To feel like I prefer one child over another?

[feelinglikeaterriblemama]

i’ve got two kids — DD who’s 3.5 and DS who’s almost 1. They’re both amazing and I know how lucky I am that they’re healthy. But I feel awful admitting that I seem to prefer DD.

She’s always been the “easier” child — slept better as a baby, more settled, and now at her age we can chat, laugh and do fun things together. With DS it just feels harder, even when I compare the same ages. He’s clingier, more unsettled, and I don’t get the same enjoyment from spending time with him. I feel like I light up more when I’m with DD, and then hate myself for it afterwards.

I know it’s widely accepted that mums shouldn’t have favourites, and I would never let it show to either of them. I’ve never told anyone this before, but it’s been eating away at me.

AIBU to feel this way? Is it just a phase that will pass as DS gets older, or do some people really struggle with this long term?

It might be that you prefer chatty 3 year olds to 1 year olds. That's ok.

I have two boys and I have definitely preferred one or other of them over the years, depending on their age, their stage, etc.
DS1 was an easier small child, nightmare teen. DS2 tricky small child, quite a composed and organised teen. They are both fairly annoying a lot of the time, and they have no doubt that I prefer the cat (I don't, but, well, I do)

They can also swap, my eldest was my chilled child, slept, entertained himself and was a delight. Second was an awful sleeper really unsettled and clingy. Now they are 4 and 7 and eldest has ASD and ADHD and we have had a rough few years at school. Youngest has been delightful to hang out with as a preschooler and I’m missing now he is at school as he is such good company. They are both easier and harder than each other in different ways. I certainly enjoyed my eldest as a baby/ early toddler more, my second as a preschooler and I’m sure this will be how it goes throughout time. I wouldn’t worry hopefully as time goes on you will see positives in your other child.

I’m still aware that my sibling was, and still is, the favourite and preferred child. Oddly, my child is the preferred grandchild. I felt better about it when I accepted it.

I think it's brave of you to admit it, I think more parents feel that way than we know.

But it isn't a good situation for either dc, I think you know that. You can work on your bond with your youngest, to build it. More 1:1 time, lots of hugs and eye contact. Bonds aren't set forever, we can do things that change them.

It will most likely be a phase. 17 months between mine and the older one was my fave up until the youngest was around 2 simply because the younger one was a nightmare 🤣🤣 didn’t sleep threw constant tantrums was just a nightmare. Then at some point I began to laugh at the tantrums etc as it was just part of his personality and overnight I liked them both exactly the same and now at 6 and 7 I couldn’t imagine preferring one over the other.

Hopefully this is just a stage/phase thing for you. I can’t say I have experienced it despite having 1 child being a much easier baby/toddler, but I think it’s common. Both DP and I were the less preferred children. DP because he was middle in a blended family of 6 and the younger children were shared. Me because my elder sibling was the much wanted child after infertility and I was a ‘surprise’. It has affected all aspects of our lives and is a cause of deep sadness. Please do whatever you can to change your feelings.

Hahaha. Well that's me told.

Dd 2 was definitely more challenging that dd1 but I didn’t feel this way. I do wonder how it would have been if number 2 was a boy though. I know we aren’t supposed to admit these things but I think I’d have found that much harder but I’m sure later on things change

YANBU and this is never talked about although I see it clearly amongst my friends’ families. I had this issue when my children were younger but let me reassure you that this changes over time and having insight as you have is half the battle. As adults I now have a better relationship with the child who I found more difficult growing up. I also talked to my children honestly about my shortcomings bringing them up. Please don’t feel guilty, this doesn’t make you a bad parent to either child.

Different stages, different preferences :)
don’t worry too much! This too shall pass!😂😂

I have 2 DS’s ages 18 and 25. I don’t have a favourite but there have been times when I’ve found it easier to parent one or the other of them. DS1 was absolutely vile as a teen, the younger one was easier at that point in time. Then DS1 matured into a lovely young man and DS2 was vile. Fortunately they’re both lovely (at the moment) and life feels easier but I’m not holding my breath because they both have ADHD and have had mental health struggles. It could very easily all go tits up tomorrow

You haven't given the little one much time, have you.

It’ll change and change again..
You may find that your daughter’s teenage years are a rollercoaster of stroppiness, emotion and drama but that your son is chilled, affectionate and easygoing.

I’ve got one kid who’s ’harder work’ than the other but I love them equally. I bet you don’t. Don’t be too hard on yourself OP x

Both of my DSs can be both knobheads and sweethearts in different ways and at different times. I definitely don't feel favouristism towards either one of them,but at times one is harder work than the other and vice versa.

One thing I find that really helps though - if I'm finding one DS is particularly grating,I make a point of then setting aside some time with him 1:1 time during that day, even just a bit of Jenga etc. It resets us both I think.

Edited for my poor typing

Wow I could have written this myself OP. I have a 3.5 year old and a 16 month old. My 1 year old is tricker than my eldest ever was - stubborn, pushes/hits, messes up the house, and says No a lot! My eldest has always been such a calm boy, very sensitive and keen to please.

But I really hope it is just an age thing too. When my eldest was 1, I didn't have any comparison but now I have a lovely 3 year old who chats, plays boardgames, enjoys books, crafts and baking. Whereas with my 1 year old I am just trying to stop him destroying things, or eating things he shouldnt, and he has no attention span. I find myself getting far more frustrated with him (especially when I just want to give my eldest a bit of attention but can't take my eye off the youngest). I think its just hard with 2 kids at different stages!

Things change.

I have felt a long time like this about my daughter, now 3 1/2.

She's always been a difficult baby, horrible sleeper, horrible 8 hour long screaming episodes, purple crying.

My son, 5 years old now, was always so much easier. So I preferred him for a long time. Without showing her of course.

Now my daughter is the sweetest little girl, still emotional and difficult at times, but a real delight. Gentle and very caring towards her newborn sister.

So I don't feel the same way as I did before.

This is such a sad thread … these poor children 😞.

Same!

He's only one, give it time xxx

So glad I only had one child!
It makes me feel so bad when I realise my parents have a favourite (my brother) I never wanted my son to feel like that.
My partner had a similar issue with his sister being the favoured. Partly our reason for stopping at one.

Mine are now in their teens and 20s and the favourite changes all the time 😆 sometime one is better company, sometimes one is harder work, you still love them like mad but it’s normal to enjoy the company of one more sometimes… toddlers are one thing… teenagers are another level 😆

Hopefully you're just tired out. One is so young and high needs. I do think you should try to think about the brilliant things about your son.

My kids have taken it in turn to 'need' more from us, sleeping or friendship bother or just need help with school work. But no I genuinely don't have a favourite, even to spend time with. They really are my favourite people.

It obviously upsets you. You sound a loving person. You cant help how you feel. But you are hiding it,so that is what counts. I have 2 very different daughters. One was always hard work but i honestly loved and liked them equally. But maybe iI am lucky .

This.

This is what many do here. Come on here to post and post to get validation to dissolve the real feelings about children/spouses/family/friends. Then you get people giving them scripts to try and “reframe” it like the OP doesn’t know the truth. Vile really.

My youngest was much harder work so for a few years I dreaded spending time with her because it was always so difficult. Hopefully it’s a phase for you as well OP. But if it’s a long term thing and you prefer the company of your eldest, I would ensure I had quality one on one time with both of them. You need to build that bond with your second child and sometimes you also need a break from them. It could be that you have more in common with the second child than you think. I could never stand my dad growing up and over the years it’s dawned on me he shares qualities I have myself that I do not like.