Page 4 | To feel like I prefer one child over another?

MsCactus · 29/09/2025 21:42

This is a stereotype, but something people seem to say is girls are generally easier kids (they mature faster, even as babies, and outperform boys at school/intellectually until well into secondary school). However, girls have to deal with a lot of hormonal changes at puberty - and many people say their daughters were much harder teens than their sons. So you might find it switches if your son becomes the "easier" teen.

InTheWellBeing · 29/09/2025 21:58

As soon I as saw it was a girl and a boy I knew it would be the boy she liked least!

Ilitetallycantrememberanythinganymore · 29/09/2025 22:03

The usual mumsnet predictable post. Mum prefers daughter to son what a surprise The same mum who will no doubt be complaining that son spends xmas with his in laws and never comes home. Very sad.

SpamBeansAndWaffles · 29/09/2025 22:09

bloodymary2025 · 29/09/2025 04:40

Sounds like he's anxiously attached -ecurrently has anxiety as part of his baseline emotional state. He's looking to you for emotional stability and reassurance /support . But your response is a bit ' off ' ( you say dd lights you up)
So it's what the opposit? He's feeling this. And 'mirroring back' your emotional response by being extra needy.
Bc he's sensing distance from his primary care giver who should be source of reassurance and its 'disregulating' him.

His personality isn't fully formed yet, you can't ' judge' your own child - who is the product of your parenting.

Your dd is likely secure attached- she knows she'd loved, appreciated and thought after. Sounds like your ds isn't so sure.

Edited

This is absolutely spot on.

Whatshesaid96 · 29/09/2025 22:11

I don't have a favourite but I do have a different bond between both of them I don't think I love either more than the other. We went into lock down when DD was about to turn one. We had some fantastic times whilst shielding and she really was the light of my life. We conceived DS during covid, had a traumatic birth with him and then I was diagnosed with cancer when he was six months old. I really struggled with bonding with him and for years I felt like I didn't gel with him. DD and I share some similar interests so we naturally gravitate towards each other. However DS is hilarious now at 4 and I enjoy seeing him grow and devop into a gorgeous little boy.

Its just different.

MummytoE · 29/09/2025 22:15

AnnalynB · 29/09/2025 20:49

This is such a sad thread … these poor children 😞.

Calm down

BoundaryGirl3939 · 29/09/2025 22:40

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 28/09/2025 20:24

Even though my mother admits I was a very easy child, she always preferred my sister. It had a profound impact on me as I grew up knowing I was second best. It has taken decades of self care to recover. These threads upset me very much.

Same thing happened to me. I was the least favourite. For no apparent reason. I was quiet, pleasant, undemanding...but for some reason my mother didn't like me or want to be around me. She adored my brother. I resent her to this day.

At least you're aware of this Op. Thats a positive and something you can work on. Maybe you're tired and the dynamic will change but you need to be aware not to show it.

yeahwhatev · 29/09/2025 22:54

Interesting to hear about the twins. I have boy/girl twins who are teens now and I realised (belatedly as I'm an only child) that there is a dynamic between them as well as with us as their parents and that these ties are all interconnected. Over the years they've taken it in turns to be easy/difficult in different ways and also happy/less happy, dominant/less dominant. I'm not sure why that happens but it switches around. I'm more similar to my son in temperament, while my daughter is quite similar to my husband, and I think she was aware of this when she was little so I really worked hard on spending special time with her and it definitely helped. So I think if you feel yourself thinking this, you can think ok maybe there are reasons for this, but I need to work on it or it will end up effecting my child. I also think it's about bonding - I think bonding with twins can be really tough as you're constantly split between two babies, and feeding is hard etc. So consider that you're maybe having bonding issues with your new baby that could also be a sign of a bit of postnatal depression?

Thepossibility · 29/09/2025 23:23

My eldest and youngest are far, far easier to get on with than my middle DS. I really have to step back and take deep breaths in order to remain calm with him. I love them all but he's always been hard work.

Everyonceinawhile · 29/09/2025 23:31

DramaLlamacchiato · 28/09/2025 20:22

Whenever mine accuse me of having favourites I tell them they seem to be labouring under a misapprehension I like either of them 😂

More seriously, mine are much older now and I’ve definitely gone through phases where one has been easier or more fun to parent, better company etc, whilst his brother has been a pain in the arse and yes at that time I’ve liked one better than the other. I love them both the same and treat them equally. But if one’s being lovely and the other a shit it’s natural to have a preference to one.

