To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

[RibenaRibena]

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

Totally agree with this. I found the only way to start coping was to start seeing myself in a different way and to make the mundane seem like an opportunity. It sounds glib but even planning a trip to town, making sure I had lippy on and hair done made me feel better. I dragged my two to every free event I could and treated it like my social life!

I had no nights off or holidays until I built a network of other single Mums and even then they were rare but I had to put in the effort to seek out people to help me ( no family here to help). My ex also never saw them really and no financial support- I worked full time.
I spent an over a decade celibate and was tied to the kids all the time (also left in pregnancy, with my second) and I wish I’d felt able to help myself earlier. I know now how traumatised and low I was then and I wish I’d asked for help sooner.

I also second the PP who said make your room your haven; that made a difference to me too.
It is so, so hard and relentless but things can be better. As they get more independent, life will change but changing your own mindset and habits now will help, if you even have the headspace to cope with that.

"FFS quit the self pity."

People that lash out and judge others in this way are typically deeply unhappy.

Yes but when a person gets to a point when they shoot down any suggestions of what would improve their circumstances, and come up with only negative answers, it becomes more of a pathological depression. She sounds like she is incapable of thinking of anything that would improve her life. That is depression.

Her husband left her when she was pregnant with their youngest child and he doesn't see the kids any more or pay any money for them. OP didn't choose to be a single parent.

Is it your first time using the Internet?

The OP (original poster) said a few comments below her first post that her husband left her whilst she was pregnant.

You only have to quick scan the first page to see the extra information.

Whilst I can understand some responders might not always have read every page of a thread, the OP did provide the extra information quite close to the top of the thread, within the first few comments.

So they are 9?

It's really hard. My little one is 3 and I have her most of the time and deal with all of the life admin, appointments, payment for her nursery and pick ups if she's ill. But I'm so much happier now that it's just the two of us.

Are you getting all of the funding that you're entitled to?

Sounds as though you have a good support network. In that case if is easier and more enjoyable than having to put up with a useless bloke.

I was fortunate that I had helpful grandparents on both sides, a full time job which I enjoyed and am independent by nature. It's still frustrating when you are stuck indoors with kids and others manage to get out but I made sure I built up network of ( paid ) babysitters as well.

Also had a boyfriend although not a living together relationship

From the minute I had a child with my DH I realised it would be unbelievably hard to do it on my own. YANBU.

So your ex doesn't work ,and would only see the kids at your house ..which you stopped a couple of years ago ..and he hasn't been in touch since ...the kids must miss him ,and wonder where he is ..hes been in their lives 8 years then gone .
So the situation of him only having them in your home ,was probably all he could cope with.. likely autistic as it's hereditary.
But you could of worked with that ,and extended the time so you were able to leave the kids and dad at your house to get out for a coffee and to do the shopping.
In your shoes ,I would be contacting dad again ..I'd be restarting contact at your house ..I'd be building up slowly to leaving dad and and kids alone for longer times ...and that then becomes your bit of freedom..and the time you can nip out on dates ..you can join dating agencies and have fun chatting with men of an evening with a glass of wine ,and plan your dates out ,when your ex is in your home with the kids ..
It's not ideal ,him being so inflexible..but you need to use him to your advantage..and unless he is violent or abusive,it's better for the DC to have him in their lives .. especially as you have very little family

Hi @RibenaRibena could you let us know what the full range of ages / genders of your children is?

If you have 3 x children of varying ages and genders (one with SEN needs) it may be harder to find things they (and you) can do together, but the ages / sexes info would be useful to those of us trying to help you.

● weekend walks together ?
● bicycle rides ?
● rock climbing / indoor wall climbing ?
● scouts / girl guides
● RAF cadets

Local charities may be able to provide bikes for the 3 x children (I've lived in a few different areas of the UK and am aware of charities / sports centres who offer free bicycles to families in need in at least two local authority areas).

Could you get the children (even the 9 year old) involved in a rota of "Help Mum" tasks and chores?

Just some additional outdoor exercise / walking would help your mental health.

If you find yourself "stuck indoors" at eekends doing chores whilst your kids watch TV / play computer games ....... change the days you do laundry and cleaning (put some of the kids on the rota to help with that) ....... and the reward will be 3 hours extra time on Saturdays to do a "treat" thing out of the house.

