My teenage daughter hates her ethnicity

[ByCoralZebra]

My daughter is 17 and she was born in Hong Kong. We moved to the UK when she was 13 but her dad still works in Hong Kong. I'm wasian and her dad's fully cantonese. We are planning to stay with her dad in Hong Kong the upcoming holidays and dd is very upset about it. She has a few friends there that she can meet up with and she loves hiking with her dad. But whenever the trip is mentioned she burst into tears.

She says she doesn't like Hong Kong because she thinks the culture is mean and rude. I asked her why she thinks that and she said there's a general culture of being ill wishing and unkind. I asked her for an example of there while she was in Hong Kong and she couldn't give me any.

In her cohort now there is 3 girls (including her) that are from Hong Kong, and they are all friends. It turns out that her horrible impression of HKers now comes from them. One of those girls' dad is a doctor and the girl would tell my dd how her dad would tell her how his patients are fat and deserve it as they smoke. She would tell her how being rational and direct is just cantonese culture. I of course told dd I, along with a lot of HKers would find that abhorrent and it is absolutely NOT cantonese culture and that it's an excuse.

The other day my daughter's cohort had a lady come talk to them about road safety whose son had died in a car crash after drink driving. Most of her cohort, including her had cried a bit and the 2 friends called her emotional and talked about how the son deserved it and how they think the mum is attention seeking and pretentious. I of course told her that is very unkind of them and there's nothing wrong with crying.

Once my daughter was excitedly showing them a dress online that she really likes and they said that her boobs are too small for it and started comparing her to her friend who had worn the dress before to an event. She was secretly upset about it. And one of them likes making "tsk" noises at people for things as minor as something accidentally brushed past her and already apologized and apparently those are all HK cultures and not a problem if you're cantonese.

I do not agree with anything above and made that clear to dd and that they were just using HK as an excuse. However dd is still very reluctant to go for the trip and bursts into tears everytime it's mentioned. We are going because DH couldn't take more than 5 days off work, which means it would be impossible for him to come visit us in the UK. I am at such a lost and dd now hates being cantonese. Argh!

She's probably just trying to figure out her identity and this is probably just a phase. Plus it must be pretty hard to be a non-white teen in the UK right now, as there is so much hate. When did she last spend time in HK?

In your shoes, I don't think I would argue the toss with her about it. Asking for examples and clarification is good, because it will push her to think about stuff more. Just listen to what she wants to say and let her hear for herself when she is being unreasonable. She will figure it out.

Regarding the trip, does she not want to see her dad?

Are you sure its not her 'friends' who are upsetting her? Have you spoken to her about how her friends seem very nasty?

Because surely she remembers Hong Kong and has visited between 13 and 17?

She is part white but anyways we haven't experienced any hate in the UK. We are very lucky. She last spent time in HK last December. She wants to see her dad but doesn't want it to happen in HK.

I just knew about all those things I have listed and I have told her I definitely don't agree with the behaviour and that she doesn't need to feel like she has to be friends with them.

I think going away could actually be a good thing, it gets her away from these horrible “friends” and gives her the chance to experience HK again as a teenager and make up her own mind. I don’t know about the culture in HK personally but I know for sure that her “friends” are nasty minded girls who are using their ethnicity to excuse their bad behaviour. Doesn’t she have good memories from when she lived there, and surely she wants to see her dad?

Sounds like the trip could be good for her. A real world counter to her "friends" claims.

Is there an thing else going on that could be a concern? Such as is she worried about meeting old friends and not finding them as they were before?

No she was actually excited to meet her old friends they have kept in contact on social media.

I am having a chat with her now and she just told me that before athletics carnival at school, they were telling her how she would come last and embarrass herself when she (she's not very athletic) wanted to give the non-competitive race a go. And when dd was a bit upset they said it's called being direct the cantonese way. I am so surprised by it all to be honest.

Remind her that there are nice people and nasty people in every culture. Ask her if she would still think the same way about HK if you were the only other person she knew from there.

Teenagers often fixate on one thing the hate about themselves. I think it’s a way of channeling a lot of the difficult emotions of adolescence.

People aren’t nice or nasty because of their ethnicity, her friends sound a bit bitchy and unkind - this is not limited to girls of HK origin!

I wouldn’t dismiss her concerns but I don’t think they are significant in themselves, she needs help to put things in perspective

Remind her that people who bitch about other people and talk about them negatively are usually unhappy unfulfilled people, who are worried about their own image or place in society and who put others down to make themselves feel better - although she should keep that to herself and not under any circs say that to these girls!

That the majority of people we come into contact with on holiday are nice. If they were horrible nobody would go on holiday!! Lots of people go and the hospitality industry is huge.

And that if her friends are bitchy it could be that they are under a lot of pressure from social media to look a certain way or whatever and that’s why it’s not good for young people to be on it too much. She can always choose to hang with other friends if they get too annoying. And not to worry about her figure, strapless padded push up bras can work wonders on a dress if boob size to fill up a dress bust is an issue.

She needs to recognise she is being bullied, she seems to think they are simply acting in a Cantonese way. They’re not. They’re bullying her.

She said well you are my mum it's different.

Her friends sound vile! I think they are at the root of all her problems tbh.

She needs to form her own identity and stop listening to her mates and being impressionable! There is good and bad in every country and culture.

It sounds like they're just using their ethnicity as an excuse to bully her. She needs new friends!

Her friends sounds unkind and perhaps she needs to move away from them.

Having said that, I can understand a bit. Having lived in HK there are cultural norms that are different to the UK and that does include things such as commenting on weight and there can be a bluntness to conversation.

However, perhaps she could benefit from being reminded of all the wonderful things about HK, it's ways of life and it's people.

Cantonese people are, on the whole, welcoming and keen to get to know people. I have always found HK'ers to be helpful and interested, and very keen to share their culture. There are many aspects of life in the UK that I struggled with when I came back from living in HK - such as the drinking culture in the UK, the unsafe feeling of public transport in some places at night, swearing in public, and a lack of willingness to learn about others.

I hope your daughter can come to be proud of being Cantonese and enjoy her time in HK.

I would look at this as a peer bullying problem rather than a cultural issue. See how things are when you get back, but it might be worth encouraging other friendships and speaking to the school.

Yes my daughter mentioned the weight comments and the bluntness and she is sensitive and cares a lot about speaking nicely so she really doesn't like this.

Well then it's not ethnicity is it? She's British and has British values.

What do you mean?

Having said that, I can understand a bit. Having lived in HK there are cultural norms that are different to the UK and that does include things such as commenting on weight and there can be a bluntness to conversation

I was about to say the same. You are probably used to it, so not seeing/hearing it in the same way as she does @ByCoralZebra , but I do think that in comparison to most of us, HKers are more blunt, and the tone of voice and accent can make those blunt words sound more harsh to our ears.

I think it would possibly help for you to acknowledge this, and explain to her that its a relatively superficial part of the culture and not intended to hurt.

No it is called being a bitch. They are not friends and she needs to dump them.

When you said "hates her ethnicity" I took you to be referring to the characteristics that are nature rather than nurture, i.e. the characteristics she cannot change.
But the bluntness she takes objection to doesn't stem from nature -- it's cultural. She's grown up with British politeness, but this has nothing to do with ethnicity (as I understand the term).

Yes in retrospect I should have said her culture instead

Ah, okay. In which case you might just keep pressing on the "give me examples from actual HK rather than just the mean girls at school" angle.