Totally fed up with my husband!

[Sam9769]

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

I swear to god I would forgo my children completely than have ended up like you have.

I wonder if this desire (desire for motherhood) is why so many women have stories of them marrying useless men. Because they really wanted marriage and children and so settled for a man who had a nice personality, who they had a connection with and who equally wanted to settle down.

But women bear it, so apparently they have some use of the man or aren't capable of finding a suitable one which sadly turns mn into a venting festival, however pposters don't take the advice, so where is the future of all this. Really if you don't like your man, leave him be, divorce and move on

But it doesn’t seem like they have use for him at all (apart from providing them with kids.)

Not leaving does not equate to thinking somebody adds some value to your life.

So many just seem to expect / hope he will change who he is.

It's self defeat and self deception.
We really can't fix peoples husbands for them but have to read the repeated nonsense of why she can't leave him, but doesn't like him either. Self shooting in the ankle

You don't have to read anything, and OP is entitled to have a good moan about her situation on an anonymous forum.

We don't know why OP stayed for so long, but there are likely reasons beyond self decption and self defeat, some of them boring and practical cause life often is both of those things in reality.

Maybe this thread is her first step towards leaving, and she needs support not putting down.

Sounds like most men, actually. Women do all the heavy lifting. Much better to build something together, but one might have to give up on romance and pick someone competent for that?

I didn't know my husband was like this until we had children. That's when you really notice.....

“ Sounds like most men, actually. Women do all the heavy lifting. Much better to build something together, but one might have to give up on romance and pick someone competent for that?“

Id hazard a guess that there is not much “ romance “ in the Ops marriage. Thats the problem for these 50 + men - they are becoming redundant.

Theres no companionship with a man who is online / watching Tv all day everyday.

SEx? Most men of that age are broken with their porn addiction or health problems such as diabetes, obesity and hypertension. For women who miss sex, other [ more efficient, reliable and less troublesome ] options are available.

As so many have pointed out on this thread, if women want to put up a shelf they can hire someone, go to a DIY class or watch a YouTube video. They have money so they have choices.

Most women in their 50s and 60s have their own money , jobs, pensions and social lives. They dont need a man for social status or respectability . They can travel , do sports, volunteering or hobbies and see their children and grandchildren.

Their children are grown so they don't need a second income to keep a roof over their children's heads . They don't need to worry about “ breaking up the family “ when their adult children are capable of having their own relationships with their father ( if they want to ).

So many women in this age group are increasingly asking

“ What is the point of my husband ? He just sits around moaning and creating more housework housework. He doesn't want a loving equal partnership, he wants staff at home. And I want to retire after a lifetime of service. “

And the harsh reality that many of us know is that if WE get old / sick / disabled first - we won’t see our husband for dust 🙁

I couldnt just wak on by after reading this.
What a sad story.
The part that especially resonated, was him not even doing exercises to look after his own body.
I never understand that sort of mentality.

How did you not notice before though?

Because he didn’t act like that?
dh was the same. Having children was a trigger.

He’s feigned incompetence for years and you’ve picked up the slack so he’s learned that if he feigns incompetence you will crack on.

Stop it! Do what you have to do, and what you want to do for you, but do nothing for him.

So he was a fully equal partner? Split the domestic and emotional labour load equitably then stopped?

It’s just that you said you “did not notice he was like that” not that he “deliberately concealed who he was”.

It feels it is too late for me to get out of this situation, due to my DH's declining health. It would be cruel to leave him to himself. Who would dress him, tell him he needs to shave or shower, that he smells? Who would organise the stairlift, the rollator, make sure someone is there when he goes to bed in case he falls? He can just about still drive safely (I am keeping an eye on it) so if I leave he would be housebound with absolutely no-one to even visit him. Yes, it would be cruel.

I now realise that this increasing burden means I have also not had time for my own friends (very few now), so in some way I'd rather have him as company than no-one. I know, it's quite pathetic. I can hear my late Dad telling me to get out and get my life back.

