Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

360 replies

RibenaRibena · 27/09/2025 20:54

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

OP posts:
crayoningthewall · 28/09/2025 09:11

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 09:10

I am concerned for OP's children, that she sees them as such a burden. They didn't ask to be born. The earlier thread that she made about her situation makes clear that she was aware that her partner had serious mental health issues, yet continued to have children with him, largely because she enjoyed the small child stage. There is no way that these poor kids don't pick up on how draining their mother finds them.

Don’t be an arse.

If she really thought that she’d force the one with additional needs into school, wouldn’t she?

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 09:16

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 01:05

They will be able to tell. And studies have shown that the mothers happiness directly affects the child's happiness whether the mum thinks she's hiding it or not. They can tell

Of course they can.

SmallestGnome · 28/09/2025 09:21

crayoningthewall · 28/09/2025 09:10

With what, fresh air?

I am wondering if I’m the only one reading between the lines here. The OP has at least two children. One is at home with her all the time, ergo she doesn’t work. She is living in relative poverty and isolation with at least one child with needs significant enough that they can’t attend mainstream school which means their behaviour is probably a challenge. And people are suggesting fucking weekends away and nights out with your mates?

It's actually not as expensive as you think to go away for a weekend. When I was a single parent I had no job, no support system, and a disabled child. I had no nights off, no friends, his dad was completely out of the picture. If you sit and dwell on all the stuff you don't have instead of trying to work out how you can do something small to make your life better, you're always gonna be miserable. I used to go for weekends away with my son for under £200 and we would do that like twice a year.

OP is bothered that she can't go away for her birthday, so I was giving options.

Baital · 28/09/2025 09:25

FlyingUnicornWings · 28/09/2025 08:53

Good for you. But just because you are, and feel that way, doesn’t mean others can’t be struggling emotionally. These two women are relating to each others experiences and attempting to support each other. You don’t need to step in and beat them back down again. Yes, everyone has their own struggles, but that doesn’t mean people should adopt a stuff upper lip and never have feelings on their own struggles, does it?

I made several supportive posts to the OP initially. But they seem stuck in their mindset. Another symptom of depression, but then you get posters saying 'a pill won't help'.

Well, actually, it might. I say that as someone who found a pill has helped. It didn't fix the fundamental issues, but it enabled me to cope with them.

There isn't an easy or quick 'fix' for being a lone parent. But when you are able to function - even when that is down to a pill - you can start to build relationships. Not the man of your dreams, unless you are incredibly lucky (if he even exists), but friends who will be there for you, practically and/ or emotionally (not everyone is good at both).

And it can enable you to find moments of happiness you wouldn't otherwise have had.

Wowse · 28/09/2025 09:38

So many people missing the mark here. OP having a child with additional needs is relentless even when they are in school so I can imagine things are really tough for you doing it 24 hours a day solo.

Which council area are you in and does your child have an EHCP? Only asking so people can advise of respite services etc.

Sending an unmumsnet like hug as you sound like you need one.

belle40 · 28/09/2025 09:41

Sending you a hug OP. I'm a lone parent and definitely know the groundhog feeling of weekends! I manage it by finding short periods while my child is in activities to do something I enjoy (walking / running). I found a very good babysitter and go to an exercise class once a week. I also compressed my working hours to get one free day a fortnight. Is something like this an option?

I do think that couples like socialising together but I have a couple of female friends who are really keen to get out every few weeks. Do you have any mum friends from school who would be keen to catch up once in a while?

I completely appreciate the financial aspect, it is really tricky juggling everything. I have a bit of manageable debt but it is very frustrating when I know how my child's father lives . We live in a tiny house and I think will be here forever!

Take care.

Pezdeoro41 · 28/09/2025 09:43

I really feel for you, I'm a lone parent too and everything you are saying is completely valid I do have supportive parents at least but nevertheless I have had some really dark times.

