To wonder why my parents are denying they ever smacked me?

[LilMagpie]

I’m so confused. My parents are fairly stereotypical boomers and so I had a typical 80s/90s upbringing where we (my brother and I) were smacked if we were ever out of line. I’m not talking daily beatings but I have very vivid memories of it. I can recall at least 4 or 5 specific occasions but if I had to guess I’d say it happened once or twice a month between the ages of 4-10. I certainly lived in fear of it. The phrase “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” was thrown around a lot in our house. I know this paints my parents in a bad light, but I am still close to them in spite of this and have a good relationship with them as in other ways they were and are very wonderful and I do understand it was a different time and they thought they were doing the right thing at the time.

I was talking with them the other day and the topic came up and they said
“oh, you were such a well-behaved child, we never once had to smack you…”
and I was like… huh??? What do you mean? You definitely did! And they both seemed genuinely confused and started backing each other up saying “no! We had to occasionally smack your brother but never you!” And I kept saying “but I remember it! I can still remember the sting on the back of my legs at the supermarket one time!” And both are absolutely adamant that they didn’t, to the point they were both getting annoyed that I was accusing them that they did.

So do they just genuinely not remember? Or are they gaslighting me? But why would they admit to hitting my brother and not me??
I just felt frustrated by the whole conversation, it felt like it really invalidated a big part of my childhood where I lived in fear of misbehaving. I left it at “well I can’t understand why anyone would hit their kids, the thought of hurting mine makes me feels physically sick” and dropped the conversation but it was awkward for a while after.

My adult children bring up childhood memories(not necessarily negative) that I have no recollection of at all.

But equally I'll mention memories of them as children/teens, often positive, and they'll have no memory of those! My daughter even denied that she'd been with me (aged 12) when the Queens car went by is and she waved to us! Yet I have proof of that in the form of a diary that shows I was taking her to a hospital appointment on that day!

Memory is an odd thing. And I agree with the poster who mentioned that since they acknowledged hitting OP 's brother, it's not like they're trying to pretend that they never punished that way.

My guess is that its a mix of them genuinely not remembering and you overestimating how frequently it happened. It may have only happened a handful of times, but it had such significance to you that your mind remembers it happening frequently to reflect the importance it had to you.

I remember visiting my granny in Ireland about 4/5 times as a child. My brother who is older is definite we only visited once. I believe him as he is older so will have better recall and it fits better with the poor relationship between mum and Gran.

They might genuinely just not remember. We tell ourselves stories about what has happened in our past and that is what we remember. My kids tell me things that happened / that I did when they were younger that they remember vividly and I don't at all; likewise I have things that I remember about my childhood that my mother completely denies. (My sister backs me up.) It's a thing that happens with memories.

They also probably don't WANT to remember this. Accepting that memories are faulty and they don't remember it doesn't invalidate what happened or how you feel about it, but they will not be part of that validation. If you struggle with that, some talking therapy might help you unpack it.

My dad tried to kick my door down in a drunken rage once, which I had to barricade with furniture to stop him, all the while screaming at me that I was a cunt. I was 9. When approached about this some 25 years later, he told me to fuck off and it never happened.
When discussing his violence with my mum years later, she said 'oh darling, I would never have let a man hurt my children...but there was that one time I had to threaten to call the police as he was going to throw your brother down the stairs'...so yeah, selective memory is incredible convenient when it suits.

Well yes of course I agree about smacking but it was socially acceptable and it was the norm. Phoning Social Services and telling your child you're going to have them taken into care because they refuse to drink their orange juice was very, very far from the norm.

I had a 70’s childhood and both my parents were always saying the I will give you something to cry about. But was only actually smacked twice in my childhood.

I'm pretty sure that there is some level of maliciousness in how my mother choses to remember things. We had a difficult upbringing (born in 1975) with parents who drank too much, were fighting all the time and who definitely also smacked/kicked us. My brother more than me as from a young age I learned how to become invisible or how to be seen as the great helper. Now, she doesn't remember anything of it anymore, claims that her and my dad had a great marriage and even has made up examples of things we definitely never did. I can accept that she is attempting to hide the bad parenting but what annoys me is that she now starts to make things up about outings she had with my kids (her grandchildren) that never happened. We'll drive around the neighborhood and she will say 'oh that's were we always went for walks' while in reality, that may have happened once but definitely not often as I never left my kids alone with them a lot. I'm personally not buying an innocent explanation of forgetfulness.