He is not at all ready for a care home and I'm not about to bung him in one costing £75k a year. Despite me having worked all my life (still working till 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer at 71) my income in retirement is only half of his. Half of the house proceeds would not buy me even a very small house.

As I said, I should have left years ago - and that is what I wanted to advise the OP to do NOW, while her DH is still in decent health - to avoid the guilt trip and have time to develop new friendships. To have a LIFE at last. You only get one chance at it.

I must add, my DDs would fully understand if I did leave him. They know exactly what he is like.

As another poster said, I do wonder if people latch onto giving labels to people who appear similar to my DH. One Son in law has ADHD but he accepts that and has strategies to improve his life, for which I admire him. My DH may also have ADHD but scoffs at the idea.

Back to the OP - I fully understand her hopes that her DH would be on board with the move to the new house, having explained all the work that was needed, and having had him agree to it. We BELIEVE our DHs are being honest. It's easy to say a leopard won't change its spots, but we think it just might, and we take that chance. We know we shouldn't, but we do. Hope reigns supreme.

It's certainly not how I expected to end up. And I hope it isn't the end for me - yet!

In my case yes.

I read your posts and, to me, it feels so sad.
I hope you don't have a sudden, unexpected health issue (it can happen as I experienced it with my very fit, healthy mother some years back) and my step-father (who had cognitive issues) was totally unprepared for her to be in a rapid physical decline.

I get why you've stayed loyal as you've explained the finances but I'd be doing just The Essentials for him from now on. You get out and about as much as possible and live your life. Don't be guilt -tripped (mainly by yourself) into more.

I divorced mine after 37years (but due to cheating) and OMG, the time I now have spare is incredible (!). The amount of domestic drudgery reduced by 80% I think. Like, I don't leave shaving stubble in the sink or just slice bread and then tread the crumbs into the floor or chuck something in the oven and not give it a quick wipe over if fat splatters everywhere.

And....,. I spent the other day jet washing my patio. With a toddler grandchild. Such fun! He used to consider it a mega chore deserving extreme gratefulness after.

I'm 62 (59 when I divorced) and I am acquainted with many couples whereby one (usually the wife) just loves to have a jokey grumble about the 'uselessness' of their spouse but now I'm out of the mire, I actually hear it differently. It's a bit like a martyr syndrome. They just love to have a grumble but nothing will ever change. And get lots of Ohs and Ahhs from others. So it's Put up or Shut up really.
@Sam9769 If you're really fed up with it, just stop. End it. Don't put yourself through the misery. I never imagined life could be so simple and I just love not 'nagging' any longer. It's such a freedom.

Sorry to hear your frustrations OP, while you would be happier without him I do understand that sometimes that is just another thankless task and struggle for you to deal with.

I'm sick of lazy/selfish/irresponsible husbands being given health labels, they are just selfish gits. They do it because they can, because they know the wife will do it.

Arguing with the men to do their share of work is exhausting.

Rant away OP, I hope it helps. Leave your husband a list of tasks to do, if he doesn't do them then make sure you clear off out for a meal with a friend so he goes hungry. Engage a handyman to do the little jobs husband fails to do but Husband has to pay up.

My heating engineer fitted a bike hook that husband should have fitted as he saw me trip over husbands bike. He then gave husband a lecture on looking after me better.

I only read the first page of responses and instantly thought ADHD. Your responses throughout the thread correspond perfectly. The idea that he held down a job does not contraindicate that at all. He required the pressure and functioned under it (the university essays are the same. He didn't do them til the last minute... but he did them) Someone else said that getting a diagnosis would change nothing. If he took medication it may well change him... But he'd have to be willing (I think it's a hard choice to make because the medications come with a list of side effects). He's probably a bit depressed too (I'm not sure you can say he doesn't seem depressed if he's spending hours staring at a screen with no real goal). Either way, if its not working for you, you can call it quits. You may well be happier. I feel like you are insinuating this is an active choice he's making though. Like he could just wake up one morning and decide not to be like it. Admittedly I don't know him but from what I've read, I personally feel like that may not be the case.

