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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my DP to shower daily?

124 replies

toodleoothen · 26/09/2025 10:51

I shower daily, sometimes twice a day (if I've been to the gym in the evening). Use nice natural products - I like to and do smell peachy! My DP not so much. He showers when he's exercised (which is several times a week, thankfully) or when he thinks he's sweaty or grimy. He isn't smelly as such, but I would like him to shower daily because:

  • I have a very sensitive nose, and I can sniff BO across a room
  • I like clean sheets, wash, iron and change them weekly, and he sleeps in his underwear (or less) so the sheets do absorb BO and even a whiff of BO on the sheets bothers me
  • I like curling up with my head on his shoulder and sometimes my hair absorbs a whiff of BO too, which then keeps coming back to me the next day!

To be clear, he doesn't smell vile at all, and it is just a whiff or two of BO, but it would be easily taken care of if he showers daily. He is a sweetheart and we get along really well so please don't be unkind about him, he's one of the good uns (and I know because I've been in toxic relationships before, albeit with guys who showered daily!).

We don't live together but spend 2-3 nights a week together. So, AIBU to request and expect him to shower daily (when we are together)?

OP posts:
ChristmasIsComingVerySoon · 26/09/2025 11:24

I don't shower daily and absolutely do not smell. I'm going against the grain here but I'm going to say you are unreasonable. People do not need to shower every day, there is no scientific research for that, full stop.
If it's a deal breaker for you then you need to say that and let him decide.

Mt563 · 26/09/2025 11:28

Is he still washing his pits and bits everyday though? I don't shower daily but I do a proper wash morning and night.

Sal17690 · 26/09/2025 11:29

toodleoothen · 26/09/2025 11:12

I've told him! He laughs and claims it isn't good for the skin. And, that unless he does something (very) active that day, it is unnecessary.

Show quote history

Have you been extremely blunt eg 'you may laugh but if you want to have sex with me I really need you to have showered sometime that day'

redskydelight · 26/09/2025 11:33

Are you using "shower" as a proxy for "have a proper wash"? If so, I agree that he should be keeping himself hygienically clean. This doesn't have to mean a daily shower. I'd say your level of showering is unnecessarily high.

LaughingCat · 26/09/2025 11:34

Bad BO is obviously a major ick for me, like most, but it doesn’t sound like that is what is going on here. I probably shower as much as he does, though I do a wash at the sink on the other days to keep fresh. He’s right, it’s not great for your skin or hair to be washing every day. Does he use deodorant, OP?

LaughingCat · 26/09/2025 11:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BeLilacSloth · 26/09/2025 11:35

What you wrote made me feel sick. I really don’t think I could be with someone like that. Seeing as he fails at basic hygiene I wouldn’t even consider a relationship.

Icreatedausernameyippee · 26/09/2025 11:35

I had this out with my husband. His body, his choice but it's our bed and I feel disrespected when he knows how I feel about being clean and he's inflicting his dirt on me.

SummerInSun · 26/09/2025 11:36

I know it’s cultural and that lots of people in the U.K. don’t believe you have to shower every day, but for me (from a hot country and brought up that you absolutely need to shower every day) it would be an absolute deal breaker. This idea that you don’t need to wash until you smell is disgusting - we aren’t medieval peasants.

I also can’t understand not WANTING to shower every day. That time under the lovely hot water and warm steam is so calming and restful and refreshing. Why wouldn’t you want to do that every day?!?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 26/09/2025 11:37

Lavenderflower · 26/09/2025 11:00

I bath twice a day. I expect would expect the same from my partner. This is non-negotiable. Poor hygiene is a no from me.

Two baths per day, non-negotiable? I very much doubt many people could be bothered with that. Not great for your skin, either.

popcornandpotatoes · 26/09/2025 11:40

I think a daily wash is a pretty low bar and, unless you have some kind of severe eczema or something, everyone should be doing it. Three days is gross

BCBird · 26/09/2025 11:43

You can't force him.to shower to the same schedule as you. I really wouldn't fancy snuggling up to someone or having sex with someone who hadn't showered that day to be honest.

RaspberryCloud · 26/09/2025 11:44

SummerInSun · 26/09/2025 11:36

I know it’s cultural and that lots of people in the U.K. don’t believe you have to shower every day, but for me (from a hot country and brought up that you absolutely need to shower every day) it would be an absolute deal breaker. This idea that you don’t need to wash until you smell is disgusting - we aren’t medieval peasants.

I also can’t understand not WANTING to shower every day. That time under the lovely hot water and warm steam is so calming and restful and refreshing. Why wouldn’t you want to do that every day?!?

