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Original poster

To wonder why my parents are denying they ever smacked me?

174 replies

LilMagpie · 26/09/2025 12:31

I’m so confused. My parents are fairly stereotypical boomers and so I had a typical 80s/90s upbringing where we (my brother and I) were smacked if we were ever out of line. I’m not talking daily beatings but I have very vivid memories of it. I can recall at least 4 or 5 specific occasions but if I had to guess I’d say it happened once or twice a month between the ages of 4-10. I certainly lived in fear of it. The phrase “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” was thrown around a lot in our house. I know this paints my parents in a bad light, but I am still close to them in spite of this and have a good relationship with them as in other ways they were and are very wonderful and I do understand it was a different time and they thought they were doing the right thing at the time.

I was talking with them the other day and the topic came up and they said
“oh, you were such a well-behaved child, we never once had to smack you…”
and I was like… huh??? What do you mean? You definitely did! And they both seemed genuinely confused and started backing each other up saying “no! We had to occasionally smack your brother but never you!” And I kept saying “but I remember it! I can still remember the sting on the back of my legs at the supermarket one time!” And both are absolutely adamant that they didn’t, to the point they were both getting annoyed that I was accusing them that they did.

So do they just genuinely not remember? Or are they gaslighting me? But why would they admit to hitting my brother and not me??
I just felt frustrated by the whole conversation, it felt like it really invalidated a big part of my childhood where I lived in fear of misbehaving. I left it at “well I can’t understand why anyone would hit their kids, the thought of hurting mine makes me feels physically sick” and dropped the conversation but it was awkward for a while after.

OP posts:
Plastictreees · 26/09/2025 12:36

It’s really common for parents / people to deny these sorts of behaviours, I think there is a lot of cognitive dissonance. I wouldn’t get into a debate with them about it. You know it happened and you don’t need them to validate that. It is very frustrating.

dairydebris · 26/09/2025 12:36

This would enrage me too. I'd have to keep bringing it up. Probably to the detriment of the relationship.

No advice, just solidarity. Those memories are strong!

Beepbittyboop · 26/09/2025 12:40

My mother denies ever doing such such things, as well as inventing other memories about what an excellent parent she was. I think it's because she feels bad and frankly just feel pity for her so I tend to just ignore it and move the conversation on.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 26/09/2025 12:43

It makes them feel bad 😭😭

hoohaal · 26/09/2025 12:48

How weird!
Surely they wouldn’t forget hitting you? Sounds like they are trying to make you think you’ve remembered incorrectly. Bizarre.

My parents did a similar thing with my Brother recently - I recall them ringing social services and saying they were going to get rid of him when he was around 11.

He brought it up with them recently and they said that’s not what happened and that they only rang to ask for advice because he was going mental because he couldn’t have orange juice…what a wild excuse 🤣🤣. We both remember exactly what they said though so a total lie. My Mum was adamant they hadn’t said they wanted social services to take him away. I wonder if she genuinely believes that?!

Byllis · 26/09/2025 12:49

My parents never denied this, but used to minimise: “ooh, yes, we were so awful to you!” Well, yes, and on a couple of occasions it went further than what I think was normal even at the time. I also hold it against my parents that they never used punishments like withholding treats, etc. It was like in some way they were actually too soft to punish more rationally and instead lashed out, thinking that would be the end of it. Whereas it has left me with resentment.

I have mentioned more than once that I think it was wrong, totally unnecessary and that I find recalling it upsetting. They eventually accepted this.

Deliverednow · 26/09/2025 12:51

light, but I am still close to them in spite of this and have a good relationship with them as in other ways they were and are very wonderful

so little point in pursuing this because they won’t suddenly change their view

pikkumyy77 · 26/09/2025 12:53

I am a mother—kids now 26 and 29–and I am horrified and amused by how much I have forgotten about their childhood. Not abuse or things that are dystonic or upsetting but ordinary things: various outings, books, movies, conversations etc…etc…etc…

ginasevern · 26/09/2025 12:58

@hoohaal "My parents did a similar thing with my Brother recently - I recall them ringing social services and saying they were going to get rid of him when he was around 11"

To be fair there's a big difference between the occasional (and at the time socially acceptable smack) and actually arranging to put your child in care. I'm in no way defending your parents, but I can understand why guilt, shame and maybe fear would make them deny that episode.

Nospoonreq · 26/09/2025 13:00

ginasevern · 26/09/2025 12:58

@hoohaal "My parents did a similar thing with my Brother recently - I recall them ringing social services and saying they were going to get rid of him when he was around 11"

To be fair there's a big difference between the occasional (and at the time socially acceptable smack) and actually arranging to put your child in care. I'm in no way defending your parents, but I can understand why guilt, shame and maybe fear would make them deny that episode.

Although that sounds like a daft threat from a parent at end of tether with behaviour that day

Nospoonreq · 26/09/2025 13:02

beatings but I have very vivid memories of it. I can recall at least 4 or 5 specific occasions but if I had to guess I’d say it happened once or twice a month between the ages of 4-10.

odd to actually only re 4 or 5 specific occasions, but be able to put such a specific number on every month for 6 years

ginasevern · 26/09/2025 13:04

Nospoonreq · 26/09/2025 13:00

Although that sounds like a daft threat from a parent at end of tether with behaviour that day

Show quote history

I absolutely agree but the OP said her parents actually phoned Social Services and spoke to someone. I suspect they perhaps "pretended" to do so.

