Totally fed up with my husband!

[Sam9769]

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

Yes poor man, his (undiagnosed) ADHD is so debilitating he’s been able to complete university and hold down a successful career in mechanical engineering which has enabled him to retire around age 60 as well as a marriage?

I think screen/internet addiction is real and can sometimes look like ADHD but isn’t. 7 hours on YouTube sounds more like this.

I'm now convinced there is an increasingly large number of men on here trying to shame, silence and bully women. Men who are afraid women see their lack of value in a relationship and might leave them lonely and don't like one bit that women are now much more independent than in the past.

OP, my advice is to totally reevaluate your life. A new much more exciting chapter where you please yourself.

was supposed to quote this post above 👆🏼

Is it just pure laziness which indirectly you're encouraging (!), by doing so much!

Would drive me mad too!

Agree ,I have adhd and struggle but I literally just have to force myself or nothing gets done.
He needs to find a solution but he won't because he thinks op will do it all.
I think it sounds more like selfishness than anything

Exactly this. Why does he get a free pass because he can't be arsed like some teenager?
He gets 7 days to do fuck all. Short of leaving him or nagging at him till the end of time i don't know the answer.

My husband (soon to be ex husband) is just like this. Perfectly capable, says he is going to do it, would never pay anyone to come in and do anything...and then never does it. We have had a light broken outside for 15 years and had no heating for three years while children were young. Jobs go unfinished for over a decade etc...I was so poor when children were young and paying nursery fees that i couldn't get anyone in. When I started working full time again I saved like mad and got the heating fixed. Anyway. I turned 50 last year and decided I didn't want a future with him, for lots and lots of reasons, but his utter passivity was definitely part of what completely killed us off.

Strangely enough me telling him I didn't want to be married to him anymore and starting the separation has been a catalyst for him to start fixing things but it is all too little too late. I spent so many years utterly exhausted managing him, the house and our family that I just don't love him anymore and want my freedom.

Sorry, that is a long response! He won't change. Deal with it or leave.

I was coming in to say this. He sounds exactly like my DH. DH is undiagnosed but I'm very sure he has ADHD (all the kids on that side of the family have a diagnosis, all the adults are undiagnosed but show more symptoms of it than the kids)

I am a ranting harridan!

I agree! I have never seen other women say just work harder! He is feckless and lazy because you ‘allow ‘ him to be!! What the hell?!

Agreed you have had three decades of this BS and he won’t change, but I strongly disagree that op should do it all because he doesn’t want to - no way! Don’t burn yourself out for this idle loser op. Kick him out - that might sharpen him up.

The way I would address it would be to stop doing the jobs that affect him because you're busy doing the DIY.
Don't cook tea - you've been painting all day.
Don't do the washing - you've been stripping wallpaper all day.
Don't clean the kitchen - you've been fixing the loo.
Sorry I haven't had time to book that holiday we wanted - I'm choosing paint.
Dont walk the dogs etc

Your husband will likely have hyperactive ADHD. There's also inattentive, which sounds just like the OP's husband.

My two nephews are ADHD - one inattentive and one hyperactive, and they're obviously both completely different. Their dad is also inattentive and sounds exactly like the OP. My sister isn't diagnosed, but we suspect she's hyperactive ADHD and can never stop.

I agree. It’s half his house, he should be doing half the work. Actually, more than half given that OP is working outside the home 2days a week.

He’s an engineer he knows how to do things. I imagine he even knows how to use a phone. - being an engineer after all. So he can call a plumber and electrician.

I have ADHD and this sounds very similar to my struggles so I can sympathise with him on that part.

However, I am constantly mindful of how those struggles affect my DH and family and I do my best to curb them - and failing that (as I often do) I acknowledge it and am acutely aware I have dropped the ball. It is a huge source of shame and anxiety for me and I suspect it will always be this way - but I will always TRY!

It doesn't sound like your DH is doing that at all! He seems very happy to just wallow in his 'helplessness' and not even try and pull his weight. That's the nope from me - the behaviour takes a back seat to the obvious lack of intent on his party and the willingness to have to take on all the burden.

PPs here who are absolving him of any responsibility and are essentially suggesting you do it all and keep your mouth shut are fascinating to me. My

Anyone would be after 34 years of bone idleness!! 😂

Team Harridan here 💪🏻

Well, he's had more than umpteen chances to change and he hasn't, so I think you can take it as read now that he's not going to. So what are your options going forward?

