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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Totally fed up with my husband!

403 replies

Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:41

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/09/2025 07:02

I am quite like this in my own home. There are things that need sorting I just can’t get to. But I do have a job and a toddler. His tech use seems to be the issue. He needs some freedom to relax etc and may not want to steam through the diy at your pace but you need to chat to him about what makes you feel loved and what makes you feel neglected, being remembered and acts of service are what you need and show him a video about the mental load, ask him if he’d like a happier more positive care free wife if so this is what’s holding him back from having one so please make changes. See if he cares if not consider leaving even though itlll be expensive.

does he make you feel loved and cared about in other ways op? Does he ever cook, or plan holidays, or listen to you venting kindly?

Velvian · 23/09/2025 07:02

It was such a bad decision to buy that house @Sam9769 , why on earth did you do it?
.

PinkyFlamingo · 23/09/2025 07:03

Sam9769 · 22/09/2025 23:56

It was the best house we could find for our budget.

Show quote history

It really wasn't if it needs so much work. Did you honestly think your DH would change? Because he hasn't and he won't.

LidlAmaretto · 23/09/2025 07:03

WishinAndHopin · 23/09/2025 00:34

He's not doing his fair share around the house, which includes general maintenance.

Unless he objected to buying a doer upper, it's equally his job as yours to do DIY or organising tradespeople for the renovations.

He should be equally responsible as you for housework, household management and organising, DIY and dog care.

Since he's not, he's using your labour and your time to enjoy sitting on his arse. This isn't fair at all, and you are not unreasonable. The harsh posts towards you are just misogyny. Men are allowed to be useless, and it's women's fault for complaining about it.

I agree. I can't believe people are saying OP should be doing it in her 5 days off when she's doing everything else! Hes not doing it because he doesn't want to or have to. Youll do it all. Im not sure what you can do about it though unless you want to separate. Maybe that will be the ' last night before his homework was due' but you need to file it through and act like you are separated- move into the city spare room, cook b for yourself, or kick him out.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/09/2025 07:04

Stolen focus is a great Audio book for him to read he might reconsider his YouTube habit

Listenupmouse · 23/09/2025 07:04

For all those saying to the OP what did she expect, why move to somewhere that needs stuff doing, etc. I’m guessing the OP has never given up hope that things could change and that the move could have jolted him to contribute more.

As for those saying why have you put up with xxx for all these years, I think this form of frustration builds slowly, perhaps at one point when both were working the OP didn’t mind so much, but years and years and now feeling such imbalance has tipped things. Plus OP sounds exhausted.

I also honestly think that our tolerance for this seeming laziness reduces with age, especially as we know that it isn’t going to change and that ageing will also naturally bring in other factors.

Just my take anyway and OP I completely sympathise and hope you find a peaceful solution.

landlordhell · 23/09/2025 07:05

Silvertulips · 22/09/2025 23:45

DH isn’t he best at DIY which is why we didn’t buy a house that needed a lot of work..

I don’t know why you decided to do this.

After 34 years he isn’t going to change.

And, why can’t you fix things? You have 5 free days.

This

Iwiicit · 23/09/2025 07:10

You are being unreasonable. You know full well what he is like. I think you're both guilty of making each other equally miserable. You should have split up when you sold the last house and bought a separate flat each. I know you're frustrated, and rightly so, but you come across like a ranting harridan too.

KiwiFall · 23/09/2025 07:12

Sounds like your husband doesn’t like doing it and that’s fine (especially if that’s his day to day job). I know from builders we’ve had they are the worst at their own homes as hate doing it and not getting paid. You shouldn’t try and change him. Was he all up for the work when you looked at buying it? My husband is the same. Hates DIY. He’ll do it but moan all the time doing it. Not at me but at himself. Always bought a house with this in mind as he won’t change and that’s okay. He’s happy to decorate but anything more I pay someone to do it.

Gettingbysomehow · 23/09/2025 07:14

Personally I'd buy a modern home. I renovated my last house entirely alone because my husband was equally useless. When the renovation was done I divorced him and bought .myself a house that needed very little work. Now I can spend my free time socialising not doing the work of two people.
It's very nice not to have to deal with a useless lump any more or do any more DIY.
He doesn't want to do it, end of. It's up to you where you go from here.

WalkDontWalk · 23/09/2025 07:21

@Sam9769

He is perfectly capable of doing DIY. He just doesn't want to do it.

Er…quite. As your post makes clear, this is not a surprise to you. And I don’t suppose he’s ever said otherwise.

After thirty-odd years of marriage, you’re still trying to make him something he’s not?

Bloozie · 23/09/2025 07:24

Silvertulips · 22/09/2025 23:45

DH isn’t he best at DIY which is why we didn’t buy a house that needed a lot of work..

I don’t know why you decided to do this.

After 34 years he isn’t going to change.

And, why can’t you fix things? You have 5 free days.

Why on earth should she have to? Marriage is a partnership and changing a lightbulb isn't DIY. It's just the boring drudge of life.

NotTerfNorCis · 23/09/2025 07:25

I can't understand people defending the husband here. The problem is clearly that he's very lazy and basically freeloads off the OP, who does all the work.

