Bad sex in an otherwise good marriage

[Philipthecat]

DH and I have been together 20years, married 12. 2 kids. He's a wonderful husband and father. Very much my partner. I love him and our life very much.

But the sex is bad.

Prior to meeting DH I had a lot of sexual partners and I know I enjoy sex, and I orgasm easily. Orgasm isn't the issue. DH is giving and considerate of my needs but I just think we're incompatible in the bedroom. What we enjoy just doesn't match up. He isn't bad at it, I just think together we don't work.

I've recently had a bit of a wake up as to just how much I don't enjoy the sex.

Can a marriage survive? Can my marriage survive? I just feel really sad.

My exH was my best friend for many years of our marriage in so many ways. He was a great dad to our 3 kids, we shared all chores equally, financially we split everything 50/50, we had similar interests and loved being with each other. He was really good in bed too. So, the perfect guy, exactly what you're looking for, right, OP? Only he wasn't perfect - like a PP said, being good in bed meant he was good in bed with lots of women (at least 3 affairs in our 20 year marriage, and I suspect more). I'd only had 2 sexual partners before him, and they were awful. I didn't realise however, that he was so good until we divorced (purely because of the affairs, which he just wouldn't stop) and I then had a few more sexual partners. Honestly, none of them matched him. So, what I'm saying in a long winded way, that you might well find mind blowing sex with someone else, but he is likely to not be faithful to you - or much more likely, you'll only find men who are worse than your DH in bed, and haven't got any of his other attractive qualities. Might be best to hang on to what you've got, stop being nostalgic for your past sex life, and find out what you can do to make things better. I wish you all the best, it sounds to me like you've got a great marriage and you don't really want to give it up.

Hmm being good in bed does not automatically mean he will be unfaithful!

I'm finding it difficult to understand. He takes care of your needs, you orgasm easily, you're both vanilla so no big difference in overall taste, yet the sex is bad. I can't be the only one scratching my head here.

that was my first thought when I read your post. You are lusting after another man. I think until that’s resolved your Dh doesn’t stand a chance sexually

Well I'm certainly scratching my head anyway at the amount of people here who seem to have never heard of passion or chemistry.

She says she fancies him. In addition to him being a good size and giving her orgasms and being attentive to her needs, she fancies him! Am still confused.

She’s got a crush on someone else…

Sometimes I think the proverbial French people with their discreet bits on the side might have the right idea...
A friend has started sleeping with no strings colleagues while away with work. Maybe two or three times a year. She's got her spark back and she's getting on better than ever with her husband and in general at home. I thought she was mad but..

I'm surprised so many don't get the OP. It's not about doing what she wants or shoeing him. It just sounds like they're out of sync and maybe even awkward and no doubt both aware.
To the pp with the coy husband, it is sad but v sad for him too, to have been settled for unknowingly. No winners there.
I've been in a sexless marriage for years, my choice but husband vehement he doesn't want to split and now what arrives years later only my libido. Too late for us tho as there is no spark between us now. However I have lots of good things and my life is charmed compared to many (I don't mean just financially but in terms of the whole balanced package of my life) so we make our choices. Only you can make yours OP.

Yeah I'm pretty baffled too.

Have a discussion about opening up the marriage for sexual partners.

I’ve never had good sex. I’m 44. I can count the number of orgasms I’ve had during sex on one hand and all of them have felt like more effort than it was worth.

I wouldn’t give up a good relationship over sex.

He knows I don’t enjoy our sex life but is too shy about sex to ever address it properly.

But not too shy to initiate and put you through sex that he knows you don’t enjoy? Urgh. I would find it extremely hard to respect him.

You don’t have to have sex that you don’t want. Keep the rest of the relationship if that’s what you want, but call time on unenjoyable sex. He’s not going out of his comfort zone to change things; you absolutely don’t need to carry on as usual with unpleasant sex.

I relate to this. I am now separated from my exDH - we separated after 20 years for a few reasons, but the first half of our marriage he was a lovely guy - kind, caring, good with the dc. I found him physically attractive. But the sex was not good. There's something indefinable about it, but the chemistry just wasn't there. I think it was partly due to the fact that he was very passive during sex, which was a turn off for me.

Since I've been single I haven't slept with anyone but have dated a few guys. The ones I have had chemistry with (and I'm pretty sure would be great in bed) are usually the ones who've never settled down and jump from woman to woman. That may be a generalisation, but it's just what I've noticed so far!

I’m not criticising anyone here, as everyone will have their own reasons for getting married - but surely everyone in a “no chemistry” situation must have discovered this quite early on in the relationship? I completely understand that some people “settle” to have children though

Chemistry often fades, particularly when you’re in the trenches with young children.

Does her husband know @mikado1?

Why would he need to know? I am sure he is happy to have a happier wife at home who has her spark and interest in sex with him.
In the end of the day - relationships work best when people are generally happy and pay attention to each other. And if this is what helps that particular woman be that in her marriage - no one gets to judge her.

You don't have to be monogamous. You can be a couple but have one time flings with people you have no emotional connection with and will never see again. He might even be okay with that or want to do it himself then you can go back to being a couple again.

No he doesn't know unless there's an unspoken understanding.