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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are flowers an “apology”, do I just say thanks and move on

101 replies

Calmpalm · 22/09/2025 19:10

my DP has a habit of SCREAMING and escalating disagreements to the point where he is absolutely enraged. He has thrown things (not at me), broken stuff and slams doors. He shouts to the point where I cry (embarrassingly) because I can’t stand the loudness or the look in his eye.

The issue is never really resolved. The next day I am expected to move on - the issue is never discussed again, and he says “sorry for raising my voice”

Today he has bought me flowers. I said thank you. Then he said some time later “are you okay, you seem quiet”. I said “I’m just still thinking about yesterday”.

he stormed out the bedroom, slammed the door. Came back in five or so times to get something and then slammed again.

Am I just meant to move past it? Get the flowers and move on? Is this how couples argue? I’m admittedly very conflict averse but I find shouting so difficult to take!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2025 19:20

You’re conflict averse. So he probably only has to do it 5-6 times a year to keep you good and compliant. Because you might not overtly fear him the rest of the time, but I bet it’s in your head the whole time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2025 19:21

OP can you say it, if only to yourself, “this is abusive”.

Mauvehoodie · 22/09/2025 19:22

also if someone said “I’ll make you a delicious cocktail every single day. It will have a little bit of dog shit in it 5 times a year but that’s only rarely and the other times you’ll really enjoy it!” Would you drink it? Would you ever enjoy the cocktail or would you be worrying every time that today is the day it has dog shit in it?

TheSlantedOwl · 22/09/2025 19:23

Leave this abusive, aggressive man.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/09/2025 19:23

He's a nutter

5foot5 · 22/09/2025 19:23

Am I just meant to move past it? Get the flowers and move on? Is this how couples argue? I’m admittedly very conflict averse but I find shouting so difficult to take!

No this is NOT how normal couples argue. Screaming, breaking and hitting things, becoming enraged are all very, very worrying and you should not have to live with this. Not once, let alone as often as 5 times a year.

Please, please get out of this awful relationship before it gets any worse.

Arlanymor · 22/09/2025 19:24

He's got an explosive rage problem and every other month the pot boils over and he starts shouting and throwing stuff. It's abusive and unacceptable. Plus he isn't remotely sorry, people who are genuinely apologetic don't just buy gifts and expect everything to magically be ok, they address their behaviour, they take action to improve, they certainly don't get angry AGAIN when you don't instantly forgive them. He has a massive problem, which means you do too if you put up with this. It's a horrible situation and either you have a serious conversation with him or... well... the alternative is obvious isn't it?

Sugargliderwombat · 22/09/2025 19:24

Calmpalm · 22/09/2025 19:13

He’s not like this all the time. It’s very occasionally, 5 or so times a year. The other times he’s gentle and kind

So every 9 weeks ish or so? My partner is like this, OP. I told him I didn't want flowers anymore, he did it one more time and I put them in the bin.

Blue444 · 22/09/2025 19:27

Calmpalm · 22/09/2025 19:13

He’s not like this all the time. It’s very occasionally, 5 or so times a year. The other times he’s gentle and kind

That doesnt mean its not abuse, if he was gentle and kind he wouldn't do it at all.
Do you want to live all the time walking on eggshells? Your choice

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 22/09/2025 19:27

The problem is, he will get worse and it will happen more often. And when it isn’t happening, you’ll be on edge waiting for it to happen.

get out before you lose yourself. All the best.

Orangepate · 22/09/2025 19:27

I’ve been married 25 years, my DH has never screamed at me or thrown things. If he did it would be over.
This is not how normal people behave in a healthy relationship.. ever!

LadydeBathe · 22/09/2025 19:29

I feel very sorry for you OP, that you’re even questioning if this is OK.

A decent man would not behave this way. A good relationship does not involve behaviour like this. My husband has never raised his voice at me, slammed a door in anger or thrown anything in anger. Nor have I. This is scarily aggressive and out of control and it’s not how a normal person behaves.

