To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

[RibenaRibena]

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

They will be able to tell. And studies have shown that the mothers happiness directly affects the child's happiness whether the mum thinks she's hiding it or not. They can tell

Sending you a big hug😘. Parenting is stressful, parenting on your own is doubly-so.

Is there a 'Gingerbread' group (single parent charity) near you, so you can meet others in a similar situation, who might offer some support? Or 'Home Start' is another one that might offer help and support?

It will get easier - hang in there!💪

sorry to hear about your situation OP, I’m also a lone parent and I understand the struggle, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be having a child at home full-time. I wanted to comment to second the idea someone mentioned about maybe downloading a dating app or two. Once the kids are in bed it’s a great way to pass a bit of time just chatting even if you aren’t looking to pursue anything. Also it might be worth trying bumble bff (the friend version of bumble) to look for a new friend who may be in a similar situation to you and can relate, it’s so validating speaking to people who have experienced the same things.
I also wanted to suggest trying video games if you haven’t already! It can be a great way to escape for a while if you find a game you love and if you play online then it can even be a good way to meet new people that you can chat with, and often there’s no obligation to ever meet them in real life but it’s a good way to socialise when you aren’t able to go out.
I wonder if you could even find some kind of remote work that you could do in the evenings, are you any good at typing? I once did some freelance work for a transcribing company online which was great for a bit of extra money.
all of this to say it really is okay not to be okay and it’s good that you have posted here even if you just feel like you need to vent.

I’m not a gamer I sometimes wish I was as seems a good way to pass time. I don’t like the idea of going on apps I imagine most men will be annoyed when I say I can’t meet up.

But you said 'Failing that just wouldn’t have had children'.

They're here and I really don't understand how you could even suggest you'd rather not have them unless you were depressed.

I was a lone parent to 4. I had a friend who would occasionally babysit for a few hours every few weeks as ex was a nightmare then. She had a husband, children and family support on both sides, so I didn't need to reciprocate. She did it because she was my friend so don't be shy to ask. I went to parent and child clubs to socialise.

You say you have one at home full time, is that due to additional needs? If so, is contacting social services an option for respite? You cannot continue the way you are.

Do you have any proper friends? As I mentioned, I socialised WITH my kids. Developed friendships. That's what you need to try and do. People help each other out no matter their circumstances and it helps you feel less alone.

Well of course I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t have chosen to be a solo mum through choice and I wouldn’t have used a donor so yes If I knew I would be doing it alone from the start I wouldn’t have kids. Solo parenting through choice doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest. Obviously wouldn’t change them now but my if I had my time again I wouldn’t have children.

Absolutely none of my lone parent friends nor me as a lone parent of over 10 years have ever gone away or done a spa for our birthdays, we simply don’t have the spare cash to spend on ourselves and I say that as someone who earns a very decent salary but still has to count the pennies.
Honestly every few days I need to tell myself I’m doing ok at this parenting game in my own, that’s best I aim for

Honestly in my experience none of the men on the apps these days are actually worth meeting up with anymore lol but it has provided me with much entertainment each time I try 😂and even when I’ve had time to meet someone for a date it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. But still sometimes it’s nice to find yourself matching with someone and just having a chat, it’s a confidence booster if nothing else… before the inevitable ghosting happens and you question why you even like men in the first place lol.
bit of a random idea but when I was feeling really down about a year ago because I was always stuck at home I decided to take up painting as a hobby. Got some really cheap supplies from The Works to get me started and followed some Bob Ross tutorials on YouTube after the kids were asleep. It was so therapeutic! Are you artistic at all?

Well we know very different people then my sister is a single parent and has 4 holidays a year! She spent her birthday in Jamaica

Oh OP. We are in very very similar situations but I really do feel sorry for you. Your outlook is so negative and bleak. Please try to find some positives in your life and if you can't, try to make some. Plenty of ideas have been offered upthread

You do sound miserable. It's not a way to live is it. Start helping yourself now or your just going to continue feeling rubbish

There are many many joys in being a single parent, I hope you see your joys soon

My oldest is autistic but never been diagnosed myself or ever mentioned. I may just try gaming it’s got to be better than now might have to dig out my son’s old PlayStation!

Honestly you’d be surprised how satisfying it can be, if you find the right game. What kind of PlayStation does he have?

It’s a PS4 he only plays his Xbox now so wouldn’t mind giving it up

I have never once been on holiday for my birthday. Never been on a girls holiday. Been abroad 4 times in my whole life, and my now older children have been outside the UK twice.

I've no idea how your sister has managed it, but I certainly haven't and it doesn't make me feel bad at all. I can only afford what I can and it doesn't stretch to an annual holiday even in UK. Admittedly I spend a lot on kids clubs, so if I stopped doing that then I probably would be able to.

