Seething at MIL and her Christmas plans

[Christmasoutlaw]

Name changed for this. Invited my parents and DH’s family for Christmas Day dinner. My mum is going through chemo and it’s import for me to spend this Christmas with her and the kids but didn’t want DH’s parents to feel left out. All accepted and all good.

A few days later MIL text DH asking if her sister, her DH and her young adult children were going to be invited to which DH politely said no as we simply don’t have the space to host another 5 adults as it was going to be a squeeze as it was. MIL went quiet for a few days and has now announced on the group chat that Christmas will be held at theirs as they have enough space for everyone and will be hosting.

This is just the latest in a long line of little annoyances but I’m feeling really enraged by this one. Of course we can choose not to go and have a quiet Christmas just with my parents and kids but I know DH will miss hanging out with his siblings not to mention the emotional blackmail he’ll get from his parents for not going.

I know I’m being a bit unreasonable because in fairness, I’m sure MIL would be happy to have my parents as well but they live in the opposite direction to my mum and dad so it would be around an hour drive each way for them and I’m not sure my mum will be up for it.

I’d much rather do our own thing at home and I’m coming round to the idea of spending all the money we save on hosting loads of people on having a fancy Christmas (M&S fanciness) instead but dreading the inevitable fall out when MIL doesn’t get her own way.

Did you not read the bit about her mum going through chemo? What is unreasonable about wanting to look after her this year? And she didn’t call her mil a bitch so that was very unnecessary

What usually happens on Christmas, do ye all normally go to MILs including he sister and her family ?

Of course it's fine to decline an invitation 3 months ahead of the event. Even if it were a wedding it would be fine.

MIL is completely reasonable and free to spend Christmas as suits her/ invite who she pleases, and same with OP.

Yes but you should actually decline it before announcing your new plans.

@CatherinedeBourghthat was uncalled for.

YANBU to be annoyed but in our family we wouldn't even consider going if you've already said you're hosting at yours and if they choose not to come it's their problem.

This Christmas, your mum trumps anything else. She may well he very tired by Christmas, so maybe the smaller gathering is all the better. As PPs have said, tell her you'll be sticking to the original plans. If your DH wants to pop over there in the evening, so be it.
I hope your mum is doing okay.

It would help to know how old the DHs siblings are. And how many of them are there.

Of course she’s done something wrong. She’s hijacked the plans and expected OP to fall in line. No consultation, just a plan announced on WhatsApp. OP says there will be fallout if she doesn’t comply, so MiL clearly doesn’t give a monkeys about OP’s mum. Having been through recent cancer treatment I wouldn’t be happy about attending a big gathering at someone else’s’ home where I wouldn’t feel comfortable about the ongoing side effects of treatment. OP’s mum is still going through it, so she should come first.

This a million times over.

enjoy a relaxed Christmas with your mum either way.

It's not even about not declining a prior invitation before issuing your own, or sabotaging someone else's plans - there's still 3 months to go.

It's the "emotional blackmail" of DH to attend his mum's house, and dealing with the "inevitable fallout when MIL doesn't get her way".

The correct and proper thing in this instance is for MIL to invite whomever she wants to her house; OP and DH to invite whomever they want to their house; DH to realise he shouldn't dump his MIL so that OP can have a jolly at her MIL's house when she wants to be with her own DM; and for everybody to respect everyone else's wishes without throwing any strops. That's the bit that's unacceptable.

My Mum was undergoing chemo over Christmas. It can completely wipe you out and it may work in your favour that it is just you, Dh, your children and your parents. Sadly my Mum did not see another Christmas. Make it the most special that you can.

I truly hope your Dh doesn't spend Christmas day with his family, I think it is important for you to have his support at what is an incredibly difficult time. This is the part I would be emphasising to him, you need him with you as do your children.

Presumably DH’s siblings are still welcome at yours?

In your DH’s position I would be responding to MIL’s group chat announcement, saying “Outlaw and I can’t get to yours for Xmas this year unfortunately, but our original invite still stands. Siblings just let us know if you’d still like to come to ours”

I know? I think we're saying the same thing, although I can't be sure because your reply is anything but clear - and I don't think intended for me anyway. You should probably direct your snark elsewhere

How has she expected OP to fall in line?
MIL asked if her family could be included, OP said no (which is totally fair of OP) so she has made a decision to invite people to hers instead so her sister and family can be included. I really can't see how this is unreasonable?

