Are flowers an “apology”, do I just say thanks and move on

[Calmpalm]

my DP has a habit of SCREAMING and escalating disagreements to the point where he is absolutely enraged. He has thrown things (not at me), broken stuff and slams doors. He shouts to the point where I cry (embarrassingly) because I can’t stand the loudness or the look in his eye.

The issue is never really resolved. The next day I am expected to move on - the issue is never discussed again, and he says “sorry for raising my voice”

Today he has bought me flowers. I said thank you. Then he said some time later “are you okay, you seem quiet”. I said “I’m just still thinking about yesterday”.

he stormed out the bedroom, slammed the door. Came back in five or so times to get something and then slammed again.

Am I just meant to move past it? Get the flowers and move on? Is this how couples argue? I’m admittedly very conflict averse but I find shouting so difficult to take!

My ex was like this. And if I ‘dared’ to bring up that I wasn’t happy about something he’d said or done earlier that day or the day before, I’d be told I was being argumentative.
I’m so much more relaxed now he’s my ex.

Abusers don't necessarily abuse all the time. ExDP was an abuser, but he could also be very kind. He shouted at me a lot and I also found it frightening. He got worse over the years.

The minimizing is normal with victims of abuse.

I came here to say I think flowers are a really touching apologetic gesture, because I thought someone had accidentally stood you up for a coffee or something - but then found this thread is something else.

No, op, no it isn't ok for him to "buy" a human emotional punching bag for the grand outlay of five bunches of flowers a year.

Having been the victim of abuse, I agree, however we do it because it helps us feel better. Because otherwise, the truth is too difficult and painful to handle.

In 10 years DH has never shouted at me... this isn't normal. Don't settle or accept it being normal.

Yes, we've had our disagreements etc. But I would never tolerate a boss / friend / colleague / relative screaming at me, and so I wouldn't tolerate my husband do the same.

No, it's absolutely not how couples argue.

We say to our children - have done for years - saying sorry is fine what really matters is doing it differently next time. How many times over has he failed to do that over the years?

One of these days he'll be getting you flowers because he hit you. Run before that happens.

It never gets better OP. He will continue to do it, and probably with increasing frequency and violence, even if he never actually hits you with his hands. I agree with others in that I've been with my husband for 28 years and we've never behaved this way. It's not normal and it's not acceptable. He's a bully who knows all he has to do is buy you a cheap sweetener after his outbursts and you'll be ok again. If you're not, like today, he will bully you again until you give in. I'm really sorry OP, you deserve better. I hope you can see that.

All you did wrong today was to admit you were thinking about his behaviour yesterday... in response

"he stormed out the bedroom, slammed the door. Came back in five or so times to get something and then slammed again."

And it sounds like you were hiding in the bedroom. Coming back in five times just so that he could slam the doors five times and frighten you all over again.... is continuing the abuse of the day before..

But his reasoning is he bought you flowers - so why didn't that stop you thinking about it? And he's angry again.

There is no way you can describe this man as gentle and kind. He isn't .
Because gentle and kind people are consistently gentle and kind, not routinely violent shouting and throwing objects and slamming doors and frightening you.

Seriously OP.. ring womens aid or similar. He is abusive. Get help.

And that is how he keeps hold of you. So lovely most of the time and you’re meant to move past his abuse “because it’s only 5 or 6 times a year…” I bet all your friends and family think he’s lovely too. Abusive men so often are. If they were foul all of the time no one would enter a relationship with them. They reel us in with their loveliness.

He’s not sorry - if he was, he wouldn’t have slammed back out when you said you were still thinking it over.

He’s training you, slowly but surely, to react in the way he wants. He’s modifying your behaviour to suit him. Next time you’re more likely to not say you’re still thinking it over because of the way he responded just now. The time after that, you might not react at all because he’s less argumentative when you say nothing. Then he’ll be awful more often than 5 or 6 times a year, because he can be, and you’ll put up and shut up. Please don’t let this be your future - LTB. Please LTB.

Read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s a revelation and a life saver.

Just say you had an amazing meal at a Michelin star restaurant then they brought your pudding and it had a teaspoon of dog poo on the side of the plate.
Would you eat the food on that plate? Why not, it's only a teaspoon of dog poo and it's not even touching the food, and the rest of the food had been amazing??

But dog poo is dog poo, no matter how much it is, how good the rest of the food was, it taints the whole meal.

Abuse is abuse and it doesn't matter how many times a year, you wouldn't eat a teaspoon of dog poo so don't our up with even one day of abuse.

He’s a manipulative abusive cunt - 5 times a year is 5 times too many.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero

Someone posted a great analogy on here recently.

If someone gave you a sandwich that was 95% sandwich and 5% dogshit, would you eat it?

Right now, you are eating the sandwich, dogshit and all.

So what?

He's an abusive twat. It doesn't matter if it's occasional.

throwing an object near someone can be an assault if it causes them to fear immediate unlawful personal injury, even if no contact is made. This is known as common assault. An assault involves either intentionally or recklessly causing a person to apprehend immediate unlawful violence, which includes both physical acts and the creation of fear of physical harm.

You are being assaulted, he is out of control around you and there is NO excuse for this.

I'm sorry OP...start planning an escape

Your partner is abusive and expects you to get over his abuse because flowers.

Of course he's not abusive all the time. He couldn't have roped you in and kept you around because you're not leaving when your relationship is 90% shit.

Does he scream and throw things and break stuff at work? Of course not. He wouldn't have a job, he would be fired and possibly be reported to the police.

He can control this behaviour but he's doing it to scare you because he knows you won't fire him.

No flowers aren't an apology. An apology is saying sorry and meaning it, taking accountability, making it right where you can and committing to long term change. I've always found flowers insulting as an apology attempt as if they think I'd be stupid enough to be like "oooh flowers, I forgive you then"

This is an abusive relationship.
Have you had children with him?
I hope not.
I would not accept flowers. I would be packing.

Talk to Women's aid.
This is abuse.

This isn’t acceptable AT ALL. There is no excuse for a grown adult losing their temper in this way. LTB.

OP, I hope you are OK
X

My DH has never argued like that - never shouted that much , never broken things , never slammed doors

we have argued , we have raised voices , left a room to breath, spent a few days not really talking

your DH is stopping the argument resolving by his behaviour- you never get to a successful resolution that you are both ok with and that’s not good or healthy

5 times a year? In the 5 years we’ve been together DH has NEVER raised his voice to me, although we’ve had the odd disagreement. Much less slamming doors and throwing things. This is not how healthy relationships work OP.

So every couple of months really? Just when things have calmed down or recovered from the last blow up the next one is imminent?

That’s a pattern OP. And it is abuse. At the very best it is a sign you’re not compatible and there is someone out there who doesn’t choose to behave like this.

That’s 5 times too many