Totally fed up with my husband!

[Sam9769]

I am totally fed up with my husband!
We have been married for 34 years and in all that time if there is work to be done in the house, he has to be hounded to do anything.
We recently moved house but before we moved, we needed to do work on our old house to get it ready for sale. He would wait to be told what to do by me even though it was patently obvious what had to be done. If materials were required for the work, it would be left up to me to sit him down and ask him what was required and I would order them. When I would ask him why he didn't order them, the response was "I don't know!".

Fast forward, we are now in our new house which is a 1950s house and nothing has been done in it since the 1990's. Husband who is 65 and in good health is retired. I am 61 and partially retired working two days per week.
Lots of work to be done in the house and here we are again in the same situation. We hire tradespeople for the work we can't do and you've guessed it, I have to google them and find them, phone and arrange for them to come to the house. For work that we can do, he will not initiate ANYTHING!. He has to be pushed to get on with jobs in the house.
At the weekend I realised that the downstairs toilet wasn't working. It transpired that he knew about it but hadn't done anything about it.
Today, I was out of the house for 9 hours at work and doing the grocery shopping after work. Before I left I asked him to mind the two dogs and clean and tidy the kitchen.
When I got home, he was sitting on his computer with a half arsed clean of the kitchen done. He hadn't looked at the toilet and when I went out to take one of the dogs for a walk, I noticed that the outside light wasn't working. He knew about it but had done nothing. It transpires that he spent at least 7 hours today sitting on his backside on his laptop on Utube and the like.
I ended up shouting at him and he clears off upstairs, won't accept responsibility. His response today was that he was minding the dogs even though he had told me that one was outside lying in the sunshine and the other was in the hall sunning himself in a shaft of light so no real minding to do there.
I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.
We can't afford to have all the jobs done by the trades and even if we could it would be a free pass for him to do sweet FA.
He knows what to do and is capable of doing it but just doesn't do it!

AIBU to have had it with him?

This is a ridiculous response. So just live in a house that needs work and let him arse around on Utube for the rest of his days doing nothing? What's making your house habitable got to do with keeping up appearances? We've had new radiators, windows and doors and a plastere and electrician will be coming soon. I'm just asking him to do the jobs that he is capable of doing along with me doings the ones I can do. The trades will do the ones we can't.
I take it your house must be a bit of a dump if you think it's fine to live like this!

I absolutely get your frustration. The question is does he have positive qualities that keep you with him, or would you be happier single? As others have said, he is not going to change now, so you can either find a way to live with him as he is, or leave.

Because he's lazy!

YANBU, he won't change by now and will always need chivvying along to do tasks. My DH is a bit like this, there's not much urgency to sort things around the house, so I end up reminding him until jobs get done. I think I'm a more high energy person in general and I care more about having a presentable house and garden than he does.

Every few months, we brain dump everything which needs doing onto a master to do list. I probably end up doing 3/4 of the list myself and delegate calling trades and driving stuff to the tip to him. He does tend to half finish jobs then move onto something else, so I've found just picking one job and then reminding him he's working on that until it's complete is the best approach. I sometimes feel like I'm married to a snail though!

He has different priorities.

It isnt quite the same, but people often want me to mentor pregnant women and new mums in my personal time. They don't see it as mentoring, but it is that. I love my job but I want to pick and choose when I work outside of work and I think that is my right.

I purposely avoid social situations where I suspect it might be overwhelming and those closest to me know never to like add me to a group whatsapp with a friend of theirs who is pregnant and wants advice or information.

Op you’re getting a hard time here. I couldn’t cope with someone sitting on YouTube all day and expect me to do all the life admin.

Have you thought about leaving? Why not sell up, get yourself a little flat with garden and take yourself travelling.

I know a lot of people get depressed in retirement. Also, sitting ay home all day, working in the house, on the house, basjcally never leaving the house can get you into a rut of neverending days blurring into each other.
You at least have a purpose and work and other people you see. He is just seeing you and the house.
It sounds like he should get a hobby that gets him out and socialising.which in turn will help to motivate him in other areas.
Doea he play golf, or there is Men in Sheds groups around tbe country, walking groups etc.
I would be annoyed too, but he seems to be in a different headspace to you. No purpose, never ending days of the same, nothing to look forward to. Perhaps he doesnt even really care abouy the house and this is probably part of the problem.

Do you think he’s happy being retired? I’m just wondering if he’s a bit depressed and missing the structure/routine. Also, you say you cannot afford to get tradesmen in.

Would it be better if he returned to work and you just got all the work professionally done? It doesn’t sound like doing up a fixer-upper is his bag.

I am sympathetic - and agree you cannot do it all

You're missing the point I think.

So how are you going to make him change and do what's needed? Got a magic wand?

^^ 100% this - he sounds quite put upon by your decisions

He is likely struggling with executive functioning.
do you also do all life and house admin? Eg finances, insurance, savings? Did you also do all the comms for the house move (EAs, solicitors).

my husband has severe ADHD and next to no executive functioning. The part of his brain that needed to develop his executive functioning only reached the ability of about an age 11year old.

so your husband can have the ability to do DIY or fix a toilet, or do whatever his career was, that skill doesn’t sit within the executive functioning area.