My parents say they gave us a tap on the hand or a smack on the bum, because that was acceptable then. In reality they lashed out in complete violence and anger, it involved screaming in our faces and throwing things, chasing us to get to us and what I can only describe as frenzied beatings, my dad was a fan of kicking once you'd fallen down. My brothers remember it clear as day too, so this isn't just 'my truth' . People will always minimise and gloss over their own past behaviour.

Same era childhood and I also was smacked. Parents pretended to call / threatened to call SS because my brothers behaviour was “unacceptable” (he was hyper) and I remember my mum calmly telling me he would have to go and live in a children’s home for unwanted children if he couldn’t calm down. I 💯 believed her as a kid.

I wouldn’t bring it up voluntarily now because I know her memory is ropey and she doesn’t recall things as I do. However, I wouldn’t accept her rewriting history if she was pushing me to agree with her. I was fearful of her as a kid and I wouldn’t hold back now if asked, that I don’t use fear to parent my kids as I have other skills. (Smug I know!) It makes me a bit sad as I was a gentle soul and her approach was OTT - but befitting of that era.

It’s quite an interesting thread this , and I see two sides to it .

now I remember my mum being an angry woman and we had quite a lot of slapped legs with her slipper or flip flop .

she denies it ever happened/ when pushed said I was really good and she only had to smack me once or twice . I remember shoving dolly clothes down my pants so it wouldn’t hurt as much !

interestingly my just about grown up daughter said recently that she was smacked loads , and I honestly only ever remember smacking her legs once - and I remember it so clearly because I always said I wouldn’t do that , and had absolutely lost my temper with her and it’s such a clear awful parenting memory.

so I do wonder if the fear or threat of it sticks with them more than the actual smack , or as children the worry that they might be smacked makes them feel it happens loads .

having said that I’m sure I read a study that said any memory over two years it very subjective- even if we think we remember every little detail , we rearly do , and our brain changes bits

for the most part we are all just trying to do our best 😊

That is terrible, I am so sorry

And when the "one day" comes and you find (possibly through the lens of history) that you parented in a way you now regret, will you accept that what you did was wrong and apologise to your children, or will you deny it ever happened (as is the case for OP and others on this thread).

As a parent you can't change what you've already done, but you can reflect on what you did and try to make it right.

My mother is very gifted in the memory loss department when it comes to my childhood. She will swear black is white that certain things never happened. If she still had her old cooker, I could show her the dents in the hob rings from where she used to throw them at me (plus any other kitchen utensils that came to hand), but it’s not worth raising it because she’d accuse me of lying.

This is the key part for me, parenting will always develop and change but it’s owning up to where things could have gone better that’s important and builds relationships with your adult kids.

My mother continually denied hitting my brother and me - she would get mad if it was ever mentioned. She was later diagnosed as bipolar - we were older then and it explained a lot. Perhaps not her fault but she made our lives miserable. I have never raised my hands to my sons because I know how worthless it makes you feel.

Memories are funny things. We think that when we remember something we are calling up the original sights, sounds and feelings when in reality we are going back to the last time we thought about it, not the first time it happened. So there can be a 'Chinese whispers' distortion of of recollection, which grows over time, especially for children who's brains are absorbing information at a fast rate in the first 10 years of life than they ever will again.

Maybe the threats of being smacked where enough to make you now believe that it happened on a much more regular basis than it did. Maybe your parents didn't regard their smacks as smacks but as a way of instilling discipline, or they've genuinely forgotten because it was such a normal way to behave then.

Realistically you'll never settle the matter one way or another so, unless it's caused you a therapy level of discomfort you'd be better adopting the late Queen's view...'recollections may vary'.

My DM denies it too. She used to do it all the time but I think in her world it was so normal that she didn’t think twice about it and may well have forgotten many of the instances. She also denies the brutal way that she would brush my hair.

