My teenage daughter hates her ethnicity

[ByCoralZebra]

My daughter is 17 and she was born in Hong Kong. We moved to the UK when she was 13 but her dad still works in Hong Kong. I'm wasian and her dad's fully cantonese. We are planning to stay with her dad in Hong Kong the upcoming holidays and dd is very upset about it. She has a few friends there that she can meet up with and she loves hiking with her dad. But whenever the trip is mentioned she burst into tears.

She says she doesn't like Hong Kong because she thinks the culture is mean and rude. I asked her why she thinks that and she said there's a general culture of being ill wishing and unkind. I asked her for an example of there while she was in Hong Kong and she couldn't give me any.

In her cohort now there is 3 girls (including her) that are from Hong Kong, and they are all friends. It turns out that her horrible impression of HKers now comes from them. One of those girls' dad is a doctor and the girl would tell my dd how her dad would tell her how his patients are fat and deserve it as they smoke. She would tell her how being rational and direct is just cantonese culture. I of course told dd I, along with a lot of HKers would find that abhorrent and it is absolutely NOT cantonese culture and that it's an excuse.

The other day my daughter's cohort had a lady come talk to them about road safety whose son had died in a car crash after drink driving. Most of her cohort, including her had cried a bit and the 2 friends called her emotional and talked about how the son deserved it and how they think the mum is attention seeking and pretentious. I of course told her that is very unkind of them and there's nothing wrong with crying.

Once my daughter was excitedly showing them a dress online that she really likes and they said that her boobs are too small for it and started comparing her to her friend who had worn the dress before to an event. She was secretly upset about it. And one of them likes making "tsk" noises at people for things as minor as something accidentally brushed past her and already apologized and apparently those are all HK cultures and not a problem if you're cantonese.

I do not agree with anything above and made that clear to dd and that they were just using HK as an excuse. However dd is still very reluctant to go for the trip and bursts into tears everytime it's mentioned. We are going because DH couldn't take more than 5 days off work, which means it would be impossible for him to come visit us in the UK. I am at such a lost and dd now hates being cantonese. Argh!

@ByCoralZebra I can’t believe this wasn’t your first reaction. They are using being cantonese to bully your daughter. Being Wasian is seen as preferential in East Asian cultures and UK culture in your kids generation, the fact that those two seem to pick and bully your daughter is a series safeguarding issue. I would be speaking to the school and letting them know about the evil atitutude of the other two girls. You also need to separate your daughter from then Asap! Get her into a few hobbies where she can make some normal friends. And shut thia abusive shit down!

Not as ‘awkward’ as dealing with a kid who’s had all her confidence destroyed. Your child is being bullied, the long term consequences could be catastrophic. You need to deal with it now.

Sounds like these two friends might just be going through a phase of being horrid teenage girls and are trying to get away with it on the basis of "ethnicity". "I'm not rude and mean, it's my culture!" "You can't be angry with me for saying that, it's my culture!"

Tbh I cannot speak for Cantonese but mainland Chinese are very direct and they’ll just casually call you fat or ugly and it’s not
meant to hurt you but is merely a statement of fact.

You must have told already her this, so she should widen her circle of friends if she finds it hurtful (which it is if you take it seriously). Maybe they don’t want to conform to British cultural norms but your daughter doesn’t have to accept this treatment from them.

(Though I find British male culture of continually slagging each other off as a show of affection very strange as well)

The “friends” sound like nasty, ignorant bullies. I’d suggest you speak with her class teachers and tell them what’s happening, and look at moving DD’s school if needs be. What a toxic group of girls they sound.

There are cultural differences, Hong Kong kong can be unpleasant for some people (think specifically if you are not white or chinese, I know cantonese speaking people from those cohorts and their experience is different from white peoples).

Asian people generally are a lot more blunt than British people, thats true. However her friends are just awful people, it’s simple as that. She doesn’t have to see them and she’s more likely to enjoy her time out there if she doesn’t hang out with them. She’s got other friends to hang out with. It’s ok to ditch toxic people.

Not at all there are racism in HK but definitely not against half white people.

These so called ‘friends’ are not friends in any sense at all. Their unkindness, their critical comments exhibit a very nasty side to their natures. They are influencing your daughter in a very negative way.