I know it is incredibly hard not to but try not to compare yourself to your sister or anyone else, it just doesn't help. And I know what you are saying about other single parents - having 50/50 or another arrangement where you get breaks just seems like a really good deal compared to being on your own 100%! And people don't really understand the mental weight of it all either.

If you are caring for one child full time is there any possibility of respite care, one PP mentioned someone who had got some through their local family hub for challenging twins?

I would try and focus on the future as much as you can, I did want to tell you that I know a number of women dating in their 40s and as much as the apps aren't always great they are actually meeting people and developing relationships, so please don't feel there is no hope there.

I wouldn't completely dismiss anti depressants either, even if it is completely situational, if they made you feel you could cope a bit better in the short term perhaps that is worth a try? You could always stop if it made no difference.

Zempy · 28/09/2025 09:44

I’m sorry you are struggling.

I don’t think all lone parents feel like this though. I certainly didn’t. I was far happier when it was just me and the DC than when their father also lived with us. Like, a hundred times happier.

Are there any small changes you could make that would bring you some joy?

PrincessSakura · 28/09/2025 09:47

Hi OP, do you work or get carers allowance? As you have a child with autism it might be worth looking into a carers assessment and see if you’d be entitled to respite? Also have you heard of family fund? They help families with disabled children and can offer money towards holidays, sensory equipment, furniture etc anything that can help make life easier and give you support as a family.

Sparks654 · 28/09/2025 09:51

The world we live in is extremely isolating and I personally feel that people don't seem to make friends any more. In the past few years (I am mid forties) I have made efforts to suggest things with people but I've found it doesn't really result in friendship. People seem to want to just meet at say a club, and thats it. There's no interest in proper friendship. My friends are ones I made over 10 years ago, and unfortunately they live 2 hours away. It's hard, the only thing I do is I join online clubs and groups and that way I do interact a little with others, but I hear your pain. At least you have kids to keep you company.

PrincessSakura · 28/09/2025 09:55

AliceMaforethought · 28/09/2025 09:10

I am concerned for OP's children, that she sees them as such a burden. They didn't ask to be born. The earlier thread that she made about her situation makes clear that she was aware that her partner had serious mental health issues, yet continued to have children with him, largely because she enjoyed the small child stage. There is no way that these poor kids don't pick up on how draining their mother finds them.

Have you never been burnt out before?
Having a child with additional needs is exhausting and it is hard work to support them all the time, especially if you are doing it alone and having to care for your other children as well, you almost have to split yourself into pieces trying to balance the constant support and supervision needed for one child whilst trying to offer the same to your other children.
I can fully understand why OP feels the way she does, a little empathy goes a long way!

ThisIsALow25 · 28/09/2025 09:59

Homeschooling and parenting a SEN child changes the landscape entirely here, OP. That's exhausting enough for any parent, let alone a lone parent as there is no break. Most lone parents take respite where they can, even those of us working full time get stuff done in our lunch breaks.

People (me included) were suggesting depression because although it's tiring, it's not usual to feel so exhausted.

Are you entitled to any respite care for your SEN child? Could the older ones go to a friends house to give you a break?

TicTac80 · 28/09/2025 10:05

OP, you do sound like you're on your knees. I'm a single parent, but my DC are 12 and 19 (19 today!!), NT and getting more independent. My eldest's dad left me when I was pregnant (went AWOL for 3yrs). I divorced my youngest's dad 5/6yrs back (long story, won't put it here). Neither ex have them at all, and I don't get CM for my youngest (Ex1 used to occasionally send money across). My parents are deceased (but were very supportive when they were with us). My other family are dotted about the country/planet. I have it a lot easier than you as my DC are NT, and attend/attended school FT and without issue. So yes, I understand the hard slog, the mental load, the lack of money (but I do work/am able to work FT which again is a massive bonus), but I don't have the additional responsibilities that you have. I don't go away on girly holidays/weekends away (I couldn't afford to, and I have to keep AL for family things). Our holidays consist of camping (which luckily we all love doing!) or occasional days out. I don't date, and have no interest in it at all.