But people with executive functioning issues don’t have the structure to back up any skills. For example, they can’t plan, think in parallel, focus, break things down into steps to be done in the right order, take the first step, have the patience to do each step properly etc

there are varying levels of executive functioning issues depending on how much that part of the brain has developed.

they may also struggle with putting remedial action in place (the idea of recognising a mistake and putting a plan in place to prevent recurrence, eg I forgot to pay my credit card this month, so next month I will put a reminder in my phone or a note in my paper diary. People with executive functioning issues with have a voice in their brain telling them they’ll remember next month, but that’s not true and they won’t remember when next month comes around ). They also striñuggle with taking responsibility for things, especially errors. They will prefer to blame others or deflect

He doesn’t want to do it !! That’s his right. If he wants to put his feet up he should be allowed. I wouldn’t like being married to you at all.

Lots of people would but I wouldn’t. Sorry to say that.

I have one just like this only we've been together for 15 years.

If anything needs doing, I pretty much do it myself rather than ask for help.

Not sure if I can do it for a further twenty years. Mine is an energy sucker 😩

Don't be afraid of being single at this point in life, do what you have to to be happy xx

Most men need managing. Having a man in the house is, for the most part, like having a(nother) child. It's down to each individual woman to decide if the good parts of having a man around are enough to compensate.

For me, they most definitely are not!

"Even if we were to divorce, I would have to contact the solicitors and fill all the paperwork in for him."

That's good then - you can just make it happen and spend the rest of your life without being angry and frustrated. For heavens sake do something or stop whining about a man you KNOW will not change.

I’m not sure why all these jobs have to be done by him, when he clearly doesn’t want to or like doing jobs like this.

I think you should have either bought a house that didn’t need all this work, or recognised that you’d have to pay tradespeople to do it.

Not clearing up after himself is annoying but honestly if someone doesn’t want DIY in their lives they shouldn’t spend their lives being hounded to do it.

Agree - it's not about him doing DIY, it's about him expecting you to manage the mental load. He is perfectly capable of calling tradespeople, even if he doesn't want to do it himself!

Yanbu to be fed up

Yab a little bit unreasonable to expect it would suddenly change now. Whether he has got adhd or is completely lazy, he won't change without considerable willpower and effort. Does he know how much it upsets you? Do you think you'd ever leave over it? Would counselling help?

I couldn't be with someone who without being nagged watched 7 hours of YouTube on their day off without doing anything healthy or productive but that's just me, I struggle to sit down and relax so the difference between us would be too much.

@Sam9769 for me, this is the bit that stood out, 'I really don't want to spent whatever time I have left, pushing, cajoling and hounding a grown man to get up off his backside and do jobs in the house that need to be done.'

Tell him. Tell him it's make or break. Either he shares the load going forward. Not just one task, in general, or you've had it with him.

Tell him it's relationship ending, that you're losing respect for him. And then leave him to consider it.

But do you really mean it? I would. My useless ex wasn't a life I wanted. But IF you mean it, tell him. Is he really prepared to be divorced, just because he's a lazy arse?

Also don't listen to the people saying it's OK if he doesn't like DIY. It's not OK to live with someone else and refuse to do any DIY, any basic house maintenance, any mental load or organisation, any housework or chores or shopping or bill paying or anything at all.

This sounds very much like me and I often wonder if I have ADHD. I can hold down a job no problem, I can keep the house running and ensure the kids are cared for because its not optional. Anything else its hit and miss. Either hyper focused and will get a 12hr job done in 6 hrs or sit on the sofa and do absolutely nothing because there is too much and i dont know where to start. I have one day off a week and I now ask my husband to assign me one or two very specific tasks on our list to do that day. This seems to work well for me. He is great about it and understands that we both just function in different ways.

I really don’t think it’s ADHD. The fact he did a half job of the car wires with the sandwich bags shows that.

I have the same ‘model’ At home. It’s an avoidant personality. It’s frustrating and impossible to live either because basically you end up either over functioning, aka doing it all, or you end nagging all the time (which fur an avoidant means they’ll retreat even more).
And if you do stuff, they’ll take that as a sign they dint need to do it. Ever.

i dint know what the answer is. It often feels to me that, regardless of what I’m doing, I can’t win.
But I just wanted to say ‘yep. I know. You’re not alone’

This truly is the triumph of hope over experience! As Mumsnetters often say, 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'. You've had 34 years to come to the realisation that your DH is a thoroughly lazy and disrespectful man (or has 'executive functioning disorder'). I echo the advice of so many on this thread and say just stop seething with resentment and ltb.

34 years OP.
What a waste of your life.
Do you cook and shop too?
If so stop.
You have spent 34 years doing the same thing and he is still the same.
I am married 32 years and cannot imagine the stress of such a man.
Stop doing ANYTHING for him.
I mean ANYTHING.

My friends older sister married a lazy selfish man.
She raised their 2 children and worked full-time.
He never lifted a finger, ever.
Loved his golf and rugby.
They both retired at 65 and he quickly had a life changing diagnosis.
She was plunged into a caring role.
House would need to be adapted.

She said No.
She no longer loved him and wanted a divorce.
She put the house up for sale quickly as she was determined not to be bullied by his family.
There was a lot of shock in the family but her two daughters were surprisingly very understanding.
House sold, assets split 50/50, they have their own pensions.
She moved one hour away near her other widowed sister.
It has sparked so much conversation.
My friend, her sister, really applauded her.
She had seen 35 years of his selfis laziness and couldn't stand him.
He is now in an assisted living, residential type place and has felt very sorry for himself apparently.
His children, for whom he did fxxk all for growing up, very very rarely visit.
She regrets not doing it 10 years earlier.

So many women in their 70's are living lives where they are basically looking after men, like they are a child.

But that’s not the OP’s dh that.
If she assigns a task to him, he doesn’t do it.
He doesn’t get those bursts where he does a 12 hours job in 6 hours.
He just doesn’t do things.