Whenever mine accuse me of having favourites I tell them they seem to be labouring under a misapprehension I like either of them 😂

😂😂😂

Everyonceinawhile · 29/09/2025 23:33

MummytoE · 29/09/2025 22:15

Calm down

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Kids can tell…..I certainly could and still can even at the age of 50

RubySquid · 30/09/2025 03:10

AnnalynB · 29/09/2025 20:49

This is such a sad thread … these poor children 😞.

And back in reality do you not get on better with some people than others?
Your children are also people so why any difference?

Nothing " poor" about kids. I'm sure some kids prefer certain siblings to others as well

SpamBeansAndWaffles · 30/09/2025 03:34

RubySquid · 30/09/2025 03:10

And back in reality do you not get on better with some people than others?
Your children are also people so why any difference?

Nothing " poor" about kids. I'm sure some kids prefer certain siblings to others as well

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It's not comparable to other relationships. Parents really shouldn't have favourites unless they really want to fuck up the non favourite child and their lifelong relationship with them.

SiameseBlueEyes · 30/09/2025 03:43

I recall some study which stated that parents favoured (even if they didn't show it) the child who resembled them most and it was a pretty immutable thing. The only thing that might change it was something like the other child successfully overcoming a life threatening illness, drug addiction etc. So mum and dad likely have different favourites.

RubySquid · 30/09/2025 03:49

SpamBeansAndWaffles · 30/09/2025 03:34

It's not comparable to other relationships. Parents really shouldn't have favourites unless they really want to fuck up the non favourite child and their lifelong relationship with them.

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So people can control how they feel? Since when? And how long does it last in that case? What when the kids are adults.?

RubySquid · 30/09/2025 03:52

SiameseBlueEyes · 30/09/2025 03:43

I recall some study which stated that parents favoured (even if they didn't show it) the child who resembled them most and it was a pretty immutable thing. The only thing that might change it was something like the other child successfully overcoming a life threatening illness, drug addiction etc. So mum and dad likely have different favourites.

IrtheThat might make sense. Of grandchildren there's one I feel a natural affinity with as they look like they belong in our family and resemble one of my own kids ( ironically the one they resemble isn't their parent)

And a different GC. has habits that remind me of myself at that age

bozzabollix · 30/09/2025 05:45

I wouldn’t worry at those ages. My daughter nearly broke me at that age, but became very easy later on. You’re sleep deprived which means you’re bound to not feel great towards him, it’s a form of torture. But it’ll pass.

XWKD · 30/09/2025 05:50

You didn't choose to feel this way, so you're not being unreasonable.

Zanatdy · 30/09/2025 05:56

It’s a bit of an unfair comparison isn’t it given one is a young baby and one is a chatty pre-schooler who will be easier and more fun. It’s age related. But perhaps it’s deeper than that for you and you feel like you love one child more. Is it gender related? I have 3 children, all grown up now (youngest 17) and I have a different relationship with them all, but love them the same.

If I based my love on who woke up more at night or cried more as a baby, DS2 would easily be at the bottom of my list. But he was such an easy child, rarely gave me a moments trouble and just graduated from a top uni with a 1st and walked straight into a job. He is the child I worry the least about by a long way. But love isn’t based on who woke up the most, something babies have no control over. It sounds to me like you’re struggling a bit at the moment and projecting that onto your baby. Just be careful those feelings don’t escalate and it becomes obvious in the future as mothers who openly prefer one child to another can damage their child for life, something we see on here a lot.

piscesangel · 30/09/2025 06:01

This was me when mine were younger and it really used to worry me - now that they’re older my experience is that usually one is my ‘favourite’ at any given time but it’s ok because it switches back and forth between them 🤣

Nantescalling · 30/09/2025 08:59

feelinglikeaterriblemama · 28/09/2025 18:47

i’ve got two kids — DD who’s 3.5 and DS who’s almost 1. They’re both amazing and I know how lucky I am that they’re healthy. But I feel awful admitting that I seem to prefer DD.