Agree with all of this! I will never understand what the big deal is about a quick rinse in the shower every day - it takes barely any time and there are plenty of gentle products for those concerned about their skin. It also takes less time & is less messy than a flannel wash at the sink….

I am also quite sceptical of those who claim they only shower a few times a week but do not smell - I don’t think this is something you can accurately judge about yourself. I think if you spend time in a public setting (Tube, office etc) it is only polite to maintain good personal hygiene.

Mumptynumpty · 26/09/2025 11:45

SummerInSun · 26/09/2025 11:36

I know it’s cultural and that lots of people in the U.K. don’t believe you have to shower every day, but for me (from a hot country and brought up that you absolutely need to shower every day) it would be an absolute deal breaker. This idea that you don’t need to wash until you smell is disgusting - we aren’t medieval peasants.

I also can’t understand not WANTING to shower every day. That time under the lovely hot water and warm steam is so calming and restful and refreshing. Why wouldn’t you want to do that every day?!?

So many assumptions.

Some people don't WANT to shower daily. The UK is NOT a hot country and many people's homes are not modern, warm or set up for luxurious showers daily with work, commutes, kids etc.

There is a massive difference between showering daily and not washing until you smell. Seems ridiculous to have to point that foolishness out.

Using your preferences to be judgemental over others says more about you than them.

Mischance · 26/09/2025 11:55

Leave him be. All this obsessional washing is ridiculous.
Just enjoy the man tang.

Nowimhereandimlost · 26/09/2025 12:00

Ooooh yay I love a I'm-cleaner-and-therefore-better-than-you thread

SummerInSun · 26/09/2025 12:00

Mumptynumpty · 26/09/2025 11:45

So many assumptions.

Some people don't WANT to shower daily. The UK is NOT a hot country and many people's homes are not modern, warm or set up for luxurious showers daily with work, commutes, kids etc.

There is a massive difference between showering daily and not washing until you smell. Seems ridiculous to have to point that foolishness out.

Using your preferences to be judgemental over others says more about you than them.

Show quote history

Quite possibly, but the OP shares my preferences - she is asking is it ok for daily showering to be a deal breaker in a relationship? My view is yes, it would be for me too. If it isn’t for you, that’s between you and your partner.

I also include - brushing your teeth twice a day and wearing clean underpants and socks every day.

noidea69 · 26/09/2025 12:02

toodleoothen · 26/09/2025 11:09

I would say 4 times a week, perhaps. The problem is that when he visits me (because his gym isn't in my town) he isn't going to the gym, so he will shower perhaps once in the three days we are together.

Show quote history

Grim that, how hard is it for him to get in the shower.

Dweetfidilove · 26/09/2025 12:03

Lavenderflower · 26/09/2025 11:00

I bath twice a day. I expect would expect the same from my partner. This is non-negotiable. Poor hygiene is a no from me.

I am similar and wouldn't be with anyone who isn't similar.
Just no.

Jaxhog · 26/09/2025 12:05

Showering every day is unnecessary unless you are very active; and it IS bad for the skin. But any wiff of BO is unacceptable. Even if he doesn't shower every day, washed pits is essential.

louderthan · 26/09/2025 12:05

So sick of reading these threads about dirty smelly disrespectful men. Unless there is a disability or ND/sensory issues just shower!! Takes 5 minutes. I couldn’t deal with it at all

Tablesandchairs23 · 26/09/2025 12:06

Eww I shower daily. I would expect my partner to shower daily.

Beekman · 26/09/2025 12:06

Strip washing at the sink seems a lot of faff when you can just jump in the shower. Surely it’s quicker and more effective to do this?

I would expect a partner to shower before we met up to spend the night together, I don’t understand why anyone would not want to be as fresh as possible when you’re going to be spending time together naked.

Belladog1 · 26/09/2025 12:07

My x-husband would rarely wash. He would have a bath twice a week ... on a Wednesday and Sunday, whether he needed it or not 😆In the summer months if he got hot and sweaty, he might have a shower, but rarely.

I have to be honest though, he never smelt. He didn't seem to sweat and he would use deodorant and an occasional squirt of aftershave, and he always smelt lovely.

To be fair though - I never really went near his man bits, so I can't say the same about those.

Newmeagain · 26/09/2025 12:11

That stuff about washing being bad for the skin is total rubbish. Maybe using harsh products and literally spending hours in the bath, but not a quick daily shower.

in fact there are studies that show it can be beneficial even for people with skin conditions as it removes dust, pollution etc.

in the “old” days when people didn’t wash as much it was very common for people to get boils snd all sorts of other nasty skin conditions.