To wish I’d known how crap and miserable being a lone parent is?

[RibenaRibena]

It’s completely miserable and lonely and I think people kid themselves saying how great it is! I am lonely, miserable, have no money, getting old and feel old beyond my years, no free time to myself ever, haven’t even had sex in a decade! Facing another birthday and Xmas alone, every weekend the same old. I know people say it isn’t forever but it’s a bloody long time.

Im not saying children with extra needs are a trap, but i think the opportunity for alone time is harder and can grind you down. But I also they are a gift. I actually have a friend who finally managed to get a job based on her experience looking after her son, because her experience and knowledge and empathy were invaluable and employers do see that. People do see that and can pick up on that xx

OP, just another thought...

The stuff we see on SM....it can get us on a downer. I see people posting stuff about going out and doing amazing things, and having what look like amazing lives. And it can get us down about our own situations. But comparison is definitely the thief of joy...and we don't see the struggles or problems that they have which aren't posted!! I look at my DB and DSIL (they don't live and post their lives on SM, just the occasional thing), and imagine their life is idyllic 24/7...but I see them often and know that they have struggles too. I look at DSIL as someone who is perfect in every way (and she IS a bloody awesome wonderful lady!): with life, parenting, work etc...but then she will say things about the cool things I do and that she thinks the same of me - which makes me think "WTH, most of the time I'm knackered, winging it and hoping for the best!". We've both chatted loads about this, and decided that we are both just winging things as best we can!!

I don't know your situation and wouldn't presume to...but maybe see about chipping away at doing some small simple things to make you feel better or give you a little bit of me time. Each of those is a little win xx

Could you arrange the odd annual leave day while they are at school?

The OP has at least 3 children, 2 at normal school. One child has additional SEN needs and is home schooled and home printed by the OP.

Therefore the OP @RibenaRibena is not able to work, nor to "take days off".

There are some many people responding who have not read the basic information provided by the OP in page 1 and 2 of the thread.

● the Dad is a deadbeat Dad who does not work (therefore not worth pursuing for child maintenance)
● the Dad is a deadbeat Dad who has not communicated with his children since 2023 so the OP does not want to involve him again - she already knows he will be unreliable and useless
● the OP has no family help from her mother nor sister who are too busy with their own lives
● the OP has multiple children, one of whom has SEN needs and is therefore home schooled
● therefore the OP doesn't work and is a full time carer for the child with additional needs

● the OP is trapped at home being a full time carer to 1 child with additional needs, plus at least 2 other children who attend school and have different needs

● the OP is financially restricted to what she receives in benefits and therefore suggesting holidays and weekend breaks (for 3 children and 1 adult, one child who has special needs) is expensive and ridiculous

OP has also been told her council will help her with respite days for her eldest and they can help with breaks for the whole family. The OP has also been told to look at her local community club as they often offer respite of some sort too

She should be claiming DLA for her SEN child, that helps ease the financial burden but as far as I'm aware she's ignored people asking that too

She was also told about a personal carers budget

The OP has multiple children, at least 3.

2 are in normal school eduction, one has special needs and is home educated by the OP. The OP is full time carer to the child with special needs, plus single parent to all 3 children.

She lives on benefits and is in relative poverty. The benefits only just cover the cost of living, existing, providing food and shelter for herself and 3 children.

A weekend break for 4 people (one with special needs) just is not possible on a benefit income.

It might be possible for a single parent with one child (just about) - but the OP has multiple children.

Exactly. That is even clearer in the OP's previous thread which I linked earlier. She just gives very curt, annoyed sounding answers and doesn't seem to actually want to do anything to help herself. I get she's been dealt a bad hand, but I also think there is some depression there as well. Nothing about her attitude has changed since March. I get second hand depression just reading her words.
I'm very sorry for your situation, by the way. That sounds terrifying and heartbreaking.

Yes there is no denying she has been dealt a bad hand, buts it's on her to change that. She isn't stuck, she can help herself and she can get help off multiple agency's and support groups. Definetly depression, how could their not be, it's a depressing situation to be in

I didn't click the link but I wonder if I commented on that at the time as I have a vague memory of a similar post. I'm going to check in a moment

Thank you it is. But i still keep looking at the positives of things. We have to or you sink don't you. Looking forward and positive is the only thing that keeps me floating

I truly do understand how the OP feels. Probably more than most on this thread, so it's really irritating to see how much she wants to just stay in a pit of no hope... people are offering her ladders and she doesn't want to climb them

It's a sad situation all round. For her and for her children

Focus on what you can change. It does sound a little like you’re wallowing and getting resentful because your life is different to other people’s and that will get you nowhere. Focus on building a life for yourself for the future.