She’s always been the “easier” child — slept better as a baby, more settled, and now at her age we can chat, laugh and do fun things together. With DS it just feels harder, even when I compare the same ages. He’s clingier, more unsettled, and I don’t get the same enjoyment from spending time with him. I feel like I light up more when I’m with DD, and then hate myself for it afterwards.

I know it’s widely accepted that mums shouldn’t have favourites, and I would never let it show to either of them. I’ve never told anyone this before, but it’s been eating away at me.

AIBU to feel this way? Is it just a phase that will pass as DS gets older, or do some people really struggle with this long term?

I think we all know we aren't supposed to so we say we don't but of course we do. It's just human chemistry and there's no logic to it. It can be the mosy needy one, the brightest one, the most independent one. They aren't the same, why should they be. Of course it's essential they aren't aware of it at any time. If they are then it can cause lots of friction at any stage and you will be guilt tripped forever.

Daftypants · 30/09/2025 09:03

No , you’re not unreasonable.
Your daughter is easier and was an easier baby , that’s why you’re currently thinking this way .

Ohhellnooo · 30/09/2025 09:23

I have an easy child. My middle one, who is almost 12.

She was an easy baby, toddler, she’s always got a smile on her face. She’s just stated year 7 without a care in the world, no issues at all. she’s so easy going and has a sunny outlook, she’s always been that way.

I’ve got a ds, who is 22 and a dd who is 5. They were sent to try me. Both difficult personalities from day dot. I have no doubt that my 5 year old will give me just as much worry as her brother has (and still does), as they are basically twins in personality and looks born 17 years apart.

Those two are just like me. They both look like me and have the same difficult personality that I do, so I only have myself to blame. I don’t know how my middle DD is so sunny!

So while I love them all, my middle dd is bar far the easiest child and life is just more pleasant with her.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 30/09/2025 10:00

blankcanvas3 · 28/09/2025 20:45

I have been struggling with this for the last three months. I definitely love them all the same, but god DD2 is so much more pleasant than DD1. DD2 is nine months and just the easiest baby, whereas DD1 is 3 and for the last couple of months has decided I am the worst person on the planet. She absolutely adores her dad and our DS which makes it even more difficult. Everyday for the last 2 weeks she’s told me she doesn’t love me as much as she loves her dad. She’s such bloody hard work that I’m relieved when she goes off to nursery and I just get to spend time with DD2 without her there. DS is 16 so I barely have to parent him anymore, but I do feel like I had such a better bond with him when he was the same age as DD1.

DD1 maybe feeling threatened in her place by DD2 and that's why she's more difficult for you and if her dad goes to work, then she will be different to him because she doesn't see him as much.

My kids were like this when I worked with me.

My DS is 11 now and DD is 7.
He said that when she was born it was the worst day of his life. They get along better now that they're older and I think if DD had been a DS, maybe it would have been worse as my DS wouldn't be my favourite bestest boy anymore because there would have been two of them.

I know it's hard sometimes but understand that she doesn't really hate you. She didn't truly understand what she's saying and how it can affect people

Mcoco · 30/09/2025 16:10

feelinglikeaterriblemama · 28/09/2025 19:57

@Invisablepanicperhaps partially true but even little, more objective things: DD rarely woke up more than once per night (sometimes not at all) at a year old, whereas DS is still up multiple times. DD was generally content to sit and play, or go along with whatever was happening, while DS needs constant carrying/entertaining and gets frustrated quickly. I know every child is different, but the contrast makes it feel so much harder this time round. It’s not just about juggling a baby alongside a toddler — even on her own DD was just so much easier to manage.

Maybe it’s also that I prefer her age now? She’s chatty, playful, and we can do proper activities together like painting, baking, going to the park, or just having silly conversations. With DS it’s obviously much more limited — he’s still so little, and most of the time it’s feeding, changing, or trying to soothe him. I find the toddler/preschooler stage much more fun and rewarding, which probably makes the difference feel starker.

I have a son and daughter 16 years old and a 22 year old son the eldest. I noticed a huge difference when they were young. Like your son my son needed constant entertainment and was easily bored. My daughter played alone easily and was never bored its a boy thing honestly! As he gets older you will feel differently. My daughter and I do typical girlie things now like lunch theatres ect. My son just makes me laugh and is so affectionate too a real mummy's boy. As others have said your son is only a year old and it is a tricky time. Boys are harder work at that age too. Enjoy this time it's over quickly.