Awkwardly, one of my DM’s friend’s daughters, who I used to play with as a child, has told me in adulthood that my DM used to smack her too. And I also remember my DM whacking a child round the head at church who was talking over her. So at least I have witnesses!

They're simply embarrassed. Upbringing was different in the 1980s and parents were allowed more control over their children and had fewer duties. You will get nowhere trying to make them admit they did it (long, long time ago). Not sure why you're dwelling on this. You have said yourself you're still on good terms with them and it hasn't damaged you, so what are you expecting from this...?

I think it’s genuinely hard for most people to admit their mistakes day to day, let alone that they hurt little children. I think in most cases, they just can’t go there.

I think it works both ways tbh.

Of course parents should be accountable for how they behaved and be prepared to apologise. That is so important. No one is the perfect parent!

But equally, and from the perspective of a tail end boomer, I think adult children forget how much time, tolerance, patience, money, and personal sacrifice goes in to raising children.

Do any adult children think of the broken nights, nappies, tantrums, sick bowls that went in to the early years of raising them?

And the endless school runs? And extra-curricular activities?

And what about adolescence?

Young adults can often have very little recall about how incredibly thoughtless and self-centred their behaviour was as a teen! Even as a teen they don’t remember! They can be kicking off about something one minute, so much so that you would be walking on eggshells around them, and ten minutes later they had forgotten all about the argument while you were still tense about it! 😀

Do people remember the financial sacrifices their parents went through to pay for that special school trip, longed for bicycle or computer, or study programme or first car? Your parents probably never even mentioned it to you!

Of course we love the very bones of our dc and we would do it all again in a heartbeat but I feel sad about this modern trend where all everyone remembers about their childhood was how hard done by they were!

Obviously if you were physically or mentally abused as a child then that is a very different matter and I would never condone that. A child in that situation has every reason to feel upset and angry.

As you say op, most parents

try to raise their children to the best of their ability, according to the societal norms of the time, and according to how they were raised.

I was raised in a very strict religious household in the sixties and we were smacked and shouted at. I remember being fearful of my mother’s shouting. And I resented her for a long time, But now I am much older myself and have raised a family, I am much more understanding of her and think she was overall a great mother! I only wish I had appreciated her more at the time!

It must be said that when my mum lectures me about badly behaved children and how they wouldn’t have got away with that in her day, I always respond to say that parents get jailed for that kind of thing these days and she always ends the conversation. There is no pretence that there were other consequences other than physical ones.

I have a vivid memory or sitting with my teacher talking to my mum about what she had done the weekend before and my mum was so angry with me about it. I imagine social services wouldn’t have let me go home with her if that happened today.

@Chevronsandstripes Children do not ask to be born. They shouldn’t be grateful for the bare minimums of parenting, or feel guilty for being babies and having needs! Parents should take responsibility for the things they did that cause their children distress - in this case the OP experienced considerable anxiety due to the fear of physical punishment. Rather than taking responsibility, listening to the OP and apologising they are claiming not to remember - this is often the case when parents have been abusive.

It is a privilege to raise a child and to go thorough the developmental stages with them. I chose to be a parent and I certainly won’t be guilt tripping my children or expecting praise just for the basics.

I’ve addressed this in another comment but I haven’t been dwelling on it, I probably would never have brought it up myself but my parents did with a weird false memory/lie. I have a great relationship with my parents (now, and for 95% of my childhood) but I caught me by surprise that they literally have no memory of it at all.

But just to add, I wouldn’t say I wasn’t damaged in some way by it. I am a chronic people-pleaser who feels anxious around authority figures (and a lot of anxiety in general). I don’t know if it’s related nor do I know if I might have had different/worse problems if I had been parented differently, so I don’t hold any resentment towards my parents, but I can’t say for sure that it didn’t harm me.

But equally, and from the perspective of a tail end boomer, I think adult children forget how much time, tolerance, patience, money, and personal sacrifice goes in to raising children.

Adult children who were raised in the 80s/90s like OP (and some of the other posters are older) are of an age to have had children of their own so probably do realise. Many of these adult children are actively choosing to treat their own children in a different way.