Nospoonreq · 26/09/2025 13:08

ginasevern · 26/09/2025 13:04

I absolutely agree but the OP said her parents actually phoned Social Services and spoke to someone. I suspect they perhaps "pretended" to do so.

Show quote history

Indeed

not nice but I do sympathise as I’ve pretended to be on call to my child’s head teacher before!

Catwalking · 26/09/2025 13:09

My DM just says she “can’t remember”.
Oddly there was a point tho, some yrs ago, when she would be looking after 1 of my nephews most days after school; where she suggested that little children understand & remember a lot more than parents might think & she would say similar every time I saw her. Think really she may have been trying to get me to say something I remembered but I never bothered, we never got on too well.
Do remember smacks & seeing DB’s being smacked/ in tears.

Teenytwo · 26/09/2025 13:10

My parents deny ever arguing in front of me, my mum was taken to the drunk tank on more than one occasion when the neighbours called the police because they heard arguing and me crying. Apparently it never happened!

TheatricalLife · 26/09/2025 13:11

I absolutely got smacked as a child (born in the 80s). It wasn't often, but I definitely had the occasional one.
Sounds like they genuinely don't remember if they freely admit they smacked your brother?

Nospoonreq · 26/09/2025 13:12

Teenytwo · 26/09/2025 13:10

My parents deny ever arguing in front of me, my mum was taken to the drunk tank on more than one occasion when the neighbours called the police because they heard arguing and me crying. Apparently it never happened!

Well this sounds very serious! How’s your relationship now with your mother?

Original poster
LilMagpie · 26/09/2025 13:12

Nospoonreq · 26/09/2025 13:02

beatings but I have very vivid memories of it. I can recall at least 4 or 5 specific occasions but if I had to guess I’d say it happened once or twice a month between the ages of 4-10.

odd to actually only re 4 or 5 specific occasions, but be able to put such a specific number on every month for 6 years

Yea I get that. As I said, it’s a guess really but what I’m trying to convey is that it definitely happened relatively frequently but not daily. It was the only punishment we had. My parents never used time-out or grounded us or took privileges. It was always a smack or at least the threat of one, so it was dished out fairly regularly. When I say I can recall 4 or 5 specific times, I mean that I can remember the actual details of where I was and what I did wrong, the rest of my memories are not so specific in details but I do remember that it was frequent enough that I just accepted that my punishment for doing something wrong would be a smack and I do remember living with a low level anxiety of constantly having that hanging over me.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 26/09/2025 13:14

@LilMagpie "I am still close to them in spite of this and have a good relationship with them as in other ways they were and are very wonderful and I do understand it was a different time and they thought they were doing the right thing at the time."

So on balance you had a good childhood and your parents "were and are very wonderful". You also have a good relationship and are close to them. They clearly thought they were doing the right thing and behaved within accepted societal norms of the time, along with most other parents up and down the country. What then are you hoping to achieve?

Nospoonreq · 26/09/2025 13:15

* I do remember living with a low level anxiety of constantly having that hanging over me.*

That sounds like an unhappy childhood

Do you ever leave your children under their care?

Nospoonreq · 26/09/2025 13:16

ginasevern · 26/09/2025 13:14

@LilMagpie "I am still close to them in spite of this and have a good relationship with them as in other ways they were and are very wonderful and I do understand it was a different time and they thought they were doing the right thing at the time."

So on balance you had a good childhood and your parents "were and are very wonderful". You also have a good relationship and are close to them. They clearly thought they were doing the right thing and behaved within accepted societal norms of the time, along with most other parents up and down the country. What then are you hoping to achieve?

well that is what I thought

but then the op updated that she “constantly” had low level anxiety that she was going to be smacked, which sounds an unpleasant childhood

Original poster
LilMagpie · 26/09/2025 13:17

ginasevern · 26/09/2025 13:14

@LilMagpie "I am still close to them in spite of this and have a good relationship with them as in other ways they were and are very wonderful and I do understand it was a different time and they thought they were doing the right thing at the time."

So on balance you had a good childhood and your parents "were and are very wonderful". You also have a good relationship and are close to them. They clearly thought they were doing the right thing and behaved within accepted societal norms of the time, along with most other parents up and down the country. What then are you hoping to achieve?

I’m not really hoping to achieve anything, I’m just confused why they can’t remember a single occasion (or claim not to) when I can remember several. Like how can we all have such different memories of it? And I was hurt that they denied it ever happened and made me feel like a liar.
I guess I just wanted opinions on if it’s likely they genuinely don’t remember?

OP posts:
Plastictreees · 26/09/2025 13:18

They may not remember, or they may not want to remember. People tend to have difficulties remembering things which don’t paint them in a good light.

Nospoonreq · 26/09/2025 13:19

The fact they openly admit to smacking your brother Op… sounds to me like they genuinely have forgotten snacking you

TheNightingalesStarling · 26/09/2025 13:20

"Recollections will vary".

They are choosing not to remember.

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