Money is something you have some agency over. What work do you do currently? Can you progress with promotions? If not, retrain in something that has a clear career path to raise earnings fairly quickly.

This will occupy your evenings, give you a sense of purpose so you don’t sit around feeling sad. Then with a realistic plan to improve this you should feel some hope for the future being better. Money will also help to unlock the other issues re. having a break and time to yourself because you’ll be able to afford paid help to go out for the evening/ even overnight occasionally. As children get older they’ll be less dependent on you as well so you will have some more freedom.

Why has your youngest been out of school for 3 years? What is happening to deal with this with the LA? It doesn’t sound like you have chosen to homeschool so this needs sorting out. Speak to SENDIAS, SOSSEN, read the Education Act 1986, the SEND Regulations 2014, make sure you know your children’s rights and take the LA to tribunal to get him/ her allocated an appropriate school. You have to fight them or nothing will happen.

Friends are very important to feel connected still while you improve the situation generally. Even if you can’t go out friends can come over to you for a drink and takeaway or a movie night? Do you have people you can spend time with, with the kids? If not, focus on building some friendships as this is very important.

It is incredibly difficult being a lone parent. PPs are right that those who haven’t done it can’t really imagine how hard it can be. I have been raising my two (both with disabilities) alone for 8 years since one was a few months old and one aged 1 (no family help here either). Work plus lone parenting plus children with disabilities and having to deal with the appalling school system and LA is relentless but things will get better if you take control of things and make a plan for how to make life better for yourself. You’ll feel much happier if you do. Don’t be trapped by thinking life just happens to you: you have choices which can change things.

Lamenting the useless ex or other people’s easier situations or convincing yourself another man would be the solution and the problem is that you can’t date is a very bad idea: you can’t rely on others to improve your life and happiness, you need to focus on building a happy life for yourself and your children. They will know if you are miserable. It’s very hard many days, I know! It is the relentlessness of years and years with never a day off that grinds you down, but it’s not forever and there is always some small moment of happiness to be found in each day if you look. You’ll feel far better if you feel you’re working towards a better life that you have chosen and taking active steps to make it happen even though it takes time.

How?

Have you contacted any support service specifically for single parents? National helplines, England and Wales from Gingerbread, Scotland One Parent Families Scotland. NHS also has something. At the very least it will be someone to talk through the issues, you will get a benefits check to make sure you are getting what you should and there may be local support services and single parent forums done online. You can also be signposted to other charities that can offer support.

It does sound like the OP in that thread and she says her children are 13 12 10 and 7..... all are at great ages for local clubs ect,

Mine are 8 and 10 and there are 2 local free clubs I could send them to twice a week if I wished to do so. Both I could leave them there, I don't have to stay ( we don't go frequently as I am unwell a lot but when I do go I do stay as I can't manage the journey home twice as such ) but if I wanted to I could have 2 evenings a week to myself

Their not usually well advertised but ours have lots of full free days out in the holidays and they always have free holiday clubs that are for 4 hours a day.

She really does need to look at her local community club, they are fantastic.... ours is a deprived area too but they manage to do all sorts of fun things for the kids and they feed them whilst they have them too

A PP mentioned experience with SEN children can lead to job opportunities and I agree with that. Our SEN club asked if I'd like to volenteer as she thought I'd be fantastic at it. I do occasionally but again can't manage a lot.... but a few of the other women who work there also used to be volunteers, but now it's a job

I get it is hard

day after day on own doing it all alone and not having a break due to having one child not at school

not sure what camp I’m in

im a single parent - I kicked dh out last year due to his drinking. He isn’t really much help with dd

he did have her overnight once a week last year , but I had to stop that due to his drinking

but she sees him for a few hours once week so I do get a few hours (3/4) to myself

but I have it police it and breathalyser him before /after to make sure hasn’t drunk

if he does drink he doesn’t see dc for a while

what sen does your child have @RibenaRibena. Can you get mencap or other holiday support so you can have a break

is the one at home the youngest - can they go to school at all ?

what is stopping /additional needs ?

you don’t mention friends - are they any who can either pop round so you have have some adult company

or even have your kids for a few hours so you can have a break

to join any support groups and get our meeting people

I assume you can’t work due to having child at home full time so no work respite

I didn’t expect to be a single parent and it is bloody hard and tiring - I don’t have Alive parents who could help but we also know some parents like yours don’t want to help and yes they don’t have to as they have done their child raising years

but to me what parent can watch their own child struggle and not offer any help or support ?

I agree, there are many things OP could do. However, you can lead a horse to water.....She just seems to want to vent and wallow, which, while understandable, is not very healthy nor very fair on the children. She might claim not to resent them, but I'm not entirely sure I buy that. She is certainly very fixed in her attitude. I am 100% sure that both threads are the same person, both the circumstances and the posting style are identical. The only thing to change is her username.
You sound amazing, I take my hat off to you.

