Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

I think you are being very reasonable here and your MIL is either being very controlling because she wants, what she wants or very thoughtless about your Mums well being.

Your husband needs to understand that this Christmas, your Mum takes priority due to her health and its totally reasonable for you to want your family to spend Christmas with your parents.

You invited your MIL and she accepted. It was a good solution. Your MIL then changed her mind without talking to you and yes, she probably would have your Mum at her home too, but she didn't discuss this with you before changing the plans and so you did not have an opportunity to state the obvious. That is that your Mum is perhaps not well enough to travel an hour each way (apologies, but chemo aside, Christmas is a bit away yet and you don't know how successful her treatment will be) so going to MILs is not viable. Nor is it wise to be with a large group of people, it could be too much for her from a health perspective.

The difficulty you have here is your husband. If your husband caves over this then your MIL knows he will always cave and you are not the priority.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and ask him to either decline his Mums alternative invitation for this year (only) on the grounds of your mums health as stated above, or, as someone else has suggested, spend the morning and afternoon at your home with Mum and your family, drop Mum home late afternoon and go to your husbands family for the evening.

When you say young adult children, how old are they and do they have their own families? Asking as if they are young, and usually do Xmas with your MIL, then I’d understand her reluctance at leaving them out. Personally, I would just stick to the original plan- you have invited her, she has declined. You can always pop over on Boxing Day.

I understand why you’re miffed op but kindly, it’s one day, one dinner. Your DH will have to lump it. And if your mum is going through chemo it might be a blessing in disguise (for her) to have a quieter day with fewer people and less stress.

Will your mums chemo be over. Will she be low immunity.

This would be my main concerned and house full of kids and working adults at cams is a hotbed of potential bugs.

I'd say sorry mil but we have chosen to stay at home with your mum and dad and I'd also tell dh you won't mind if he drives over for the evening but you will be at home.

She needs to grow up.

This.
I would take a very dim view of a husband that wouldn't support you during this time.

What have your dh siblings said?

Did they accept the invite to yours?

Have they now declined?

This! I’m also livid on your behalf. Hope you have an amazing Christmas with your mum & your own little family. So heartless of your MIL.

Stick to your own plans. "Oh ok MIL that's a shame, no worries, SIL will you still be coming to ours as planned or going to your mums instead. You're welcome to come round after dinner for a cuppa and to see the kids if you aren't wanting to have dinner with us after all."

Essentially, you haven't changed the plans. You aren't letting her down. You're hosting Christmas, she is invited. She doesn't want to come to yours that's fine. That doesn't change your plans.

What is she supposed to apologise for?

Obviously it’s fine to decline an invitation 3 months ahead. The proper etiquette in that scenario would be to let the hosts know that you won’t be attending (and probably give them the heads up that you will be attempting to poach half their guests).

MIL never declined the invitation, instead she chose to bring it to their attention by announcing that she was offering conflicting plans. She is also putting DH’s siblings in an uncomfortable position as she knows that they have already accepted OP’s invite. She is forcing them to “choose”.

If spending Christmas with her sister is more important than spending Christmas with her children, she should have asked if her sister would be invited before accepting.

shes rude but then so is dh siblings they should have said no mum weve arrange to go and see out brother

Shocking behaviour. Tell hubby you want to stay home with the kids as planned. Then let him deal with mother in law (who I agree is out of order)

I'd see this as a blessing in disguise and hold fast to that. You and the kids and your folks can have a quiet cosy Christmas together, doing whatever best suits your Mum's needs at the time. DH can join, or not, but his family sound like arseholes. Refuse to get drawn into any discussion or drama or nastiness about any of it. I'd expect him to protect all of you from their shite. Red line, divorce papers, full stop. Best wishes to your Mum and all of you 🌷

I did think I’d read that correctly, and it was MIL’s sister that she wanted to come. What about DH siblings who (I assume) accepted your invitation to come…. Have they communicated that they are now not coming?

Definitely stick to your original plan. Enjoy your Christmas with your family. DH can obviously go round and see his parents on the day if he likes, but to be honest, I think under the circumstances and in the spirit of not pandering to your MIL' tantrum power grab, I'd have a lot more respect for him if he stayed with you on the day too. He can see them another day.

I think MIL has a damn nerve taking over, changing arrangements and posting it on group chat without talking it over with you and DH. Extremely thoughtless of her considering your mother is ill. Do what you were going to do and let her get on with it. Even if you did have the room for more people, I'm sure your mum would not want to be with a crowd as she is ill, and you could do without the extra work. You need to put her first. What does your DH think about his mother's interference? 92% think you are not being unreasonable and I think that 8% are being unreasonable in thinking you're being unreasonable!!!

The only thing I would say is maybe see it as a blessing in disguise? I have been having treatment and lots of people = germs and feel battered anyway. Perhaps a nice Christmas with just your mum is no bad idea and (considering) your DH could see his sibs Boxing Day or teatime. It’s just one day.

Maybe you could have a quiet Christmas at yours as planned and DH can go and see his family for a few hours? Hope your mum is ok but when going through chemo I think a very busy environment with a lot of people may not be a good idea.

I would say sorry you can’t make it ours for Christmas, and thank you for offering to come to yours as an alternative to my original plans unfortunately we cannot come to yours as it would be unreasonable to expect my mum to do the required travelling, and she may not want to be exposed to a large amount of people as her immune system may be impaired.

can DH not take the kids for a few hours on Christmas Day as a compromise, or invite them over for Boxing Day?

You made Christmas plans and invited them. They chose to decline. You continue with your plans. Send a sorry you can’t make it. Maybe we can get together between Christmas and new year type message.

To be fair I agree that speaking to them privately first would have been a better way to handle the situation, but maybe she's one of those conflict avoidant people who was afraid that addressing the situation directly would provoke an argument and inviting everyone , including OP's parents to hers instead would be an easier way to handle it.

The problem is that you can’t host everyone so someone misses out. Can’t you parents stay with you and you all travel together?

Terrible that she has hijacked your guests! But actually I think the smaller gathering may well be easier on you and your mum. Get the treats in and enjoy!

Absolutely this.

You’ve no idea how your mum will feel on the day. With my dad he was exhausted, because treatment schedules were moved around for Christmas and he didn’t make it up until late in the afternoon. Despite having been fine on Christmas Eve.
You'll need to be able to play it by ear, and a small lower stress Christmas is probably a really good idea, mil has probably done you a favour.