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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Totally fed up with my husband!

403 replies

Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:41

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 22/09/2025 23:45

DH isn’t he best at DIY which is why we didn’t buy a house that needed a lot of work..

I don’t know why you decided to do this.

After 34 years he isn’t going to change.

And, why can’t you fix things? You have 5 free days.

Wingedharpy · 22/09/2025 23:49

Silvertulips · 22/09/2025 23:45

DH isn’t he best at DIY which is why we didn’t buy a house that needed a lot of work..

I don’t know why you decided to do this.

After 34 years he isn’t going to change.

And, why can’t you fix things? You have 5 free days.

What she said/\

MyElatedUmberFinch · 22/09/2025 23:49

Move to a house that needs no work and live happily ever after or go to college and learn how to do DIY. You can’t change people, just because he’s a man doesn’t mean he’s any good at this stuff.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/09/2025 23:50

Why did you buy a house that needs work doing when you knew this would be the outcome? Do you just enjoy being annoyed?

Jeschara · 22/09/2025 23:54

Why at your ages did you go for a doer upper? I am on my sixties and would not do it especially if I had a husband who does not seem to be on board.

Original poster
Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:55

He is perfectly capable of doing DIY. He just doesn't want to do it.
He worked as a mechanical engineer and is very good at fixing things.
In my 5 days, I have so far stripped all the wallpaper in the hall, sitting room and dining room, painted the walls and ceilings in two rooms so far. My next job is to paint the sitting room, hall stairs and landing, strip the wallpaper from the upstairs bedrooms and paint them.
As for electrical work or fixing the loo, that's not something I can do!

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/09/2025 23:56

Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:55

He is perfectly capable of doing DIY. He just doesn't want to do it.
He worked as a mechanical engineer and is very good at fixing things.
In my 5 days, I have so far stripped all the wallpaper in the hall, sitting room and dining room, painted the walls and ceilings in two rooms so far. My next job is to paint the sitting room, hall stairs and landing, strip the wallpaper from the upstairs bedrooms and paint them.
As for electrical work or fixing the loo, that's not something I can do!

But you’ve known for 34 years that he doesn’t want to do it and you will have to hound him. Learn!

Original poster
Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:56

Jeschara · 22/09/2025 23:54

Why at your ages did you go for a doer upper? I am on my sixties and would not do it especially if I had a husband who does not seem to be on board.

It was the best house we could find for our budget.

OP posts:
MyElatedUmberFinch · 22/09/2025 23:57

My DH hates it, I can’t do it, we buy new builds.

Original poster
Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:59

Silvertulips · 22/09/2025 23:45

DH isn’t he best at DIY which is why we didn’t buy a house that needed a lot of work..

I don’t know why you decided to do this.

After 34 years he isn’t going to change.

And, why can’t you fix things? You have 5 free days.

I do the painting and decorating but electrics and plumbing is not something I can do!

OP posts:
Pincey77 · 23/09/2025 00:00

Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:59

I do the painting and decorating but electrics and plumbing is not something I can do!

Show quote history

He clearly doesn't want to do it though. Either learn how to do it yourself or pay someone to do it. Did he say he would happily do all the DIY at this new house and now he's changed his mind?

babyproblems · 23/09/2025 00:01

I think he sounds useless.
He doesn’t care about the things you do like the maintenance etc. If I were you I’d be thinking about what I want in a relationship at this point in life and I’d probably be considering ending it tbh. This would drive me mad. How have you tolerated it for so long? Your priorities are clearly polar opposites and he doesn’t care that these things bother you.
I think youve had some harsh replies here - I think he is t doing his fair share. Fine if he doesn’t want to do the jobs, but he is half the homeowner and could find tradespeople etc. It’s deliberate helplessness.

Original poster
Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 00:02

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/09/2025 23:56

But you’ve known for 34 years that he doesn’t want to do it and you will have to hound him. Learn!

Show quote history

That is true. I just can't understand why he has no motivation to just work with me to get the jobs done! If he was incapable of doing it I could understand.

OP posts:
CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 23/09/2025 00:02

Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:55

He is perfectly capable of doing DIY. He just doesn't want to do it.
He worked as a mechanical engineer and is very good at fixing things.
In my 5 days, I have so far stripped all the wallpaper in the hall, sitting room and dining room, painted the walls and ceilings in two rooms so far. My next job is to paint the sitting room, hall stairs and landing, strip the wallpaper from the upstairs bedrooms and paint them.
As for electrical work or fixing the loo, that's not something I can do!

He is perfectly capable of doing DIY. He just doesn't want to do it.
He worked as a mechanical engineer and is very good at fixing things.

And there's your answer. He considers himself retired. Not embarking on a new career as a handyman

I'm going to guess maybe it wasn't his idea to buy a house that needs work??

Did you discuss this much before you bought the house?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 23/09/2025 00:04

Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 00:02

That is true. I just can't understand why he has no motivation to just work with me to get the jobs done! If he was incapable of doing it I could understand.

Show quote history

You can’t change people, and you’ve had decades of trying. Expecting a change is pointless

Original poster
Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 00:08

babyproblems · 23/09/2025 00:01

I think he sounds useless.
He doesn’t care about the things you do like the maintenance etc. If I were you I’d be thinking about what I want in a relationship at this point in life and I’d probably be considering ending it tbh. This would drive me mad. How have you tolerated it for so long? Your priorities are clearly polar opposites and he doesn’t care that these things bother you.
I think youve had some harsh replies here - I think he is t doing his fair share. Fine if he doesn’t want to do the jobs, but he is half the homeowner and could find tradespeople etc. It’s deliberate helplessness.

