To feel like I prefer one child over another?

[feelinglikeaterriblemama]

i’ve got two kids — DD who’s 3.5 and DS who’s almost 1. They’re both amazing and I know how lucky I am that they’re healthy. But I feel awful admitting that I seem to prefer DD.

She’s always been the “easier” child — slept better as a baby, more settled, and now at her age we can chat, laugh and do fun things together. With DS it just feels harder, even when I compare the same ages. He’s clingier, more unsettled, and I don’t get the same enjoyment from spending time with him. I feel like I light up more when I’m with DD, and then hate myself for it afterwards.

I know it’s widely accepted that mums shouldn’t have favourites, and I would never let it show to either of them. I’ve never told anyone this before, but it’s been eating away at me.

AIBU to feel this way? Is it just a phase that will pass as DS gets older, or do some people really struggle with this long term?

Your DD was probably easier because you didn't also have to split your time with a toddler. I always think of my eldest as being my most chilled baby but that's because I could really focus on him and not have to entertain or tidy up after a toddler.

I find it much easier to parent my teen DD because we share a lot of interests, want to watch and do similar things. My DS is lovely but I have absolutely no common ground with him. I do sit through X with him on occasion but we can't really bond over it as I have no background knowledge. I'm a ft working sp so don't have time to do so. We have a nice relationship but it's not as easy as my DD and I. Dad left years ago so I try to compensate but it's hard.

I have almost the exact ages as yours and mine is the other way around 🤣 I can't stand the toddler tantrums whereas I'm not irritated by baby tears / clinginess at all. I'm really not worried because I doubt the 'preference' will last, it's just the stage they're both at.

@Invisablepanicperhaps partially true but even little, more objective things: DD rarely woke up more than once per night (sometimes not at all) at a year old, whereas DS is still up multiple times. DD was generally content to sit and play, or go along with whatever was happening, while DS needs constant carrying/entertaining and gets frustrated quickly. I know every child is different, but the contrast makes it feel so much harder this time round. It’s not just about juggling a baby alongside a toddler — even on her own DD was just so much easier to manage.

Maybe it’s also that I prefer her age now? She’s chatty, playful, and we can do proper activities together like painting, baking, going to the park, or just having silly conversations. With DS it’s obviously much more limited — he’s still so little, and most of the time it’s feeding, changing, or trying to soothe him. I find the toddler/preschooler stage much more fun and rewarding, which probably makes the difference feel starker.

@ChildrenOfTheQuornglad I’m not the only one who feels this way…

@RhaenysRocksyes that makes sense… you just get on better with some people than others. I think I’d feel less guilty when they’re teenagers because they’ve developed their own personalities and it becomes the dynamics between 2 grown up people. Whereas with a baby… he’s just being a baby

You said it yourself - ones easier. That isn’t about liking, one is easier. Nothing to feel bad about.

I guess so… and you’re right in that I don’t have any negative feeling towards either, with my DD it’s just more enjoyable, fun, I look forward to it.

I have twins ….there is definitely one who is much much easier to like and the other who is hard work and has me questioning a lot of life choices like why I wanted to be a parent in the first place and I often feel terribly guilty and sad about it. Nothing to do with what stages they are at as being twins obviously they are at exactly the same stage and nothing to do with having spent more time with one over the other. It’s 100% personality. I do worry sometimes what it will be like when they are older. I’m a single parent so doing my best (no contact with dad at all)

3 is just a much more fun age then one don't you think? When dd was 1 you had nothing to compare it with. At 3 they have so much more personality.

@redemptionwoesif it’s okay to ask, are they the same gender? And is this a recent feeling or have you felt this way for a good portion of their lives? Good to hear I’m not the only one that feels this way though!

Whenever mine accuse me of having favourites I tell them they seem to be labouring under a misapprehension I like either of them 😂

More seriously, mine are much older now and I’ve definitely gone through phases where one has been easier or more fun to parent, better company etc, whilst his brother has been a pain in the arse and yes at that time I’ve liked one better than the other. I love them both the same and treat them equally. But if one’s being lovely and the other a shit it’s natural to have a preference to one.

