Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

So is it your MILs daughter and family ie grandkids or her sister and nieces/nephews she wants to invite? She accepted your invite then, when she didn't get her own way with others being invited - to mix with your immunosuppressed mum! - she just decided to change the plans?

You said you're sure she would include your parents (which is inadvisable with your mums chemo) but sounds like she hasnt actually asked them? Just expects you to not be with your ill mum??

I would be furious at that selfishness! And if your husband isnt immediately telling her that you are sticking to original plans and that her rudeness is astounding, then I'd be furious with him too.

If she was going through chemo would she expect to be left out of plans at Christmas?

Its september- get a grip.

Do not go. Do not let her win. If she says anything your husband can just reiterate that you are having Christmas at home and they were invited.

Had DH’s siblings accepted the invitation to spend Christmas at yours too? And what has their response been? Have they said they are going to MIL’s now? If they accepted and have now also ditched you I’d say they are just as bad as MIL - in which case your DH should spend Christmas with you and your folks as agreed.

Don't change your plans OP. Shes behaving like a spoilt child.

My take on it, she's changed the plans because she can't have another 5 people attend. She's changed the whole plans without consultation and just assumes that's what they'll all do.

Oh hello mother in law.
Absolutely not.
As if anyone would just send a message attempting to change plans like that. MIL is completely out of order.

Your MiL is completely out of order.

Not in offering to host a bigger event at hers, but in just announcing the change as if it had all been agreed, without speaking to you and dh about possibly changing what had been agreed.

I would have just replied in the group chat
"MiL name, there seems to be some confusion. I understood you had agreed that you were coming to ours. I'm surprised you haven't spoken to us about the fact you are now no longer coming. However, if that's what you want, I hope you have a nice day and maybe we can see you one of the days between Christmas and New Year ?"

Mil wants her own sister, bro-in-law and their kids to attend so she changed the plans to suit herself.

I too think it sounds like op's own mum isn't invited to mil's for Christmas.

100% this.

I would also post on the family chat - "Oh, that's very kind of you, but as you know when we invited you and FIL to ours for Christmas we are hosting my parents here with our children as my mum is going through chemotherapy and cannot travel far. If you've changed your mind about coming, not a problem. I'm sure we can meet up at another time over the holiday period."

Make it public. Make it clear. But remain polite.

I genuinely don't understand why you would go to your mother in laws instead of hosting your parents when that is what you want to do and your mum is sick. I would just say to MIL thanks bit no thanks, that does not suit us. You invited her, and she has declined. Bow she is inviting you and you can decline.

And frankly if your DH is willing to go to his mum's so he can see his siblings over your sick mother and to avoid emotional blackmail then you have got bigger problems OP.

OP, honestly, when I read your OP I had to spend some time trying to figure out what the problem was. You need to focus on your mum this Christmas, who may not be up for much, and now you don't have to deal with your MIL/DH's family while dealing with this sensitive Christmas for your family, while she gets to spend it with her family. Win, win, surely?

I am afraid I have little empathy with your DH wanting to spend time with his siblings on Christmas day when he could do that any time. I really doubt a woman on here whinging she won't get to see her family at Christmas as her MIL was undergoing chemo would get anything other than very short shrift.

I was thinking this too. Just take care of your mum this Christmas. Your MIL sounds very selfish.

This is terrible behaviour of your MIL.

A quiet Christmas will probably suit your mother better anyway and she should be the priority at the moment.

I would be having a fairly quiet Christmas at home with you, your husband, children and mum. Spend the extra money on some treats for you all.

Of course I feel for the OP and what her mother is going through.

But that isn't her MIL's fault. The Aibu was about seething at her mil.

LOVE IT!! Exactly this!!

Put you and your mum first and makes things as easy and relaxing as possible for you both. Your mum might not feel comfortable being with a lot of people on the day. You are not being at all unreasonable in wanting to put her first and protect your original plan to have Christmas at home.

It's the MIL’’s sister and not her child

In the situation you’ve described, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say thanks for the invite but you’ll have Christmas at home with your mum as originally planned. It’s quite rude of your MIL to have done this (and as an older poster with a DS, I’m normally one to defend MILs!)

Oh, it's SO RUDE when people change plans like this. How infuriating! You have my sympathies. And no thought from MIL as to whether your mum might be dealing with side-effects that she'd rather be in her daughter's home to deal with, where she can comfortably go for a lie-down if need be, and also not have to spend a couple of hours in a car. It's physically and mentally far more relaxing for her to be at yours for Christmas. How very thoughtless of your MIL.

I think you should prioritise the needs of the person who has cancer. As a PP said, maybe your DH can go over there for part of the day, maybe say 4-8pm. And make sure to have your lunch early enough so your DH can spend all of it with you.

Alternatively, he could go over on Boxing Day. Or, another idea, could you host a drop-in buffet on Boxing Day? That way everyone comes to you, and you won't need a table big enough for everyone since people will be sitting around all the living spaces with their plates (including the table). We had some great Boxing Days like this, and people played games etc.

But they don't all just 'have to do'. OP could stick to what she's doing with her mum and fam, and MIL can see to her and DH side 💁

MiL is a narcissist who needs to be the centre of attention hosting everyone at hers. Wanna bet OP had suffered years of passive aggressive actions and remarks from MiL?
If it were me I'd be of two minds: grateful to not have the chaos/prep/clean-up at mine and resentful that MiL put me in a situation to look like the bad guy if I refuse, thus making it awkward all around.
DH needs to step in. He needs to tell his Dmum that plans were set and if she wants to revoke her acceptance of the invite they'll be disappointed, but understand. He needs to stand by his wife/OP.

Of course I wouldn’t go nor would dh. We alternated which family we spend Christmas with every year, because we both have families. If you have always seen both, then sounds like time to start alternating. I’d tell dh that you’re not going and if he went and it turns out to be your mothers last Christmas you don’t promise to ever go to his mum’s for Christmas again. (But you’d need to promise to see his family next Christmas). In his shoes id slam my mum and siblings - ‘well great mum now I won’t see my parents and siblings over Christmas because you’d rather see your sister, good to have your priorities clear and how low my family is on them.’

I’d respond with our plans aren’t changing, if you don’t want to come to ours we will arrange a separate day to see you, have fun. DH is a grown man, if he can’t understand why you need this year in your home with your parents and don’t want to bend to his mothers will then he has a problem that he needs to deal with that dosnt impact you.

Carry on with the Christmas you originally planned. You invited MIL and she accepted. Very rude to then change the plans but she’ll just have to live with you not being there, as you already have plans in place.