My teenage daughter hates her ethnicity

[ByCoralZebra]

My daughter is 17 and she was born in Hong Kong. We moved to the UK when she was 13 but her dad still works in Hong Kong. I'm wasian and her dad's fully cantonese. We are planning to stay with her dad in Hong Kong the upcoming holidays and dd is very upset about it. She has a few friends there that she can meet up with and she loves hiking with her dad. But whenever the trip is mentioned she burst into tears.

She says she doesn't like Hong Kong because she thinks the culture is mean and rude. I asked her why she thinks that and she said there's a general culture of being ill wishing and unkind. I asked her for an example of there while she was in Hong Kong and she couldn't give me any.

In her cohort now there is 3 girls (including her) that are from Hong Kong, and they are all friends. It turns out that her horrible impression of HKers now comes from them. One of those girls' dad is a doctor and the girl would tell my dd how her dad would tell her how his patients are fat and deserve it as they smoke. She would tell her how being rational and direct is just cantonese culture. I of course told dd I, along with a lot of HKers would find that abhorrent and it is absolutely NOT cantonese culture and that it's an excuse.

The other day my daughter's cohort had a lady come talk to them about road safety whose son had died in a car crash after drink driving. Most of her cohort, including her had cried a bit and the 2 friends called her emotional and talked about how the son deserved it and how they think the mum is attention seeking and pretentious. I of course told her that is very unkind of them and there's nothing wrong with crying.

Once my daughter was excitedly showing them a dress online that she really likes and they said that her boobs are too small for it and started comparing her to her friend who had worn the dress before to an event. She was secretly upset about it. And one of them likes making "tsk" noises at people for things as minor as something accidentally brushed past her and already apologized and apparently those are all HK cultures and not a problem if you're cantonese.

I do not agree with anything above and made that clear to dd and that they were just using HK as an excuse. However dd is still very reluctant to go for the trip and bursts into tears everytime it's mentioned. We are going because DH couldn't take more than 5 days off work, which means it would be impossible for him to come visit us in the UK. I am at such a lost and dd now hates being cantonese. Argh!

(And make sure you prime her dad to arrange social time with the most polite of his friends.)

I personally I would gently say that your experience of the culture is very different to that of her friends. You would really like her to come on this trip so that she can see for herself what it is like and experience it again. She might find ahe disagrees with her friends. But if she goes and decides for herself based on her visit that she would rather not go again then you will respect that.

Do you think she's worried you'll decide to move back?

I would also entirely separately to this remind her that friends are meant to be a positive presence in our lives that make us feel good. It doesn't sound like these girls are doing that.

You need to get her away from these girls they sound horrendously toxic and complete bitches …..she will be damaged if she continues to associate with them…..this is the problem that you need to focus on, the rest will resolve itself I believe if you resolve this

Has she watched films like Mean Girls or Crazy Rich Asians? Does that make all white rich girls mean, or all rich Asians crazy? She needs to learn how stereotypes can be used for good and evil, and use her critical thinking skills. Surely her friends in HK aren't mean by default?

These girls are just finding an excuse to be mean bullies. Maybe you and DD could look at the school's bullying policy together.

I feel for her, the teenage years are always difficult and it must be hard to grow up in the UK when there is so little positive representation of her culture and a lot of racism and xenophobia around. I also think that these girls sound like bullies.

Could you interest her in Hong Kong celebrities/movies/pop culture/food culture/history? Anything to make her enthusiastic about it.

Those girls are not her friends! Stress to her that she doesn’t have to hang out with them just because of her ethnicity/culture. Bullies are extremely good at honing in on victims, then sniffing out their insecurities. This is what those girls have done.

It’s not a HK thing, it’s bullying and meanness. Any girl could do i, “I’m just speaking plainly”, “That’s what we’re like in X Place - we tell it how it is” etc etc.

I’d guess your DD is partly scared of not quite fitting in and partly scared of meeting more bullies like her friends! They’ve probably convinced her she’s ‘weak’ so she’s now scared that she’ll go to HK and be upset by innocent, direct comments. This is all those girls doing. That’s what you need to stop. They’re removing all your DD’s confidence.

She's more Asian than white as she's roughly only 25% white. So she may feel/look "different" regardless of being part white.

More importantly, as we like to say on MN (re: she has a dh problem), your daughter has a friends' problem, not a cultural or ethnicity problem.