For what it's worth, I have a house that requires a lot of work. I hate finding trades people (because I find the majority rude and incompetent whilst being completely patronising and I know that they will likely do a bad job but I don't have either the time or the skills to do it myself). At this point, I'm sat surrounded by stuff that needs doing because clearly my brain is telling me that the scenario of being surrounded by jobs is preferable to the guilt of actively making a choice and employing someone to do a crap job. Messed up I know, but here we are. Your DH could be battling with the guilt of not being able to do it himself and being worried about the outcome (and for the jobs he could do himself, it might be a dislike of making the decisions to make sure he does the best job, and the feeling he gets afterwards if he's not satisfied with how he's done it).

Thank you Sunndays60. That does make a lot of sense.

@MaurineWayBack @JHound

It is really easy to see how this happens.

Before children, they are both working, so out of the house all day, and probably out several evenings as well. The housework is minimal, because they aren't making a mess.
They may be 'doing up' a house they have bought, but that is increasingly rare - because even if they are lucky enough to buy and not rent, it is likely a small modern house or flat, not a multi-bedroom period property.

The man will typically do the vacuuming, and some of the cooking, because theses are very visible jobs, he can be seen to be doing them, like a performance. This gives her a misleading impression.
He will rarely clean the bathroom, or dust shelves, or be continually picking up things and tidying as an ongoing habit, or do 'extra' things like sorting out a messy drawer. (Plus they haven't lived together long, so there aren't drawers or cupboards with decades of accumulated junk in them).

Then a baby arrives. She is at home during maternity, so it "makes sense" for her to take on most of the cooking and vacuuming as well as all the things she was doing before.
The workload massively increases - not just with looking after the baby, but also more adult laundry (baby sick on shoulders), five extra lunches at home, far fewer evenings out, so more tidying the kitchen, more cooking as a tighter budget means fewer take-aways, more mess created during the day so more cleaning needed, etc. etc.

Then she goes back to work eventually, and he doesn't pick up his fair share.

I know. I was diagnosed ADHD by age 8 in the 90s. I was just joking. Though it is how I've written every essay in my life.

This is a really patronising attitude. Some pple on Mn don't get the fact that not everyone is the same.
I'm not especially one of the following pple and I'm not saying OP is either:
However, there are people out there who make marriage vows and stick to them 'through thick and thin'. They do sincerely mean the words 'for better or for worse' and cannot imagine walking away from their spouse.
AllIsWellBecause seems to feel contempt for OP but maybe OP is one of those people who believe that when you make a promise you stick to it. I have nothing but respect for such people.I think there's a chance OP's DH has some kind of MH problem, in which case we can give her a clap for saving the state the expense of caring for him.
Good on you whatever the reason is OP that you have stuck with him for so long. 👏
You never know, he might decide to get off his trolley and do something one day.

He doesn't do any diy, or grocery shopping.
What does he do in the house? Any of the cleaning or cooking?
What would he do if you stopped producing meals for him every day?
Would he manage to make food for himself? Would the kitchen be left clean and tidy afterwards?
How often does he show you any affection?
Have you told him how you feel about the current situation? Perhaps telling him that other women in your position have recommended divorce might get him thinking (and acting) differently...
I must admit that I'd be tempted to turn off the internet, as that would get his attention.

I’ve been reading along and wondering whether your husband has ADHD…. THIS is what sealed it for me along with the sandwich bag 😆

OP he isn’t doing the things because he doesn’t have that drive or external push.
Our partner or parent becomes part of us after many years so we don’t get the push from them.

i don’t know what the answer is but generally speaking with adhd he needs to feel the urgency of getting something done and it will be done, a deadline. - hence schoolwork being done but on the deadline.

One thing I would add is that often it’s not intentional and we just sit in a spot being annoyed at ourselves for not doing the thing we have to do.