My friend can't win, but don't know if he should

[Witchywishy]

Not my situation, was out for dinner last night and we were talking about a mutual friend. His girlfriend is pregnant, he wasn't sure initially if he wanted her to keep it, but she was adamant and now he is onboard and happy with the outcome.

But he is disappointed she is insisting the baby has her name. She said that because they aren't married the baby will have her name- he has asked to double barrel as a compromise and she has said she doesn't need to compromise and that's that. Apparently he's now proposed, and she's said that she would have married him pre-pregnancy but now he's only doing it for the sake of the name.

Part of me has admiration for her sticking to her guns. But part of me feels sorry for my friend. The men in the group are all pretty horrified. Apart from it not really being our business what does the hive mind think on her stance?

I'm not married but happily with my partner - he's the one that doesn't want to get married. I offered double-barrelled or just my surname and partner said he was happy for our children to just have my surname since I'd grown, birthed and fed our children.

All discussed and agreed way before children on the scene.

Good for her. Ot sounds like she knows her own mind and knows what's what.
No way would I give my child a different surname to mine.

I'm in agreement with you that neither of them sound like they should be having a baby.

She may actively have been trying to get pregnant. If he'd used a condom he could have reduced that risk.
His initial reaction was to not want the baby. So why not take precautions to stop this from happening.
I get this woman's attitude of you didn't want the baby, now I've decided to go it alone you have changed your mind, and asked me to marry you, so you get your own way.

I may be biased as what OP describes could have been my life 20 years ago.
He only asked me to marry him so baby would have his last name. Then at a family event on his side, I over heard his sisters talking in the bathroom that they had 'won' baby would get his last name and he wasn't going to marry me. His reaction when I asked him about what I over heard said it all. I returned the ring that night.
He did one in 2009 and hasn't seen our child since, so yeah I made the right choice giving baby my last name.

So why not call baby her name see if its serious, get married then change babies name and hers. There are several ways they could go about changing or naming the baby.
In the end if she really wants her last name she will register the baby without him.

good on you, girl.

she shouldn't marry him - but if she does, she better keep her name!

Good for her. She is very sensible

Because this guy sounds like such a catch as a co-parent?!

So everyone comes into marriage with two names, in that case, correct? Does each parent pick the one they like best for their child? And almost everyone in Spain has two last names?

Are they hyphenated?

It's some kind of revelation to this bunch of middle aged men that women they impregnate without making any commitment to might not fall immediately into line with their wishes regarding planning for the baby? Wow. Well better late than never I guess

Good on her, I agree.

Yes, traditionally it's the patrilineal name that is passed down but modern families tend to choose, and yes

This is such a tired argument. Why is her name her dad’s, but his is his own, not his dad’s? It’s her name.

Good Lord

🤣🤣🤣.

I remember going on a few dates with a guy whose brother had just got married. My date was horrified that within a year of getting married the wife was pregnant. He said that if he marries he wants more time just enjoying being married. I asked how long they had been together, his brother and his brother‘s wife. My date replied that they had been together for eight years before marriage and she was now 38! I told him that they don’t have years to wait that they need to get started immediately especially if they want more than one, and he disagreed he just seemed so confused by what I was saying.

Clueless!

It's your name once it's given to you when you're born. You may share it with your father but it's not borrowed from him!

I think your friends needs to grow up and focus on supporting the mother of the child he created rather than going round trying to garner sympathy by moaning about her behind her back. Telling the world and its mother he didn't want the child and then expecting everything to be done his way when he deigns to change his mind. If he proves himself a good father and partner his proposal will likely be accepted in due course and the child can take his name then.

I was thinking this. That poor pregnant woman, being discussed in a group behind her back down the pub. Her boyfriend has NO loyalty to her at all. He would not be discussing her and their private life like this if he did. He'd be trying to sort it out with HER. No way is he a team with her. Horrible lot. You all sound about 15.

These men seem very entitled about a baby that the woman is carrying for 9 months and ravaging her body to have.

I think society needs to become more matrilineal.

I think your judgment is clouded by wanting to support your friend - but unfortunately he doesn’t sound like great husband and father material. His girlfriend is 100% right, your friend should step up and show he can be a supportive partner and good father before suggesting marriage and demanding the child has his name.

Why does her boyfriend own his name but she does not own hers?

They sound as bad as each other. If she wanted to get married pre pregnancy she should have proposed. Why is it his job?

Just sound they both like to play games and now he'll probably never marry her which i bet wasn't the plan

Well, when one reads complete nonsense like the OP’s, you’d have to say they have a point…

Me too.

Hang on, wait. This sounds like someone who's 28 or younger. The gf is 40. So how old is HE? If he's a similar age, then he's being ridic. Also, he probably knows that since his gf is 40, there's not much time for her. When he says later would be better, I bet he means that he planned to break up with the gf and find someone younger to have a kid with when he's ready. Which would explain why he didn't want to marry her.

Yes, it is complicated in the sense that many women are given their father’s surname at birth and that chain does need to be broken somehow.

Nonetheless, her name, which she likely shares with her father (although I don’t think we know that for sure?) is also now hers by virtue of her having had it her whole life (just thinking basic philosophy here around naming and identity). More hers than her partner’s is certainly, and I can understand her preferring to pass that name to her baby.

At some point, I hope that more women choose to or are in a position to break the chain of the father’s name automatically being passed on. Until that happens, in giving the child their own name, they are also likely giving it their own father’s name, but I still think that, or double-barrelling, or choosing a new name, are significantly preferable to simply giving the child the father’s name.

I think all babies should have, or at the very least include, the mother's name. They do all the heavy lifting, frankly.

So he wanted to kill this child and refused to marry her and now he's graciously changed his mind and wants the baby (he wants to kill) to have his name?

LOL. I feel sorry for the baby who has to have such an arsehole for a father.