To wonder why my parents are denying they ever smacked me?

[LilMagpie]

I’m so confused. My parents are fairly stereotypical boomers and so I had a typical 80s/90s upbringing where we (my brother and I) were smacked if we were ever out of line. I’m not talking daily beatings but I have very vivid memories of it. I can recall at least 4 or 5 specific occasions but if I had to guess I’d say it happened once or twice a month between the ages of 4-10. I certainly lived in fear of it. The phrase “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” was thrown around a lot in our house. I know this paints my parents in a bad light, but I am still close to them in spite of this and have a good relationship with them as in other ways they were and are very wonderful and I do understand it was a different time and they thought they were doing the right thing at the time.

I was talking with them the other day and the topic came up and they said
“oh, you were such a well-behaved child, we never once had to smack you…”
and I was like… huh??? What do you mean? You definitely did! And they both seemed genuinely confused and started backing each other up saying “no! We had to occasionally smack your brother but never you!” And I kept saying “but I remember it! I can still remember the sting on the back of my legs at the supermarket one time!” And both are absolutely adamant that they didn’t, to the point they were both getting annoyed that I was accusing them that they did.

So do they just genuinely not remember? Or are they gaslighting me? But why would they admit to hitting my brother and not me??
I just felt frustrated by the whole conversation, it felt like it really invalidated a big part of my childhood where I lived in fear of misbehaving. I left it at “well I can’t understand why anyone would hit their kids, the thought of hurting mine makes me feels physically sick” and dropped the conversation but it was awkward for a while after.

My memory has never been great but it’s now in my late 50s really terrible. I’ve no doubt that I’ve forgotten all sorts of things about ds’s childhood. The only saving grace I hope is that I do acknowledge that I remember so little, so if ds told me that I smacked him, I would be horrified but would have to accept it. In his case I really don’t think I did. I can imagine that they don’t want to think that they did.

If I were you I would just speak about it as a normal memory ‘when you smacked me…’

Not really. If it's such a regular part of every day life why would every single instances stand iut? The ones that do may have something special about them like OP mentioned being in a shop maybe being jn public added to the humiliation and made it a stronger memory.

My parents are like this too. Frequently smacked and worse, justified as my parents were busy and stressed. I have several vivid memories of my dad dragging me by my ankles out from under the bed where I had been desperately trying to hide as I was terrified, and beating me with a slipper. He had an explosive temper and would absolutely lose it and go on a rampage, then just pretend it never happened ed. He completely denies it and would just be furious if I tried to bring it up.

If it's like my parents (my childhood seems similar to yours but they claim they never smacked myself or my siblings except for one specific instance they do recall with my brother) it's because they have recategorised "smack" as hard physical violence (the remembered instance is them hitting my brother across the face to leave a mark that lasted some time) and the "regular" stuff as a mild slap hardly worthy of note. They are also keen to present themselves as "model perfect" parents and probably realise that regularly smacking their children, even if more acceptable in the times they did it, does not fit with this image.

I agree with @Plastictreees. My Dad had conveniently forgotten how his lifelong MH issues affected our family, and we’re talking vs about really serious things. He doesn’t want to remember.

It’s v. frustrating, OP,. From my recollection, most children were smacked sometimes in the ‘80’s- at least I was and my friends were. It was acceptable discipline back then.

My mum claimed to have only ever smacked me once the last time I discussed smacking children with her. I have never had a conversation about it again with her. Or left my child in her care for more than about half an hour

I put it down to it being more acceptable then, or less of an absolute bad thing, whereas over the last fifty years social attitudes have changed drastically, so that admitting to smacking a child is not something decent people would feel was a part of who they are.

My mums and her ex husband is the same think they must live in la la land that or Mum says "No that was my ex husband not me" erm no it was definitely both of you and her ex husband wells up with tears and says he never did it and he's sorry that I think that 🙄

I have some very vivid memories from my child not bad ones but there was no conspiracy they were just not possible

My mum is very good at changing facts to ones that suit her and paint her more favourable so it’s not surprising that she also doesn’t remember the beatings I got as a child.

I kept a young child’s toy in my bedroom for many years because it was the right size to wedge behind my wardrobe and stop her opening the door to beat me. I vividly remember on so many occasions running upstairs as fast as I could to barricade myself in because I would be slapped and hit otherwise. My mum seems to recall once giving me a gentle tap on my hand.

Whilst I was probably difficult for my probably autistic mother to deal with because she was going through the menopause and I was undiagnosed as autistic at that stage, she was violent, full of rage, emotionally horrible, and she scared me. My dad worked long hours and was often away but now I can see she was abusive and he enabled her. She’ll tell you she could write books on how to be the best mother the world has ever seen.

