Are flowers an “apology”, do I just say thanks and move on

[Calmpalm]

my DP has a habit of SCREAMING and escalating disagreements to the point where he is absolutely enraged. He has thrown things (not at me), broken stuff and slams doors. He shouts to the point where I cry (embarrassingly) because I can’t stand the loudness or the look in his eye.

The issue is never really resolved. The next day I am expected to move on - the issue is never discussed again, and he says “sorry for raising my voice”

Today he has bought me flowers. I said thank you. Then he said some time later “are you okay, you seem quiet”. I said “I’m just still thinking about yesterday”.

he stormed out the bedroom, slammed the door. Came back in five or so times to get something and then slammed again.

Am I just meant to move past it? Get the flowers and move on? Is this how couples argue? I’m admittedly very conflict averse but I find shouting so difficult to take!

The victim blaming on this thread is utterly vile. There is ONE person responsible for this man’s behaviour and it’s him.
And no op, you are definitely not expected to live like this. It’s not ok in any way. Frankly, he can fuck off with the flowers. He either admits he is abusive, accepts he has a massive problem and seeks immediate help or you leave him.

I don't think shouting occasionally in an argument is that bad although I suppose it depends on how aggressive it is. The fact he throws and sometimes breaks things suggests he's out of control though. It's really not good. He might hurt you one day.

My husband & I have been together a long time, through some really genuinely stressful situations in our lives, and not once has he shouted, thrown anything, broken anything, or slammed doors in anger- neither have I. That really shouldn’t be a brag, it’s the bare minimum expected in a healthy relationship.

Time to walk away.

This is what abusive men do to keep you compliant - they blow up and scare you to keep you cowed. Then they say nice things and buy you things to confuse your feelings and make you think that they care. They do not. It’s completely manipulative and self serving.

The Rochdale abusers modelled this very behaviour to keep raping and abusing young vulnerable girls. It’s weird how dumb evil fucks have almost shark like psychological insight when it comes to reeling in girls and women who are vulnerable and don’t see or act on the red flags.

Op - this will never be a healthy happy relationship. You are concentrating on the ‘nice’ bits but his behaviour is text book abuse. Get out while you can.

Does he do this to anyone else?

I’m so sorry that this feels normal to you. Experiencing this every other month is truly horrible and I’m sure you do a lot of placating again. He chooses to do this.

This is still classic domestic abuse. Screaming like you in that way is verbal abuse. Breaking and smashing things in your vicinity is physical abuse and police class that as assault. Even if he never touches you.

Few perpetrators of domestic abuse are horrible to their spouse 100% of the time, that's what makes it hard to leave - because there are parts of that person you love and times when they show you care and affection which is what you end up using to gaslight yourself with when it's bad because you want to believe in the good in the person.

But he is straight up an abuser. 5 times is 5 times too many. You meet the criteria for support from womens aid and I would strongly recommend you make contact with them and start making plans to leave. This is not normal, it is not acceptable and you do not have to tolerate it. You deserve a man who would never, ever dream of treating you this way.

Also you need to stop listening to words and start looking at actions. If he's told you he's sorry then it wouldn't have happened a second time if he had actually meant it. 5 times a year ... he's not sorry he feels entitled to do this to you because he wants to. This is a conscious choice he is making. It's not lost temper or getting overwhelmed, it's strategic bullying to keep you working harder than he has to in the relationship.

No, definitely not.
There is no excuse for acting up as a destructive, aggressive, maniac.

Do you have children?

If not, it’s LTB. He’s grim and you don’t need such a soul sucker in your life xx

(not that you should stay if you have children obviously, it’s just an easier LTB, if you don’t)

💯

Do you have children with this piece of shit?

Please get some real life support and separate from him. You don’t deserve this abuse.

Also op it might be worth looking at the cycle of violence diagram to see if it helps you understand the pattern you've been living in. It's worth mentioning that a cycle can take any length of time to complete from years to within a day but usually it escalates over time and especially when they see you as vulnerable such as pregnant, ill or getting older. The more you tolerate it the more they'll push it.

https://share.google/images/ujtsdKVFZPRq7pe8E

‘Only about 5 times per year’ is basically every other month.

Its abuse OP, you really do need to try to leave the relationship if you can, it won’t get better.

What do you think domestic abuse looks like?

If it wasn't nice some of the time it would be a lot harder for them to keep control and have you always trying to be better to keep trying to make things how they used to be in the early days.

So every other month? You are right to be scared. He's horribly abusive.

What is your financial situation? Do you have any children?

So if he hit you “occasionally”, say 5 times or so a year, would that not be physical abuse?

Abusing you once is too many times; five times a year is a consistent pattern.

Bet he doesn’t speak (shout) to his mum like that. Or his manager. But he does to you. So why do you deserve so little respect?

He needs to address his inability to control his temper. He needs classes. I doubt hed go as he will minimise the whole thing as just being occasional and not a big deal as it’s not a daily thing. As though that makes it ok. It’s not ok.

Up to you if you want to stay with someone who treats you like that. I would leave tbh. They say it’ll never happen again. And promise the earth. But nothing ever changes. Or if it does, it changes in the wrong direction as they get worse.

He is abusive. The flowers don’t mean he’s sorry; they are to shut you up.

Can you leave?

btw, 5-6 times per year is not occasional. It’s regular. And it will be having an effect on you all the time.

Pls say you don't have children with this loon
This is abuse you are describing
How are you going to leave

He's not a nice person, nice people don't scare the people who love them and they love.

He's a bully - he'd probably shout more if you started to do things he didn't like more. But you don't .... because you are scared he's going to shout. Walking on eggshells.

Show him this and then see if he understands (probably won't, as he sounds abusive).

It's disturbing that you're minimising this, OP. As others have said, it's a regular pattern of abuse.

I've been with DH since the mid-1990s, and while we have our fair share of arguments, he has never shouted at me, far less thrown anything, broken things or slammed doors. None of that is normal. None of that is something you should think you have to endure.

Not normal. In 25 years neither me nor my husband have ever behaved to each other like this. Leave.

How do you feel when you look at the flowers?