To think you don’t need to live a particularly “uncomfortable” life to be happy?

[IWasScaredToBeHeld]

Inspired by another thread about a 27 year old who doesn’t go clubbing etc.

im 26 and it really got me wondering.

my evenings are spent going to the gym, having a nice long hot shower and then reading (at this time of year, in front of the fire!). I spend my weekends meal prepping, seeing friends for coffee and relaxing. I go on holidays but they’re usually a city break to do something, not anything particularly challenging. I’d not go backpacking around Asia, for example. I have a decent job with decent progression opportunities but nothing groundbreaking. I’d like a boyfriend but OLD is awful and there’s no sort of clubs I could go to to meet someone in my area.

AIBU to think that’s enough? I’m happy and content with where I am in life!

Your problem will be if you get to 35, suddenly decide you want kids and then grab the first person that comes along to satisfy that requirement, who turns out to be wholly unsuitable as a father and long term life partner.

OLD is only as good as the filters you apply to it. Go for a paid site and see whether anyone turns up of high quality who piques your interest. Throw away the rest. The longer you are on it, the more likely someone is to turn up that interests you and you have the advantage of time. At 25 you can throw back 99% of the people to find the very best. At 40 and you want to have kids then you won't be able to have that level of discrimination.

I had the big competitive job with all the nights out and projects and awards and was so burnt out that I used to fantasise about being run over by a bus so I could rest in hospital for a week.

I left and don't have that lifestyle anymore and am sooo much happier. I actually have free time, and time with my children. My life is not enviable anymore by those status signifier standards, but in terms of my family, my work/life balance, my health, even my physical appearance...I'm so much better off. There are ups and downs to both, and when I was working we thought anyone who left was mad, and there are parts of it I miss, but now I totally get choosing something less outwardly desirable but more personally beneficial.

You don't have to justify your choices to anyone but yourself.

You sound very happy. I’ve always been happy with each stage of my life but one downside is I never experienced the push of unhappiness to make me try something different. Does that make sense?

For example I was always happy living my life and left it too late to have children of my own. So my only advice would be if you do want to have a family you need to actively make it happen. It won’t just occur like it did in all the novels I read !

I think there has been a huge generational shift and things are different for people your age. That’s probably for the best as most young people will never be able to afford to do what the generation above did.

I think you are also more mindful and health conscious - you know that one cannot do it all, burn the candle at both ends and have it all. You set better boundaries to protect yourself from working too hard. My generation can’t get out of that mentality and we are exhausted and turning to alcohol or comfort eating or similar to cope with “doing everything” .

it sounds like you’re not on screens wasting away your weekends doom scrolling so anything is better than that.

I’m 34 now but in my 20s I was similar.

I worked long hours, 6 days a week in an industry I loved. I forced myself to go clubbing as that’s what all my friends/colleagues were doing but I hated it. I was much happier when I spent my free time doing my hobbies/going for coffee/exploring my city rather than clubbing. I remember feeling like there was something wrong with me as it just was totally different to what everyone around me was doing. I’m glad things are different now.

I’ve also never really been into travelling. I like a holiday and there’s a couple of countries on my bucket list but I’m perfectly happy not travelling

You’re not wasting your life if you’re happy and content. One day you might feel like mixing things up, but until then, why change? Your 20s are a time to discover yourself, make mistakes, learn from them, and, especially before having kids (if that’s something you want) enjoy minimal responsibilities and focus on what you want to do. That doesn’t mean you have to live the way other people are living.

That said, I’ll admit I’ve never understood people in their late thirties or forties who stay in a job they hate, just counting down to retirement and a pension. But that’s partly because I work in healthcare and have seen how quickly life can change - and how some people never even make it to retirement. But that’s a story for another time! My biggest piece of advice is not to put things off…but you don’t seem to be doing that at all. You seem happy, and that’s good! I hope it stays that way.

I used to have that in my old job!!! I’d genuinely walk up to every junction I was crossing and think “if I got hit by a car, I’d have time off work”. Now I’m in a different job, same pay, but I’m so much happier

I’m 26. Children are not my priority right now. I spent years in education and a job I hated, my priority is travelling within my means and just existing in a happy state.

How are you going to meet someone though if you don't go out? Most clubs where I am are back up and running.

I’m trying OLD, I’m going to go speed dating the next time it’s run, I go out a lot (just not drinking) with my work mates. Right now it’s not my top priority. There’s plenty of time in life.

