To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

[RibenaRibena]

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

OP has a child with what I presume are significant additional needs (he/she is with her full time at home).

MN is always desperate to find a solution.

Sometimes there isn’t a solution, or any possible solution would be the same or worse in terms of misery and stress.

I also think there is a massive difference in being a single parent to one child and a single parent to multiple children. I was a fucking amazing parent to one child. Now he’s at school I’m amazing again to the little one. But both together nearly finish me off.

Oh and ‘tough love’ type posts aren’t helpful and can be harmful in the extreme FYI.

I love the sims. I used to play for hours before I had dc. I might need to download it again once I get my laptop fixed 😅

I am so sorry you feel that way. I must admit being a single parent would certainly not have been my choice but I am aware that life doesn't always go the way you hope and people do frequently end up going it alone. Some manage to make a good fist of it and still have fun but I'm sure there are plenty who feel as you do.

Whatever else, please don't let your child know how unhappy you are, it isn't his or her fault, nobody asks to be born.

Do you not have an interesting job with nice colleagues? I think that is very important, gives an extra dynamic to an otherwise mundane life.

Please do try and develop a bit of a social life for yourself. Not everything costs a lot. Also make sure you look after yourself, eat as healthily as you can and always be presentable. That is good for your self esteem. Charity shops sell some beautiful clothes, you could look great and that would make you feel good. Possibly learn to cut your own hair, there are youtube videos which show you how.

I am wishing yiou all good things because you didn't ask for this and are doing your best. I won't make suggestions about groups, clubs and the school run because I know such things aren't everyone's cup of tea.

This really will not last forever. x

That might have been the most condescending post I’ve ever read on here. And that is saying something.

This could have been me a few years ago.,
My ex left when my son was a couple of weeks old - we rekindled once and I fell pregnant again, and he still didn’t want to support us, so I’ve been doing it alone ever since. He does see them more now fortunately, but when they were babies and toddlers, it could be months between visits. My parents lived locally and didn’t help either so I felt a lot of hurt and resentment. My eldest (likely autistic:ADHD) never slept either so I was so incredibly sleep deprived. It’s so shit because my children have had a mother who was at breaking point and could only sustain them rather then give them what they deserved. Things are much better now but I still find it hard. Being a single parent to one child is very different to two - it’s just double the work. I coped ok with one child.

I feel for you op. I left an abusive marriage when my kids were very small. Additional needs kids here too. I agree, it was easier when they were small in many ways. At least they went to bed early!

Could you arrange to have the odd annual leave day while they are at school?

Carrying all of the worry yourself is so exhausting. And I always found it very lonely when there was a proud mum moment, or they just did something funny. No one to share it with. No one that cares as much as you do.

OP, could your sister help out? You mentioned she has 50/50 care of her own children and goes on lots of holidays so she presumably has free time and money? Even if she just came over in the evening when the kids are in bed / in their rooms for a glass of wine that would give you some adult company?

OP just popping on here for solidarity. Lone parent for 15 years. Whilst I wouldn’t change it as my ex was an abusive arse, I get the seething resentment. 15 years of nothing, no money or support from him.

I focussed on my DD and career and little else for years. I would snatch time like when she was at Stagecoach on a Saturday I would go for a swim,
coffee or just sleep. My DD is also AuDHD.

Is there anything you can do regarding your DC at home? Feels like this is the constraining factor. No special school near that caters?

So sorry to hear you went through that. It is so much harder with 2 especially when one won’t sleep! I hope you at least get some CMS off the useless fucker (I get a small amount off the eldests, nothing off the youngests despite him being a GP 🙃). Glad it’s improved for you and hope you manage to get a little time for yourself.

I suspect my eldest may have ADHD (just turned 4) and I can’t get anything done during the day as they both have to be supervised constantly. It’s gotten easier now he’s started school but my youngests sleep is still horrendous (he’s waiting to have his tonsils removed). I have to take them out of the flat everyday to burn off energy and tire them out.

I have found myself feeling very bitter recently. Dc1 dad goes on holiday for months at a time and dc2 dad is living his best life abroad. He blocked me when I informed him dc2 was in hospital with suspected sepsis!

It is easier in some ways that I don’t have to deal with a nasty fucker but in other ways it’s very isolating. Doesn’t help I can’t return to my previous career (aviation) due to lack of childcare so I’ll most likely be stuck in shitty low paid jobs for the forceable future.

It is bloody hard work. I have four children and their dad left when the youngest was 2yo.

In a society set up for two wages it has been hard financially. Having to work and have all the financial pressure as well as doing all the home stuff, childcare, meals, worrying all alone is soul destroying at times.

