To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

[RibenaRibena]

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

OP's situation sounds really difficult but actually there's nothing wrong with people suggesting holidays. A caravan at Haven for a weekend out of season is very doable on one income, including for those on benefits, whether you've one or three children. If you get stay and play, evening entertainment is included, some day time activities, including swimming are free. You don't need a massive budget, have your meals in, take packed lunches out, so it's no more than what you'd spend staying at home. I've done it many times over the years for less than £100. I've not done a Sun holiday but I understand you can get them even cheaper. And there are charities that offer free breaks to those in poverty, or for kids with disabilities, young carers, looked after children and so on, but you have to reach out and ask for help. If she wants a holiday it isn't the impossible

He does not declare it and he won’t give any money.

I’m not sure a SAHM reliant only on benefits has a spare £100. I appreciate it isn’t an expensive holiday compared to others but I bet £100 is a lot of money to the OP and probably out of reach

none of the things suggested will fundamentally change OP’s situation. They may offer very very minor and temporary improvement but things will still be fucking horrendous for her so I don’t blame her for thinking what’s the point

Well as I also suggested there are charities who provide breaks for all sorts of people in different circumstances. So having a holiday is still possible for the OP if she wants to reach out and ask for help

I'm in exactly the same situation, if not worse than the OP. I've already addressed upthread that she's right nothing will change for now ... but there are things she can do to help herself feel more positive about the situation.... she complains about getting no time for herself yet won't take onboard questions about respite ect

The feeling of "what's the point" is the point. It's no life to live for the OP and her children and people are offering advice and support that would benefit the family as a whole, I feel sorry for them all.

I know you’re in a horrible situation and have compassion for it, and it’s great you’re able to have a more positive attitude. But telling someone who is clearly struggling, and has give everything for her children by coping on her own for a decade while their dad has abandoned them that you “feel sorry” for her children is really cruel in my opinion

Also people mentioning clubs my daughter requires a 1:1 so she cannot attend clubs, the LA won’t supply a 1:1 as this is only for children who attend a special school in the borough, I simply could not afford to pay for a 1:1 for her to attend a club.

How do you know that it's OP posting on the other thread? This is the only thread with OP's user name. You can't start blaming OP for things that were said on a completely different thread when you have no proof that it is definitely her.

Definetly did not intend to come across as cruel, I feel sorry for the OP too. I also feel sorry for myself and my own children. I feel sorry for the OP because it is a awful situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on anyone

I feel sorry for the children because at one point I was the OP and as much as I told myself my unhappiness didn't affect my children it did. I still feel guilty that I wasn't as present as I could of been because I was so down and depressed - and I understand why I was, it's a very lonely place to be.

I'm just trying to show the OP there are options out there to ease off some of the load and there are so many places that offer tons of different support

Oh, it's her ok.

It’s out of order to link to previous threads under a NC and while I get this isn’t one of those instances it could be really dangerous. It’s just a dickhead thing to do. Don’t do it.

You don’t need telling that it’s cruel to say ‘I feel sorry for your kids.’

People who say that don’t give a shit about children. All they care about is making women feel bad.

If you genuinely cared about the children you’d be starting with the mother.

It sounds like a really difficult and shit situation OP! You sound like you're completely spent. Your ex is bloody vile and sounds like he's a waste of space. I have so much contempt for "fathers" like him, who just piss off and leave their DCs high and dry. They make my blood boil.

I don't have a clue about what help (if any) is available in your area - I know it varies wildly across the board, and often many hoops to jump through. I have many friends whose DC are ND and they have similar struggles. Some use a local family hub (which does days out for kids, along with clubs for kids who are ND and NT). This however doesn't give parents a long break (though I understand that they have taken the kids for a few hours)! I guess you're in a similar situation. For one of my friends, I've offered to help and to watch her younger kids but there are very few who can watch them (friend's youngest needs 1:1 - I believe SS have helped or signposted with that for short breaks - like a half day). Her eldest is good friends with my DD and I've taken her away with us on holidays and days out....but again, that is still leaving her with the younger kids. What is good though, is that she (and my other friends) has supportive mates and family about who do and can help. Do your NT kids get to go on playdates? It's not the same as a break but makes a bit of a change. My DC have mates who are ND (as well as NT) and we'd always happily have them over for playdates (and sleepovers if they were up to it). I wish I could make it easier for her (and you, and others!).