I don’t care what anyone does as long as it’s not illegal or encroaches on peoples own quiet enjoyment of their space.

Looking round though at what happened to all my women friends regarding marriages, children or long term decent relationships. There was a definite panics when some waited till mid thirties and they ended up with rather crappy partners.

The issue is there are more decent women than men overall so if a woman finds a really decent bloke you bet she knows it and they get snapped up quick.

This is all very lovely, but it sounds like you live alone and are never in a situation where you are mingling with new people. If you would like boyfriend I think you have to make a definite effort to go to places where there are men.

It doesn’t have to be a club, but it does have to be the kind of environment where there are lots of young people mingling with people they don’t know.

. Is there a pub in your town where the kind of young men you like would go after work? Is there a mixed hobby team you could join like football or touch rugby or running?
Is there a cricket team they’re going to watch? Are there house parties you could be attending? Do your female friends have boyfriends or do you have male colleagues or brothers or any other male contacts that you could tag along with to their next gig/holiday/day out/ whatever and meet their friends.

You need to find out where the men are and make the effort to go there too, and talk to new people, say once a fortnight or once a week. This is how we found boyfriends before OLD existed.

If I was desperate to settle down, I’d get that.

As it goes, I’m not. I live with my family and after seven years of back to back study and traumatic life events, I’m just happy to be living my life, alive and healthy. I’m working on myself (I’ve lost seven stone), I’m happier than ever and just being me. I’m sure I will find someone, but at the moment it’s not my priority and I reject the idea that I have to tie my worth to my relationship status.

It sounds like a nice life. The only thing I would ask is do you want kids in the future? Lots of people meet their partners in their 30s but quite a few of my friends have struggled to find someone to have a family with or they've been ttc in late 30s.
If you don't want kids then crack on!

Your experience won't be what I would call "a life well lived" but you, presumably, aren't hurting anyone and are pottering along paying more than your way through taxes, so good for you.

If you are happy then do what together like!

You sound like you have a lovely life. You have a job and home that bring contentment, friends to meet, exercise, and a hobby to keep you entertained (reading).

Some people are weirdly superior about travelling or partying in their twenties. Slumming it in hostels, taking class A drugs, or jumping out of planes in your youth doesn't make you better than anyone else (I did a couple of these things and I promise it's not the most interesting thing about me now I'm in my 30's). Baking, nature walks, and nice holidays are just as valid as being 'adventurous'.

You have plenty of time to find a partner if that's what you want. Don't worry about what other people think.

I think the activities you describe - reading a book, a bath etc - all sound nice and no age limits on them… but they’re not hobbies or activities per se. They’re just stuff you do (usually around other stuff.)
Socialising, family, hobbies, culture, fitness, work, religion, volunteering are usually there to give life wider purpose and fun.

Sounds lovely. I don't understand the obsession with travel being such a special thing, perhaps it's because I've lived in a few big tourist locations . The tourists/travellers I see don't appear to be these cultured open minded adventurers who have found life's true meaning to me, as opposed to us yokels who prefer coastal walks in our home region. My DM uprooted her life to live on the other side of the world later in life, so you can always do it later on. I can't say she's become an enlightened individual through her adventure though, she's now much more conservative, has the same daily irritations in a hotter location and complains her Grandkids she's never met in person won't video call her. Wherever you go, there you are is the message these days isn't it?

I don’t think you have to be desperate or tie your self worth to a relationship or anything like that. But you’ve said it’s something you would like. So I’m just saying don’t put it off and assume it’s going to happen somehow when you are never physically in a location where it is possible for you meet any new men. It’s only going to get more difficult the longer you put it off and the older you get and the more settled you are in your safe single life.

At least give yourself a chance. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by being a bit more deliberate about attending social events where new men are present. Its a lot more fun than speed dating or OLD I would imagine! And you can still do all the other lovely things you like to do the rest of the time.

If you are happy and content it doesn’t matter what other people think.

But it doesn't have to be in your 20s to have adventures. I Didn't as had 2 small kids. Now in my 50s I've backpackers round and awful lot of the world. Prob appreciate it more thati would've done in my 20s

Unless you actually want to remain single, you may need to get involved in few more social things but otherwise it sounds fine if that is what you enjoy.

I would rather stab myself in the eye and stay single forever than try this 🤣

My clubbing days were when I was 17-20, but after that, by third year of uni, we’d all hang out in each other’s houses. I imagine the number of people in the 2000s who met their life partner while drunk and out clubbing is probably pretty low!