It does get easier once they can be left for a while as you can go and grab a child free coffee with a friend. It is hard when they want lifts in the evening but you have other children asleep, for example.

Mine are nearly all grown now. They are 27,25,19 and 16. They still need you but I’m finally seeing the chance to do what I want again. Just need to get the youngest through college and driving.

Op, I’ve not read the whole thread, only your updates to here. This one broke my heart. I’m so sorry. I wish you were my friend so I could bring you some cake and give you a hug and look after the kids so you could have a proper break. I’m so sorry it’s so hard. I really am.

I'm not sure this is a single parent problem more of a society problem.

I wasn't a single parent but I had zero help from anyone. Exhausting and soul destroying at times.

Could this be a bit of the pesky Black Dog at your door?

I recognise that feeling of intense isolation, people laughing you are on the outside.
Is there any commuity centre near you? Can you find one tiny thing you enjoy?

I voted YANBU because I'd find it very hard too. There are similarities and differences between our situations. My partner left me while pregnant and I get no support or CMS, but the difference is my parents give me loads of support and I work full time in a well paid job. Even with that I really struggle with feeling in a rut. It's hard to do anything socially, I use all my childcare favours to work, so I probably only go out with friends without my child every other month. Also I'd love a partner and another child but I have no time or energy for dating. My mum suggested I take up a hobby to meet someone but it's not like I have time for that. I also find socialising with other parents hard as I work so much and my parents do drop off/pick up.

I didn't have sex for over 2 years and I really missed it but I started seeing a single dad in a similar boat but again because of logistical challenges it was only every 2 months we'd get to spend a night together. He did ask if I wanted to move in together but I felt like it would have been convenience for both of us to alleviate the burden of doing it alone and would have taken us away from my parents.

That said I'm generally happy but I'm not often alone and I don't have money troubles, but I am often really tired. If I didn't have my parents around I'd consider getting a live in au pair or working less so I could keep on top of the house and be more involved in the kids activities and socialise that way. My son is still a toddler so I've not been doing it as long, maybe I'll feel more negative after more years.

I'm assuming you have no family around or limited support? Other families I know in this situation hire baby sitters to go out but sounds like money is tight.

You can still go for weekends away with your child if that's what you want to do for your birthday. I was a single parent for a long time and I took my son on weekends away across the UK and Europe quite often

This is really hard for you, OP. It’s not right that you are having to do everything for your children without any support from your ex (who is equally your children’s parent).

i can understand you not wanting him to have contact with the children given his lack of interest. However, I’d be claiming maintenance. You deserve and need the money and men need to support their children. Just because a relationship between adults breaks down, a man doesn’t stop being a father. It’s really disgusting that society expects so little from men in these circumstances

What you describe is really hard, no doubt. I really feel for you, OP. I was wondering if you have tried the Peanut app? There's lots of mums there and certainly lots of single mums, some of them will be in similar situations. You can filter by area and find women in your location who you might connect and start a friendship with. Would you be open to try this?

Good for you. But just because you are, and feel that way, doesn’t mean others can’t be struggling emotionally. These two women are relating to each others experiences and attempting to support each other. You don’t need to step in and beat them back down again. Yes, everyone has their own struggles, but that doesn’t mean people should adopt a stuff upper lip and never have feelings on their own struggles, does it?

Haven't you posted this several times before? I'm sure this story, plus your circumstances and posting style, are very familiar.

@Beeloux mine (ex) is on holiday with his girlfriend at the moment having a lovely time!
I’m fortunate to have met someone nice now but I waited 6 years before even considering dating again. It’s quite an eye opener being with a man who actually provides for his children and wants to spend time with them and isn’t always trying to wriggle out of every obligation.

That's alright though?

I was going to say that many women are so lucky to not have a man around and find some kind of peace with it being just them and their kids.

That said, single parenthood is definitely a challenge. I wonder if there are any organisations you can join where you will make friends and help each other out. Most parents are dependent on networks of support. You can’t do it alone.

I am concerned for OP's children, that she sees them as such a burden. They didn't ask to be born. The earlier thread that she made about her situation makes clear that she was aware that her partner had serious mental health issues, yet continued to have children with him, largely because she enjoyed the small child stage. There is no way that these poor kids don't pick up on how draining their mother finds them.

With what, fresh air?

I am wondering if I’m the only one reading between the lines here. The OP has at least two children. One is at home with her all the time, ergo she doesn’t work. She is living in relative poverty and isolation with at least one child with needs significant enough that they can’t attend mainstream school which means their behaviour is probably a challenge. And people are suggesting fucking weekends away and nights out with your mates?