It can be absoloutley shit. My youngest still wakes 4 times a night so I haven’t had a full nights sleep in the past 20 months. The longest period of time I have had childfree time is 3 hours. Dc1 dad has him on weekends and is helpful but dc2 dad fucked off abroad when he was a baby and I haven't heard from him since.

The worst is when one of the dc is poorly and needs to go to A&E and you have to scramble to find someone to look after the other. Thankfully my family do help out wherever possible but they all work full time.

I’ve found going to sleep shortly after the dc helps a lot. I tidy up once they both sleep and batch cook at the weekend to make mealtimes easier during the week.

Stop comparing yourself to others.
People might go away, have spa breaks etc but they can also be unhappy in their relationships and depressed.

Others can be single parents and have a
very happy life.

Kindly, you sound quite depressed op. Please get help. You can be happy. But comparing your life to others id never going to feel good. For any of us.

I know you’ve said you’re not depressed but I absolutely think you are. A previous PP said some crap about it not being depression because you don’t have altered brain chemistry?! Whatever the f that was, ignore it. Depression is reactive, life situations can depress us, it’s not necessarily about brain chemistry! You are low in mood, feel trapped and separate from the world, don’t take pleasure in every day life and just want to sleep….. you are depressed because of your relentless and difficult social circumstances. Please go to your GP or look for local support groups.

I'm also a single parent and whilst it absolutely can be tough I dont think it means you can't also have a life. Do you work? Can you build up a community at work? Meet friends on your lunch break? Can you get a babysitter to go out in the evening? Do you have mum/parent friends you can have a cuppa with whilst the children play/hang out? Where is the children's dad? Do you get child maintenance ? Any family support?

You sound depressed.I spent 14 years happily alone bringing up kids on my own, yes there was the odd hard day but nothing I couldn't manage. Had no family or friend support as in kids go overnight or for the day. But I loved it and then once oldest was 14 met someonelse and been married a few years and had more kids and enjoy it now aswell.

It sounds really difficult.

A few practical ideas incase it helps:

Could you try going to your local family hub who can provide a listening ear and someone to talk to? Have you considered asking for a parent carer assessment? Your local council can arrange this and you may be able to get some support/breaks through this? For financial help can you pursue your ex for some maintenance money to assist?

It’s a long hard slog but it actually does get better. I was lucky in that I was able to continue to work as my mum did my childcare, including night shifts. It did mean I couldn’t ask her to have him to go out as that would be taking the utter piss.

He’s 15 now, I’m able to do lots and actually was able to do more from about 12-13 when I was happy for him to be left for a few hours or he was out at friends/clubs. It does get better and I’m happy single.

Go on bumble get a fwb

Others to consider are the Sims where you build houses and make lives for characters or Civilisation 6 where you build empires. There are some interesting ones like puzzle solving which can also be fun. I quite liked Last of Us which is available on PS4 and if you've seen the movie you'll know the story. Yes there's some shooting blood and gore but the story is also good.

I know it's hard OP and you sound completely alone. I found it hard and I wasn't. I hope that sometime soon you get some respite or help because it all sounds bloody tough

Life is tough.
It can be tough for most people in different ways.
A man won't make it necessarily easier for you.
Nor would sitting indoor and gaming.
Could you start a course. Open university ?

In fairness, she would be “sitting indoors” in the evening anyway - why not indulge in something like gaming if it will make her feel better? Starting a course may be too much to take on considering how exhausted she is feeling. I don’t think I could face taking on study if I had full-time care of one of my children, it’s hard enough as a single parent with both my kids in school!

She has mentioned plenty of times what’s happened. Why are you on a thread you can’t even be bothered to read? Just so you can cast judgement?

It’s on the thread title!

Just came on to say that dating in your 40s isn’t awful at all!

I’m mid-40s and have been out with some gorgeous and lovely men (of all ages) in the last couple of years and had an amazing time.

Stay positive, look after your body and in a few more years you will have a whale of a time.

Sorry I can’t offer any help right now, but don’t assume dating in your 40s is awful.

Just remember: a life can look very different in five years.