My friend can't win, but don't know if he should

[Witchywishy]

Not my situation, was out for dinner last night and we were talking about a mutual friend. His girlfriend is pregnant, he wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it, but she was adamant and now he is onboard and happy with the outcome.

But he is disappointed she is insisting the baby has her name. She said that because they aren't married the baby will have her name- he has asked to double barrel as a compromise and she has said she doesn't need to compromise and that's that. Apparently he's now proposed, and she's said that she would have married him pre-pregnancy but now he's only doing it for the sake of the name.

Part of me has admiration for her sticking to her guns. But part of me feels sorry for my friend. The men in the group are all pretty horrified. Apart from it not really being our business what does the hive mind think on her stance?

Maybe he just doesn’t believe in marriage. Why can’t she double-barrel it? They both made the baby, seems the fairest option. Both me and partner don’t believe in marriage and our kids have both our surnames, double barrelled. Been together 15 years and still have no desire to get married, nothing to do with how much we love each other

It makes sense to me that children take their Mother's surname, whatever that may be at the time.

I have my Dad’s surname despite being married. However it’s the only surname I’ve ever had. DH has his Dad’s name, the only surname he’s ever had.

Good for her. Apart from anything, it makes sense for the baby to have the same name as the parent who presumably will do the majority of the care.

I know a girl who changed her surname by deed poll to be the same as her children because it was such a logistical headache..!

We have no idea how long these people have been together. All we know about him is that he went straight from trying to get his girlfriend to terminate her pregnancy to being ‘disappointed’ she wouldn’t give the potential baby he’d just been trying to get her to terminate his surname. Not someone I’d assume was going to hang around or be a committed father.

It's all pretty misogynistic really

She's coming from the POV that she doesn't want to have a different name to her baby, so double barrelling would have done that.

She implied very heavily pre-pregnancy she would have had no issue taking his name on marriage, but he didn't propose until very recently and now she is questioning his motivations. He only proposed when she said the baby would have her name and she wouldn't consider having a different name to her child.

She said she'll listen to his points, but there's absolutely no discussion to be had. She won't consider it at all.

I mean I think it's unfair to not give the baby the mans name as well if he's a decent guy, so I can only assume he mustn't be a decent guy, especially seeing as she thinks he's only proposing to her to give the baby his name. I mean if this is the case why are they even together?

I just think if I didn't trust a man enough to give my baby his name as double barrel then that's not good enough trust for a solid relationship.

I know quite a few people who, despite not being married to the fathers of their children, have given their children their father's name. I can't understand that, and think it's an outdated notion.

As for the men in the OPs story being shocked, they perhaps examine why the baby should have the sperm provider's surname rather than the woman who is growing the baby inside her. I certainly wouldn't want to have a different name to my dc.

If I was getting married now, rather than 30 years ago, I wouldn't change my name and I would want my kids to have my surname not my H's .

Why is it unfair? There's no logical reason to give the baby the man's surname.

Good for her! 😄

there’s nothing he can actually do about it so he’s going to have to suck it up.

All on his terms isn't it. she sounds brilliant and strong and capable. More power to her!! and to all women!

I mean an engagement is not a marriage. So unless his plan is to actually marry her before the baby arrives her starting point is still the same.

No marriage, not his surname.

Again though his also shown she’s only worth actually marrying to give a baby he didn’t want his surname. Gross.

Well she doesn't have to, and there's nothing he can do about it.

Agree. He sounds like he's just fobbing her off with a proposal. and she's 40, when is the magical 'later' for her to have a baby?

Whether she likes it or not, he’s the child dad and his name should be included. She’s putting her wants over what’s right for the baby imo. If the child chooses as an adult to drop one name, they can

Good for her. The man is taking the piss. Why would she want to give his name to her baby?!

She’s very sensible.
We weren’t married when I had our first baby and never considered her having his surname.
By time we had our other children, we were married and all had same surname.
I know of several women who gave the father’s name, they then had massive trouble changing the surname when they broke up and/or married someone else.
It can also make travelling awkward.
I work in a hospital and it can also make it harder for next of kin/signing forms if you have a different surname than your child.

Since when does having or not having your father’s surname become a doing what’s right for the baby?

Nobody ever seems to argue the women the person carrying and birthing should definitely have her name in there otherwise the dad is only thinking of himself.

I hope the babies a girl and then all those sexist views can bugger off anyway as if she had her dads surname it would clearly only be borrowed till she got married so completely irrelevant 😂

Sorry but he fucked up- play stupid games win stupid prizes. I can’t believe she is still with his to be honest, but if you want a history lessons it has ways been the case a baby takes mums name, under a patriarchal Christian society it just happened the mother was generally married to the father.

Your mate should concentrate on proving himself to be a good bloke and dad then maybe in time she will reconsider her position.

She probably has an inkling that their relationship won't last the course and doesn't want to be left with the irritation of her child sharing the surname of a relatively uninvolved dad.

If she's proved wrong and they end up getting married and he's fully involved, they can always change the child's name but the chances of him agreeing to change his child's name should the relationship break down and she be left as primary carer are presumably fairly small.

Did you miss the bit where until five minutes ago he was trying to persuade her to abort, and now he’s trying to manipulate her into getting his name on the baby? He’s not ‘the baby’s dad’. At the moment he’s a sperm donor. He may become the baby’s dad with time, effort and devotion, but that remains to be seen.

I'd do the same as her.

I mean, I feel like I've read all the responses but I still don't know how long they've been together. I think it impacts how I feel about it.

However: on just reading the OP, I thought they were a short term couple and it sounded a bit mad that he was offering to marry her just to get the name on the child (which might sound like a weird way of putting it but that's basically what he's doing)

Now that I've read some of OP's further comments, I can see that she is 40, and he is older than that (but has 'always wanted to be a father but wasn't ready yet' that Peter Pan energy is not attractive in a middle aged man). If they've been together for a while I'm guessing this is her first child? So if she ever wanted to be a mum, she obviously was not going to terminate this pregnancy and yet he was encouraging her to do so initially??

Honestly the more I know about this guy, the less impressed I am. WELL DONE to her for sticking to her guns; if they're a long term relationship, he should have wanted to marry her by now if he wanted to at all, and he's now only wanting to do it because of this baby.

He sounds like he has massive commitment issues if he's made it to his mid-40s and he's still dithering about what he wants in life.

I'm not sure why anyone would make this a mens rights issue. He wanted her to fucking terminate the baby a few months ago. (I have nothing at all against a woman needing to make that choice, btw!) Now he wants to name it. Maybe he needs to calm tf down and just be happy that he's about to be a father? Grow up a bit and maybe a few years down the road they can revisit the topic, if he's still around and they get married? Names can be changed.

Sounds like he’s punching above his weight dating a woman much smarter than him!