Does she know people from HK - like family, your Asian side of the family, dh's side? Are they this mean? If not, then it's those friends. I'd be encouraging her to find new ones and tell her those friends aren't nice people.

Yes some cultures have a more blunt, honest way of speaking that comes across harsh and some topics aren't taboo to speak on, but that's not what's happening here. Those girls are mean bullies on top of the cultural aspects. You can tell the difference.

This sounds more like a friendship issue between girls, with inaccurate stereotypes about Hong Kong layered over the top because they have a common background. These girls don't sounds like friends. If they were, she would be able to relax in their company and they would build her up, not shoot her down. She needs new and better friends. Alongside telling her that Hong Kong has the same breadth of characters as any other place, I think you need to encourage her to foster friendships with other girls, whether they are from Hong Kong or not.

Your daughter's friends are using their ethnicity as an excuse to be nasty. There are good and bad people, regardless of their nationality or ethnicity. These girl's aren't your daughter's friends at all. They are deliberately nasty, and seem to enjoy upsetting her. Personally, I think the trip to HK would actually be good for your daughter. Not only will it give her the opportunity to experience Cantonese culture again for herself, in a positive light but it will remove her from this friendship group. Encourage your daughter to make new friends, and try and steer her away from these girls, as they are toxic.

Lots of sensible comments here. I would add something else. Social media is very very reductive about cultures. I think teens that use a lot of it can be exposed to really tiny cliches about societies and cultures which allows a lot of meanness to happen - “haha that’s just how it is in HK, Britain, insert county name”.

I’m not sure these 2 girls are your daughter’s friends. They sound mean. That sounds like the root of the problem.

Your poor daughter. These "friends" sound absolutely awful! And by the sounds of it at least one has quite a nasty dad, and is probably pretty miserable herself.

Does she feel she has to stick with these girls? Are there any other girls in her class that she likes who she could gradually start spending more time with?

I think that the trip will probably be positive. First it will be a good reminder that most Cantonese people are not like these girls. And second, a bit of space away from them and some time to reflect on what a nice and caring friendship looks like.

It sounds like they are really getting to her and if I were you I would try and support her to develop friendships with some nicer, more sensitive girls.

But IIRC she is at school in the UK, so surely UK cultural norms should be encouraged?

Not that I’ve ever known anyone from HK who would be as blatantly rude as these teenagers seem to be!

Your daughter is being bullied, that’s the issue here.

her friends sound horrible-i just call it being a bitch whereever youre from

Hi why do bully's have so much pull. I remember some from my school days, I always wanted to be accepted into their gang, yet they picked on me daily. This was way before the Internet etc. You daughter needs other distractions, keep busy, and get her to realise she just doesn't need them.

Oh no she knows this is just a trip and she knows the date we come back to the UK.

These girls are the ones most likely to arrange outings etc. but she has a best friend and some other friends outside of these girls.

Also, I just found out that these girls are telling her to stop being friendly with so many people as most people in the grade dislike her! I am so surprised honestly and luckily dd didn't listen to that......

These girls are not her friends. Friends don’t treat each other like that. It also looks like the apple hasn’t fallen too far from the tree, with her school friend behaving much like her awfully unprofessional and unkind GP dad.

Are there any alternative nice girls on the outside of groups, your dd needs to build new friendships with small steps.

Her friends are utter bitches-this is not confined to any ethnicity.

The girls are clearly jealous of her, trying their best to make her feel unhappy with herself and insecure. Your DD needs to stop being their friend and
stop giving them her time and attention. Time to grow some boundaries

I know HK itself isn’t the problem but maybe she needs more experience to realise that. Can you get China visas this summer (if you need them) and spend a good bit of time exploring more of China beyond Hong Kong SAR to give her a more balanced perspective and more experience of China so she feels more comfortable in her own skin away from her impression of these girls? I live not too far from HK on the mainland and it’s such a friendly place here! People can be blunt but in a kind/funny way. Shenzhen is just lovely and Guangzhou has a lot to recommend it, without going too far and still being in Canton region for language. More experience with China might help her find her place with that side of her ethnicity without it being all about HK, and identify with something bigger than the version these nasty girls are peddling.

They sit together in some classes and it might be very awkward to suddenly change seats

How could you be surprised, you were aware these girls were nasty pieces of work

I just heard about all this yesterday