To wonder why my parents are denying they ever smacked me?

[LilMagpie]

I’m so confused. My parents are fairly stereotypical boomers and so I had a typical 80s/90s upbringing where we (my brother and I) were smacked if we were ever out of line. I’m not talking daily beatings but I have very vivid memories of it. I can recall at least 4 or 5 specific occasions but if I had to guess I’d say it happened once or twice a month between the ages of 4-10. I certainly lived in fear of it. The phrase “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” was thrown around a lot in our house. I know this paints my parents in a bad light, but I am still close to them in spite of this and have a good relationship with them as in other ways they were and are very wonderful and I do understand it was a different time and they thought they were doing the right thing at the time.

I was talking with them the other day and the topic came up and they said
“oh, you were such a well-behaved child, we never once had to smack you…”
and I was like… huh??? What do you mean? You definitely did! And they both seemed genuinely confused and started backing each other up saying “no! We had to occasionally smack your brother but never you!” And I kept saying “but I remember it! I can still remember the sting on the back of my legs at the supermarket one time!” And both are absolutely adamant that they didn’t, to the point they were both getting annoyed that I was accusing them that they did.

So do they just genuinely not remember? Or are they gaslighting me? But why would they admit to hitting my brother and not me??
I just felt frustrated by the whole conversation, it felt like it really invalidated a big part of my childhood where I lived in fear of misbehaving. I left it at “well I can’t understand why anyone would hit their kids, the thought of hurting mine makes me feels physically sick” and dropped the conversation but it was awkward for a while after.

I agree with this. Obviously it’s possible that they may be deliberately “forgetting” and are basically lying for whatever reason. But it’s also possible they genuinely don’t remember. It’s also possible some of the things you remember are not 100% accurate. (Not saying you’re lying and that you didn’t get smacked. Just that some of your recollections may not be accurate).
I have some weird “memories” from childhood that I know now never happened. But to me they feel like memories. One incident was when a dog came into our school. I can remember a big white dog running about barking and chasing all the children who were running down the corridor screaming. I honestly can remember this. What actually happened, was a tiny brown yorkie type dog wandered around the playground while all kids were in lessons until a teacher removed it. And even though the real version has been confirmed by my mother, an old teacher and 2 friends from school who remember watching it out the window, my brain can still “remember” this big white barky dog in the corridor.
Another weird “memory” I have was when we got a kitten. I remember my mum bringing it to school pick up. She had it in a carrier bag with some bread rolls and I can vividly remember her opening it to show me the kitten inside. My mum thought I was crazy when as an adult I mentioned this and asked whether it was true! And I’m pretty sure she’s not lying. She was an animal lover and definitely not the type to put an animal in plastic carrier bag even in the 80s!
Even as a teenager I remember watching a show with some friends. And we all discussed the rest of the day this amazing part of it and we were so excited. We watched it again a few weeks later. The bit we were talking about for so long didn’t actually happen. This is actually quite baffling. All of us were confused at the time. But it was definitely the same show and the bit we remember was just totally different. I think we must have got into a weird collective hyperfixation and invented our own version in our minds due to the excitement.

Yea I do. They are the sweetest grandparents, they are not the same as they were 30+ years ago and I truly do not think for one moment they would hurt my children. I know that might be hard for some people reading to understand! But I do think their “motivation” for hitting us as kids was fear that we would turn into bad adults, whereas they do not feel responsible for ‘parenting’ my children (in fact they probably let them get away with way too much). But if ever I had the slightest doubt then obviously I wouldn’t allow them to care for them.

Don’t worry.

You’re not alone.

A lot (and I mean A LOT) of people who were parent in the 80s and 90s when smacking was normal don’t want to remember that they used to do it because
its taboo now.

Both DH and I and loads of our friends got the occasional smack when we were kids but literally all of our parents deny ever having done it.

Maybe it’s a shame thing because no one smacks their children now unless
they are an abusive parent, and they know it.

My mother denied absolutely that we didn’t learn to swear from her. My sibling and I are definite we most certainly did. I think people don’t want to be put on the spot about their bad behaviour.

The fact they were getting annoyed at you stating the fact and not even willing to consider they might misremember, tells a lot.

And don’t forget, 80s/90s parents like
mine were literally caned at school by teachers in the 60s/70s (which would land any adult in prison now) so the occasional smacked hand/leg probably seemed
mild to them.

Both my DM and DF
and DH’s are lovely DGP too who have never so much as raised their voice to
my DC.

It’s just a thing because raising and disciplining children has changed so quickly in such a short space of time that they don’t want to remember that they did something that was seen as fine and normal
then which is seen as horrible and abusive now.

This. They are choosing not to remember because to remember means they are having to face the shame and think about and acknowledge and own that their actions were not okay. Which for some people they just find too hard to do.

My mum thinks she was a disciplinarian, had it nailed, after all - look how great we turned out.

Bullshit. I smoked, tried drugs, slept around in my older teens. She’d ground me and I’d walk out. Loads of other examples of normal childhood, teen years of protest.

I think it’s common (and convenient) for parents to misremember the past and paint themselves as the perfect parents - gives them the opportunity to gloat how much better they were than us 🙄

The most traumatic thing I remember (far worse than being smacked) was DM
pretending to ring Santa and telling him not to bring me any presents this year because I had been “naughty”!

