. He has joined a couple of societies but said he feels awkward turning up on his own and that everyone seems to already know each other.

He has already started saying he wants to come home and apply to a uni here next year. I have told him that it is normal to feel out of place at the start and that he should at least give it until Christmas before deciding. But I am starting to wonder if I am just making him suffer because I think it is “good for him” to stick it out. I feel so guilty because I really encouraged this whole idea and told him how amazing it would be. Now I am not sure if I have set him up for a horrible experience.

Has anyone had a DC who hated it at first but then found their feet later on? Or has anyone let their DC leave and come home? I want him to be happy but I also do not want him to miss out on what could be a great experience if he can just get through this first difficult term. Any advice or similar experiences would be very welcome.

Yes. It’s an open discussion. You replied to my post that was directed at @BoredZelda. As I mentioned above. Which was followed by you denying that you had done that. I am simply pointing out that you did!

The teasing about his accent was not nasty, more like they repeat words back in a funny voice and laugh.

Well, I suppose you’d have to have been there, but that sounds quite nasty to me… No wonder he’s feeling uncomfortable.

Personally I never found my people, I did economics in the 1970’s but it’s become very maths heavy nowadays and I preferred the more narrative approach of A level.

I would seriously think about supporting him to reapply elsewhere.

My husband’s from Yorkshire and my son now lives there, but I’m sorry to say people there are a bit parochial. Maybe London would have been better?

I think he should also consider reapplying to a London uni (although they’ll all be hugely competitive for economics but being an international applicant will help - they need the fees). There’ll be a bigger Russian speaking cohort plus lots of other cultural opportunities to mix outside of uni.

He’s not just moving to uni, he’s moved countries and sounds very isolated. It’s not the right place for him by the sound of it and I wouldn’t give it much longer as it sounds like his mental health is being affected. He may also feel the burden of your expectations and the financial commitment to make it work. It’s a lot of pressure.

This is really tricky.

I would agree with you on the benefits of exposure to a foreign system. It’s just really difficult to know when the right time is. I think only you as his parents would know him well enough to know whether he’s got what it takes to pus through, or whether he’d be better off coming home and trying again eg for a Masters programme. I do think there are downsides to coming home, too: at this age he might consider himself as having failed, which isn’t a good start to whatever he does next.

I think maybe keep an open dialogue for now. He’s so young for having left home, moved to a new place all alone, entered a new educational culture. It’s a lot. Maybe you need to take every two or three days and just keep a moving target on what might be best?

Has he immersed himself in UK TV shows and radio? This will all help him with the speed and the accents. He can stick the subtitles on if it helps. The advise in a non native language is to try to think in that language- as I'm sure you're aware -easier said than done though, but that might make the difference. Also he has to ignore the daft comments and just keep communicating accent or not. Very best of luck.

He needs to stick it out until Christmas and then reassess.

Even for students who grew up in the UK, the first term away from home can be daunting.
You are given the impression that you will meet your best friends forever in Freshers week and life will an endless parade of socialising with your new tribe.

But for lots of students, it takes time to find their friends and their support network.

Remember, his flat mates are just people randomly allocated to share a space with him. If you picked three random people out of a street, you might not get with them all either. It doesn't make them representative of the entire student body of the university.

Term has barely started. He won't have built relationships with his course mates yet. Or with other students in any society he joins.
Friendships take time and repetition to build.

I ending making good friends with the students I worked with in a restaurant part time rather than with my flatmates in halls, who were nice enough people but just not ones who I particularly clicked with.

Feeling a bit down and lacking in confidence that this is the right place for them is totally normal for many students at this stage.

Provide support and encourage his resilience.
Don't make it about you and your feelings.

He can't "know" that this isn't the right course for him. He can't "know" that it is the right course for him. But he needs to give it enough time to make an informed choice. It's way to early for that.

Some students in the societies will know each other already, of course. If they are second and third years, they may have been in this society together since the start of the uni.

Part time jobs can be a great way to meet people as a student because the pressure is off socially - you are there to work so you automatically have something to help you bond with other and talk about which then, given you see each regularly, helps build relationships.

Student volunteering groups are also great for the same reason - if you are working together to plan a project like building a pond in a nature reserve, you have something to talk about that can help start building a connection.

