Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I prefer one child over another?

102 replies

feelinglikeaterriblemama · 28/09/2025 18:47

i’ve got two kids — DD who’s 3.5 and DS who’s almost 1. They’re both amazing and I know how lucky I am that they’re healthy. But I feel awful admitting that I seem to prefer DD.

She’s always been the “easier” child — slept better as a baby, more settled, and now at her age we can chat, laugh and do fun things together. With DS it just feels harder, even when I compare the same ages. He’s clingier, more unsettled, and I don’t get the same enjoyment from spending time with him. I feel like I light up more when I’m with DD, and then hate myself for it afterwards.

I know it’s widely accepted that mums shouldn’t have favourites, and I would never let it show to either of them. I’ve never told anyone this before, but it’s been eating away at me.

AIBU to feel this way? Is it just a phase that will pass as DS gets older, or do some people really struggle with this long term?

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 28/09/2025 21:17

I have three older/adult children I love them all to death. But there’s one who is my friend as well as my dd, we are very close and talk/share with each other. I make sure in terms of my time/ attention/support they all are treated equally but I just have a deeper connection with that one.

Ilovegolf · 28/09/2025 21:20

My mother very openly preferred my sister. Oh, she thought she hid it but really? It was entirely obvious and I was aware of it from being about 4 yrs old, it’s one of my first memories.
I have had enough therapy to ensure it no longer bothers me but it really hasn’t worked out very well for my mother, nor my sister, who, having been taught she was “special” went out into the real world and found out that really, she wasn’t. Funnily enough, she has never recovered from that, it still affects her now. It is not a good thing to show to any of your children.

Duckduckagogo · 29/09/2025 02:11

I have heard women announce "Oh everyone has a favourite" to try to assuage their own feelings, it's simply not true. I always loved my children equally and could never choose a favourite, nor did it ever occur to me to be honest.

But we're not all the same, obviously.

You can't help how you feel, but you should never ever say this to anyone in real life and try not to dwell on it.

ForBreezySloth · 29/09/2025 02:58

All parents have a favourite child. It’s funny you think posting about it will dissolve this feeling.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 29/09/2025 03:06

Ha, I still beat myself up over this, and mine are 27 and 25!

One is easier. I love the bones of both of them though. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t feel a bit guilty sometimes; neither would you.

Dogaredabomb · 29/09/2025 03:07

DramaLlamacchiato · 28/09/2025 20:22

Whenever mine accuse me of having favourites I tell them they seem to be labouring under a misapprehension I like either of them 😂

More seriously, mine are much older now and I’ve definitely gone through phases where one has been easier or more fun to parent, better company etc, whilst his brother has been a pain in the arse and yes at that time I’ve liked one better than the other. I love them both the same and treat them equally. But if one’s being lovely and the other a shit it’s natural to have a preference to one.

I completely agree, mine are in their 30s now and I often can't remember why I preferred one slightly more than the other at various stages. It ebbs and flows.

And people are people whatever age they are with different personalities. Would you give them both a kidney? Take a bullet for either of them?

You'll love your ds more when he proposes to you for the first time (generally aged 4 🤣)

Dogaredabomb · 29/09/2025 03:12

CitizenZ · 28/09/2025 20:53

Mine are grown now (A DD and a DS) I thought I had a preference for one over the other when they were young, then that shifted when they were teens and shifted again when they became young adults. To me that proved that the love was the same, it was just how they were at the time that caused the preferences. Don't overthink it.

I agree with this, I could feel differently day to day even (secretly) and depending on who is being more of a pest.

sladtheinkaler · 29/09/2025 04:16

OP I think it is very important that you reframe your thinking here.

If you keep saying a thing, it becomes true. If you keep saying (even just to yourself) that you prefer your daughter to your son, that will become the truth.