There is no way I would put up with this. Not for a minute. I hope you don’t have children.

anytipswelcome · 22/09/2025 19:29

You’re in an abusive relationship. Five times a year is regular, it’s loads of times not rare!

Do you have children?

Eviebeans · 22/09/2025 19:36

Calmpalm · 22/09/2025 19:13

He’s not like this all the time. It’s very occasionally, 5 or so times a year. The other times he’s gentle and kind

That’s five times a year too many

Eviebeans · 22/09/2025 19:36

Imagine that with a child in the mix

Hotflushesandchilblains · 22/09/2025 19:49

There are two possible reasons for this - either your perception of shouting and slamming are way over sensitized (unlikely with the evidence you have given, but some people who have former trauma or ND will perceive someone as shouting when they are just talking with more force than usual).

Or (and more likely) he does not know how bad it is (but then why would he refuse to discuss it) or he knows what he is doing is not ok, but does not want to take responsibility for it. He needs therapy for anger management. I would tell him to stop buying flowers - the only way he can apologize is to change his behaviour.

OP, it also sounds like you may benefit from some therapy about your fear of conflict. Most sane people are conflict averse, but it sounds extreme for you - former trauma can do this. Or generally high anxiety. Or ND. But whatever it is, getting some support for yourself would be helpful I think.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 22/09/2025 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yeah, it’s not always quite that simple. See the number of domestic homicides. Did they just “allow” themselves to be murdered?

sciaticafanatica · 22/09/2025 20:00

@Bananaandmangosmoothieshe says it 5 times a year.
why allow that?
why not leave?
it’s that simple!

dollyblue01 · 22/09/2025 20:02

I’d be telling him the next time he does that it’s over and that you’re not putting up with that anymore, he either talks like an adult or it’s done. It’s not acceptable even once a year, never mind five it’s never ok

ifIwerenotanandroid · 22/09/2025 20:04

There are better men out there. Stay safe.

ThePoliteLion · 22/09/2025 20:05

This is domestic abuse and I think you should separate. I'm sorry you are in this situation and being treated like dirt. X

FairyBatman · 22/09/2025 20:09

Calmpalm · 22/09/2025 19:10

my DP has a habit of SCREAMING and escalating disagreements to the point where he is absolutely enraged. He has thrown things (not at me), broken stuff and slams doors. He shouts to the point where I cry (embarrassingly) because I can’t stand the loudness or the look in his eye.

The issue is never really resolved. The next day I am expected to move on - the issue is never discussed again, and he says “sorry for raising my voice”

Today he has bought me flowers. I said thank you. Then he said some time later “are you okay, you seem quiet”. I said “I’m just still thinking about yesterday”.

he stormed out the bedroom, slammed the door. Came back in five or so times to get something and then slammed again.

Am I just meant to move past it? Get the flowers and move on? Is this how couples argue? I’m admittedly very conflict averse but I find shouting so difficult to take!

No you aren’t meant to get past it. He is abusive and you need to leave safely. If he is losing his cool to the point of throwing stuff, how long will it be before something hits you, or he throws a punch?

TheHillIsMine · 22/09/2025 20:10

Calmpalm · 22/09/2025 19:13

He’s not like this all the time. It’s very occasionally, 5 or so times a year. The other times he’s gentle and kind

Of course he's not. If he was like it all the time you'd leave. Wouldn't you? Shame you're happy to give him so much of your precious life.

moderate · 22/09/2025 20:15

Is it difficult to leave him? (children, joint assets, etc.)
If so, tell him he needs to come to couples counselling.
If not, why not just leave him?

Tillow4ever · 22/09/2025 20:16

sciaticafanatica · 22/09/2025 20:00

@Bananaandmangosmoothieshe says it 5 times a year.
why allow that?
why not leave?
it’s that simple!

Do you have any idea how hard it is to leave an abusive man? How dangerous it is? How it’s often such a slow boil you don’t even recognise it’s abusive until they have destroyed your self confidence and you have no support network left?

stop victim blaming and try instead to offer advice on HOW to SAFELY leave an abusive relationship.