Find the line between being supportive but not being a crutch. If he is phoning you to talk extensively every night, that isn't a great sign. You want a close relationship but not a smothering one.

Economics at selective universities in the UK does tend to be quite maths intensive. As a first year, he is likely to have the opportunity to take some elective courses including potentially some outside the department. He should look at some classes in other departments and see it that is of interest.
The university will likely listen closely to any requests to switch courses to a related one - not a guarantee but in most cases, it is better for both parties to facilitate a switch sometimes.

OP, you’re definitely doing the right thing by encouraging him to stick it out for longer. It’s hard, I know, and I hope he settles into student life over here

This.
i was you this time last year op. Also abroad, and Dd at uni in the uk.
She was so unhappy. We said we would stick it out til Christmas and then reassess. I researched all the other options so that we had a plan B.
now she’s in year 2 and flying. Friends, chosen flatmates, involved in societies and loving it. Says she appreciates it all the more because of difficult first semester.
it’s tough for you both, but do give it a chance up to Xmas. Suggest he find international students society, politics, economics or music society, or whatever he’s interested in. It will be up and down, but even just one small social chat a day will help.

My daughter moved away to a university which was culturally very different for her and she struggled for the first few weeks.
The Christian groups were invaluable for her and provided a bit of respite from the Freshers events etc.It's a huge adjustment for them and it takes time.

He can manage the maths but the lectures are quite fast and he says sometimes by the time he has understood one thing the lecturer is already three slides ahead.

It is quite common for lectures to recorded so that students can watch them later at their own pace. Usually with an auto-generated transcript to enhance accessibility.

Some people do adjust with time, but then others can know very quickly when something isn’t for them and there’s little point in prolonging the proverbial agony.

I would advise supporting him rather than trying to convince him one way or the other. It is ultimately his decision.

I hated the whole 3 years of uni, it did not get better, I spent the whole time counting down until I finished. I was 3.5 hours (each way) away from home so at least I had the option to go home for the weekend where as your son doesn’t really have this.

My parents didn’t give me the option to leave and attend a uni closer to home the following year, if I left I’d have no where to live.

I think telling him to stick it out until Christmas is a good idea though as a lot of the time it probably does get better and at least he has an end in sight if he still hates it.

Isn’t it a huge adjustment if he’s done all his schooling & lived mainly in Russia to go to a completely different country at a big enough time of transition & separation as it is? I think that’s a pretty major undertaking & maybe more your dreams for him than his own OP. I would support him wanting to return and study at home - he can travel or work in the UK surely after his studying?

It'll be a huge shock, in a variety of ways.

He really does need to stick it out though, not make a decision on how he is feeling right now. His halls mates will probably be being loud and partying hard/being quiet in a room/barely being there, as their own ways of settling in. It is rare people become really good friends with the people they're initially thrown together with.

Everyone has to find their feet, find their people, throw themselves in there. I'd tell him if he really feels he won't like the course by Christmas, then look at changing courses if at all possible - however the only way to get up to speed, listening and learning in English IS to do it in English.

He should also be able to go and ask for support if he is struggling to keep up due to the language issue, he isn't totally left to sink or swim, but he will be expected to go and ask for help for himself!

Oh you're poor son! Although the Russian aspect changes things and makes it even more tricky to constantly translate, that too is common for someone in another country. My young staff are from Singapore and Nepal and they say the same. But what you describe, the rest, many other people find when they go to uni. And yes, many southerners going up north to uni fund the accents and dialects tough to start with. I mean that in a nice way, in that many of the things he's struggling with are common factors that many struggle with.

However the nastiness makes my blood boil. So could you suggest he moves out of that accommodation. Not all uni students are twats taking the piss out of someone's accent. Moving in with some nice quiet students who aren't out on the lash all the time and even if they are, they don't take the piss out of your accent cause that's just nasty.

Encourage him to go to different activities he will find his people. It appears that everybody knows each other at uni but obviously they don't. He's only a few weeks into freshers and it hasn't calmed down yet. He really needs to give it a good go. I'm hoping that he will eventually be really happy. I'm sure he will be encourage him to change a few things going to speak to the lecture change his house go to a few more activities you know find some really nice people who are a bit quieter. It will all come good if he gives it a chance.

