Bad sex in an otherwise good marriage

[Philipthecat]

DH and I have been together 20years, married 12. 2 kids. He's a wonderful husband and father. Very much my partner. I love him and our life very much.

But the sex is bad.

Prior to meeting DH I had a lot of sexual partners and I know I enjoy sex, and I orgasm easily. Orgasm isn't the issue. DH is giving and considerate of my needs but I just think we're incompatible in the bedroom. What we enjoy just doesn't match up. He isn't bad at it, I just think together we don't work.

I've recently had a bit of a wake up as to just how much I don't enjoy the sex.

Can a marriage survive? Can my marriage survive? I just feel really sad.

20 years of bad sex?

But what makes it bad sex though? DH is giving and considerate of your needs, and he’s not bad at it so is this not something that you can talk about, try new things together and improve it somehow?

Apparently it can, and you are a disgusting animal for thinking otherwise, and god forbid you have a sly wank over some dirty pictures! Mildred, where are your pears, I need a clutch!!!

That said, probably try teaching him a wee bit....?

Really confused. You enjoy sex, orgasm easily, DH is giving and considerate of your needs so whats the problem?

What or who caused the sudden wake up that it’s been bad sex for the last 20 years?

If you have been together 20 years are you sure you’re not comparing current sex (which is slotted in with kids, work, tiredness, housework etc). To free and easy slobbing around all day super fun sex which is possible in your early 20s? I mean it can’t have always been that bad if you married?

Can you be more specific? It’s difficult to really know what you mean.

Damn

Train? Do you keep little treats in the bedroom for positive reinforcement?

OP - what happened 20 years ago when you met him and had a perfect understanding of what good sex was? Or were you possibly in the "nesting" phase and looking for a good partner (provider) to have children with?
Then came the marriage, house, children....
It's a typical story.

I am also guessing you are in your 40s and experiencing the resurgence of libido that often comes with menopause. And you are thinking - will I ever have good sex again...

Given your description - you orgasm easily, he is attentive to your needs - is he particularly small, while you like PIV? Or he doesn't last long enough? Or do you have some sort of kink he is unlikely to be into?

Do marriages survive in your situation - well, depends really on your priorities and choices. The rush of hormones you are probably feeling will subside in a few years. How strongly you are pulled into seeking/needing different sort of sex - is something only you know.
Some women will put it aside - if there is really nothing you can do to improve your sex with H.
Some would be honest with their partners and ask to open up a relationship to get some experiences outside of marriage - but this is not an easy thing to do.
Some others have discreet affairs to get through this period.

Personally - based on your description of your life - exploding your family unit, and giving up a good partner you still love after 20 years would be the silliest thing one can do. There are possibly men out there that you can have better sex with - but it's unlikely you'll find another good and devoted partner.

Its very disingenuous to say its bad sex when its in fact incompatible sex.
He is a allowed not to like the things you like. Imagine if he told his mates you were crap in bed because you didnt tickle his bum with a lump of celery whilst singing the national anthem.

There is nothing to change so its on you for marrying him.

😭😭 op's husband??

We have talked about it. A lot. It's the thing we argue about the most, more than anything else. And we don't argue about it very often. But it hasn't helped. It's not about training I don't think, it's like if you both like tea, but one likes it black with sugar and lemon and ones likes a builders brew. You can drink the others tea, but it isn't quite the same.

Yeah op, whats not clicking for the two of you?

I think that life is too short for bad sex honestly, but good men are also hard to come by x

Do you mean anal sex?

And if you do which tea refers to it?

And this is where I'm at!

He's wonderful. But life is short.

No.

I literally mean just the way we move together, the chemistry I guess. It's almost intangible.

What a massively unhelpful and judgemental response.

I think it comes down to how important sex is to you & him, individually and as a couple, whether your marriage can survive.

If the sex isn’t great but neither of you are particularly bothered about sex anyway then it’s not marriage ending. If great sex is very important and you truly don’t think it’s something that communication can solve then it really should be marriage ending.

Would dance lessons help?

Are you attracted to him?

I would say that builders would be lights off, missionary. Black with sugar and lemon is much more fruity.

I actually think builders tea would be something dirty and tea with lemon would be something very classy.