I think it's a societal thing that needs addressing: i.e. that exes can just fuck off without a "by your leave" and not bother with proper parenting/contact (obvs assuming that they're safe to look after their kids!) or CM. But it's a tale as old as time and not something that can be easily fixed.

My thoughts of things to do/try out (if possible):
-I second/third/fourth the idea of gaming!! I know it sounds nuts but it was something I would do on an evening once DC were asleep (particularly when they were younger). I had a PS2 and loved Drakan and Dark Cloud (fab solo games!). For two player games, I loved Champions of Norrath. This is going back a good few years!!
-I also used to do You Tube/DVD exercise videos (and had a small fold up exercise bike) at home. It was the small things to do for myself, when at home with the DC (or after work/DC bedtime) that made me feel a little better about things and gave me a "me break" of sorts, and small things to look forward to.
-I'd carve out time (in evening) to have a nice bath and read my Kindle. Felt a bit more special than the quick showers I'd normally take. Or I'd make myself a "posh meal" and do cheese and biscuits with fruit in front of a movie/series once the DC were in bed.
-I have friends locally who are amazing, but of course have their own lives and families. For socialising, as I couldn't go out, I'd either have friends over (and we'd do some gaming or watch a movie together) or sometimes we'd go out for walks/picnics with friends (DC would be with me). Or I'd video call mates and we'd discuss books, or do more gaming together etc.
-You'll laugh, but one of my old school mates and I still do this....message/phone/video call each other and then try and meet our respective to-do lists (either around the house or the garden, or with cooking/meal prep): she was medically retired from work and doesn't have a car. She also lives a 2hr drive from me, so it's not possible for me to go see her very often at all. It's a way for us to catch up/keep in contact, vent about our days, and be accountable to each other. It probably sounds really lame to other people but we have a good laugh, put the world to rights, talk about our interests and get our chores done!!

Typically now that the DC are older, I'm having the fun of menopause (peri hit me in my 30's and I'm 45 now) so I'm often too knackered to think about going out much...so I do a lot of the things mentioned above...but I need to get back on to the exercise bike!! I wish you all the best OP, and hope that you can find some small things that will help you x

Slipperhead · 28/09/2025 10:11

I'm always amazed when posters encourage women to go it alone with an unplanned pregnancy.
Parenting is hard enough while shared.
I think single parenting is extremely hard, harder again with little money.
I cannot imagine how challenging it is.

OP, it sounds so lonely and so hard.
The daily relentless grind for a decade.
I am so sorry that you have so little support.
Shame on your mother.
She sounds like a horror.
I can never understand how a parent wouldn't at least give up an evenings babysitting to give a single parent a weekly break.

Solomamma · 28/09/2025 10:11

RibenaRibena · 27/09/2025 22:24

Or exhaustion

I hear you, solo parent to child with additional needs. However I have extended family who support for work purposes, do the odd inset days and a day a week during school hols but begrudgingly support for 'me' time, so I tend to mostly struggle on. Do you work full time, is it an option cutting your hours? Also do you claim PIP or DLA, or whatever it is, if the kids have additional needs? This was recently suggested to me so I'm going to look into. Also could you get respite through social services if the kids have additional needs and you have no other support, I'm sure they'd rather fund that or you fund it through DLA than the whole family unit completely breakdown in a few years because your burnt out?

AMRP · 28/09/2025 10:32

Hi, just a message to say you aren’t alone. I feel it too, and then you feel guilty for feeling this way…. It’s like a cycle you can’t get out of. Sending strength 💗

DrSpongey · 28/09/2025 10:36

I'm not a parent, I'm guy but ny heart and empathy goes out to you. I've been around and lived wirh kids when was I with the ex and can see how much two parents are needed, it's bloody hard enough then! But maybe try and seek enjoyment through your kids, taking pride in seeing them flourish. I know when look after my nephew for just a day how exhausting it can be but obviously not the same as that'a priviledge. But maybe something you should be proud of and take great pleasure and sense of achievement from. It's small wins.