I do remember living with a low level anxiety of constantly having that hanging over me this is not good at all

It's up to you how you deal with them denying it. They presumably don't want to discuss, I doubt they have actually forgotten.

I'm finding this thread triggering a lot of anger inside me. I was a late 60s child, and my younger brother and I were regularly whipped with a leather belt kept under the stairs by my mother. She was stressed and depressed when their marriage ended (she sucks the life out of anyone with her miserable, critical demeanour), we were regularly victims of her short temper, as she took out her frustrations about life onto us children. This was a middle-class home, and we were privately educated. She denies it, along with the overdose she took in front of us while we were at the top of primary education. She would often tell me I was plain and would never amount to anything. Abusive parents do tend to rewrite history to suit their own narrative. I'm sorry this happened to you too

Yes this is a very good point! A lot of generational trauma. I’m sure there will be things about my parenting that I regret one day, but I’m happy I at least broke the cycle with smacking and I hope that my children grow up to know that I tried my best.

I’d forgive your parents, OP. They don’t sound horrible- like most parents of their generation, they thought that smacking was an acceptable form of discipline. Now they realize that it isn’t.

In 20 years, I expect that our children will also consider our parenting to be lacking in various ways. My DD (20) has said that she thinks that overall, I’ve parented well, but didn’t handle a few things in the right way.

It’s guilt. And that should feel guilty too.

Their probably embarrassed.

My mum is the same. Point blank denies certain things ever happened. It's coz they know they'd be judged for it in this day and age

And yet your father worked away and left you with her . He didn't sound so great either . Sorry Fuzzy. 😭

My mum smacked a lot, my Dad occasionally. I remember clearly one of the few times he smacked me, it was so hard it left a large bruise on the back of my thigh. He felt so guilty, he took me to get an ice cream. My mum was the main punisher. Neither of my parents admit to smacking my brother and I and describe it as a ‘light tap at most’ It then goes off on a tangent about how their parents would beat them with various objects or how they’d get caned at school for misbehaving. We’ve been told that we’ve not remembered things correctly, despite us both having the same memories. DH has had similar denials from his parents.

I don’t hold it against my parents, they were parenting the way they thought was right and was the norm for the 80’s/90’s.

I think they either don’t remember as it was just part of another day for them, or they’ve minimised it.

@Greggsiti think there is a difference in recounting memories of widely publicised events and personal memories. I believe they are stored differently in the brain?

I can recall some personal past events but others are lost to me. I don’t remember them in a vague way with only the salient details. They are replayed in my mind alongside all the inconsequential stuff - the wallpaper, the carpet, the song on the radio, the dog’s expression, my mother’s expression, the smell of cooking, the feel of being hit with a pan (closet to hand) etc. I couldn’t tell you what happened before or after but some things are imprinted. My memories of childhood are a series of intense recollections with very little in between.

Maybe parents remember the in between bits and prefer to block out the intense bits?

My parents try to skirt-over things like when dad used to put me and my little bro in the boot of the estate so we could fit the aunties on the back seat of the car, or how my mum used to smack us with a wooden spoon bc she didn't want to hurt her hand.

They wouldn't be stupid enough to try to deny it though, they'd just pull the old "it was a different time", or "it wasn't that bad" card.

omg yes, my mum definitely rewrites certain parts of my history. It’s extremely annoying.

but the smacking, she knows she did that and we have talked about it in adulthood so she can’t try and wriggle out of it! Certain smacking events though, I can see her denying. Like the time she walloped me around the head 🙄

Thing is though, even if it was 'socially acceptable' I still don't see how someone can hit their child (and yes i was smacked, and yes i do get cross with my kids as they are not easy and really push my buttons)

Humans have known hitting another person is wrong for a very long time.It should be about not wanting to hurt the child they are supposed to love, not whether society thinks its ok or not :-/ I think that excuses the behaviour alot for that generation to be honest.

This and not really not reflect your parents badly. It was very "normal" then but I think people now have realised actually what an awful thing to do they are slightly embarrassed so have probably downplayed in their mind what actually happened

My mum denies it too. It was usually my dad who hit us but I remember her hitting me several times. She was usually drunk so it’s quite possible she genuinely doesn’t remember but I think this sort of denial is normal - absolutely galling but normal. I
we got threatened with ‘going into care’ too. Horrendous things happened to us that the school, neighbours and doctors were aware of but no social worker ever came knocking despite their threats. Might have been better if they did!!

Your story is so familiar. I was a child of the 50s and smackings (or rather beatings) by my father were a regular feature of my life. My sister was never beaten because she was the golden princess. Years later, after my father's funeral, both my mother and my sister denied that this happened. They told me I had imagined it all. Subsequently one of my old school friends told me that she had not imagined the days I came into school with huge black bruises on my arms and the imprint of a hand, She validated my experience.

Looking back I was one of those cheeky kids who always had a smart answer and slapping children was something parents did without thinking. My sister was equally a smartass kid but was never touched. It made me grow up feeling like shit. I later went low/no contact with my family. To this day there is a coldness between my sister and I.

I find it really sad that so many parents, including my own, cannot take responsibility for their behaviour. Yes, intergenerational trauma exists and yes, it was a different time but your child is telling you about something you did that hurt them. So much hurt could be at least partially healed by a simple acknowledgement and genuine apology.

The silence, denials, minimisations and gaslighting just grind away at the foundation of what’s left of the relationship.

I hope I can do better for my children.