Are flowers an “apology”, do I just say thanks and move on

[Calmpalm]

my DP has a habit of SCREAMING and escalating disagreements to the point where he is absolutely enraged. He has thrown things (not at me), broken stuff and slams doors. He shouts to the point where I cry (embarrassingly) because I can’t stand the loudness or the look in his eye.

The issue is never really resolved. The next day I am expected to move on - the issue is never discussed again, and he says “sorry for raising my voice”

Today he has bought me flowers. I said thank you. Then he said some time later “are you okay, you seem quiet”. I said “I’m just still thinking about yesterday”.

he stormed out the bedroom, slammed the door. Came back in five or so times to get something and then slammed again.

Am I just meant to move past it? Get the flowers and move on? Is this how couples argue? I’m admittedly very conflict averse but I find shouting so difficult to take!

Why are you putting up with it?

He’s abusive. Do you know that? And if you do, what is the plan? Because he won’t change and the flowers aren’t anything. They aren’t an apology, because he clearly isn’t sorry.

Throwing or breaking things, shouting and screaming at someone, they are recognised as abuse.

You’re being abused by him.

You say it's not acceptable and you don't want to be with someone with anger issues who can't apologise, and you kick him out.

You could be describing me and my ex (note ex), twenty five years later and I still get anxious when anyone buys me flowers.

He will end up hitting you, get away before that happens.

No, that's not how normal couples carry on and I always thought, when I worked in an office, that the women who received flowers on a regular basis were also the ones who spent a lot of time crying in the toilets.

Absolutely not.

He bought you the flowers to make him feel better for being a twat. They are not an apology.

No you are not expected to just move past it. This is horrific abusive behavior - do not minimize or normalize it. No one should stand being shouted at or having things thrown around them. You deserve to be treated better, but you need to believe that first. Flowers are a red herring.

He’s not like this all the time. It’s very occasionally, 5 or so times a year. The other times he’s gentle and kind

He's totally out of order. So if he has a disagreement with someone at work, does he scream at them? What would happen if you challenged him, told him that this is totally unacceptable, how would he react do you think? Are you scared of him?

So? That makes it alright then? For the love of god wake up.

im not scared of him usually, but I am when he shouts. I’m scared of anyone when they shout at me

The next day you are expected to move on … because you are indicating that you are ok with this.

id really encourage you to not accept this and get him out of your life. You will look back and why why it took you so long.

Flowers shoved up his arse would be telling him you mean business.. As in the Fuck Off You Are Dumped kind of business..
Imo. Get rid..

Sorry you're going through this OP
Screaming at and scareing your partner 5 times a year (once ever 10 weeks) is extremely frequently and unacceptable.

I voted yabu because you're unreasonable to put up with any of that nonsense from an angry, moody, selfish, abusive man.

Get rid.

It doesn’t matter how often he does it. To use a well worn phrase on here, he’s showing you who he is. Believe him

they are never abusive all the time. Or you would leave. It will get more and more frequent. Compare now to five years ago. Then leave him.

If you don't put a stop to it i.e. clearly indicate that this is UNACCEPTABLE behavior it will not just be occasional. In any case, 5 times a year is 5 times too much!

This is classic abuse. Of course, if they were abusive all the time it would be obvious and you wouldn’t be questioning it.

The only acceptable level of abuse is none. Sorry.

that’s quite a lot -
and if he is sorry he needs to say it and do some work so he doesn’t act like this. Is he like this with anyone else?

Five times too often in my book.

They can be amazing, gentle and kind men. Equally they can be vile, abusive and terrifying.

This is abuse. Emotional and physical because throwing things, slamming doors etc is physical abuse. It doesn’t matter if it’s “only” 5 times a year, any abuse is an absolute no. It will escalate if it hasn’t already and I bet you’re walking on eggshells and changing your behaviour to avoid these outbursts (I know I would be so don’t blame you at all). So sorry OP. If you search “why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft. Free pdf” it’s a good book on abusive behaviour that’s free to read online.

Also….
I bet you are on eggshells more than 5 times a year; if he does this when he doesn’t like something you wouldn’t be unusual if you tried not to upset him. so therefore he is really affecting the way you are. Would you ever be like that to him?