Of course I know that does not change how you feel in terms of your needs as we all fundamentally have those primal needs and it's causes deep tension and frustrated that runs throughout the body that it can be physicsl pain in body. Touch and physical touch is so healing and powerful antidote. We all need it, don't care what anyone says. It just calms you now, the health benefits are widely spoken about. It's feeds soul, mindy ans body, they're all connected. Doesnt have to mean sex but that helps. I know the frustration and difference when not physical touch or having sex, it does help with mood etc. People can say what they want about it but it does help a little as long. Are you able to maybe book in for a massage or something or tantric massage? It might help.

Other than that, what I would say if you can helps, is finding a passion or hobby you can maybe explore that might lead to you meeting others. The important of a hobby or physical exercise cannot be understated. I started the gym and PT two years ago, I've always hated the gym and now I love it. I never speak to someone and work from home but know it resets me mentally and that's is why continued to do it. Not saying it always works or will work for you. But it reinforces consistent pattern. In your situation, I would never find a single parents fb group or something if possible in your area, they can be lifeline for single Mums, you never know might or might lead to something but at least it's something to explore. Life is all about trying right rather than facing the pain of not trying. I'm quite lonely guy and have my own daily battles but as someone is who isn't most confident guy in the world or with big ego, I'm bit hapless and always give things a go even if don't want to and show up for myself for my body and mind. Keeping our bodies active esepcially now as 36 year old is more important than ever. I honestly think exploring just few small things will help at least lift your mood. Not saying it's going to change your life but what is the alternative, continue to stay miserable and time just rapidly eroding. Time is fleeting, I honestly feel like all weeks roll into one. So we really have to make most of it for what we can. If you were close to me, I offer to just have a chat and just listen. I like to try to energise people and lift them up and be silly because it energises me. Life is hard and we all need someone to listen. I would honestly find other single Mums who you can do this, you will have by default and shared experience of the fact there would be relatable grounding.

I find problem is, this individualistic world we're living in right now. I've been reading through all comments on this post as other people's lives do intrigue me and we are social beings after all. We are designed to be that way and this captialist western world is antithesis to that.

We are now seeing the damaging long term harmful effects of individualistic society. It's no wonder we're all lonely. We were warn about this but governments and measures of years of austerity have ruin any sense of community by stripping all fabric of social cohesion and community outreach and clubs etc through lack of investment. It's hardly surprising mental health is rife and it's only going to get worse until it spills over, we end up in civil outrbeak rioting and destroying each other. The protests are just beginning of this as people's fears are played up on more.

I wish you luck, find a hobby, anything that makes you feel better. Action is antithesis to paralysis.

lifeonmars100 · 28/09/2025 10:36

It is really tough, unrelenting and often exhausting. My heart goes out to you OP, and I hope your honesty helps others who are bringing up children on their own. I did the whole thing alone, my child's dad pissed off when our baby was 7 months old and only paid sporadic child support for about three years and then nothing after that. He opted in and out of our child's life seeing them less and less as he then went on to have three other kids with the woman he left me for. I got no money and my child got no time because his new family was his priority. I did my best but it was beyond tough at times, I went hungry, we were cold, we had no holidays for years, I dreaded Christmas due to the pressure and expense, and I was so lonely at times I wanted to cry. Yes, we survived and yes the love I have for my child is like no oher love I have experienced but we did without even the basics at times. It has impacted on almost every aspect of my life making me poorer than my peers who all parented in conventional couples It was years before I could contribute to a pension or save as I needed every penny just to get by. It's bloody hard but I do console myself that it is better than being in a bad or abusive relationship. OP you will get through but it is very far from easy