OP and DH should absolutely prioritise her mum and decline MIL's invite. If DH doesn't want to do this then it's a DH problem, not a MIL problem. If MIL guilt trips him , then she is unreasonable, but until then it's absolutely fair for her to choose the Christmas that best suits her and her nearest and dearest, just as OP has done.

What a selfish woman, presumably she's aware of your mum's illness.

This is where your dh gives his mum a bell and says "mum you're aware that x is very unwell which is why we had organised to host them for Xmas as well as you and dad. If you have now decided to host your own Christmas that's fine, but we won't be able to be there as we will need to be with x. No everyone can't come to yours as x may need to avoid large gatherings by that point and is unlikely to be up to the drive which is why we had made the plans we had made. I also find it quite rude that you had committed to having Christmas with us and have decided to prioritise your sisters family instead after we already told you we couldn't have them. We will now be having a quiet Xmas with x and I don't want any complaining about it. "

If you were invited to a dinner party, would you accept then message the host and demand you bring at least 4 of your family to be hosted as well and when they say no, ignore them for a few days and then without consulting them, announce to everyone that you're now hosting your own dinner party on the same night and they should ditch their original guests so you get to hang out with who YOU want to be there?

You don't see the rudeness in that? I think she has a gall.

Of course she's not being unreasonable, it's utterly ridiculous to suggest that she is. MIL accepted her invitation, then tried to change everybody's plans to suit her. If she was unsure what to do, she should not have accepted the invitation from the OP in the first place. Her DH can choose to go to his mum's if he chooses, but the OP is quite right to want to spend the day with her parents, in these circumstances. It's a shame that the OPs MIL doesn't have enough empathy to understand that.

Aside from any of that, people who guilt-trip and use emotional blackmail to get their own way, are not people I would want to spend time with on any occasion.

What a dreadful piece of work your MIL is! Stay strong @Christmasoutlaw

Why can't people just read the OP properly??

It's MIL's OWN sister that OP cannot accommodate.

MIL and DH siblings were all invited to OPs home - and accepted.

MIL asked for her sister to come, along with her husband and their children - OP's aunt-in-law and cousins-in-law. There isn't room, they said no.

Now, MIL has (without speaking to OP) invited all to hers instead. If OP's husband doesn't go, he now won't get to see his siblings.

OP - stay at yours with your mother. And if you DH siblings have anything about them they will honour their original invitation which was accepted first! MIL can have Christmas with her sister if that is her wish.

it's not comparable at all, because it's not a dinner party- it's Christmas. To do that regarding a dinner party would of course be exceptionally rude because you can have a dinner party any other day of the year,, so to organise one on the same day as someone else's pre-arranged party, would be outrageous. Christmas, however, is completely different because it's something that everybody celebrates on the same day and is of equal importance to everyone. OP has the absolute right to prioritise her mum and she should, but MIL is also fair to think about what she wants for own her Christmas too.

People build far too much on Christmas. Sometimes it's just not possible for families to be together on the day and that's okay. Why turn this into a fight where someone has to win and someone loses? It's Christmas! Stay home with your parents and anyone else who fancies a quiet Christmas, let the ones who want the big family get-together go to MIL's, and be happy for them.

Why can't people just read the OP properly??

why can't you understand that we have read the OP properly, we just have a different opinion on the situation to you?

Definitely stay home with your mum. Probably much better for her to have a smaller family group and not have MIL there as well anyway. I agree with PP that DH siblings are rude to immediately ditch you in favour of MIL - but do they realise that was done without consulting you & DH?

Does your MIL usually host her sister's family along with everyone else? I think that does matter in terms of how unreasonable she's being. If that's the norm it's not wild for her to have assumed that your offer to host this year included the people who have been gathering at her home every year, and then to decide she wasn't going to abandon that tradition when you told her otherwise. Christmas is almost 3 months away so this isn't a last minute cancellation.

Regardless, I think you and your DH should continue on with the plans to do Christmas dinner with your DC and parents if that's what you think needs to be your priority this year. Tell whoever you invited that there's no pressure to join but they're welcome and please let you know by X date. And DH's parents are close enough that there's no reason not to go spend some time at his parents' at some point on the 23-26th, so between the two of you you should figure out a time that works for that and he can liaise with his parents about it. Don't let this be turned into a power struggle that everyone else feels caught in the middle of.