How about "My daughter and I had an easier start together, which built a strong bond. Now I have the chance to use my confidence and experience to nurture my son, even though his needs are different."

or

"It makes sense that I feel closer to my daughter right now because she’s 3, with more personality and conversation, while my son is still very little. As he grows and shows more of himself, our bond will deepen."

It is normal to have different relationships with your children, but that's not the same as preferring one over the other. I relate to all three of my children differently. I have to work harder to find common ground with one of them. I do that work because they are the three best humans on the planet and I would walk through fire for them - so putting in a bit of manual effort to grow my relationship with one of them is something I gladly do.

bloodymary2025 · 29/09/2025 04:40

Sounds like he's anxiously attached -ecurrently has anxiety as part of his baseline emotional state. He's looking to you for emotional stability and reassurance /support . But your response is a bit ' off ' ( you say dd lights you up)
So it's what the opposit? He's feeling this. And 'mirroring back' your emotional response by being extra needy.
Bc he's sensing distance from his primary care giver who should be source of reassurance and its 'disregulating' him.

His personality isn't fully formed yet, you can't ' judge' your own child - who is the product of your parenting.

Your dd is likely secure attached- she knows she'd loved, appreciated and thought after. Sounds like your ds isn't so sure.

Rtmhwales · 29/09/2025 05:03

We have 5, both sexes. Child 4 is just a delight in a way that the other 4 aren’t. She’s exceptionally happy, eats everything, and is perpetually happy. Children 2 and 5 are much more high strung and difficult (both sexes) and the other two fall somewhere in between. It’s much easier to be with child 4 but I love them all equally. She’s just easy and a joy to spend time with in a way that the others are less easy (but have their lovely bits, too!).

RubySquid · 29/09/2025 06:44

CitizenZ · 28/09/2025 20:53

Mine are grown now (A DD and a DS) I thought I had a preference for one over the other when they were young, then that shifted when they were teens and shifted again when they became young adults. To me that proved that the love was the same, it was just how they were at the time that caused the preferences. Don't overthink it.

Yes I've Gen had a favourite out of my 3. But it changes regularly and they all get a turn lol. Depends on whopissed me off the least

RubySquid · 29/09/2025 06:46

sladtheinkaler · 29/09/2025 04:16

OP I think it is very important that you reframe your thinking here.

If you keep saying a thing, it becomes true. If you keep saying (even just to yourself) that you prefer your daughter to your son, that will become the truth.

How about "My daughter and I had an easier start together, which built a strong bond. Now I have the chance to use my confidence and experience to nurture my son, even though his needs are different."

or

"It makes sense that I feel closer to my daughter right now because she’s 3, with more personality and conversation, while my son is still very little. As he grows and shows more of himself, our bond will deepen."

It is normal to have different relationships with your children, but that's not the same as preferring one over the other. I relate to all three of my children differently. I have to work harder to find common ground with one of them. I do that work because they are the three best humans on the planet and I would walk through fire for them - so putting in a bit of manual effort to grow my relationship with one of them is something I gladly do.

Sanctimonius crap.

TheaBrandt1 · 29/09/2025 06:54

They are all so tiny and at such different stages there’s no way of doing a fair comparison. A 3 year old is an entirely different proposition to a 1 year old you can’t draw any deep conclusions about anyone’s character by how they when they are one! Dd2 used to occasionally bite people now a glamorous fun and gorgeous 16 year old that’s hard to imagine!

Downplayit · 29/09/2025 07:13

Dont worry..there will definitely come a point when it switches round for a while and you enjoy your son more. Its then that you realise its absolutely not favourites its just different children going through phases.

ParmaVioletTea · 29/09/2025 07:30

and I would never let it show to either of them

If your preference continues, your DS will know. Believe me. To prefer one child because she is “easier” is unfair and unreasonable.

Theroadt · 29/09/2025 07:45

You must MUST police your thoughts on this. Your poor DS.