Their behaviour was of its time. Obviously smacking is no longer acceptable, perhaps they are deliberately ignoring/forgetting that part of their behaviour. Some people remember things one way, some another. They may have actually forgotten, Why are you still focussing on it though? For your own peace of mind, move on, I think there is little to be gained by harking back.

I think they won’t remember.

I know specific things my parents don’t remember: me having measles; one of our Dogs! A summer job I had, at a place an older sibling had been.

I think it is also obvious what you need, to know that they wish they hadn’t done that.
I was slapped a few times and I don’t think any of us like to think about it, but I do know that my parents wish it wasn’t the case.

Recollections might vary, (sure, have an eyeroll ) but we can check whether there is a difference today about the principle. Are they Today people who will give a child a good wallop if the child needs it, or are they the sort of people who can say “well it certainly wasn’t my finest hour, and unfortunately we don’t get to do it over.”

I don't know, but my mother also completely denied it when I mentioned it to her. She wasn't just a smacker either, she used to fly into rages and hit me and on one occasion threw me across the room so I hit my head off the corner of the hearth. But she "doesn't remember" this.

To be fair I hadn’t been focusing on it much at all, and the subject of smacking it came up in conversation (I can’t remember how) and it was they who proudly came out with the comment that they never smacked me, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have brought my own experience up.

But yes, I agree. I love them and they did their best in a time where smacking was acceptable (it was possibly unacceptable to not smack unruly children). So all is forgiven, it’s just I would have respected it a lot more if they had said something like “we were just trying to parent you the only way we knew how, I wish we’d known differently… etc etc” rather than just deny it.
But who knows, maybe I would have ended up in prison if I hadn’t been smacked 😅

Same for me. Exactly the same. Mum hit me almost daily - it was just her own frustration or emotional lack of regulation. Or hormones. I was a quiet child. I don’t bring it up now as she’s too
old and it would serve no purpose. She’d never apologise or even accept it.

Wishing you happiness going forward.

You wouldn’t have ended up in prison. Smacking just teaches children violence is okay, and it’s fine for someone you love to hit you. It causes fear, not respect.

I am very glad it’s illegal here in Scotland.

I think they’re ashamed, and rightly so. But they don’t get to re-write terrible parenting.

Memories are fallible. There's a fascinating study ongoing that interviews the same Americans each year about what they remember about 9/11. And some people's recollections are completely different now compared to what they originally described. They 'remember' people they didn't see and places they were at, even though they said they were somewhere else before. They remember other people's stories as if they were their own.

Memories are not fixed. If your brother really was better behaved than you, they may have forgotten the times you 'misbehaved', as it no longer registered that you did. Or you 'remember' more times than actually occurred, because each event was so significant to you.

It's why eye witness accounts vary, witnesses are not reliable. Nobody may be lying. They may not even be mistaken in their own eyes. It doesn't mean they are gaslighting you

I agree OP. I was definitely smacked as a child, didn't do me any harm and it doesn't colour the way I feel about my parents. My mother would deny it ever happened though which I do find very odd

My mum used to do it often (also born in the 80s) and even now I flinch if she raises her arm around me and apologise profusely to her for stuff that doesn't even matter.

She however blames it on her HRT saying that it made her go funny/angry.

It's not about smacking, but my mum has completely forgotten something trivial I remember from when I was 5. She has rewritten this to be me remembering something from when I was 17m old, and tells people about it whilst I fume!

There's another example of a story she's told me for years which I recently realised is almost certainly based on my sister instead.

I think parents of young children are poor at processing short-term memories due to the sleep deprivation and hormonal drivers to forget the stuff that would stop us procreating again.

And as @Greggsit says, there are other fallibilities of memories.

It's especially annoying when you have children, as their "everyday grind" memories next to your "formative" ones, whilst you're thinking about how you are making different choices for your kids.

Ugh, sorry to hear they’re doing this, OP. This is similar to my upbringing except mine didn’t deny the smacking (that would have been kind of impossible since the last time my dad did it he broke my finger), instead I was told I deserved the smacks for ‘pushing’ them (aka just being a child, when I think back). The ‘stop crying or…’ thing was said a lot too. With my parents the denial was centred around verbal abuse. My mum systematically denied pretty much every single nasty/hurtful thing she ever said to me when I was younger. I used to be accused of ‘hearing things’ too if I ever called her out on something nasty she’d said. These things really do leave a scar. The denial of actual physical violence must be a real headf*ck, I’m sorry.

Abusive parents tend to rewrite history to suit their present narrative. They know what they did.

Do you feel happy leaving them in sole charge of your children Op?