Is there anything creative you have enjoyed in the past or would like to learn? There are a lot of online 15 minute a day free creative courses. You could follow the activity for the day and your children could either join in or practice using the tools. Then if they and you enjoy then it’s something you could look at doing together in a live class, if they outgrow it when they are older you could still attend.
I was listening to an entrepreneur talk and they are a multi billionaire single parent and they were saying that to start with they took their child to all the business / adult side of their life and then socialised them with children later. Not for everyone but are there any areas of your life where you can dictate “we’re doing this” or “we’re going here” even if it is not something you would initially think of as interesting for a child? Your last birthday at Pizza Hut. Was that for them? Where would you have preferred to go?

This.

And the ‘helpful advice’ the OP is ignoring is not relevant.

How is it not relevant to say that she could get help from the local authority?

Which bits are not relevent?

DLA, Personal Carers Budget, Council Respite, Local community centre - Ran/funded by the Council

I’m now a lone parent as my youngest dds dad has completely ignored her for years and my other kids dad no longer has a relationship with them now they’ve turned into adults.

i have no other family support, parents, grandparents, uncle now dead, no siblings, cousins, nothing never had them to start with. One or two friends and that’s it.

its the most loneliest, most hardest job I’ve ever done, EVERYTHING is down to me, and I just really struggle most days.

I Do try and find support in different ways, I go to a well being group every week and a craft group just so I can be with people.

my dd is 15 now, so can be left, although she has had her challenges.

and to the person who said the first 10 years are the hardest, no not necessarily. Parenting teenagers as a lone parent is exhausting, relentless, especially those who are struggling and have additional problems.

I’m exactly the same (also haven’t had sex in a decade!) been a 100% lone parent for 10 years. It is lonely but there are perks to it and it does get easier as they get older

I also don’t get maintenance, have no family support and neither him nor his family have anything to do with DC either; Plus I have no friends. It is unimaginably hard. You lose your identity, people think less of you and try to imply you chose this life to milk the system somehow(!?!?!) and you cannot facilitate any kind of dating or socialising, let alone a sex life(!) so you’re trapped in Groundhog Day. Making sandwiches, cooking and cleaning. Yet another supermarket shop, battling with your DC to get them to clean their rooms and themselves and doing laundry. Then you go to bed at the same time as them because why not? There’s nobody to talk to. Then it starts alllllllll over again the next day. It’s a feckless existence

No sorry but I won’t be doing this, he wasn’t in their lives consistently for 8 years he has never seen them consistently. He would only come down to my house to see them then stop when he bored. he would visit every 2/3 months or less all on his terms and when he could be bothered, he refused to stick to any kind of pattern or regular contact, would promise to come and see them then not show up or cancel at 2am the night before, leaving them upset, he was suppose to come down for our daughters birthday then cancelled on the day, he didn’t see our youngest till she was 2 years old because he was annoyed I had kept her. he saw them once then told me he didn’t want to be involved and disappeared for a year he then came back saw then again and disappeared for another year, I kept giving him chances as I wanted the kids to have a father but every time he came down he would ignore them and fall asleep on the sofa. He won’t take them to his house because he rents out the rooms so has no space, when he was here He would try it on with me, try to stay over. my son said he didn’t want him here anymore as all he does is fall asleep and ignore them. He would text me telling me he loves me. I will not leave him alone in my house with them as he goes through my letters and searches my wardrobe (I caught him doing both) he is not allowed in my house anymore.

And to the person that asked if my sister would help with them, no she won’t she is a teacher and said she doesn’t not want to be around children outside of school as she spends all day with children.

And it’s not because he can’t cope it’s because he rents all the rooms out in his house which is his choice he doesn’t this so he doesn’t have to work, he doesn’t want to come and take them out because that isn’t cheap and he lives 90 mins away so didn’t want to travel down just to take them to the park and go home again (we tried that a few times but he wouldn’t stick to it) also he isn’t autistic, autism isn’t in his family it’s on my side of the family I have extended family members that are autistic, he does not. Also he didn’t like me going out or not being around once I stayed in my room to give him some time with them without me so he could bond with them so I kept out of the way and he told me that was “weird” and he won’t be coming down again if I’m going to act weird, I was trying to give them some time alone and also trying to get some space myself.

I find problem is, this individualistic world we're living in right now. I've been reading through all comments on this post as other people's lives do intrigue me and we are social beings after all. We are designed to be that way and this captialist western world is antithesis to that

Excuse the wandering off but I have just been to a free local event in our local park. NOBODY would lift a finger.

If he is renting out his house, he must have money enough to pay for his children. You should definitely pursue him for child maintenance. What a disgraceful man.