Personally I'd want to get the house ready for sale and sell it again, get another smaller property just for you and divorce his sorry arse. Not necessarily in that order, but I wouldn't want to face the rest of my life heaving his deadweight around with me. You're supposed to be a team, pulling your own weight, helping your partner. Insteaad you're doing all the draught work, even though he's more than capable. To continue with the draught horse analogy, you're not just pulling the heavy load yourself, you've got your husband perched on top of that heavy load getting an easy ride.

I'd be furious that he does so little and expects you to do his share of the graft, I'd be so done.

I’m so glad you said that about men on here. I’ve been increasingly thinking the same thing - that these unsupportive posts are being posted by men.

Also Team Harridan. Most men just prefer to turn us into eternal nags. Like we either do everything ourselves or carve out a few jobs for them, which we then have to nag them to do. Strategic incompetence? Maybe. In my case I think he just doesn’t see these things as important enough for him to prioritise. He manages to read emails and respond at work and I don’t have to nag him to do that, but the jobs at home? I guess he just can’t be bothered.

You said your DH had a decent job and I’m guessing also managed ok in the work place without you reminding him to do stuff? Funny that.

You have been his mother for all those years, rather than his wife.
You must have got something from taking on that role, otherwise, why would you?

If you’ve now had enough - reasonable, but likely to be a shock to him! - you need to tell him and either work things out or leave. Up to you!
But tbf to him, he hasn’t changed. You knew what you were dealing with. YOU are the one who, it seems, has changed and are no longer happy with the dynamic of your relationship.

See, I'm just assuming that there's a massive subset of women who actively live their own lives like this, and truly believe what they're pedalling here. I know a few in real life.

The problem with the ADHD theory is that he held down a job in mechanical engineering for over 34 years. He was able to get up at 7am in the morning and go to work. Admittedly when he came home that was it. Nothing would get done in the house. When we moved to the house we have just sold I told him that I was not prepared to move into a house that needed work. That was fine for a number of years until things needed to be done or fixed in the house.
Anyway as people have said, it wasn't a huge deal because we were both busy working full time and the house was generally okay.

The difference now is that he is retired. He is under no pressure or stress. He has plenty of time at his disposal. He wanted this house just as much as I did.
It seems to me as if he won't do anything unless he is pressurised into doing it. When he was working, he had to go to work. He couldn't just not turn up. There were pressures on him to attend. Now, as one poster rightly says, he waits to be harangued before he will do anything. There was stuff in the car port that needed to go to the dump which he said he would do, yet he walked by it day after day , week after week as it kept piling up until I blew up at him.
He said he would spray the weeds in the garden. Weeks went by with me repeatedly asking him to spray them until he eventually did it as I was getting really annoyed with him. I don't want to have to chase him around the place to do things. Even if we were to divorce, I would have to contact the solicitors and fill all the paperwork in for him. He would do nothing to initiate or progress the process. I see husbands in the neighbourhood out doing work on their houses and in their gardens, taking pride in their houses and wonder why he doesn't give a shit!

I think you’re being unreasonable. You just sound like one of those women who have to be in a relationship for the sake of it, god forbid you end up single and happier.

Even if he has ADHD, he isn’t going to stop acting this way so you’d be lumbered with the same behaviour but with a label. Fundamentally nothing would change.

what would it take for you to be honest with yourself? Is this the relationship for you? As neither of you sound happy, it just sounds like you want to keep up appearances.

This is exactly what ADHD is though. Most people with inattentive ADHD do work, but everything outside of that is a mess. My BIL is diagnosed Inattentive ADHD, and goes to work and manages that fine. But anything else which isn't required for him to earn money just doesn't get done. It used to drive my sister mad as she couldn't understand how he was so useless and so forgetful. The diagnosis has made things so much better for them. First of all, she understands why he is like he is, and has sympathy rather than constant annoyance. And he's also got meds he can take if he needs them.

You've missed the obvious 3rd choice.......

Carry on exactly how he has been for 34 years and just ignore his wife's complaints, because whatever she says she ends up getting it done.

Let's face facts - he isn't going to change and she isn't going to leave him.

I do understand your frustration! I am also married to a procrastinator. My strategy is to be specific - else I find he may start some random job when there are others that need to be finished.
So with your example , I’d have asked him to look at the non working toilet and decide whether we need a plumber - and also checked he would also clean the kitchen while I was out. Minding the dogs should not feature as a task as presumably they can nag him themselves if they need to go outside. I’d also say that sorting the loo is really important and so he must do it today before he does anything else.
Whats he doing while you strip wallpaper and do painting?