To find it almost unbearable being around my mum in this situation?!

[Ahhhhhhhhhhg]

My Mum is early sixties. She’s very youthful looking and takes pride in her appearance. Her hearing is generally terrible and’ profoundly deaf ‘ in one ear. Hearing aid been advised. She won’t have one.

Today we went out with my toddler and it was just horrendous. She can’t hear anything and I’m constantly repeating myself and she’s speaking loudly herself. I’m so so frustrated she won’t simply get this sorted as she doesn’t like the aesthetics and she says it makes her feel old. My parents are wealthy and she could also get this sorted privately very fast. AIBU to feel this is unbearable?! I never thought something like this would irritate me but I’ve spent the majority of today feeling worn out

This is nonsense. After my NHS aids were fitted and I was told to 'just get used to it' I really came to understand how sound can be used as a method of torture. Admittedly I have an unusual hearing loss, but the NHS audiologists didn't take that into account, and just set them so that most sounds were ok. This meant that some frequencies were so loud as to be intolerable.

When I went to a private audiologist I got as many appointments as necessary to tweak and adjust the aids to my specific loss, and crucially, advice and help to get used to them. In my experience success with hearing aids is dependent on your willingness and ability to work as a team with your audiologist. This depends not only on their skill and experience but also on the time that they can give you. By all means try NHS aids first, you may get lucky, but if you don't then paying to go privately can be the best financial decision you ever make.

Is your mum also my mum? This is exactly like her. I once said that I couldn’t trust her alone with DD in case DD was shouting for help and she couldn’t hear. That made her think about it more but she still rarely wears her hearing aid for the reasons you’ve also said!

Several of you have mentioned shouting àt a deaf person. Please don't. It is not necessarily the volume that is the problem but the clarity. You need to face the person and speak more slowly and clearly.
Although I was critical of people who need hearing aids and either not getting them at all or not wearing them (DH, I'm looking at you), please, please try and be more understanding of deafness. It really is a hidden disability and very much misunderstood. Hearing aids are amazing and make a huge difference but, unlike glasses, they cannot replace the hearing that has been lost, only enhance what is left. In this respect l think the prosthetic that works most like them is false teeth. Both can work really well but are a poor substitute for the real thing.

Oh, and I meant to add that until I had my first pair of hearing aids l didn't realise that leaves that had dropped on the ground made a noise when being walked on. I have rarely heard cats purring and I am told that snow makes a crunching sound when you walk on it. It has always been silent for me so I am looking forward to seeing if I can hear it now l have these new; powerful aids.

@Violinist64 I completely agree. I think it's more like having an artificial limb, it makes a huge difference to what you can do but at the end of the day it's not the same and there will always be some things you just can't do.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I have the same issue with my SIL. It’s obvious that she has hearing loss. So whatever conversation I have with her, she just smiles and nods and I am very careful to look at her when I speak and try to doeskin clearly.
My brother gets so frustrated that he ends up shouting in the hope she can hear so it ends up being so stressful for everyone.
My SIL does wear hearing aids but days they don’t work.

Much as I appreciate mine when I need them, I can't wear them for long periods. They irritate my ear canal to the point that I have to take them out after half an hour..

My mum is much older, but after persuading her to see the GP about hearing aids, she had wax removed via micro suction and her hearing was so much better (to her) she decided she didn't need them. Except she bloody does. It is so stressful having to repeat yourself and shouting to be heard. I'm going to have to tell her straight.

This,exactly, people don't get it until it happens to you!

Can you explain that she won't be able to have a proper conversation with your toddler and they won't understand that she can't hear? Would she not at least LOOK INTO getting a hearing aid for their sake?

If the audiologist says she would benefit from a hearing aid, then it isn't fine.

Age-related hearing loss proceeds gradually. Usually it's the high frequency sounds that go first - probably because the hair cells that detect those sounds lie at the entrance of the cochlea and so are more vulnerable; we're not certain of the actual mechanism in many cases.

Losing high frequency sounds first means that you lose unvoiced consonants: f, th, s, t. You speak English well: you don't really notice they're gone. The brain fills in the gaps using lipreading and context.

Then you lose a bit more. It's hard to hear k, p, sh. Loss of those high frequency sounds makes it appear that everyone else is mumbling but you can still "hear" because the vowels, the nasals (m, n, ng) and the other consonants are still reaching you. The brain works harder to fill in more gaps.

The -a- -a- on the ma-
The cat spat on the mac?
Of course not. Your brain has filled in those gaps using your previous experience.

But as you lose more and more of that hearing, the brain has to fill in more and more of those gaps. Listening requires more effort and there's less cognitive capacity available to actually process what you're hearing.

So maybe you heard it fine, but you forget it more quickly. You think you understood but it turns out that you missed a key part of the conversation. Nod and smile; you'll probably work it out later...

