My friend can't win, but don't know if he should

[Witchywishy]

Not my situation, was out for dinner last night and we were talking about a mutual friend. His girlfriend is pregnant, he wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it, but she was adamant and now he is onboard and happy with the outcome.

But he is disappointed she is insisting the baby has her name. She said that because they aren't married the baby will have her name- he has asked to double barrel as a compromise and she has said she doesn't need to compromise and that's that. Apparently he's now proposed, and she's said that she would have married him pre-pregnancy but now he's only doing it for the sake of the name.

Part of me has admiration for her sticking to her guns. But part of me feels sorry for my friend. The men in the group are all pretty horrified. Apart from it not really being our business what does the hive mind think on her stance?

OMFG. The man is in his mid-forties. How long does this Snowflake Man need to launch his life/get on track?!?!

A man discussing his relationship with friends is wrong and shows lack of loyalty? Should women refrain from discussing their relationships too? Either you know very little about female friendships or you have sexist double standards.

I can’t believe the entire group, having discussed how this guy wanted his girlfriend to terminate her pregnancy or not, and, having eventually ‘got on board’, is now discussing him being ‘disappointed’ she won’t give her child his name. She’s dead right. He’s a piss-poor boyfriend and I can’t see him as a committed father.

Your friend is not husband or father material. At best, he is only a sperm donor.

Patriarchal attitudes alive and kicking there. None of them thought there was a problem until it might impact them.

YABU for feeling sorry for your friend for GF not choosing to give their DC his name when unmarried - or even if they were married!

YABU if you chose to be a ‘cool girl’ in the conversation with your male friends - who seemingly thought the patriarchy should apply.

My thoughts exactly.
They could always get married and he take her name…

As someone who gave my children their unmarried partners surname (and later split) I wish i’d have said I wanted them to have my name. My ex did ask me, but I’m pretty sure he would have kept on and on had I said I wanted them to have my surname. Especially given i’m the one who has done most of the child raising whilst he went off multiple times to work overseas. Good for her I say, and I hope she sticks to her guns.

He has made it clear that she doesn’t want a “pity” proposal, or a proposal that’s just a way for him to exert control over what the baby is called. She wants to be married to someone who loves her, values her, respects her, is prepared to support her, compromise with her and all the other things a partnership involves. This is either his chance to show her that he intends to do all this and more (in which case I daresay at some point she will gladly say yes to a proposal), or it’s his chance to show her that he is even harder work than a baby.

She is absolutely right to be cautious of his motives at this stage. What he needs to do is blindingly obvious - the fact he can’t see it, and feels some entitlement to have it all his own way rather than understanding it might be time to put someone else first, rather confirms that her instincts are correct.

A wake up call that men don't always get everything their own way?
I'd be horrified if I was the woman, no man who loves me should be thinking in terms of "leverage".

He didn't even want the baby at first and now he wants it to have his name.

A baby isn't property, I hope the men learn this as well.

Perfectly reasonable for the baby to take her name, particularly as - and I suspect she knows this - the relationship is an absolute shit show and isn’t going to last.

I don’t think either of them sound like great people, to be honest. But on the issue of the baby’s name, and marriage, she is correct.

Seriously? I thought we were talking about a group of 20 somethings!
And this is the first time any of them have been surprised at a man not getting his own way, what a load of entitled misogynistic man babies.

I applaud her for sticking to her guns, too many people get married for the sake of it and I agree it would feel like, in that situation, that he is only proposing because of the baby rather than him seeing a future with her (even if he does, it’s just how it comes across) and especially mentioning the termination…good for her

He didn't confide in one close friend. They were discussing her in a public in a group down the pub. That is disloyal. And the healthiest couples I know discuss their issues with each other.

He and his friends sound terribly sexist, if that's their attitude. Good on this woman for giving her baby her name. It's a perfectly sensible thing to do.

I wouldn't give my child a different name to me. The man would have to suck it up.

At 40, her time was running out, why should she terminate if she/they did eventually want a child in the hope that she would be able to conceive again further down the line when he felt more ready….
Your ‘friend’ sounds self absorbed and thoughtless.

I changed my name when married but wish I hadn’t, and that the kids had my name. I do all the heavy lifting. It’s medieval.

So a couple has a son and daughter. They both get the family name. However, the sons name is his name. The daughters name is her dads name. Got it.

good for you and your DH, hope this is an example to others.

I'm fairly traditional. I believe in marriage, think the ideal situation is marriage before babies, took my husband's surname, and so on. However, he knew she wanted to marry but wasn't bothered until now. I can't blame her for not wanting to marry him right now if his only reason for asking was to convince her to give the baby his name. And he had to be convinced that the baby was a good idea to begin with, so I side with her. There's always the chance that they might marry in the future, and names can be changed, too. They aren't set in stone.

Your assuming...... I'm early 30's and I have my mums last name. My children also have my last name

Far better the unmarried woman shares a name with her child, rather than advertise her foolishness in having a child with a man who wouldn't marry her, but was traditional enough to want the child to have his name.
Even more so if they split up and she ends up with the considerable inconvenience of a child who doesn't share its resident parents name.

I work in a hospital and when baby is born, the baby will always have a little tag on to say baby “mothers surname”.

The amount of men that kick off about it is hilarious. They don’t want to marry the woman they’ve reproduced with for the sake of modern standards, but want their baby to have their name put down immediately as it’s tradition?

It is also her name. How do you ever break the cycle of misogyny with naming children? You've got to start somewhere