I think she just has different priorities, holidays are important to her. She has 50/50 with her ex though, even people I know that don’t go on weekends away for their birthday Paris etc it’s more just another year alone that I’m thinking about

Oh so lots of options for games! Personally my favourite game is Skyrim, it’s good if you are a fan of tv shows like Vikings, Game of Thrones etc and the gameplay is great for open world exploring and can really feel like you are getting away from it all. Another great game for exploration is No Man’s Sky (space exploration). Gaming is a nice way to connect with the kids too, sometimes a game of Fortnite or Minecraft with the kids feels a bit more bearable than trying to entertain them with outings or other activities.

Agree with this.
I recognise this sadness the OP is experiencing, had delt with it myself for over a decade since I become a lone parent when DD was 10 months old. It is lonely and isolating and hard to just be positive in that situation all the time. For the 1st few years you feel it is temporary and will find your match, but when it starts to dawn that isn't happening the loneliness creeps in. Even on fun days out you see a happy looking full family and feel you are only half a family. Thought building a career would help, it didn't.

I slipped into a depression a year back, healing now, but it is a totally different feeling to what i felt back then, that was actually feeling a sadness about a situation which wouldn't be a life I would have chosen for myself.

OP I also recognise that life on hold feeling and it really does feel like forever, but your time will come around again. I'm there now with DD 16.

Slowly beginning to create a life for me with my own interests. Not so easy as when I was stuck in the kid stage my friends were all enjoying life, now I have the freedom, they have moved away or are raising young families themselves. I have found classes at the gym help and feel a sense of achievement seeing improvement. Don't know if you work or not, but if not is this something you feel you would benefit from while they are at school?

Thank you I will look at those. The kids are only into Roblox atm which I hate 😣

Thank you, exactly this I didn’t expect to still be alone almost a decade later, I thought I would have met someone by now but that’s impossible and the older I get the more I’m losing hope. I know people will claim I’m still young but I’ve heard how awful dating in your 40s is so I’m under no illusion that it will be easy to meet someone when I am finally able to do so, I didn’t plan or want to live life alone.

My adult child is autistic and has learning difficulties. They are too vulnerable to go out by themselves, so mostly friendships are online. Not that I'm suggesting you should only speak to people online, but it definitely helps. I am at home quite a lot too so also speak to people online more than in person.

Sorry, I don't think you said why you have one child at home all the time? Are they young enough you could sometimes maybe get childcare for a couple of hours even to just go for a coffee with someone?

My first thought, @RibenaRibena, was whether there aren't any other single parents you can buddy up with? Four kids may be twice as much effort as two, but you would understand each other's situation and be able to give each other breaks and adult company.

A group or informal network would be even better than just one 'sister', so there's a range of capabilities and less intensity. Are you out in the middle of nowhere, or could you start finding parent buddies?

Surprisingly, your GP may be able to help with that too, if they're now offering 'social prescribing'. The kids' schools and clubs are another obvious starting point.

Oh one last suggestion before I head off to bed lol - I discovered ASMR videos on YouTube a while ago and they have been so helpful when I have been feeling overwhelmed after a long day. It’s like a simulation of receiving personal attention and it helps me to relax at bed time. It felt a bit weird at first watching them but I think they are so soothing and help my nervous system reset sometimes.

Same boat. I'm 38 now and back on the apps after a failed 1.5 years relationship. Finding it hard, wish I had the time to invest more into it at a younger age. I find a lot of the men of a similar age I am competing with much younger women, and a lot of the men a few years older look a lot older. I know 2 beautiful, successful, childless single ladies similar age who have also struggled to find their match though, so I tell myself that maybe this is the shit luck I would have had anyway.

Exactly who would really choose this life. If I knew I would have broke up with her dad, I wouldn't have chose to be a single mum. I would have probably gone to work abroad for a few years as I was just working in a bar at the time after quitting uni. Wouldn't choose the life I have had, not for me and would hate my daughter to end up in the same boat in the future.

Those diagnosing you with depression must be in much better circumstances, or be able to somehow manage to switch off their adult needs in favour of living through their children. I loved watching her grow and the times we spent together, but still missed those experiences I been missing out on. Read all your posts now and that 1 taking the bins out, totally get that feeling of a lonely prison while others are living their best lives.

You don't need to tell them for them to FEEL it. You cannot have the level of sadness and unhappiness you are living OP without your children soaking that in themselves. You are their role model, their everything, shaping them by example and providing their 'normal'
I know what it is like to struggle as a lone parent, I do. But this is more than everyday struggles and you have to know this. Noone can 'fix' it but you and it's ok if you need help to do so

FFS quit the self pity.

Lots of people (including parents) aren't in a relationship.

Lots of people (including parents) in a relationship aren't happy, and aren't getting spa days on their birthday.

Lots of parents in crap situations are able to find moments of happiness and connection.

One of my closest friends is married with a supportive spouse, and a teenage child with significant learning and physical disabilities, hardly sleeps, and their life revolves around his needs. He will never live independently, they have to tag team around him. He is very much loved.

My life as a lone parent has been tough at times, but nothing on that scale.

I am not on a high income, I don't have means tested benefits but do qualify for various government schemes e.g. insulating our house.

But I am more than capable of booking and affording a spa session for my birthday if I want to.