Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

Your husband needs to have a word with your Mum. Are his siblings still coming to yours or are they now going to your MiL’s?

No, sorry, I don’t think I explained it well in the OP. DH’s siblings were invited to ours along with PIL. MIL wanted to invite her sister and family i.e DH’s aunt and cousins as well.

op, it doesn’t matter how you explain it- your mum needs to be with you- all better in your own home. Talk to your dh and the two of you can find a way to word it so they know since you and your mum need to be together you’ll see them just before or just after Christmas- would love to be there but just won’t work this year unfortunately etc etc x

I’d just reply, ‘Totally understandable. We’ll miss you but given my mums cancer treatment it’s probably for the best. I’m sure we’ll see you over the festive season - are you about on Boxing Day?’

Op perhaps mil is thoughtless or controlling or whatever however ...

It doesn't matter.
DH is free to leave his family and go to mums for Xmas
But you and your mum and children will be doing as planned.
Nothing to discuss

Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

Your mother is having chemo.

He will just have to miss hanging out with his siblings for one year.

Btw leave DH to deal with the "fall out " tell him you don't want to hear it or he exposed to it in anyway with your mum's condition
It's uncouth and low behaviour

And yes spend the money on a super Xmas with mum

I can understand that your mother in law doesn't want her sister & co to be left out and, to her mind, it is easier for her to host as she has the space. However I get that the journey may be difficult for your mum.

Why not ask your parents how they feel about it? They might like the idea, who knows. You can but ask.

Otherwise you host your parents and let your husband go to his family after lunch.

Everyone has to compromise when someone is sick.

Tbh, I think based on your OP MiL thought she was being nice. (Assuming your parents are invited) and she has included everyone

I understand why youre unhappy but I dont think shes done something obviously bad. Id maybe talk to her about why you made the plans you did and see if theres a compromise

Read the OP post again

Can't you do two things in one day ? Or Boxing Day at one and Xmas day with the other. Just say it's too much for tour mum.

Wow!

You have all the empathy (and manners) of a peanut

@Christmasoutlaw sorry but I feel your mum might be too tired to cope with a lot of people on one day. surely your dh would realise this and not expect her to go to his parents.

So you reply on the group chat with, no, we are doing Christmas as planned. We will pop over on Christmas morning to see yous.

You really need to start putting your foot down and growing a back bone and husband needs to tell his mum to get off his back if she gives him grief.

There's so many posts on this site of people not challenging others. I don't get it. I don't even let my own mum call the shots. If we get into a heated discussion about it, so be it.

Depends how selfish you are, really

Does anybody actually have to get upset about this, nearly 3 months off? Can't DH spend it with his family if he wants to? OP will still be with hers, surely, which is what she wants to do? Rarely do I side with a MIL but perhaps she thinks she's taking some of fhe weight off OP? Am I missing something (apologies if so)

I suppose because some of us don't accept that it isn't incredibly rude to do it the way MiL has and because we really feel for the OP and understand what her mother is going through

And I don't understand the lack of empathy

Then mil should have held off on accepting their invitation and weighed up her options rather than blindsiding them by agreeing, then ignoring them and then publicly announcing her own contradictory plans with no notice and expecting them to just follow suit.

"is of equal importance to everyone."

But in this scenario mil is acting as though its more important to her than to anyone else and has instead created a situation where either her dil can't be with her unwell parent or her son can't be with his family.

Op I think you 100% have to focus on your DMum and have Christmas as you planned it at your house, as chilled out as possible.
TBH is possibly better the ILs aren't there. Mum can be completely relaxed, if she wants to wear a beany hat and ditch the wig she can
If she wants to go for a nap upstairs she can. If she eats one mouthful its fine.

Up to DH what he does but you and kids are staying at home.
Have a good Christmas

She didn't explain that thought process (if that's what she had) before her WhatsApp announcement

She just decided to change the plans with no warning

How bloody rude of your DHs family.
They all accepted your invitation and are now choosing to cancel for a better option?

We have two Christmases: one on Christmas Day, and one on boxing day, with each side of the family separate.

You should have the Christmas you want with your family. Your MIL must be very selfish to not understand that under the circumstances, spending time with your own mother and children trumps everything else. MIL could have just gone along with your plans and then hosted her sister and other family the next day or any weekend in December. Or she could at least have asked your husband what he thought about her idea instead of just announcing that she's now hosting.

I'd have your husband tell her plainly that this is what's happening (you're hosting at your house). She can come or she can not come. Let her be upset. She'll get over it.

Wow what a bitch your MIL is, that’s so out of order! It’s not like her sister is spending alone if she has a husband and adult children.

I’ll be honest if my own mother did that, I’d tell her I’m still going to my brothers as planned and would come to yours! Raging on your behalf.

No way!!
Due to her DMs ill health she has organised for her parents to have a relaxing Christmas at her home without any pressure. Her and DH have kindly invited his parents to join them which they happily accepted.

Why would they change that? Yes they could all go to MiL but that would mean her DM having to travel further and be expected to socialise with extra people while probably feeling crap. If I was going through that treatment I would NOT be wanting to make small talk with some people I dont really know.

If her DH wants to see his family I'm would suggest he goes later in the day to see them. There would be no way I would be changing my plan, not for any selfish reason about upsetting MiL but purely for care of my ill DM.

But OP's mum is going through chemo. That is unavoidable.

MIL changing/'suggesting' other plans absolutely is trampling on OP's plans to try to have as peaceful a Christmas as possible. Whether that is the intention or otherwise is beside the point when it is the outcome.