Theroadt · 29/09/2025 07:52

bloodymary2025 · 29/09/2025 04:40

Sounds like he's anxiously attached -ecurrently has anxiety as part of his baseline emotional state. He's looking to you for emotional stability and reassurance /support . But your response is a bit ' off ' ( you say dd lights you up)
So it's what the opposit? He's feeling this. And 'mirroring back' your emotional response by being extra needy.
Bc he's sensing distance from his primary care giver who should be source of reassurance and its 'disregulating' him.

His personality isn't fully formed yet, you can't ' judge' your own child - who is the product of your parenting.

Your dd is likely secure attached- she knows she'd loved, appreciated and thought after. Sounds like your ds isn't so sure.

Edited

This. Gosh your poor DS, OP.

hoohaal · 29/09/2025 07:52

I felt like this for a few years.

I just bonded better with my youngest even though she was a fucking nightmare.

It started to change when my eldest turned 6 ish and now I love them exactly the same. I just love different things about them.

TravelPanic · 29/09/2025 09:47

its easier to like someone who’s easier to be around. My eldest is my DS and he has a very intense personality. He can be SO fun and entertaining but also the smallest thing can set off a big tantrum and I often feel like I’m walking on egg shells with him. Meanwhile my DD is younger and she’s just very even-keeled. Rarely tantrums and is generally quite predictable.

I have much more highs and lows with my son (either think he’s incredible or makes me question my decision to become a parent). Whereas with DD things tend to just tick along nicely, which I find a lot easier. I’m sure your son’s good bits will come out more and more as he gets older and you’ll have a different favourite day by day, depending on who’s following instructions/ not being in a mood!

my own parents had clear favourites depending on who was better behaved at the time (me when very young, then my sibling in primary, then me in secondary, then sibling in 20s!) Think we’ve finally evened out in our thirties!!

ParmaVioletTea · 29/09/2025 13:03

Theroadt · 29/09/2025 07:45

You must MUST police your thoughts on this. Your poor DS.

Well, I was the child who was not easy. My sister was the "easy" one whom my mother preferred and felt they had a lot in common. It marks you for life. Not in a huge way - I know I was loved, but I also knew my sister was my mother's favourite.

SpackelFrog · 29/09/2025 13:05

All parents have favourites. Good parents don’t show it.

Either that or all my friends are liars 😂

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 29/09/2025 13:12

I love both of my children the same, but I will say one of my children is the "tricky" child yet I feel more of a connection with them. They are more affectionate, open and generous. And vulnerable perhaps, so I feel the need to protect them more. My other child is funny, interesting and a really wonderful friend but I find it harder to feel close to them. They are the same sex.

Everydayimhuffling · 29/09/2025 13:20

One of mine is more difficult, and also had a more difficult situation going on around when they were small. It helped me to acknowledge and also to consciously notice the things I enjoyed about him. That helped the good bits to cancel out the never sleeping, big emotions, very clingy bits.

Now that they're bigger, he's still more difficult in lots of ways, but she's difficult too sometimes and the more loveable parts of him are clearer to me. Make yourself notice the good bits, OP.

JungAtHeart · 29/09/2025 17:56

I have two DDs. 16 & 15. Born 18 months apart. DD1 is really high maintenance and always has been. She was two before she ever slept through the night. DD2 is really laid back and easy going, self soothed and slept through the night from day 1. I’ve never felt the same about them. I love them uniquely not equally. I couldn’t ever compare the way I feel about DD1 to the way I feel about DD2. They’re two entirely different relationships with two very different people. I don’t have a favourite …I love them both to bits but I definitely do not feel the same about them.

secureyourbook · 29/09/2025 18:07

It can change though. My DS was clingy, whinged a lot, hard work as a baby. Then he changed once he was walking and talking and hasn’t given me a moment’s trouble since then (he’s a grown man!)

DD was an easy baby and toddler then got very opinionated at about 4/5 which was hard work! She’s still wilful and opinionated but wonderful (and I don’t think it does girls any harm to be more strong willed!)