@Tess592i absolutely agree it’s a way more fun age… I’m not sure if I’ll always prefer the slightly older, mature age of DD or if by the time DS is 3 it evens out

I agree with this. One of my DC has just always been easier. Cried a lot less, slept more, more content, more easy going, more flexible. For me it was my second child. It is what it is and I don’t feel bad for realising this difference. While I don’t either like or love my easy child more than my demanding child, it’s easier to like the easy child, if you see what I mean.

Even though my mother admits I was a very easy child, she always preferred my sister. It had a profound impact on me as I grew up knowing I was second best. It has taken decades of self care to recover. These threads upset me very much.

I have 8yr old boy/girl twins – they have both frequently gone in and out of phases where I prefer spending time with one or the other. DD as wonderful up to 3yrs old. DS was very hard work. Then DD was a nightmare til 6 and DS was a dream. Now they are about the same and constantly flip flop with being nightmares or angels.

@feelinglikeaterriblemama
no they aren’t the same gender … it’s my boy twin who is incredibly hard work. Very very clingy and needy, big emotions and very physical with a big temper and incredibly obstinate and defiant. He’s always been terribly clingy so I guess I’ve felt this way since that started around a year old. Terrible sleeper too (although the other kids aren’t much better!)
at the same time he is the most loving - would give me his last rolo - constantly wants to buy me flowers (he’s 4!). If he had been an only child or the eldest I 100% don’t think he’d be as bad but the minute his siblings are around his poor behaviour goes from 0 to 100

@MadameCholetsDirtySecretdid you know you were second best from your mum telling you how she felt? From other people telling you? Or from clues you got of preferential treatment towards your sister?

I’d be ashamed personally

I have been struggling with this for the last three months. I definitely love them all the same, but god DD2 is so much more pleasant than DD1. DD2 is nine months and just the easiest baby, whereas DD1 is 3 and for the last couple of months has decided I am the worst person on the planet. She absolutely adores her dad and our DS which makes it even more difficult. Everyday for the last 2 weeks she’s told me she doesn’t love me as much as she loves her dad. She’s such bloody hard work that I’m relieved when she goes off to nursery and I just get to spend time with DD2 without her there. DS is 16 so I barely have to parent him anymore, but I do feel like I had such a better bond with him when he was the same age as DD1.

I have one that’s much easier as well, OP, and I do empathise. I had to work really hard to think about this so I could truly believe that one child was not ‘better’ than the other. Instead of ‘difficult’ I might say ‘emotional’ or ‘has big feeelings’. I think you will fall in love with your second child as well, it just might take longer and you might have to try harder! ‘Lean into’ the little one if you can. I think I tried to push them away as I found it all just too too much and feel endlessly guilty about it. When I leant in a bit more o found I loved them more. Do you have one on one time with your DS? I find that really helped me to feel lovingly towards him and connect with him better

I knew from a very young age - she favoured my sister in everything, was affectionate to her but not me - I felt alone even at primary school. My paternal grandparents were kind and loving which gave me security as a child. I have forgiven her now and have a good relationship but it has taken decades to get to this point.
It really hit home when I had my DC. I love them so much I just couldn’t understand her attitude.

Mine are grown now (A DD and a DS) I thought I had a preference for one over the other when they were young, then that shifted when they were teens and shifted again when they became young adults. To me that proved that the love was the same, it was just how they were at the time that caused the preferences. Don't overthink it.

I don't really like babies (especially if they're "difficult") whereas I think toddlers are great, so in your situation I would absolutely prefer spending time with your DD. But it would be nothing personal to your DS, just the stages they're at and what they need from me as a parent. I find babies hard work, although obviously I've loved both of mine and done my best with them. When they started toddling, it was like the light had dawned and everything became much more enjoyable.

and now at her age we can chat, laugh and do fun things together

This is why! And you’ve known her for longer, so you’ve had more time for that relationship to develop. Give it time for your relationship with your son to grow as he grows and you’ll soon realise just as many fantastic things about him. Don’t worry, though - I think what you describe is perfectly understandable at the ages and stages your children are at.