To expect my DP to shower daily?

[toodleoothen]

I shower daily, sometimes twice a day (if I've been to the gym in the evening). Use nice natural products - I like to and do smell peachy! My DP not so much. He showers when he's exercised (which is several times a week, thankfully) or when he thinks he's sweaty or grimy. He isn't smelly as such, but I would like him to shower daily because:

• I have a very sensitive nose, and I can sniff BO across a room
• I like clean sheets, wash, iron and change them weekly, and he sleeps in his underwear (or less) so the sheets do absorb BO and even a whiff of BO on the sheets bothers me
• I like curling up with my head on his shoulder and sometimes my hair absorbs a whiff of BO too, which then keeps coming back to me the next day!

To be clear, he doesn't smell vile at all, and it is just a whiff or two of BO, but it would be easily taken care of if he showers daily. He is a sweetheart and we get along really well so please don't be unkind about him, he's one of the good uns (and I know because I've been in toxic relationships before, albeit with guys who showered daily!).

We don't live together but spend 2-3 nights a week together. So, AIBU to request and expect him to shower daily (when we are together)?

I know. Gobsmacked at the voting, especially given the comments seem mostly in favor of my asking him to shower daily, some even suggesting I end a strong and loving relationship with a kind man just coz he won't shower daily!

Is it really BO as in sweat and bacteria you are smelling, or his natural pheromones? While I am a daily showerer and married to one, I also love his natural smell and don't mind picking some of it up. I don't need everything to be pristine and pure.

Have you ever actually said to him that this bothers you? Not hinted. Not joked. Actually told him that you’d like it if he showered every day when he’s at yours.

I've mostly hinted and joked. But clearly I mean it - we even have a list up on the fridge of things for each of us to do and I've stuck 'Shower' on his. That's more than a hint surely??

Hmmm, that's an interesting point. He does believe in natural scent and such. I don't actually know for sure.

Why haven’t you had an actual conversation?

MN is littered with posts from women who would rather complain on a message board than actually directly communicate with the people in their lives. It’s really baffling.

I don't think you can joke about something like this. It's one of those laddish things that some men think is funny... stinking... but it's not funny. It's disrespectful to you.

He says 'natural scent', I smell sweat and BO, with a slight aroma of laziness.

Women are conditioned to put up with a lot. Putting up with stinky men is ridiculous. You shouldn't have to say 'I need you to shower the sooner of once a day and doing something that causes you to sweat like going to the gym, as I do not want to smell your stench. It is not funny. It is unpleasant. I do not like the smell, and it makes me want to spend less time with you in person.' And yet...

My husband used to be like this. I don’t know what changed but in the last few months he’s started showering daily and taking care of his personal hygiene (regularly shaving, moisturising etc). For him, it was because he moved from a supporting role at work to a managerial role and felt he had to present himself better. He went from working quite a dirty job to working one where he had to be presentable, taking meeting with high profile clients etc. What does he do for work? Are there other factors that mean he doesn’t shower often?

I don't shower every day; I shower after I run (which is several times a week). However, I am also not sharing a bed with anyone or getting naked. If I were, I would shower / wash beforehand. Perhaps as simple as please wash before a shag?

He has a point about his skin. I find that all shower gels, even fancy ones dry me out. I use olive oil soap called Olivia. It is cheap and Very good for my skin.

I also have a very sensitive nose OP and always shower before bed. I absolutely hate to go to bed even slightly wiffy. The idea of somebody else's unwashed body in my bed is even worse.

I'd say get him something mosisturisign to wash with while he is with you and ask Himi to get in the shower.

I have had this conversation with him but we have a playful-banter type relationship so it has been addressed with a light touch. I just wasn't sure whether I was overreacting (perhaps because of our cultural differences on this) hence the sense-check on this board.

Having sex with someone who hasn't washed is grim. And likely to lead to the female partner having UTIs and thrush . Not having a shower after sex is also grim.
I cannot understand how someone can do the most intimate things with someone but cant tell them they need a wash

Tell him that you need him to shower daily when he’s staying at your place. Completely reasonable, especially if he’s leaving BO stink on your sheets and hair. He can shower less at his own place. How can you stand having sex with him when he’s manky? Gross. And tell him to put on an antiperspirant.

Penis beaker is a legendary Mumsnet thread. Google it. It’s hilarious.

It doesn’t matter if it’s down to cultural differences (and I don’t think it is, by the way). It’s something that you, as an individual in a relationship, do not like. So you have an adult conversation with your partner about it and directly address it. Not lists on the fridge.

You cannot (and should not need to) crowd source or ‘sense check’ your preferences in this respect. A ‘playful-banter type relationship’ does not mean the complete absence of proper conversations, surely? You must be able to actually talk to this man? If not, then that’s an even bigger issue than the showering.

Showering or bathing twice a day is way over the top, bad for your skin, and wasteful IMHO.

However if he smells, that’s not good!

Here’s the thread. Enjoy!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/1875847-Do-you-dunk-your-penis

He's right, unless he has a problem with excess sweating.

@toodleoothen I’m from a hot country too. Daily showering is normal. Showering every second or third day and still going out to work or around other people is unthinkable to me. You’d have to smell bad. Maybe it’s different when there’s less sweating and a cooler climate.

And they wonder why British people are sometimes referred to as soap dodgers…

You are quite right, if it bothers me we need to address it, doesn't matter what MN thinks. We have had lots of very serious conversations over the past few years. I went through a messy divorce and he was/is a rock. We don't have bigger issues in our relationship, thankfully. I just don't want to make a big deal of something if it isn't, I guess.

We have chatted about this but oddly, the showering thing seems to be the one hill he wants to die on 😂! But, will discuss it with him again. And, show him this thread!

Glad to hear it. It honestly doesn’t have to be a massive deal. I hope the conversation goes well.

What is it with non ethnic Brits that has too many of them thinking that bathing four times a week is appropriate, especially if they are in a relationship?
As for the thought that bathing/ showering twice daily is too much...no wonder the Aussies denigrate the washing habits of too many Brits.
I'm glad that I come from a heritage culture where telling somebody to bathe because they smell frownzy is ultimately seen as an act of love.

I cannot believe the amount of women on Mumsnet who are fucking and sucking men who do not think that they are good enough to be clean for.

I had to come to Mumsnet to know that there are grown women in long term marriages that wake up to skid marks on their sheets because their husbands do not wash their tails/ gooches.

Too many on here will ignore the lack of basic home training in order to have a man.
" Because I love him" don't cut no mustard when a man does not show basic respect for himself or others.

If he exercises several times a week and showers after exercise then I think that’s adequate when he was single but when you are in a relationship I really think you should be showering daily as you are up close and personal and intimate with that person…..not sure how you would broach this with him though

Just to point out that 51% of folks have actually voted that I'm being unreasonable 😅. It's neck to neck! Since I plan on showing my DP this post tonight, can I please shamelessly canvas some votes to tip things in my favor!!!

@toodleoothen Tell him that you might be inclined to go near him more if he’s clean. A freshly showered man smells much nicer than a showered two days ago man. Get him to help change your bedsheets as he’s leaving and remind him that he made them smell gross with his dirty pits.

Are there really people getting intimate when your / your partner's genitals haven't been washed in the last day?!