But with hearing aids in, your brain hears all the sounds and frees up the capacity to learn and to remember. And your brain gets used to processing the different quality of sound you get through hearing aids before the amplification level rises so it's not a huge shock.

We cope incredibly well with lots of missing sounds but it doesn't mean that our hearing hasn't declined.

Forgetting the impact on others, she’s doing herself a massive disservice. If her auditory nerve is not being stimulated her brain will slow down and she will lose her ability to interpret speech at the speed she used to. She needs a hearing aid asap.

It might just be ear wax.

Having anything in your ears all day stops the wax draining as easily as it usually does. People who wear hearing aids often have more difficulty with wax.

Might be worth making a Saturday appt somewhere who does wax removal so that they can have a look.

mu fil is the same says he doesnt like then-so sits here and pretends hes watching a film weve put on but then starts hummying and figdeting because he cant actually hear any of it

its really irritating

I have also heard that it can speed up the onset of things like dementia as you are loosing one of your senses

I had an elderly female relative years ago, who used gradual hearing loss to control people.

She refused to get a hearing aid, would not have hearing tests. Loads of excuses. But it was because she got off on annoying people who had to shout, so that she could hear them.

She also used to routinely pretend and ignore and walk away from people who were trying to speak to her. And shrug her shoulders.

My mother tried to rumble her but she just carried on.

Sadly age catches up to all of us, i have diabetes, the doctors want me to take medication i also have kidney disease. My family on both sides had these issues. But i remain focused on the best goals. Everything can be better for us, but we must work on it. The only thing you can do is stress the need for her to get help.

I would just explain to her how exhausting it is having to speak loudly and keep repeating yourself. Tell her it takes the enjoyment out of whatever you are doing and hope that she understands. If she can't sympathise then it's very selfish on her part and I would just cut down on the time I spend with her. You could get some leaflets or print some info off the Internet of companies that do tiny hearing aids to show her how discreet they actually are. Like I said though, if she still won't do anything about it then I'm afraid I would have to reduce time spent with her. I couldn't face spending my time shouting in conversation and constantly repeating myself. It would drive me insane.

Interesting but a tiny sample size that doesn’t account for all the controlled variables of a study - and there’s a considerable body of evidence now that shows the opposite. The Lancet Commission found untreated hearing loss is the biggest modifiable dementia risk factor - 8% of cases globally.

This is very true. My DD1 regularly has a buildup of wax in her ears and we have to make an appointment for her to have it removed. And the appointment doesn’t come quickly either!

Especially if she can afford to go private, today’s hearing anids are absolutely fantastic and virtually invisible, if she has any hair at all round her ears. Several of my choir mates and friends have them, but I didn’t even notice for ages. Your Mum is being foolish - it’s common at her age, (I am 75 and felt the same about using a stick and admitting to arthritis pain and mobility limitations). You or someone else will need to sit her down and tell her that she is drawing much more attention to her deafness by needing to shout and having everyone shout at her etc. than by wearing an aid! And that she is a bit selfish by not considering others feelings, that you and your child will not enjoy coming round etc. She is setting a bad example to the child about problem solving and taking responsibility for one’s own health etc. . Ageing well is about using available aids to independence intelligently NOT struggling stubbornly without them. Does she have a friend you could recruit to help with this ‘talk’?

To add, both my DM and MIL have hearing difficulties and wear hearing aids. I agree that it’s exhausting having to repeat yourself, and it is annoying when they don’t wear their hearing aids. (Although often that’s when they’re having problems with them.)

I echo what a PP said, that it isn’t about loudness, though. My DM, who is very articulate, regularly reminds me that it’s necessary to look at her and speak slowly and clearly. People with hearing difficulties learn to lip read.

It’s been a steep learning curve for me, as I’ve always had a tendency to speak too fast and not clearly enough.

My mum was the same, she looks youthful and she had an idea of how it would look and that it would be aging. She hadn’t realised my MIL was wearing a hearing aid at my wedding, it was so discreet. I explained my MIL’s positive experience, showed her she could have a free appointment at Boots on x date, said it would be about £x and she changed her mind after that.

Is there someone you can use as a model to show how discreet it is?

It can be a bit of a tricky one as her confidence will be very low from not hearing, which can then make it all feel too overwhelming to get it fixed. The nhs now fit aids through specsavers, you could ask in your local branch how to proceed. I have worn them all my life and have helped others go down this route. For me it’s the difference between no social life or living your best life. I have Widex aids which are known for being natural and music sounds great. You can search for local approved fitters through their website. It may be best to arrange an appointment and go with her rather than wait for her to feel ready to go ahead which may not come due to decreasing confidence.

They are made by Ampilfon. They have shops in a lot of towns. These days NHS, at least in my area, offer only the full example type. The ones from Amplifon are the ones that go into the ear csnal.

a massive advantage, f or me, is that the aids are linked to my phone through Bluetooth, so calls go to my aids, rather than the speaker on the phone.