BigButtons · 23/09/2025 07:25

landlordhell · 23/09/2025 07:05

This

Show quote history

What about not being bothered to pay bills or mention that the toilet has broken. That’s not hating diy- that is sheer laziness

MayaPinion · 23/09/2025 07:28

If he’s not interested in DIY I don’t understand why you would buy a house that needed loads of DIY? You’ve been married for 34 years. How did you not know this about him? Were you expecting that once he retired he’d all of a sudden be interested in it? In your shoes I’d sell up and buy somewhere much more low maintenance. That way you’d both be happier.

PersephoneParlormaid · 23/09/2025 07:29

I’m in a similar situation, and here’s an example of my monthly frustration. On the first day of every month I read the meters, no we don’t want a wireless one. I can access the water account so that’s no problem, but I can’t get into the gas/electric account so I give him the readings and wait days for him to actually do it. If I had access it would be done same day with no fuss. I asked him to ring them and put it in my name, so he wouldn’t have to be troubled at all. No, he wants to be in charge. So every month i have the same stress when the answer is simple. Some men are just lazy, mine didn’t use to be, but he has become it.

cbbo · 23/09/2025 07:33

Find yourself a local handyman and pay someone

Katkins17 · 23/09/2025 07:37

Nothing worse that a lazy arsed partner… I feel your pain.

marriage is meant to be a partnership, not one person doing the lion share whilst the other completely ignores this concept.

im afraid I’ve no advice other than to tell him how it is, and how you’re not prepared to spend the rest of your life cleaning up after his deadbeat butt.

Boeufsurletoit · 23/09/2025 07:38

People are being unpleasant about ADHD on this thread. Firstly, there are huge differences between hyperactive, inattentive and combined presentations in terms of energy levels. We are not all the same! And secondly, motivation is interest-based, which is not voluntary! If you make someone do something they're not interested in they may well present as very sleepy, and can't help it. Milder presentations might be able to get past this, but when it's more severe it's very debilitating. Things that help: body doubling (doing tasks together), outsourcing low-interest tasks, raising dopamine by interspersing low interest tasks with high interest ones.

TattooStan · 23/09/2025 07:39

This sounds like my husband! It sometimes reaches a point where we have talks about divorce. I always come back to thinking that's a crazy reason to leave a good, kind husband, but perhaps one day I will have had enough.

We've been together 20 years. I feel he got a bloody good deal in pairing up with me! I'm the do-er, the saver, the practical one, and until recently have always earned more.

I decide that we're getting the next project done on our house, I contact tradesmen, decide who we're using, and manage them when they're here.

DH doesn't initiate anything. For instance, we have big unruly hedges down each side of our garden. Not once has he suggested he should trim them - I have to ask every time.

It's exhausting. Thankfully our house is not far off being done, but I sure as shit won't be doing another refurb with him (and I know I'm on the hook for doing the ongoing maintenance of our home as he's clueless about what needs doing).

Nestingbirds · 23/09/2025 07:47

Boeufsurletoit · 23/09/2025 07:38

People are being unpleasant about ADHD on this thread. Firstly, there are huge differences between hyperactive, inattentive and combined presentations in terms of energy levels. We are not all the same! And secondly, motivation is interest-based, which is not voluntary! If you make someone do something they're not interested in they may well present as very sleepy, and can't help it. Milder presentations might be able to get past this, but when it's more severe it's very debilitating. Things that help: body doubling (doing tasks together), outsourcing low-interest tasks, raising dopamine by interspersing low interest tasks with high interest ones.

We are not talking about adhd and how it presents, he is just lazy for heavens sake.

Even if this was the case, it is very much up to the adult to find strategies to manage themselves, and not everyone around them to pick up the slack, and do the boring donkey work. You are not special.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 23/09/2025 07:48

Is being with him worth it? I don’t know him so perhaps he has an amazing personality or some other compensation but from what you’ve written it sounds like you’d be far happier alone. Imagine coming home to your own house, with no lazy man causing you stress.

IVbumble · 23/09/2025 07:49

He has two choices.

  1. He gets on & does it.
  2. He finds a part time job so that he can pay for a tradie to do it.
Jk987 · 23/09/2025 07:49

Please don’t tell us that you do all the cooking, life admin and housework too?! I already know the answer…

You’re only 61, too young to settle for this life forever. I would simply stop doing half the chores and if he doesn’t pick up the slack, let the laundry etc build up. If that doesn’t jolt him into action have a few couples counselling sessions to change the future. Change IS possible.

Merseymum1980 · 23/09/2025 07:54

decenteringmen · 23/09/2025 00:56

It's quite simple really. He's a manchild.

Show quote history

Completely agree. Its perfetic.
I bet your blood pressure is high op.
I once watched a nanny thing on channel 4 were the husband was like this. Jo Frost made bags and bags of flour and wrote on each bag of flour the individual jobs the wife did and the ones the Husband did and threw each one individually to the person that did the job. The Husband got the point when it was shown visually.
I would actually write down a letter including everything you do and everything he does and write in the letter its exhausting you to the point you are reconsidering the marriage.
Does he help with anything else