I'm betting you've already looked for all the above, but if you haven't in a while, would it be worth having another search? x

PS I hope that I am using the correct terminology (i.e. when I say ND/NT). I don't mean any offence if I am not, and please someone correct me if I'm not!

Yes, you’re correct. Immediately recognisable.

There's no rule against it, AFAIK. And as you say, it isn't dangerous in this case, or I wouldn't have done it.

MN seem to agree it crossed a line; it’s been removed.

IMO it should be against talk guidelines but it isn’t. But something doesn’t have to be against talk guidelines for you to know it’s just a really unpleasant thing to do.

What is the other thread, can someone link it?

OP I do honestly feel very sorry for you and cant imagine what it's like BUT I do think it's very naive to have children and assume you will always have a partner. I mean anything can happen in life and its been a decade and you still seem stuck in the same place. Lots of people are in your situation and manage to find some joy in life, you seem to be holding on to the fact that eventually you will get to date again but you need to find some happiness and contentment within yourself or that will never workout either.

Do you get out everyday? Do things with your children? Meet up with friends? Exercise? You tick sooooo many boxes for depression and denying it or saying it's all situational or to do with tiredness isnt doing yourself any favours. I used to always say the same thing, "if only my situation was different I'd be fine....." but when life/situation doesnt/isnt going to change then you owe it to yourself and your children to try EVERYTHING. Your children will pick up on your mood and loneliness.

Theres lots of things you can do but one of the main things is to stop comparing your situation to everyone elses and assuming everyone goes on holidays/spa breaks and lives much more happy lives or that dating will bring you anything. Happiness doesnt come from any of that, you could be on a dessert Island and still be completely miserable.

Because it's the small things that can make a difference and sometimes if lucky they can add up to make a real positive difference.. Please don't underestimate having a good hour here or there and how it can lift someones spirits.

Sitting at home with a blank refusal to get any help, no matter how small, in order to even try to make life better smacks of depression. So that's the point.

Sadly we are the ones in charge of our own happiness, our own situations (within reason) and our own mindset to deal the utter crap that life sometimes brings. Nobody else in the OP's life seems to give a rats which is just awful so all that is left is it boils down to her.

I think that's the point people are making though, nothing will fundamentally change her situation. She needs to take positive steps and small changes that she implements to help herself and her children.
Small steps can include many things such as doing 20mins of yoga everyday, getting out for a walk, speaking to a gp etc.
Being miserable and letting the years pass by until she can date again is not going to help her. We cannot change many things in life and no doubt shes been dealt a bad hand but what shes doing now and for the last decade hasnt helped and will be affecting her children.

I used to take y kids on pontins weekends. Often the accomodation was free ad took the food we would've ateat home anyway and they had a reusable cups at entertainment venue that I put water or squash in for them.

Could use the swimming pool see entertainment etc and they were kept occupied. Icould sit and have a drink while they burned off energy . On face one ofthem was so good atthe competitions etc she ept winning us free weekends accomomodation
Still get deals with Sun holidays etc fr weekends away cheay

Hi OP
I know how crushingly lonely and isolating single parenthood is.
Only you doing the parenting. In the mean time, you see friends and family surrounded by partners with support.
You are not alone but it is so important that you take one day at a time.
Step by step x

People who say they feel sorry for children just want to make women feel bad? That's your perception of things, not reality.

I posted lots of ways OP can get support for her and her children and from her replies, it does make me feel sorry for her children ( and her ) that she has such a negative view on life and won't seek support for herself...

She doesn’t want to meet up with you and the kids their cousins ?

Her son is 16 he’s out with his friends on the weekends or at his dads 🤷🏻‍♀️