Thank you, I agree with you.
It was seven hours sitting around on his laptop today doing sweet FA that was the final straw!

OP posts:
Properjob · 23/09/2025 00:13

Just shop and cook for yourself. He's got plenty of time to look after himself. Move into the spare room,you might as well. Exception to this is if he's only just retired. It takes a while to get into a new routine and everyone deserves a couple of months just to blob.

Original poster
Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 00:19

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 23/09/2025 00:02

He is perfectly capable of doing DIY. He just doesn't want to do it.
He worked as a mechanical engineer and is very good at fixing things.

And there's your answer. He considers himself retired. Not embarking on a new career as a handyman

I'm going to guess maybe it wasn't his idea to buy a house that needs work??

Did you discuss this much before you bought the house?

Show quote history

No, he's never wanted to do any DIY. It's nothing to do with retirement I'm afraid.
On one occasion, many years ago he was having a problem with his car.
He knew how to fix it but rather than do that, he put exposed wires into sandwich bags to keep them dry!

No, he was very keen on move into this new house. The agreement was that we would pay the trades to do the jobs we couldn't do and we would do the remainder together.
If I didn't push him, nothing at all would get done.
If I left and came back in 10 years time, the house would be exactly as it is now.
His sister told me years ago that when he was a student, he wouldn't do his essays until the night before they were due.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 00:20

Properjob · 23/09/2025 00:13

Just shop and cook for yourself. He's got plenty of time to look after himself. Move into the spare room,you might as well. Exception to this is if he's only just retired. It takes a while to get into a new routine and everyone deserves a couple of months just to blob.

He's been retired for two years.

OP posts:
OSTMusTisNT · 23/09/2025 00:34

He isn't going to change now. Pay the for someone to do the whole job.

Or, do you have a son, neighbour, brother etc locally who could help you which will hopefully shame DH into action?

(As much as in theory I should be able to do anything a man can, there's no way I'll ever be doing DIY, not my thing).

WishinAndHopin · 23/09/2025 00:34

He's not doing his fair share around the house, which includes general maintenance.

Unless he objected to buying a doer upper, it's equally his job as yours to do DIY or organising tradespeople for the renovations.

He should be equally responsible as you for housework, household management and organising, DIY and dog care.

Since he's not, he's using your labour and your time to enjoy sitting on his arse. This isn't fair at all, and you are not unreasonable. The harsh posts towards you are just misogyny. Men are allowed to be useless, and it's women's fault for complaining about it.

Original poster
Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 00:37

By the way, it's not just DIY. I am the one who has to ensure that all the bills are paid on time as I couldn't trust him to do it. When we were moving house I was the one who had to contact the estate agents to get them to come around to the house and also deal with the surveyor and all the correspondence with the solicitors regarding the conveyance. He would forget to respond to requests for information or pay a bill on time. When we first got married, I noticed that he received a solicitor's letter chasing him for an unpaid bill. He had the money to pay it but just hadn't paid it. From then on, I took over the paperwork.
He is very laid back although he has recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure. I often wonder if there might be some underlying depression but he doesn't seem depressed. I can't work it out!

OP posts:
TheM55 · 23/09/2025 00:37

I'm with you. I get "retired" so a full project would be unreasonable, and I have a modicum of sympathy if he said " I only want a house that nothing has to be done ever again, but you have bought a do-upper against my wishes". But why would anyone expect anyone else to lounge around and do nothing ever to maintain what they are in ? This is not reasonable. It is also unreasonable to just to expect to be tasked to do stuff, without the thought process that proceeds it. All relationships are different, but if you are not getting anything else from him (and I agree that sometimes people make it up in other ways), I would consider discussing, and if you can get things sorted financially, leaving him. You may still have stuff to do, but on your terms. I think some posters have been harsh here too. Even if you have not done anything about it, it doesn't make it alright, and it is fine to vent. Wishing you well in whatever you choose xx

MeinKraft · 23/09/2025 00:40

Sam9769 · 23/09/2025 00:37

By the way, it's not just DIY. I am the one who has to ensure that all the bills are paid on time as I couldn't trust him to do it. When we were moving house I was the one who had to contact the estate agents to get them to come around to the house and also deal with the surveyor and all the correspondence with the solicitors regarding the conveyance. He would forget to respond to requests for information or pay a bill on time. When we first got married, I noticed that he received a solicitor's letter chasing him for an unpaid bill. He had the money to pay it but just hadn't paid it. From then on, I took over the paperwork.
He is very laid back although he has recently been diagnosed with high blood pressure. I often wonder if there might be some underlying depression but he doesn't seem depressed. I can't work it out!

He’s depressed because you’re controlling and emasculating him by opening his post and scolding him for not paying his bills on time or doing DIY.

You're resentful because he’s not the person you want him to be.

Sounds like you’d both be happier on your own.

Todayismyfavouriteday · 23/09/2025 00:44

Some people are procrastinators. You can't change them. You don't like it... how did you stay for 34 years? He has not changed so far, he won't change now that he's retired. If anything, he'll get worse. Either take care of renovations yourself and enjoy it as your own project, or leave him. Expecting him to change, or take an interest in things that obviously he has no interest in, is very naive and unrealistic of you at this stage (and even before)