DrSpongey · 28/09/2025 10:42

The grammar and typos in my last post are horrific lol. This bloody keyboard on this phone and autocorrect. Apologies

MikeRafone · 28/09/2025 10:55

RibenaRibena · 27/09/2025 21:42

No actually it was much better when they were younger despite what people say I found the younger years easier, yeah we will go out to dinner on my birthday but it will be somewhere kid friendly meanwhile people I know go on holiday for their birthdays or weekends away spa breaks etc

I was a single parent and I get you that other people do different things, so you go for a day trip they do Disney for a weekend. Its rubbish looking at what other people have that you don't. Not only that it will make you feel rubbish.

What would make you happy ? how old are your children?

HelenHywater · 28/09/2025 10:58

@RibenaRibena It is tough and I feel for you.

Can you put a claim in for Child Maintenance through the CMS? That might alleviate some of the financial pressures. Your ex shouldn't get away with not paying for his children, even if he's getting away with not parenting them.

Also if you look at Gingerbread they might have a local group for single parents like you - it can sometimes help to talk to others and then you won't feel so alone.

And I suspect the SEN board on here might be more sympathetic - it can so hard parenting children with additional needs because it's so relentless. And doing it on your own is just horrendous.

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 11:00

Wowse · 28/09/2025 09:38

So many people missing the mark here. OP having a child with additional needs is relentless even when they are in school so I can imagine things are really tough for you doing it 24 hours a day solo.

Which council area are you in and does your child have an EHCP? Only asking so people can advise of respite services etc.

Sending an unmumsnet like hug as you sound like you need one.

No, OP is ignoring any helpful advice and suggestions. She's been asked a few times a about council respite for her child and she ignored any poster who offers actual ideas of how to get support.

I am in the exact same same boat as OP, both my children are disabled and I have a terminal Illness......

People know it's relentless that's why their offering all sorts of ways for the OP to get support and she is not interested in looking for any sort of support.... I literally said upthread my local comunity centre does all sorts for SEN children.... one of the volunteers daughters volunteers and is also a babysitter.... but OP wasn't interested?

People know exactly what's going on and are trying to offer support and the OP doesn't want it really, she just wants to feel sorry for herself

Nurseleaver82 · 28/09/2025 11:10

You need a friend to help you have a little review of your situation and help you make a plan. A yr/ two yr plan, because yes it is hard, but you sound as though you are drowning. When you get these little opportunities for breaks don't go home. Go for a walk, get a cheap coffee and sit somewhere, thats the first part. Just being out of the house helps me. My child doesn't have special needs so I can see the end and path to some freedom. Whereas it is different for you, for which i am sorry, your mother not willing to help fine, leave her to it , but her being unwilling is a form of punishment (in my opinion from when she was alone and had no help- and we know not to repeat those mistakes with our own children, so that's a take home for your children). Access these groups, take part in them and see what grows, nothing happens overnight. But a decade is a long time to be alone and struggling. Xx I feel for you xx

Dearodearo · 28/09/2025 11:11

PrincessSakura · 28/09/2025 09:55

Have you never been burnt out before?
Having a child with additional needs is exhausting and it is hard work to support them all the time, especially if you are doing it alone and having to care for your other children as well, you almost have to split yourself into pieces trying to balance the constant support and supervision needed for one child whilst trying to offer the same to your other children.
I can fully understand why OP feels the way she does, a little empathy goes a long way!

Loads of people have empathy for the OP it's clear to see that..... the poster your replying to has empathy and concern for the children.... and I'm not surprised

I'm concerned for those children too. Fair enough mum isnt having a great time..... but imagine how those kids feel living with a depressed adult who wont help themselves?I've been. Nothing but supportive to the OP throughout this thread but she's intent on being miserable. I genuinely feel very sorry for her children. Hopefully she can get out of this mindset and seek support for all of them

Swipe left for the next trending thread