If she's 17 she's old enough to decide for herself. Don't force her to go.

Why did you uproot her aged 13 but leave dad behind? Do you think she’d be happier back in HK?

I mean I never know but it was a family decision and all of us are happy with the arrangement.

There are two separate issues here:

1. Your daughter’s anxiety about the trip. For this one, I’d say there’s no point telling her ‘not’ to feel worried; so instead you sympathise and tell her that you can talk to her every day and if anyone is blunt or rude to her she can rant about them to you afterwards and you can maybe laugh together about it. You could plan a nice activity for when she’s back? Or buy her a diary with a lock and tell her she can write down her experiences, good and bad, to help process them. She is a Third Culture Kid (my kids are too) and that can be hard sometimes (you can feel like you don’t truly belong anywhere) but I tell my kids that it’s also a super-power! It gives them great understanding and adaptability, it makes them very kind and thoughtful to others than don’t completely ‘fit in’ for whatever reason, and, IMO, they have a better cultural sensitivity and understanding of world issues than many other children their age.
2. The second, and major, problem is her friends. Their behaviour is not good ok. They are ruining her self esteem. She needs to find tools so she can stand up for herself when she say horrible things. Something like “Why would you want to say something like that to me?” or “There’s blunt and there’s plain rude; that was just rude”. Or “You have a right to say what you want, but I have the right to walk away” I’d also tell her that true friends are happy for you and encourage you, not attempt to drag you down, and advise her to widen her circle of friendship so she’s less dependent on these mean girls. Personally, I’d recommend that she ditch them and find new friends altogether but realise that that’s a big ask for a teenager! Ask her what she would advise YOU (or a younger sibling if she has one?) if you (or they) were the one being spoken to like that? Would she think it ok?

For what it’s worth, teens worry about stuff and have friendship issues in every country of the world and whether or not they stay put or move around. This is hard. But it also a great opportunity to let your daughter know that you believe in her and are proud of who she is, that you will be there for her, and that she can be strong and stand up for herself while not losing her kind and thoughtful nature.

I wish you and your daughter all the best.

She needs to ditch these bitches. They are not actual friends.

Seems like it’s her mean girl friends who are the issue, not her ethnicity. Try and make her see that a couple of unpleasant individuals are tainting her view of an entire population. Also find friends who aren’t so uncaring and bitchy.

Does she know hk well? I was amazed when I visited it many years ago that the mountains inland away from the city actually looked like those sparse, bare mountains with random trees that you see on the pictures you find in restaurants. Quite spectacular.
I’m sure there is a lot to be proud of there.

It sounds like her friends really aren't friends & are using their 'culture' to be shitty people. There's a guy in our street who's from Hong Kong & he is just the sweetest

Her "friends" are horrible and nasty.

I’ve voted YABU.

These are not her friends. They’re nasty, bitchy bullies and you need to take action on that.

I would say so we also went there last year and she could go places herself. And there's where dd goes hiking with her dad!

She's been infected by the woke mind virus to think that all western cultures are evil.

I have a friend who is Hong Kong Chinese, and she gave us a lot of examples of how, what was completely reasonable behaviour to her as a child and early adulthood got her in a lot of trouble. She got banned from group work at Uni until she had done some sort of therapy.

She now talks about how strange it is going back to HK because her family’s bluntness feels rude and offensive. As an adult she is able to laugh at being told her bottom is very big. She finds it funny but she is a forty year old woman who has had time to process all this.

I’ve never been so can only relate her stories (and I’ve heard similar from people I know less well), that there is a cultural difference.

Whether it’s culturally based or personality based in your daughter’s situation, maybe what will help her is understanding that she doesn’t have to put up with that from the girls or anyone else. She can report the girls or at the very least distance herself, she can practice comebacks for rudeness, so that she feels in control of it. Ultimately she is going to HK to spend time with family and you say they are not like this so she shouldn’t be exposed to that sort of thing - unless there is something else not being communicated here?

I don't understand, if she knows HK so well why does she believe these girls? You say she already has friends in HK too?

Is there something else at play here? Does she actually want to go?

Sounds like she's being bullied. I'd bet there's more going on than she's told you OP.

That sounds like a 'friends' problem not an ethnicity one.