Ask him to stick it out till Christmas. And alternatively just let him know talk about the fact that if he ever does decide to quit there's no shame and you will sort everything out and welcome him back home so that he knows it is always an option. Children need to know it is always an option.

Could you suggest to him that he gets in touch with student support services as it does sound like he’s overwhelmed.

Can he reach out to other Russians? I don't know what the support network is like at his uni, is is Leeds or York? But speaking to fellow Ruskies will help. Here we have polish and Russian shops, cafes and old men playing chess!

It's also not too late to consider transfer unis, say to a London one? it's a faff, but if you are gonna do it best to do it ASAP.

Christmas will feel like forever away to him - suggest he tries until reading week in November, and joins an international students' society.

The language can be a massive issue - I studied (a vocational subject to retrain) in my second language (which I spoke well but hadn't learnt formally). I have an MSc. which I studied for in English, but the qualification I took in my second language (equivalent to a Bachelors/ undergrad degree) was so much more challenging than the MSc. purely because of the language. Everything took so much longer, quite apart from the frustration of expressing everything clearly, fluently and persuasively in writing.

Some people fly in multiple languages but for others it doesn't come as naturally.

Also he's probably never socialised with age peers in English - this can be a really big part of feeling alien - a lit of bilingual young people have only spoken English to their parents and siblings, so although they speak excellent English, they speak the middle aged and slightly dated English of adults who left their native country 15+ years ago. Unfortunately or otherwise, crappy social media reels can help a little with this 🫣

I feel for you -

TLDR: Tell him to give it a go til reading week (or the beginning of November if they don't have reading week) rather than Christmas, and until then join an international students' society. Do make sure he knows he has coming home as a way out and nobody will blame him! You don't want him feeling too bleak, as it really is much harder for him than a British teen whose always lived in the UK.

I’d also be encouraging him to stick it out until Christmas as so many young people struggle at first. He needs to keep going to the societies as that’s where he will meet people with similar interests. He’s got to get out there and meet people and that can be tough at first, especially when you’re from over seas which can make it harder.

He needs to get our and about. He might not like clubbing and pubs but encourage him to give it a go. And he shouldn't mind his accent, I'm sure a lot of girls will find a foreign accent sexy.
No way will people know each other already, he needs to persevere with societies. The younger British male way of bonding is usually through banter, they take the piss out of others and expect to have it taken out of them, it maybe a cultural difference.Everything will feel strange, but it will get easier if he can stick it out.

I don't have any great advice, just wanted to say that I grew up outside the UK with one British parent, in an English-speaking country (USA) and I still struggle with accents. I know the Scottish accents I grew up with, but I struggle with some English ones - in particular, I was completely confused in Liverpool! I could not understand very much at all. I'm in awe of my Scottish-born-and-raised cousins who cleanly told me when I said "that guy sounds Scottish" that the accent was from Carlisle and not Dumfries - I can't even imagine being able to detect the difference, but they automatically do. Maybe your son feels too much pressure to be British or to have and demonstrate that cultural knowledge, and so doesn't want to say he doesn't understand, whereas if he did say so people might be happy to help/explain?

No trouble with understanding posh southern accents there though.

He is studying economics and really liked the subject at school, but there it is much more maths heavy than he expected. He can manage the maths but the lectures are quite fast and he says sometimes by the time he has understood one thing the lecturer is already three slides ahead.

Does his university have lecture capture so he can rewatch recordings of lectures he’s struggled to keep up with in his own time? You can usually synch the recording to specific slides so he only needs to watch the bits he missed.

The first couple of weeks are hard for lots of kids starting uni. He has to remember he’s comparing his inner feelings to what everyone else is projecting outwardly. He’s told you he laughs along when people tease him about his accent. They probably read him as doing fine. Some of them may also be putting a brave face on things and having similar conversations with their mums.

It’s a big transition which is challenging at every similar juncture in life. Learning to sit with your discomfort, work through it and come out the other side is a really important life skill. I would support him and help him find resources locally to support him, but I wouldn’t be offering an immediate exit. Longer term it will affect his confidence when he faces other challenges.